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Elderly parents

What do you wish you'd talked about earlier?

55 replies

FusionChefGeoff · 18/10/2023 14:02

Thanks to these boards, I was a proper Adult recently and suggested to my parents (just turned 70 and in excellent health) that we start having roughly annual 'state of the nation' chats so that it's easier if / when we NEED to have a chat or in case one of them is taken ill very suddenly.

Idea is to get some basic info but also topics that the answer will change as they get older. So for now, answer to most is 'not applicable' at least it's on the table for later.

They have already given me POA financial and medical.

What should we have as the topics for discussion??

I'm thinking:

Housing - when to downsize / move closer to us or DB / local facilities etc
Health - how is everyone generally, any consultants / hospital details that would be useful
Treatment - at what point (if any) would they not want all efforts to be made to save them
Insurances - what do they have / cover / policy details
Money - bank accounts and passwords / investments eft
Pensions - as above, what, with who and how would we access
Help - quick review of cleaning / garden / food shopping etc
Driving - still a good idea?
Seeing / caring for grandkids - too much or still ok?
Friends / hobbies / social - still OK or need to find something to keep occupied
Mental health - how are they feeling

Any specifics or general ideas all gladly welcomed

OP posts:
FusionChefGeoff · 22/11/2023 11:54

Just a quick update that we had the first meeting and it was really good. They weren't offended at all, took it all in good grace and even showed me where the safe is!

They're going to use the idea of the online spreadsheet / folder and include funeral details etc.

I now know a lot more about how they view their future, they know I'm willing to have them here if they need that for companion / admin / general life but we all agreed that when the time comes for medical type care it's carers and then care homes so we can keep a parent / child relationship as long as possible.

They also went to look at a bungalow last week so it's definitely got them thinking.

Plus we now have a shorthand to refer to any difficult conversations (42 thanks to Douglas Adams!) which will make it much easier to instigate any discussions when they need to happen.

I'd definitely encourage everyone to have a go.

OP posts:
EmotionalBlackmail · 24/11/2023 14:24

There are inaccuracies above. Hospitals and care homes don't 'bump off' elderly people with opiates or dehydration. Yes, hospitals in particular can be rubbish at communication.

As people approach their final days their appetite naturally diminishes as their organs begin to shut down and their body stops being able to process food and fluid. So sticking them on an IV would be cruel and pointless. Good mouth care is crucial (little sponge things to moisten the lips and mouth) at this stage.

Opiates are often prescribed so they aren't in pain, possibly using a syringe driver the person can control themselves. But TBH after Shipman I'd be more worried about not enough pain relief being available than too much!

MereDintofPandiculation · 25/11/2023 10:21

But TBH after Shipman I'd be more worried about not enough pain relief being available than too much! As is being demonstrated, sadly, by another current thread

cleverusernamehere · 26/11/2023 09:58

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NewspaperTaxis · 04/12/2023 12:30

EmotionalBlackmail · 24/11/2023 14:24

There are inaccuracies above. Hospitals and care homes don't 'bump off' elderly people with opiates or dehydration. Yes, hospitals in particular can be rubbish at communication.

As people approach their final days their appetite naturally diminishes as their organs begin to shut down and their body stops being able to process food and fluid. So sticking them on an IV would be cruel and pointless. Good mouth care is crucial (little sponge things to moisten the lips and mouth) at this stage.

Opiates are often prescribed so they aren't in pain, possibly using a syringe driver the person can control themselves. But TBH after Shipman I'd be more worried about not enough pain relief being available than too much!

Well, I think you'll find they do, @EmotionalBlackmail I take it you've heard of what went on at the Gosport War Memorial Hospital some years ago. It's a matter of public record that opiates were prescribed, but to date nobody has ever got into trouble over this, despite numerous police 'investigations' by different forces, each one taking its time. I see all that as a dress rehearsal for what went on during lockdown.

There's a reason why my sister and I had to take it in turns to visit Mum in various Surrey care homes to give her drink, while all our appeals to the manager fell on deaf ears. It took us way too long to figure it out, though when you do it makes no difference. It seems to be authorised at the highest level.

I'm not talking about folk approaching their final days. I'm talking about the State pushing them towards their final days. To save money on pensions and prescriptions, and to get a nice inheritance tax boost.

St Helier Hospital local to me has been accused of euthanasia in this report which sadly never made it into the print version of the local paper. When we got Dad into Epsom General Hospital in late April this year we ran up against some very odd, nasty behaviour at the Acute Medical Unit (AMU) and we had to produce a hard copy of the LPA in Health and Welfare to get him out. The person in charge there pored over it for a loophole, had us surrounded by all her work colleagues on the ward suddenly, one of them whipping out a smart phone to film what looked like an engineered confrontation - we didn't rise to it but just got him out. I don't think they was motivated by tender care for Dad.

Sadly, in October this year when Dad was significantly more poorly we had to get him to the same hospital but understandably chose the Mary Seacole ward instead. I think we got 'played' with tea and sympathy - we just let our guard down and were mentally and physically fatigued. Dad went on the ward Monday, was dead by late Wednesday night. It leaves a bitter taste - we would rather have got him home, well we couldn't have done a worse job than them as it turned out.

That said, I will concede that other posts on the 'Elderly Parents' thread are at variance with this - to the point where with a couple of them I even contacted Mumsnet HQ to question if they were valid, especially as one member didn't seem to have posted anything else. Musmnet confirmed they was valid; they'd posted under another name usually - I think the policy varies re local NHS Trusts, also if the patient retains any mental capacity, that makes the difference in some instances. If not, if they seem to have a whiff of significant dementia, then they can do as they please, especially if the family didn't know to get LPA in Health and Welfare, well, it's not down to them frankly.

The policy does seem wholly contradictory, almost as if the State is saying, whatever the family wants, we'll do the opposite.

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