Parents staying in large & unsuitable house - anything we should do to futureproof?

[movemamamove]

My siblings and I have been trying to persuade my folks to downsize and move somewhere less rural/closer. They've made vaguely positive noises but it's clear they don't actually want to go move so these conversations have just become difficult and frankly pointless.

We won't raise the subject of moving again but they don't seem to acknowledge they are aging and that a big house miles from anyone (including all of us) won't be suitable forever & if they want to stay maybe we should look at doing a few adjustments whilst it's not urgent. Both 80 and until a year ago very fit, well & young for their age but a minor stroke & for Dad and mum needing both a thyroid & hip op has aged them and they are much slower, far less mobile and less social.
Is there any thing practical we could be doing now to save frantic running around if/when one takes seriously ill or dies leaving the other one stranded and along. Anyone else been in this situation who can offer general advice about getting them to talk about aging, death, practicalities?

My mum firmly didn't want the place 'looking like an old folks home'. That bit her on the arse when my dad's health failed but he lingered on.
A couple of grab rails and a shower seat, just one of those tip up ones, would have made all the difference.
The tiny shower room was totally swamped by the shower chair. The basin and door frame were used as grab rails. The house was full of proper NHS old people's home equipment rather than a few discrete helps. Everything is now a bit more battered and wobbly than my house proud mother could ever have imagined.
Still gives her something to moan about.

A keysafe, is very helpful and informing GP the number.

RESPECT document can be completed via GP and is document with their wishes for emergency treatment etc. Where they would prefer to die etc.

Documentation of the faciltiies they use etc.

A list of emergency contacts easily viewed in the house, for paramedics etc.

A hospital bag: containing, charger, list of contacts, list of medications and change for vending machines.

Remove any tips hazzards - usually small rugs!!

Online shopping, some of my patients have regualr delivery drivers and they are very helpful.

Regular cleaner/gardener.

The ones that aren’t “running around” aren’t going to turn to MN for help, are they? We’re a biased sample

I think they've left it too late. My DPs have just done it and they're 10 yrs younger (although with health problems) and it was almost too much for them. My dad moved 200 miles at 83, then embedded himself into life to the extent that one of the societies he joined ended up giving him honorary life membership for services rendered. It’s not simply age.

My dad moved 200 miles at 83, then embedded himself into life to the extent that one of the societies he joined ended up giving him honorary life membership for services rendered. It’s not simply age.
Your DF is pretty unique@MereDintofPandiculation
My DPs upsized at 74, nearly 40 miles away, and then tried to pretend to their original doctor that they hadn't moved out the catchment. Seventeen very difficult and needy years followed. Not all DPs the same.

Very difficult and I went through this with my parents. A second stair rail on the other side to the banister is very useful. If you can persuade them to get a spacious downstairs shower room put in, that would be a great idea. Then they could set up on the ground floor if needed due to the stairs getting too much. It would also reduce the falls risk.
You just don't know what the future holds but that would increase their options and their house being suitable for them to continue living in it.
My mum needed to go into a nursing home due to dementia and constant falling/broken bones due to osteoporosis, she needed the higher level of care, supervision and less opportunities to get herself in a pickle. The stairs had got too much for her and the layout was such that a stairlift would have made them almost too narrow to use normally and nowhere for the seat to go out of the way. my dad was able to stay home until the day he left for the hospice where he passed 48 hours later, and he was on his own coping very well with a gardener and me cleaning and doing his admin for a couple of years. I only moved in to stay for the final 2 weeks. He was still driving keeping local until a month before he died at 96. He managed the stairs fine pretty much to the end, even his final trip down he did on his own (his wish) with a few of us there 'just in case'

Good luck, and I have to say that the worst part of the end of my parents was definitely clearing the house after they'd gone! The decluttering we had done had barely scraped the surface.

Get POA set up for both of them for finance and health

Key safe

Keep house in good repair so it can quickly be sold if necessary - including garden

I personally would get them used to having a cleaner and gardener and maybe making the cleaner a sort of housekeeper but also company.

Keep on top of them using tech to contact you if you can - my Dad was v good at this, MIL terrible and we had a nightmare keeping in touch as it was literally by us writing to her she couldn't get out to post, had hearing issues so wouldn't use the phone so all we could do was write and say we were visiting. Neighbours were helpful but she also had a thing against them. I would also get two or three locals you could contact to do checks or pop in for tea etc. But also you can call on if something happens.

Make sure you have local numbers for gp, hospitals, health/social workers etc

I would also research local homes they could use if necessary, talk to them about favourite items and furniture they may want with them

DO house clearance and start now for things they don't need - close down some of the uneeded rooms, cull books, clothes, bedding, kitchenalia etc.

Check all floor spaces are clear of trip hazards, that all bathrooms function properly up and down - are there downstairs show - walk in? Maybe think about how high furniture is or isn't so they can get in and out easily.

Sort security (and cameras) and also things like get electrics checked like you would for a rental, fire alarms, smoke alarms, carbon monoxide detectors etc

Oh try out some meal services for them as well, worth getting them used to it and means if one parent ends up on their own they have meals in

NeverDropYourMooncup · Yesterday 16:50

Houseplantmad · Yesterday 16:11

Ask your parents, and all of their children, to read Being Mortal. They can then make choices based on their thoughts arising from reading it. It is a good catalyst for a discussion. I think all people of 40+ and those with elderly parents should read it.
'Read this book Dad, it's called You Are Going To Die Soon and Here is a List of Many, Many, Horrible Ways It Will Happen'.

'Ah, no thanks. I'd prefer bumbling along until there's actually a problem, rather than being plunged into an existential crisis because everybody else wants to focus upon how much easier it will be for them if I sign over my independence (and savings) to them before booking a ticket to Switzerland'.

I've read this book, it's very good, thoughtfully and sensitivity written. I wouldn't try to get my parents to read it as although doing well cognitively for their age, they are beyond the point where they could process it. I am about to start to go through (gently) an advance decision with my mum as she has said several times, "I don't want to end up like that."

However it is well worth reading for people like me, it gave me a bit more insight into making the most of the end stages of life and how to talk about difficult topics. It certainly isn't as depicted as in the quote above, no mention of Switzerland or money!

Nobody wants to feel decrepit, think too much about after they're gone, or feel that their kids are pushing them for an inheritance, so you need to be careful.

Similarly, nobody wants to feel obliged to travel hundreds of miles, regularly, and at times of (multiple) crisis, to suuport lived ones who are unfortunately but inevitably declining in terms of capacity, mobility, health and ability. Putting one's head in the sand about declining health and expecting others to make huge sacrifices due to stubbornness is utterly selfish imo.

My mum refused to engage in any discussion about her future - would not look at any documents/leaflets about wills/POA, refused any home modifications etc despite her health obviously declining and starting chemotherapy. After a long period of mulitple calls to me, many many visits to support her in staying at home without any access to her bank accounts etc, she died very suddenly and (despite the seriousness of her illness) unexpectedly, leaving me to pick up al the pieces and deal with everything without a will. I am still left with massive resentment about the additional pressure this put me through instead of being there to give emotional support (rather than the crisis management whilst she was ill) and grieving properly.

I will absolutely be simplifying my affairs, downsizing and getting all my paperwork in order so as not to burden my loved ones when the time comes.

“They don’t have a will” I think this is the place to start a conversation. Having a well drawn up will makes things so much easier for the surviving spouse/ family.

Sorry, that was for @Manthide ! I can’t see where MN has hidden the quote button.

Found it.

You also need to make it clear that under no circumstances will you be dropping everything and driving miles every week to care for them/help them sort things out.

I know but dp have their heads in the sand and just say well it'll go to both of you anyway ( me and my unmarried and with significant health issues brother)! They are also probably above the IHT threshold but wouldn't dream of doing anything to reduce it - as according to them they don't agree with tax dodgers! @viques

quote Manthide 'They don't have a Will or a LPA but they are both good with computers and the Internet etc.'

Both of these (wills and POAs) are essential to a smoothly running future even just re what would happen if one of them died regarding the other. Dying intestate complicates things.
My DM went from being computer literate and organised to unable to understand the concept of money in a very short space of time. You cannot get POA once they have lost capacity. If in England, you can do it yourself using the advice on the website and the registration is quite cheap. You need both types Finances and health/welfare and it is best to do anyone can act alone which is what they advise.
Make this a priority now. A will is probably best done by a solicitor although doesn't have to be in England.

I will certainly try and bring these things to their attention- probably via my df as he's more reasonable than dm who, despite knowing both me and db would never act in such a manner, is convinced we'll rob her or something!! Not quite sure what she thinks will happen but she is full of horror stories.

In that case try to sell it as not who gets what but the complications of each not having a valid will, eg appointing an executor who can help with informing banks, pensions, insurance companies, tax offices etc, even with one of those Tell Them All sites will make it much less stressful on the surviving spouse. If their finances are joint so much the better, but if they aren’t then access to individual accounts is much more complicated when probate needs to be established, funeral expenses paid etc.

Some people just can’t handle it and go into full on denial mode.
My FiL was one, luckily there was a will instigated by my late MiL years previously but he would not engage on any level of sorting things out when it became clear he was terminal, he wouldn’t agree to POA for DH and SiL, wouldn’t even give them authority to speak to utility companies or his bank, wouldn’t speak to the bank where he ‘thought’ they were held to get the deeds to the unregistered house, instead it took me four months of hassle after probate was granted, to track them down.

These are some small, random practical things we found useful with MIL.

The neighbours, the cleaner and the gardener all had our phone number in case they were worried about her in any way. One set of neighbours could see her windows and would check to see whether she'd opened her curtains every morning. They were so kind for so many years.

We had a key safe put on the wall outside, so that someone could access the house if she'd had a fall and was unable to open the door.

She wore an emergency call button thing round her neck in case something happened and she was unable to reach the phone to ring for help.

Unbeknown to her, we and other family members agreed between ourselves that we would make a regular phone call to her at certain times on particular days. BIL for instance, always rang her after Coronation Street midweek. Someone else did Sunday teatime. That sort of thing. Then if anyone noticed anything like she wasn't quite herself or was a bit vague or confused, they would alert us and one of us would go round and check to make sure she was ok.

@Mum5net My Dad is at the high end of capability, but far from unique. I know many people of 80+ who are active in running societies or doing outdoor activities such as caving or climbing. It’s surprising how ages which once seemed “ancient” look very different when you approach them yourself … always assuming you maintain your health, the other end of the spectrum of 80 somethings is very different.

the high end of capability
This essentially is the issue. Some implicitly believe they are at the high end of capability and that they will be the lucky ones who don't need to think of future proofing as they will maintain their health and habits to the end.

DParents and DIn-laws were in this 'untouchables' group.

Have the talk about lasting power of attorney. Makes things a lot easier if it’s already in place. Also get all the important documents in one place.
Get them to discuss Wills etc. Not pleasant but practical. Register with utilities as ‘vulnerable persons’. If they are still driving, check they are still safe to do so.