Clearing out the house after the death of a parent

[ŁadnaPogoda]

My Mum died last autumn. We have finally sorted probate and are currently staying in her house while some long overdue maintenance is being carried out on our house, at the same time clearing her house before it is sold.

This was not my childhood home, but I am finding the clearing out quite difficult. I don’t want much from the house, but am finding the few things that I thought I might keep gave disappeared. In addition to this, my Mum also seemed to have become a bit of a hoarder - nothing got thrown out when she bought new stuff. I have got rid of over 50 tablecloths, several dinner services and tea sets, and no end of bedding and towels. I’m finding it exhausting. Most stuff can just go in the bin or to charity, but every so often I find something that triggers memories and makes me sad. It’s often odd things, like a souvenir from her first visit to Jerusalem, and more stupidly, some household stuff that she bought when she came to visit me in Poland in the 80s. There wasn’t much to buy then, and she was just determined to buy something useful, yet it never got used?

We haven’t even started on the garage and loft, but some days I just feel overwhelmed by the whole process.

My mum was killed in a car accident in the September. By Christmas Eve we were handing over the keys to the family house of over fifty years.
All emptied, sortied, funeral etc in twelve weeks.
Worst time of my life.

@tokesqueen it must have been a very difficult, emotional time for you. I don't know if fast paced is better or worse than slow paced with regards to coming to terms with what's happened and "got to be done".

I had to do DM's fast because she died in Australia, I went over from the UK for the funeral and took the next week to sort all her stuff out. DB laid out some decorating trestles and I unloaded his garage. Just as well everyone was at work because there were a lot of tears - she'd saved school reports, all the cards and postcards we'd sent her, stuff like that. SIL's colleague had just split with his wife, moved into a flat and had nothing, so we told him to help himself to glass, china and anything he could find useful, the rest went to St Vincent de Paul.

Last time I visited DB was using the cutlery parents bought when they moved into their first house in the early 60s. I gave him a look and he said 'well, they still work, don't they?' 😂

It is a difficult thing to do, I do understand.

My brother and I have just cleared our Mum's house and sold it to pay care home fees. We used a professional house clearance and auctioneers company (I had to persuade my brother) and I'm so glad we did.

He is way more sentimental than me and I found out that he'd taken all of Mum's coats up to his house, rather than send them to charity! I can't think why and what he's going to do with them! She has two coats with her in the care home. If they'd gone to the charity shop they would have made money for a local charity in the town where my Mum lives, which is a children's hospice and which she specifically asked for any donations to go to! I can't be annoyed with him, but it's like he's not thinking straight.

Lindor, re. the coats, I think that’s quite touching re your brother.

@LindorDoubleChoc for some reason, getting rid of my mum’s coats and shoes nearly finished me off. Different situation to you guys as she died 3 months ago and I’ve just done a clear out of stuff with my dad (at his request) But clearing them from the hallway was really final and drove it home I think that she’s not coming back.

So sorry to hear others are struggling with this too. I'm finding clothes esp hard - accepting she has no use for all her old outfits eg going out shoes and bags, ski boots, tennis shoes etc - feels very final.

She's also kept loads of stuff of her parents, and mine/ dbs. It feels awful knowing she kept all our drawings etc for 40 years, then me come along and just tip them. I'm trying to be more brutal, but I'm amassing more and more things with nowhere to store them, so will have to do a cull soon.

The thing that triggered me to cry when going through Mums house was she had kept my one school report where my form teacher had said I was kind and generous. Also in a drawer in her bedroom she had a few bits my sister's and I had made for her when we were small children. She had kept a straw star I made for her when I was about 8. My Dad had kept a charm from each of our wedding cakes too.

I’m in the middle of doing this. I know exactly what you mean - I feel like I’m throwing their lives away. And they kept so much. My first birthday cards, their wedding invitations, so much stuff. And a trifle bowl can reduce me to tears.

❤️

My dad has been dead 10 years and I still have his coat and cap hanging on the peg in my hall. I just bring myself to get rid of them.

What brought tears to my eyes, some weeks after FiL died, was when dh for some reason after he’d been going through all his stuff, had brought his manky old tennis shoes home - FIL was mad on tennis.

Our dog went mad with excitement - they smelt of Grandpa! She did love Grandpa. 🐶❤️

We had to do this when my grandma moved to a nursing home. She lived in a two bed council flat and we had a limited time to get it cleared.
Like others on this thread,she hoarded certain items,with her it was bedding, we found packs and packs of sheets and pillow cases that had never been opened. I took some of the flannelette sheets home and they lasted over 20 years before washing so thin that I had to make them into dusters.
I would advise anyone clearing an elderly person's house to check in obscure places for money. We found £15k hidden behind a bath panel,and I know someone else who hid £100s in the padded headboard of his bed. Hiding cash in books is another favourite.

One thing I have done,is started to make a list of anything valuable that I possess,and put the list in the safe. I collect books and some are worth a fair bit,but if you didn't know, you'd perhaps box the whole lot up and get rid of them.I've gone as far as putting 'bookmarks' in some with "signed first edition-do not dump" or similar written on them.

I echo the pp about searching for cash. I know where the hiding places are in my parents house. However I was working as a bank cashier in the 90s when one of our regular customers kept coming in with defunct bank notes including 10 shilling notes. Turns out she was clearing an elderly relatives house and there was money hidden between the pages of books and newspapers.

Im also in the middle of sorting mums belongings, 7 bags of clothing to charity as she requested. Now im going through mounds of paperwork - and I've discovered that she kept instructions manuals for EVERYTHING! - photo albums are next but I just cant face those yet x

@MissMarplesNiece DM had had to deal with the deaths and houseclearings of her gran, her aunt and her mother, so she was a Swedish Death Cleaner par excellence. And her partner lives on in the house they shared, so there was good reason for me not to go in and strip out all her stuff.
But I did take a few things - a painting I remember her buying on a trip we took to London, ... And a few bits and bobs of kitchen stuff, particularly the potato ricer and the wooden spoons that she must have inherited from her mum or auntie.

I don't eat mashed potatoes even!

I did take a load of her smarter clothes to a charity collection work was doing - smart work clothes for poor women basically - she would have been very much in favour. Though that was just around the time of the first lockdown, so ...

I had memory bears made out of clothes belonging to DM and later on DF, but TBH I'm not very sentimental about them!