Clearing out the house after the death of a parent

[ŁadnaPogoda]

My Mum died last autumn. We have finally sorted probate and are currently staying in her house while some long overdue maintenance is being carried out on our house, at the same time clearing her house before it is sold.

This was not my childhood home, but I am finding the clearing out quite difficult. I don’t want much from the house, but am finding the few things that I thought I might keep gave disappeared. In addition to this, my Mum also seemed to have become a bit of a hoarder - nothing got thrown out when she bought new stuff. I have got rid of over 50 tablecloths, several dinner services and tea sets, and no end of bedding and towels. I’m finding it exhausting. Most stuff can just go in the bin or to charity, but every so often I find something that triggers memories and makes me sad. It’s often odd things, like a souvenir from her first visit to Jerusalem, and more stupidly, some household stuff that she bought when she came to visit me in Poland in the 80s. There wasn’t much to buy then, and she was just determined to buy something useful, yet it never got used?

We haven’t even started on the garage and loft, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by the whole process.

Spot on Catinawhirl. Stuff went to local refuge, the neighbours, her friends, charity shops and even a rather niche museum. It was quite therapeutic but also quite sad. There were things that had been in her “bottom drawer” when she married that had been saved for best and then never used. I’m now using the tea set and some of the tablecloths I don’t save things for best I use them and enjoy them.It has changed my attitude to a few things.

I'm currently doing this whilst mum is still alive. She is in hospital with terminal cancer.

I'm throwing out everything that isn't nailed down. She isn't able to walk anymore so she won't see what I've done and it won't stress her out.

She's something of a hoarder too.

When my paternal grandmother died, my mum was all for chucking out the piles of 'stuff' without a second thought however dad insisted on going through them and found his great uncles war medals, old photographs and other family treasures that would have just been lost. Yes 99% of it was rubbish - shopping lists from 1990 (!) and electricity bills from the same era but those precious 1% items - he's so glad he didn't lose them. He found it impossible to start the clearance so mum had to take the lead.

I’m glad you are taking your time to go through everything. My father in law died just before lockdown so DH cleared everything out of their loft and put it all in one bedroom. We have a friend who does house clearances and said he’d clear the lot. I would have liked more time to have looked through everything before it all went. In fact we had just started sorting stuff when our friend arrived. It was very disheartening watching them break up furniture.

We had 2 weeks to clear my nannas home of over 50 years, rental (yes rented the whole time could have bought it many times over) it's upsetting but having a deadline helped. I kept a few things

This reminds me of my DGM situation. She lived to a few months short of 100, and with my parents for the last 10 years of her life, so we were very close.

The family kept her own home during that period but over the years two of the siblings began clearing it out, which was fine.

It was only after her death we realised how much they'd thrown out, including a wonderful collection of letters she had, exchanged between her & 2 of her sisters-in-law. They were wonderful & regular letter-writers, and all loved travel as retirees so they were fascinating. My DGM used to give them to me to read so they weren't private in that sense.

All gone. 😔

They were a terrific social history as much as anything.

My own mother has got ruthless after my DF's death - she had his clothes gone quickly & I'd love to have had a chance to keep something.

I’m so sorry for your loss. We have just DH Mum alive still and she is a hoarder. I have told DH when she goes his sister and him should go through and take what they want and then I will deal with it if they like because I have no emotional attachment to her stuff at all.

Mum will be moving to a care home in future. It’s a rented flat so we get 2 weeks grace to clear it. Sibling and I will probably move most of the personal things to my house and chuck / sell quickly the furniture.

its mostly books and a few bits that belonged to her parents.

DSis has already lifted bits she wants without telling me but I know she has form for this

Absolutely take your time OP, it is so overwhelming sorting through someone’s belongings. You wish you could keep it all!

My Mum died suddenly aged 60, 3 years ago and I remember one of the hardest things were sorting out her work shoes and coat by the door, just waiting for her to come back. I had to do it in stages as it was too difficult to sort out her clothes still with tags on she had bought for summer. Most stuff went to charity or given away to family if they could make use of it. I kept a few of her cardigans and jewellery in the end

I remember one of the hardest things were sorting out her work shoes and coat by the door, just waiting for her to come back.

💔 that's so hard.

We left my dad's walking coat & backpack in the utility room where they were always kept.

It's 5 years now & I feel more emotional looking at them, than I've done before. Like he will definitely come back to use them.

I have my mum's cardigan and one of my dad's favourite shirts in my own wardrobe. Mum died 12 years ago and I vaguely planned to get a memory bear or similar made but not yet got round to it!

Forgot that part of my mums white satin wedding dress went to a charity that makes christening and burial gowns for late miscarriages and stillbirths. Lovely to find a use for things - my mum told me she no longer had it as it had got muddle when having pictures take. Really shocked to find it behind winter coats in her wardrobe

We just used a house clearance firm. Cost about £1k and the house was totally empty after 2 days. No hassle/stress whatsoever.

What is the charity? Mine is just sitting in the loft and that's a lovely cause.

So sorry for your loss.

My parents both died in 2021 and it took me and my 2 siblings months and months to sort the house out. They were collectors of lots of different things and also both had lots of clothes, books, plants, ornaments etc.

We gave quite a lot of things to charity but I couldn't get over the feeling of getting rid of all the things they had bought and collected over the years. They never had much money so none of the items were valuable but I knew they meant something to them. It felt like throwing their lives away.

Me and DH ended up taking an awful lot of their things - clothes, books, ornaments, furniture whereas my 2 siblings didn't take anywhere near as much.

We had to rent a storage unit to put it a lot of it! For ages I could not even go to the unit but I am now able to go and sort it out a bit and hope to be able to get rid of the unit by Christmas.

It is very difficult

Probably one of the worst things I've ever had to do was to clear my parents home when they had to go into a care home. They'd lived there for over 50 years and it was stuffed full, albeit in an organised way.
I had some advice to take photos of things that I didn't want to keep but might want to see again.
I used to go with my husband and do a few hours, then go for a walk in the park or out for coffee as a 'reward'. It was a horrible process but needed to be done.

Keep going.

My sympathies OP. I had to go through this last year after my Dad passed away. He was also a bit of a hoarder and it was a lengthy and emotional process. I had some help from my other half with the piles of paperwork and things, but it's hard for them to understand how difficult it is when they dont have the same emotional attachment to things that you do.

I have many things I want to keep and no space in my tiny little house to keep them. My Dad also kept quite a bit of my mum's things despite her having passed away fifteen years before. I found one of her favourite cardigans in his wardrobe which I decided to keep, and when I went to wash it I found a note of hers in the pocket. It was a shopping list and at the bottom was a note to buy my favourite biscuits. I cried so much when I found it. It was like a tiny love note to me after such a long time of missing her.

@countrygirl99 cherised gowns was the one I donated too. Looking today they have accepted all the gowns they can this year. Google baby gown stillbirth and lots of others are out there. I hope to start making gowns or knitting the hats and bootees for them once I retire and have some time to dedicate to it.

Found this thread just now and wondered how you got on op?

I'm currently trying to clear my parents home, where they've been my whole life (50+ years). Df died 8 years ago but mum got ill shortly after so she never got round to clearing anything of his. She's now had to go into a home so we need to sell the house to fund it.

I'm finding it soo hard. Like pp have said, like throwing away their lives. They've kept loads of stuff - large family home, loft and garage. Any top tips? Taking photos is a good one. We don't want to use a house clearance company. I feel I have to search through everything as there's quite a lot that's jumbled - I found my dgm's jewelry in a carrier bag with random Christmas cards.

We've removed all the obvious rubbish, but now left with loads of sentimental stuff- all their clothes and shoes, hundreds of carefully selected books, ornaments, artwork etc. I just don't know where to start. Not a lot of storage room at either my of dbs houses. I can't bear throwing away things they loved.

It’s a horrible job, you have my sympathy.

When we were clearing my DM’s house, a sister IL had the brainwave of posting on Freecycle (or whatever the local thing was) that there would be a free ‘help yourself’ afternoon.

We piled a load of stuff in the sitting room - it was amazing what people came and took away, inc. e.g. things like saucepans, which we thought a mite too old and worn to give to a charity shop.

My DM hadn’t died, she’d had to move to a care home (dementia). Having also done it after a death, IMO it’s almost worse when someone’s still alive - you feel as if you’re throwing their whole life away - I did, anyway.

I hear all of you!
Ive recently completed on the sale of my parents home after losing them in the last year.

It was a stunning home, and could easily have appeared in Homes and Gardens - in its hey day.

However, it was a nightmare to clear. Mum had saved so much absolute rubbish, including her own hair when she’s pulled it out of a brush or trimmed it herself. We discovered all her medications in boxes in her wardrobe from the last 5 years. Unfortunately dementia was taking hold and Dad had no idea about all this.

I sent so much to charity, made hundreds of trips to the Tip but I’m afraid our garage is now full of China, antiques and handmade furniture that my great great grandad made for his marriage.

I move house this week.
I also have a large house that I’m trying to pack up, knowing the garage needs to be dealt with too.

I’m going through feeling totally overwhelmed for the second time in A few months.

Send HELP. Lots of it!

I’ve started saving Amazon paper that they pad out their oversized boxes with - it’s useful under the cats’ feeding tray, don’t have to wash the floor so often. DH is saving little transparent plastic food boxes to sort nails and screws into. He has a whole stack of them downstairs. I fear we’re turning into hoarders. DC will not understand, any more than I understood my father stockpiling plastic margarine tubs against the time the LA got round to recycling them.

Not yet saving my hair, though

When we got rid of my Dads stuff we were brutal and got rid of almost everything. I kept some photos but I can't, off hand, think of anything else. He was t the type of person to attach any sentimentality to objects so we didn't either. He died of cancer so we gave anything of any worth to a Cancer Charity shop.
We sold his car and put the money towards a garden makeover for my Mum.

We have never regretted getting rid of everything. I still find plenty of things remind me of my Dad, I'm not going to forget him because I haven't got his stuff.

Sorry OP, I forgot to say that I am sorry for your loss and that I'm not the least bit surprised you are feeling overwhelmed. It's a massive and difficult job.

Clearing a loved ones house is difficult.

After my step dad died my DM moved to live with my sister. DMs bungalow had to be readied for sale. It was jam packed with stuff. DM and step dad had so many clothes - I counted 40 pairs of trousers for step dad, many of them still with labels on. They had dozens and dozens of "nic-nacs". It was overwhelming to look at and think about. DM wasn't interested in any of it, or what happened to it, once she'd left.

I couldn't face getting rid of it. Like PPs have written, it felt like disposing of someone's life. The things that made me tear up were things like the kitchen utensils, I remembered the potato masher from when I was a teenager. It was the thought of my mum being in the kitchen, making dinner for us that upset me.

In the end it was by DB, who is less sentimental than me, who took the bull by the horns. Clothes went to the salvation army, family were given a month to go and take anything they wanted, and then DB hired a house clearance company to take everything that was left.