Clearing out the house after the death of a parent

[ŁadnaPogoda]

My Mum died last autumn. We have finally sorted probate and are currently staying in her house while some long overdue maintenance is being carried out on our house, at the same time clearing her house before it is sold.

This was not my childhood home, but I am finding the clearing out quite difficult. I don’t want much from the house, but am finding the few things that I thought I might keep gave disappeared. In addition to this, my Mum also seemed to have become a bit of a hoarder - nothing got thrown out when she bought new stuff. I have got rid of over 50 tablecloths, several dinner services and tea sets, and no end of bedding and towels. I’m finding it exhausting. Most stuff can just go in the bin or to charity, but every so often I find something that triggers memories and makes me sad. It’s often odd things, like a souvenir from her first visit to Jerusalem, and more stupidly, some household stuff that she bought when she came to visit me in Poland in the 80s. There wasn’t much to buy then, and she was just determined to buy something useful, yet it never got used?

We haven’t even started on the garage and loft, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by the whole process.

Gosh - that sounds like a big task - have you got anyone helping you?

Sorry for your loss

I'm so sorry your mum died. That must be incredibly tough, emptying her house. When you say some things have disappeared, do you think someone has taken them?

I’m sorry for your loss.

I’m in a similar position in that I need to clear out my mum’s bedroom. I’ve found little and often helps. At the moment anything emotional I put in one one pile and things that bring about no emotion (new tights from the 80s!) I put in charity bags and move on. I plan on revisiting the emotional things later. I found it really hard in the beginning especially when it felt as if she’d just left. It’s not easy but you aren’t alone and there are others out here doing the same.

I am sorry for your loss and you have my sympathies about the house clearance.

We had the clear the house of an elderly relative who lived 200 miles away. They were a 'hoarder'.

We went over once a month for the w/e and it took a year.

It is such a hard job.
Id agree with a PP, keep the things that have an emotional attachment for now. After some time you will be able to look more objectively at things and be able to get rid of them.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep some things as they are a link to your mum.

I'm so sorry
It's really tough x
My dad died nearly 4 years ago and we were part way through clearing out the house (my childhood home) when lockdown happened. Any sort of momentum was broken and then we had to start again. But I think doing over a period of time probably helped as it wasn't so raw. I kept a big box of things that were sentimental....but actually about a year later I was ready to part with some of the things. It took a bit longer to adjust to if that makes sense?

My elderly mother has a 5 bedroom house and garage full to capacity! It is going to be a major task when my sister and I will have to clear it. I live abroad so it’ll have to be done within an allotted period of time no going back and forth just at the weekends. My sister has tried clearing out things already but that just stresses out my mother.
I feel for you and I’m sorry for your loss.

I totally understand how you are feeling. My DH lost both of his parents in quick succession. He couldn't face going through all their stuff nor could his siblings so we used house clearers. DH and siblings just took a few sentimental bits from the house before the clearers came in. They found that easier.

To be honest I'm not sure I could do that when I lose my DM but if it gets too painful it is an option.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

It's hugely hard. I've had some experience of this after my dad's death, though not a whole house.

I think the fact you are living there while clearing it out is hard. I think all you can do is focus on areas one at a time & ideally, move back out of the house to complete the major clear out. Have you siblings helping you?

It’s the hardest job. I started ten days after my mums funeral and stayed in her bed for two weeks while I sorted it, it was too much really looking back but I was high as a kite on adrenaline and shock and just ploughed on.

The guilt of throwing much loved clothes into the clothing bank was indescribable, ditto the shoes.

We started with the most mundane of stuff like Tupperware boxes and food and by the time we got to the personal items we had become desensitised to some extent. Incredibly painful OP, I hope you are ok.

if it makes you feel any better, at the end I felt a great sense of accomplishment and pride that we had carefully and sensitively sorted it all out and left the house immaculate as she would have done. It feels like it was the last thing I did for her ❤️

OR if it’s too hard, do the house clearer thing, there’s no need to torment yourself more than you would be already: we intended to do that ourselves but just carried on. I just found clearing it very therapeutic in my own way but I am highly sentimental especially about anything connected to my mum or my childhood.

all the best.

We had a deadline as ILs were in an HA property so engaged a house clearance company. Told people if they wanted anything they needed to come beforehand. We took all paperwork home to deal with separately.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
My dm died last year and sorting the house was horrendous.
It felt awful going through dm's belongings knowing that you can't keep everything.
The family took what they wanted, sentimental reminders etc, then we had to be brutal.
White goods, bits of furniture went to a friend's son who had just got their first house.
All clothes were sent to the charity shop along with dm's books then we hired a skip and basically threw everything that was left in the skip.
Broke my heart, it felt like we were throwing her life away.
All the little treasures that she loved, all gone.
If you can't face it maybe you could get a house clearance in.
I really feel for you, it's so difficult

Sorry for your loss, OP.

I found it made it easier to let go of things if I took photos. I even took photos of my mum's clothes.

That’s it - it feels like I am throwing her life away. I also shuttle between Central Europe and U.K., which hasn’t been easy. I took a lot of her clothes - tops, jeans, fleeces, coats, to a women’s refuge, and seeing how excited the women were at their new clothes helped a lot.

I don’t think anyone has taken anything but I think some things have got lost. I wanted my great grandmother’s plates, which she brought with her (she was a refugee) when she came to U.K. and haven’t been able to find them. They might be in the loft, I suppose, but I think a lot of stuff went missing when she downsized after my Dad died.

We will probably get in house clearance to deal with the garage, but I want to make sure there is nothing I want first. It all seems to be furniture from the old house - as DH said, why on earth did she bring a dining table and chairs for 12, when there is no room?

@Time40 exactly!

We did the same. Did a quick morning of picking up photos, the odd painting, but most was just day to day stuff. Got house clearers in, they cleared the lot, then had a company in for a total house clean. Clearance was free, cleaners £150. Then put house on market. Was so easy.

I was just going to suggest this. DH's DF liked to paint. There were some good ones and not so good ones. The family all took a painting they would like and sadly the rest went in the bin but we took photos so they weren't gone forever.

It’s really tough, isn’t it? I finally emptied my late mum’s house last year (and that included two visits from a property clearance company and a lot of expense). My parents had two places they put things no longer in use: the loft and the cellar. They never threw anything away. I chose to keep key things that have meaning for me, and most of the rest has been donated. I ensured the things that mattered but for which I had no house room went somewhere they’ll be valued.

I'm not surprised it stresses out your mother. Someone coming into my home and throwing MY things away would stress me out.
If you don't want the hassle of clearing the house once your mother has died, just get a house clearance company in to do it, but please, let your mother live her final years with her things around her.

It was the paperwork that took time for me. Years and years of bank statements , every bill going back years , pensions paperwork , basically every bit of paper that wasn't junk mail .
I spend weeks shreading it , with lots of black bags of it to get rid of.

Oh yes, the paperwork… we kept finding different accounts with differing amounts in. Preparing for probate took forever. I’ve just been into the garage and have found another dinner service, several casserole dishes and a collection of jugs.

I’m at last thinking I can start on my Dad’s stuff, he’s still in a nursing home but not going to want or ask for any of it now. Our house is absolutely stuffed, but DH not ready to get rid of stuff, so I’ve tried to list everything of monetary or sentimental value to make things easier for DC. I intend to sort after DH’s death, and am allowing myself 4 years. Life may get in the way.

The real heart-string tugger for me was seeing the things of Mum that Dad had kept, and getting a window into his grief.

The dinner services are getting to me too! I have all DM’s stuff, and the DC won’t want it. I have my own everyday set, and the “best” set that used to come out for birthdays and Christmas so holds nice memories for me (as well as being a really nice set) but there are two other sets I don’t use. Meanwhile I’m using the nice table linen every day, getting enjoyment out of it as there’s no point saving it for DC, ditto the heirloom jewellery - nothing of value, but I have a photograph of my great-grandmother wearing some of it.

It upsets me when I look at the nice stuff I have and know that after me there will be no-one to value it.

Sympathies to you OP. It is a really difficult thing to do. I hade to clear my childhood home several years ago and found it very difficult. There were definitely hoarding tendencies at play and a degree of disorganisation meant I couldn’t just get a clearance firm in as I had no idea where the things I might want to keep would be. It took me many weekend visits to clear even with the help of a friend. I found all my school reports (at least 20 years old) in a shopping trolley that was only one year old, I know this because the friend helping had gifted it to her 🤣😮 There were photographs in each room except the bathroom. There was so much stuff in a small terraced house it was unreal. Agree with some previous posters that staring with everyday stuff and moving onto more sentimental things can be easier - if there is discernible organisation at least.
This experience is one of the reasons I am on the very long running decluttering threads (started as one thing a day) I am trying to keep on top of things so my kids aren’t faced with the same troubles.

I'm now pleased I took the time to go through DMs things and consider everything, either to keep, give to charity (now or later, was during covid), or give to neighbours - particularly practical and garden items (I knew she'd be pleased these things were being used). It now makes me feel less guilty about then having the house clearers in, because I feel I had respected her by spending that time sorting though things.