What do you wish you'd talked about earlier?

[FusionChefGeoff]

Thanks to these boards, I was a proper Adult recently and suggested to my parents (just turned 70 and in excellent health) that we start having roughly annual 'state of the nation' chats so that it's easier if / when we NEED to have a chat or in case one of them is taken ill very suddenly.

Idea is to get some basic info but also topics that the answer will change as they get older. So for now, answer to most is 'not applicable' at least it's on the table for later.

They have already given me POA financial and medical.

What should we have as the topics for discussion??

I'm thinking:

Housing - when to downsize / move closer to us or DB / local facilities etc
Health - how is everyone generally, any consultants / hospital details that would be useful
Treatment - at what point (if any) would they not want all efforts to be made to save them
Insurances - what do they have / cover / policy details
Money - bank accounts and passwords / investments eft
Pensions - as above, what, with who and how would we access
Help - quick review of cleaning / garden / food shopping etc
Driving - still a good idea?
Seeing / caring for grandkids - too much or still ok?
Friends / hobbies / social - still OK or need to find something to keep occupied
Mental health - how are they feeling

Any specifics or general ideas all gladly welcomed

As someone in their 70s I would find this very intrusive. Would you want to discuss all this very personal information about your life?

They're keen on making sure the big things are covered but I'll make sure it's led by them

Something I wish I'd done was ask them to go through all their ancient black and white photos, identify all the people and places on them, and write it on the back. I now have a box full of photos of my ancestors and have no idea who they are. And now there's no-one left to ask.

You're very wise. It's not intrusive at all if they're going to shout 'help' at you the minute there's a problem or expect any input from you. Surely as decent parents they'd want to make your lives easier.
PIL reassured us everything was in hand. As it happened when FiL was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer it came to light one will is missing, the other is 20 years old and outdated, the POA inaccurate.
They then couldn't get upstairs and MIL fell badly breaking her femur, FIL got stuck in the bath and needed pulling out (as no adaptations), the household bills all on auto renewal costing a fortune. The house still in joint names not reflecting their wishes, FIL lost his banking passwords which DH needed to help him, MIL has no ID, no one knows if they want burial, cremation or even to be resuscitated. Can't do the washing, the gardening, the shopping or the cleaning. All had to be discussed and set up in an emergency.
And on and on and on.
They said they could manage. Turns out they couldn't. Zero planning or forethought. Head in sand.
Not intrusive at all when you'll no doubt be the go to.

That's the exact dominoes falling I'm worried about @cptartapp

Plus I want to help, and I want them to know that I want to help so that if they are thinking about moving they can think about coming nearer to me rather than "we won't be a burden so will just stay where we are"

@LeefsPrings that's a really good idea thank you

Thank you, as someone who's getting older and aware of the need for conversations but a bit (or a lot!) daunted as to where to start and what needs covering, that's really helpful and you look like you've had a proper think about many of the approaching issues.

Age UK has a useful booklet called 'The Life Book' for recording all sorts of information such as this. There is a hard copy and an online version available.

I have one myself and really must get round to filling it in!

I have a desktop file on my computer entitled when I'm gone or need help. I this file on my computer there are about 5 A4 sheet stating all our bank accounts sort codes and passwords. Code for firesafe.

All debit and credit cards account numbers and passwords.

All details of our btl houses, who each mortgage is with, roughly how much is left to pay, how much rent is charged pcm, the tenants names, how long they have rented with us and their email and mobile phone numbers. Also roughly how much equity we think is in each house and the date we bought the house and price we paid. For future CGT purposes.

Details of holiday home, postal address, utilities account numbers.

French bank account details, password for debit cash card.

My utility bills in the UK. Who with, passwords etc.

Premium bonds.

A letter for each DC. Where our wills can be found.

Funeral wishes.

I update this about every 3-6 months so it should always be reasonably accurate.

My DC know about both DH and my health. We never hide any issues from them.

Maybe your parents could think about doing something similar. I know my sister has done the same for her DC.

Do you have POA for them yet? DH and I have POA for each other but have realised that it makes sense to include our grownup kids as we get closer to 70.

Completely different thread, but I've always wanted to know if Mum ever had an orgasm. I didn't have the guts to ask.

I've given permission to my children to tell me when I should stop driving.

Absolutely echo the photos thing.

I hope my mum had orgasms but not sure I'd ever have asked!

I echo pp who said family photos, but would expand to include parents memories of family history/ my early childhood. One parent has died and one has dementia and can't remember, and I feel a whole chunk of my personal history has gone as there's no one else to ask.

Also maybe if there's things they don't want you to know/ read. I keep a diary and I'm not sure I'd want dc to read it.

I think knowing where important documents and other things actually ARE is vital.

@FusionChefGeoff if they are happy for you to have POA for health then it is imperative that you know their wishes re extent if treatments, resuscitation etc.
if they are unwell before POA health is activated then medical staff will make a best interests decision that will include their long held and expressed wishes.
I also second or maybe third the photo suggestion, I have also ended up with unidentified photos and no one to ask

Get a clear filing system for all essential paperwork. POA is really difficult if you can't find what you need when the time comes.

Having recently been involved in organising a funeral where very few wishes had been expressed at any point by the deceased, who nevertheless was very particular about things being done right, I'd say it makes it a lot less fraught if anything important on that front is known in advance. I know when my father died, it was a great comfort to know that everything we did was decided by him beforehand. Saves family arguments too.

@DahliaMacNamara funerals of course! Completely missed that thank you

@caringcarer that is an excellent idea to save having to physically discuss all the details. We could set up a Google sheet or something online that I have a link to access when the time comes.

What quality of life is the minimum acceptable level for them.

My mum told me years ago that being able to get around independently, either on her feet or in a wheelchair, was what made life worth living for her. It has been really helpful to know that.

We had a rough year in 2022, lost four close family members of differing ages to various illnesses and old age. It concentrated our minds mightily in our little family. Now we all (parents in 60s, kid in late 20s) have written wills, and drawn up LPA naming each other. Everything is lodged centrally with appropriate bodies, so no worries about "where is the paper!" We have a monthly chat about everything, finances, health, property, career etc etc. It feels very freeing. We all know everything we need to know, to cope in a crisis.

My DC all know it's there and have the passcode to my computer. None of them have looked at it though. They don't know the extent of the details I have put there. I just hope it means it's easier for them to deal with everything if either I can no longer do it or I die. I've given my youngest DS a £55k deposit to put down on his house and told him at the time I'd deduct it from his inheritance. In his letter I've gently reminded him he will be receiving £55k less than his siblings. In my other 2 DC's letters I've told them you will receive a bit more as you've not had much financial help, and they must not feel bad they are getting a bit more now. Also the big surprise is if they let out holiday home for 3-4 weeks a year that will pay for all taxes and upkeep and they can share it and all enjoy going on holiday there and draw lots for choices of weeks by each year and could choose to allow their cousins to holiday there too.

My parents are 80 and 82.

I've just asked them for a list of all their passwords. My dad, in particular has a complex series of hints written down for each password. It's a system I will never be able to work out, even though he's convinced I will!

I already have LPA for health and finance.

I tried to do it with my frail 90 year old parents. Both siblings over last few years made it clear to me that they will not deal with any paperwork, the house or remaining parent. I was particularly concerned about everything is in my dad's name only, house, pension, insurances all utilities. They have separate bank accounts so his could be frozen at death leaving utilities unpaid and no money for mum as his pension ends on his death. Mum's meager pension won't cover the heating bills or her care.
He will not discuss it and after a bit of an argument said he doesn't care what happens when he is dead, really grown up attitude dad.
There is a separate thread regarding probate and even with all the info to hand it looks daunting.

Death + funerals, especially if only one parent is left.

I would particularly like a list of who should be informed in the event of a death - there are obvious ones, of course, but there will be others I don't know about.

It comes up sometimes for my mother the other way round, e.g. "I didn't hear from X at Christmas this year, I wonder if they're still alive..."

I am only 63 but have already put a lot of this in place. This is because my DD's father (my first husband) became ill and died soon afterwards 2 years ago.
He had left no valid will. All paperwork out of date and in a mess. A big house full of hoarded rubbish. No POA for finance or health and Welfare which made things difficult when he was ill.
I don't want DD and DS to have so many difficulties once I need help/become incapacitated so I have a paid funeral plan in place, an up to date will and both POAs. I have downsized my home and my DC know where to find all paperwork; and have log in information for my laptop. I have written an Advance Decision regarding how I wish to be cared for, with instructions on my wishes if I am unable to make decisions for myself. My GP practice and my DC have copies of that document.
I feel much happier knowing all this is in place.

I know it's absolutely not the point of this thread but I wish I'd asked my mums experience of the menopause.she died when I was in my early 30s (she was early 60s) with a baby and 4 year old so it seemed a long way off.

I think also being aware that opinions will vary on the right time to move/downsize/stop driving etc.
Ideally the right time to downsize or move house is before you need to.....but before it's an imminent necessity, lots of people won't want to do that.