So frustrated with my dad re moving nearer mum

[imaginationhasfailedme]

I don't know what I want from this really, just maybe to see if anyone has any other suggestions!
My dad (79) lives in London, I'm Suffolk and have been for 15 years. My mum (79) has alzheimer's plus a slew of other conditions. She was in a care home near my dad but their plan was always to move nearer me. 2.5 years ago my dad and I made the decision to move mum near me and I'd hold the fort while he sorted his end out and moved. He hasn't.

In the meantime, he's had treatment (radio) for prostate cancer and has had complications since then. But it's driving me bonkers that he still hasn't made any plans to move. I honestly think it's going to be too late (if it's not already) for him to bother moving.

Her sisters come and visit weekly, leapfrog each other, I go and see her frequently so she doesn't go more than a day without a visitor. Dad comes up once (sometimes twice) a week. My brother saw her once, December 2021. No effort since then. It's 'harder for boys' apparently.

I've tried so many different ways to encourage him to move, there's literally nothing standing in his way apart from the fact it's a massive move. And I get it. It's his home he shared with mum and the house my brother and I grew up in. But I'm still 'holding the fort' here with mum. The only upside to this is how much I've been able to spend time with her but she doesn't have much time left.

Currently sitting with Covid so can't visit her. Dad's planning on coming up later next week rather than this weekend or Monday. Which means she'll have gone days without a visitor.

If you've read this far, thank you. If you've ever successfully wrangled an elderly parent into moving, please share how! I'm cross at him, at my brother and at myself for not having persuaded him so far. I know I'll get a call from the care home one day and I'll be there in ten minutes, worrying about my dad making the long drive and being too late.

I think you need to see that the situation that for what it is in now, is the one that will remain. You can't expect your df to move now.

But you seem to be shouldering everything. Your dm doesn't need a visitor every day, she's well looked after. Your df does need to consider what he does if he needs assistance too as you can't be travelling backwards and forwards for him either. Your db should step up, but some people choose not to and he's done that.

But actually, fundamentally, my brother is who I'm maddest at. He's made zero fking effort. And makes zero with my dad either. Well, yes, that’s his prerogative. It would be nice if he did more, but he doesn’t have to. Reevaluate his position in your life but don’t waste energy on being annoyed with him

I love my dad dearly (stubborn old mule that he is, he has no social life in London, doesn't go out and about but likes his neighbours) Dont underestimate neighbours. I had very little contact with mine, just the occasional conversation. But I felt vulnerable after DHs cancer diagnosis when they told me they were leaving. Going from someone who, at a pinch, you could call on for a dash to A&E, to strangers living next door.

💯

I would try to gradually get your dad to move. Make no comment or pressure about moving. Instead of him travelling to your mam, get him to stay a night with you so he doesn't get overtired. Gradually make it 2 nights "oh dad you look tired, why don't you stay tonight again so I can make you dinner". He may get used to the company and want to stay a bit more.
Or suggest not selling the house but renting it out for a bit. Or him staying with you every weekend and going home.
Maybe he feels selling it is getting rid of all his memories of your mum. Emotional attachment more than anything.

That’s a huge assumption!

I totally agree with this OP. We are in our early 60's and both have some pretty difficult health problems. We sold up and moved long distance recently and to say it was stressful and traumatic managing it all, would be a serious understatement!! We're almost 20 years younger than your Dad, and I can tell you there is no way that I EVER want to go through that again! So, I think by accepting that expecting your Dad to move, doing the whole thing himself is not going to happen, is a good thing for you to do, and if you do both still want him to be closer to you, then as 'SeaToSki' has said, the only way to make that happen, is if YOU do it all for him. I do feel for you, as when you reach the point in your life where parents become elderly and infirm, it really is very tough, and even more so, when you're having to deal with it without any input from your lazy and grabby brother!! I'm just glad that you have the support of your DH and DD.

A friend of a friend has a business based in Surrey where she works with elderly people in your dad's situation and does all the grunt work of selling their house for them and buying another property/moving them into a care home etc. Maybe it would be worth suggesting something like this to him?