So frustrated with my dad re moving nearer mum

[imaginationhasfailedme]

I don't know what I want from this really, just maybe to see if anyone has any other suggestions!
My dad (79) lives in London, I'm Suffolk and have been for 15 years. My mum (79) has alzheimer's plus a slew of other conditions. She was in a care home near my dad but their plan was always to move nearer me. 2.5 years ago my dad and I made the decision to move mum near me and I'd hold the fort while he sorted his end out and moved. He hasn't.

In the meantime, he's had treatment (radio) for prostate cancer and has had complications since then. But it's driving me bonkers that he still hasn't made any plans to move. I honestly think it's going to be too late (if it's not already) for him to bother moving.

Her sisters come and visit weekly, leapfrog each other, I go and see her frequently so she doesn't go more than a day without a visitor. Dad comes up once (sometimes twice) a week. My brother saw her once, December 2021. No effort since then. It's 'harder for boys' apparently.

I've tried so many different ways to encourage him to move, there's literally nothing standing in his way apart from the fact it's a massive move. And I get it. It's his home he shared with mum and the house my brother and I grew up in. But I'm still 'holding the fort' here with mum. The only upside to this is how much I've been able to spend time with her but she doesn't have much time left.

Currently sitting with Covid so can't visit her. Dad's planning on coming up later next week rather than this weekend or Monday. Which means she'll have gone days without a visitor.

If you've read this far, thank you. If you've ever successfully wrangled an elderly parent into moving, please share how! I'm cross at him, at my brother and at myself for not having persuaded him so far. I know I'll get a call from the care home one day and I'll be there in ten minutes, worrying about my dad making the long drive and being too late.

Do you have a partner? Children?

YABU - since planning to move your Dad has had cancer and treatment - maybe it's all too much for him

You can't do anything about your brother, just because you are willing to do more for your parents, doesn't mean he has to

It's not all about you

I know it's not all about me but I can be pissed off with feeling like the responsibility to visit my mum is all on me when that wasn't the original idea.

My brother has told me what he wants from my parents house when they're both dead and that's been his contribution to me asking for some consideration to helping out with both of them. So, yeah, I know I can't change him and he doesn't have to help but cmon.

I have realised that dad needs to stay where he is as things have changed in his health.

Husband and a 13 year old. Both supportive, dh has gone to events at the care home so mum has someone there to 'join in' the festivities

how much does your mom recognise her family now? i don't think you should be making any demands on your poor dad to visit and don't think you should feel guilty if you miss a few days. How often did you visit her before the illness?

As your dad gets older and maybe needs more help, you can maybe revisit him being nearer to you.

FWIW, I think you have done a great job of looking after your mum and it is OK to be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack if it feels too much sometimes. Visiting every day is kind and lovely but perhaps not necessary as time goes on. Especially if it is becoming a strain for you. Your husband and child sound lovely. Focus on your own family and your parents and try not to give dickhead brother too much headspace.

You sounds like a lovely daughter, especially to your mum, but dads suffering too, scary realisation when you see your time here is nearly over.
I'm sure you do but tell him you care,
Men sometimes get forgotten, in this dynamic with mothers and daughters and I can see you and you're mum are close.

I do think it very much depends on how advanced your mother’s Alzheimer’s is. If she is already in the happy oblivious state then you really don’t need someone visiting her every day. It’s very easy to get caught into a routine of doing that, because you feel you should as she won’t be around forever or maybe worry what people will think if you don’t.

If she is not getting anything from the visits then scale them back if that will make your life easier.

I’m impressed that your father is managing to visit weekly still, it’s quite a journey for an elderly person in poor health.

It may be that your father found looking after your mother at home (and then visiting her first care home daily) very onerous & restrictive, no matter how loving their relationship. The illness means their relationship has changed & perhaps he feels he has already lost the person he married.

I agree that he should stay where he has familiar surroundings & friends if that’s what he wants to do. He may be enjoying having a new-found freedom at last.

I sympathise about your useless brother. I ended up being the main person involved in helping my aunt (single and childless). I’d only seen her maybe once a year as a child (lived in a different country) My male cousins who saw her all the time (she babysat frequently & was involved in all their family celebrations) made all sorts of excuses why they could not visit more. I had three small children (theirs were grown up by then) & lived no closer to her than they did. When she went into a home I got her into one near me as it made my life so much easier.

I'm so sorry OP. I have elderly parents too far away, and it's a continual low-level worry. My only sibling lives abroad, and can only visit annually really. That's just how it is.

I'd do anything to have my parents closer, especially in the (probably) near future when there's only one of them left. But it's too late now and they wouldn't be able to do this, either mentally or physically.

I think, probably, that in the event it is just too much for your father to face moving. It will be his illness, and just the fact of being a couple of years older, more tired and unable to contemplate the upheaval.

If this is the case, look after yourself. You are doing your best and you love your parents like I love mine. In the end, that's the most important thing we have.

You haven't said how much your mum does/doesn't know - if it is that her cognition of people and time etc is very poor- it may be that your dad doesn't actually want to be going all the time- he may find it very hard to handle mentally if he went all the time. Given his own age and health issues. It really doesn't mean he doesn't care, he may in fact care too much and it upsets him hugely . Your brother however is an absolute arse.

If you and your Dad both still want him to move, then find a little rental down near you and your Mum, pack up the basics for him (dont expect him to do it) and move him down. Then rent a storage unit near the rental and empty the rest of the house into it (you, not your Dad) trying to sort and cull as you go but dont hold up forward momentum by trying to sort and cull too much. Then sell the house (you, not your Dad) then spend the next year taking boxes over to your Dad bit by bit for him to sort and house hunting..or just let him stay in the rental as then he doesnt have maintenance.

We moved my in laws this spring and they were just stuck and couldnt move forward with any part of it because the whole thing was so overwhelming. If you dont want to have 50 billion conversations that never lead to any action, you just have to do it all yourself. If you can get POA for health and finance I would also do that too as it makes the legal stuff much easie

I really feel for you. But you can't go on like this.

Your dad is a frail man who has essentially lost his wife while enduring cancer treatment. He probably found it incredibly depressing to see her every day like that, as you probably do too. He has handed that burden to you. That doesn't mean you have to be everything and do everything.

I think you need to think very carefully about what you can sustain in the way of visits. I go weekly to see my mum and that's quite tiring enough. Talk to your dad about that. It sounds like he burned out seeing her every day, he might be more sympathetic than you think. But even if he isn't- she is safe, looked after. That's the point of a home.

Your brother is a dick.

Not the point of the OP, but your brother should be utterly, utterly ashamed.

In my opinion YANBU.

It's easy for people to say you are being selfish if they haven't walked in your shoes.

If your father has any expectation of help from you when he declines then he needs to get himself nearer to you sharpish. Declines can happen very quickly. Just because he can cope alone for now doesn't mean he will be able to in 6 months. Then you'll be on weekend round trips and no time for your own family.

We had this with PIL. They were going to move near to us. We found a house etc but MIL suddenly couldn't bear to leave her 'sewing nook' at her house. She hadn't sewn for years due to arthritis.

Cue FIL falling when cutting a hedge (when told not to) breaking a hip and DH bringing MIL to us (he was effectively her carer as she was unsteady.

We had months of trying to care for MIL while DH was up and down the motorway every weekend on a 3 hour round trip to see his DF. It was a nightmare and nearly broke us.

Believe me it is bloody difficult sorting out NHS and social care from a distance. You need to be on site to be able to keep top of things.

At this stage you will need to be the driver. Find suitable housing, show him, bring him to look around and force the issue.

Your mother is safe, warm, fed, stimulated and surrounded by medical expertise

Your father is very aged but still able to live independently. Let him live where he bloody wells WANTS to live for the last years where he is mobile and not, god forbid, dementia stricken.

As for your brother - I can’t comment because scant detail regarding his circumstances and his relationship with his parents - both of which are highly pertinent

For people who keep saying the OP wants her DF to move but should leave him alone, I think the real issue is now that DF is nearly 80 and has some health problems, how suitable is his home and location when he gets older and more frail?
If his home is well set up, he loves it there, he has friends and neighbours and family to help and hobbies to keep himself happy then fine.
If he might find himself lonely and isolated if he gets more frail over next few years, snd perhaps would have nobody much nearby to lend him a helping hand - except for the OP who then would need to drive long distances to offer support and organise medical or social care from a distance which is a nightmare if you also have a job and a child and your own life/ then he really should move and the sooner the better.

Thanks for everyone's replies. My brother's relationship with both parents has always been good. We were fairly close growing up but he's always been a bit aloof with staying in touch and making the effort once he moved out whereas I stayed more local and saw them three ish times a week.
When he had children, my parents made themselves very available to be GPs but were rejected in favour of the inlaws. Over the years, this hurt both my parents but they never stopped being there for him or trying to be involved and supportive.
I've always been super close to my mum, when we moved away from London we still spoke on the phone most days and saw her as often as I could. Which is why I do love going to see her (well, not love it because she's not really there but still love being with her).
Dad's here at Christmas so we'll have an open chat about his moving or not moving but the implications him not moving has on support he'll get if he falls ill. He honestly won't get any from my brother. The house he's in is our big family home which he can't afford to heat, manage to maintain and I don't feel he's 100% safe in the area. He has good neighbours who look out for him but if he needs help and care, isn't that my job? My brother and I both have financial and health POA if and when it's needed.
Her alzheimer's is very advanced. Fed by spoon, pureed food, non responsive most of the time. The care home is amazing, the staff are so good and I know they care but she's my mum. The least I can do is sit with her and chat rubbish, see if I can't raise a smile every now and again!

Are you close to your father OP?

When he had children, my parents made themselves very available to be GPs but were rejected in favour of the inlaws. Over the years, this hurt both my parents but they never stopped being there for him or trying to be involved and supportive.

sounds like your bother and his parents aren’t close and there’s quite a back story

How often do you visit your father?

Your father travels from London to Suffolk once or twice a week…. By car or train? Does he stay with you or do the long journey in a day!

I feel bad for you. I do agree your brother is useless and should feel ashamed. But I also feel your dad probably shouldn't move if the reason is to be near your mum. I think it would be a great kindness to him if you told him you've thought it over and are going to stop asking him to move. I think he would be very relieved and grateful.

If it comes to the point that your dad can't look after himself anymore then he could maybe also move to a care home near you. But no need for an intermediate move to be near you and not yet in a care home if that's not what he wants to do. It's absolutely heartbreaking but maybe he realises your mum is gone and he wants to remember her the way she was, not how she is now. Having said that it sounds like he puts in a big effort to visit a lot!

I also think you should probably go easier on yourself and visit less often - maybe once a week or so. You're putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself and it doesn't sound like your mum is in a state where she needs that from you. I'm so sorry.

I’m glad you have come to the realisation that your father doesn’t need to move to Suffolk @imaginationhasfailedme

He is comfortable where he is, despite the big house being unsuitable. Moving house is extremely difficult especially at the moment with the market how it is. And it sounds like he is ok just visiting his wife once a week. Maybe you should reduce your visits also to reduce the strain. Would she even notice if her dementia is that bad?

I was wondering if you could find somewhere for your Dad to rent or even an Airbnb near you so he can spend some time near his wife?

Travelling over the winter months at 80 is not so easy.

I completely agree with this post. Good luck though OP, it is a difficult situation but not one that would necessarily be improved by your elderly father moving house.