Parents staying in large & unsuitable house - anything we should do to futureproof?

[movemamamove]

My siblings and I have been trying to persuade my folks to downsize and move somewhere less rural/closer. They've made vaguely positive noises but it's clear they don't actually want to go move so these conversations have just become difficult and frankly pointless.

We won't raise the subject of moving again but they don't seem to acknowledge they are aging and that a big house miles from anyone (including all of us) won't be suitable forever & if they want to stay maybe we should look at doing a few adjustments whilst it's not urgent. Both 80 and until a year ago very fit, well & young for their age but a minor stroke & for Dad and mum needing both a thyroid & hip op has aged them and they are much slower, far less mobile and less social.
Is there any thing practical we could be doing now to save frantic running around if/when one takes seriously ill or dies leaving the other one stranded and along. Anyone else been in this situation who can offer general advice about getting them to talk about aging, death, practicalities?

It’s probably better to find out what community transport is available eg volunteer car drivers, dial a ride bus, local taxis numbers for if they can’t drive for any reason. Can they do an online shop? If not maybe they could learn. Can they Amazon prime?
Do any local shops deliver? We have a large hardware store and a couple of garden centres that deliver for a very small charge or free.
Does the chemist deliver prescriptions?
A rural location is no worse than poorly served suburbs and they probably have quite a few friends and neighbours who will look out for them.

Downstairs toilet and shower, shower with a seat. Install grab rails. Get them familiar with online food shopping.

Have they sorted out inheritance tax planning, power of attorney, wills, etc? Have they allowed their doctors to speak with you re medical issues etc following their stroke? You could ask their local surgery if a nurse or anyone is available to talk to them about advance planning medically - I found it too emotional to go through it all with my parents but presume that the stroke may have brought health planning into sharper focus?
There may be a local good neighbour group that can help with lifts. Or a local agency that sends personal assistants / caters in to check on older people. (Might need to pay).
Local council can help with trackers, fall pendants/help buttons etc.
Moving is a a big deal, if they still have active community networks. Might be better to activate the networks available for older people.
You could try showing them sheltered housing closer to you and see if they’re interested?
Good luck with it all.

Frankly, just identify a room in the ground floor that can be used as a bedroom and ensure there is a small bathroom with a shower downstairs.

But even that must be a waste as you never know what the future holds. I remember mentioning to my ILS to consider age related adjustments when they were setting plans to build their retirement home in a lovely spot, far from everything. My FIL died suddenly in the week the building work started and athough my MIL loved the area, had another already suitable home there, she simply didn’t want to stay there on her own so she sold everything and bought exactly what she wanted for herself near to her children.

Top priority is will and LPA plus them authorising gp to talk to Dc.

Big one is downstairs toilet , and shower room if possible, with a room that could be used as a bedroom if necessary even temporarily eg if using a frame after leg surgery.

Downstairs shower with level access.

Step free thresholds and well fitted carpeting with good insulating and cushioning underlay.

Good heating.

Induction hob.

Level access to outside with seating.

Better security - CCTV that is automatically backed up and has IR for night on each entrance point.

If they're happy with technology as above, a reliable broadband connection and Amazon Echo - makes it possible to verbally call for help even if they do not have phones on them in an emergency.

Downstairs room as bedroom.

Planning the layout so that there are minimal trip hazards and overhangs/outwards pointing corners of things to catch on.

Well lit and obvious house name/number so it can be found easily in the dark.

Thanks some good suggestions including a few easy ones we could get going on straightaway such as online shopping, local transport etc Unfortunately they have never been massively social outside close family and friends so no connections in the local community (& ignored all suggestions to join a local group or consider volunteering).

Take on board the comments about not trying to second guess what they may or may not need so won't rush into building works at this stage - they have a downstairs toilet at least and plenty of rooms that could be adapted to a bedroom. Thankfully they do have pots of cash so can buy in help where needed although we've not managed to have a conversation about their finances & what happens next (as much our fault for not wanting to raise the issue of their mortality I think). They do now have a weekly cleaner and gardener which is a relief as that was definitely getting too much.

I think we need to be bold and get them engaged in a conversation about the future and what plans they have in place, admin etc. I know they have wills, plenty of income via pensions and about a million insurance policies but honestly wouldn't know where to start if they suddenly died/became incapacitated.

Agree with others, you can't force them to move.
Nobody wants to feel decrepit, think too much about after they're gone, or feel that their kids are pushing them for an inheritance, so you need to be careful.

You must really really urge them to sort wills, lasting powers of attorney (medical and financial are separate), and discuss choices about care - eg if they have another and more severe stroke do they really want the medical staff to do 'everything' or prefer to let nature take its course (most doctors would absolutely never choose 'everything', as it's a terrible way to be left, but a lot of families say yes, or say no but feel horrible guilt).

You can also share your concerns that they'll be isolated and that realistically you won't be able to care for them and they'll be reliant on others.
Do they have friends around who could talk to them and you about options available?

It's also really good to help them to through their things while they're well - we did this with my parents, after my aunt died with mountains of confusing storage. We went through all the boxes in the attic, cupboards etc, and it meant there was less for them to tidy daily, less to move when they later downsized and we also know more about what things are important to them and stories about things of sentimental value. They also used that time to tell us about anything they'd particularly want to go to a specific person, or be kept. It was tiring but touching.

This has been really helpful and reminded me that I do actually have some financial information as I remembered my Dad sending a pack of papers to sign - just dug them out and that includes LPOA for both plus details of solicitor who holds their wills so thankfully that part is sorted. As it's been a while since he sent that I will use it as a 'any updates' and try and lightly discuss where they would (all being well) like to be in 5/10 years and future living arrangements.

House 'clearance' is already underway and every time one of us visits we've agreed to take as much as they allow for the charity shops or skip. It's such a mammoth job (36 years of accumulating enough stuff to fill a 6 bedroom house with multiple outbuildings - one cupboard of bedding took 2 car loads!)

Did you sign and return the LPA papers??

You really must have this, for both of them, and for Health and Welfare and for finances.

Having a big house isn't the worst that can happen. It may be that in due course if they both need support a live-in carer is the right approach, and that is possible with a big house. It is expensive but not as expensive as care home places for two, and once you have applied Attendance Allowance for two, (non means tested) and their pension income, and had the Council Tax stopped if they both lack capacity, it can be a good option.

@MarshyMcMarshFace yes thankfully did return them and have copies of our signed counterparts and it includes health and financial LPOA (my dad is very thorough with his paperwork!) .

Live in carer is probably a good shout - they'd hate the idea now as they are quite private people but I'm pretty sure they'd take that over going into a care home or leaving their beloved house!

My parents have just moved from a future proofed home, to a new build that isn't. Arghh! Although they are absolutely living their new town!

Attendance Allowance claim if they need help with day to day stuff. It can help pay for cleaner & gardener. It is a payment for whatever they need to retain their ability to live independently. Yes to online shopping, whether you do it or they do it themselves. If they become vulnerable, inform utilities, specifically UKPN as they have a priority list in case of power cut. Video doorbell for security.

Remove trip/slip hazards, make sure steps are doable etc - an OT assessment is good for this.

Smoke alarms - local fire service can advise. If either of them is diagnosed hard of hearing, you can get a system installed free by the local authority which includes visual/ physical warnings and will include phone and doorbell (Bellman & symfon ).

Keysafe is really useful to give access and if they lock themselves out.

A folder with all their medical info, meds, NHS no, emergency contacts etc which you leave by the front door.

Work out if they can stay upstairs if not mobile - stairlift (not if there is dementia though) or lift. Redo upstairs or create downstairs accessible shower room. Make sure there is enough space for three people to manoeuvre safely or two with one in a wheelchair.

Lots more little things that only become apparent when you are living it.

I know they don't want to leave but my honest advice after going through similar will always be to move before it gets really bad and sadly it probably will. The only regrets I ever heard from anyone at my parents retirement village was that they didn't do it sooner. The relief all round was palpable, a lot of the resistance was simply overwhelm.It meant the last few years were calm and enjoyable and were proper quality time rather than constant worry. If one person is sadly widowed and they are already in an appropriate environment everything just carries on and noone is thrown into crisis re care/ selling houses etc and there is time to reflect and grieve. x

Whilst I wholeheartedly agree with everything, you say, unfortunately they just don't see themselves as old and I'm not ready to accept that time may come sooner than they think and discussions about moving are turning increasingly frosty.

My father has a locked document on his computer which has all his financial information, passwords and accounts on it. It has a very obscure password to open it, which I have (well I have to google it but I know what to google at least).

Agree re. key safes and alarm pendants. You can get them through the same companies. Expensive though.

They got a lift which was worth every penny for the two years my father could use it.

Are they still driving? Are you happy with them doing that?

Agree with the hospital bag packed and ready. If they're phone/ipad/kindle users, I'd get a stash of spare chargers and put one in the bag as my father was always ending up in hospital without the right one. He'd always end up losing/leaving it there too so you need loads of spares.

There's a weird thing that happens the day they hit 80 - almost all of them go down fast and you always feel you're reacting six months late to the situation. People like David Attenborough are outliers.

Oh this was great advice from a friend who does change management for a living. Never pay for anything for them. You say they're wealthy so they're liable for 40% IHT so it makes tax sense (but is not avoidance or evasion), that they pay for themselves and any expenses you occur in visiting them.

So I used to pay for the Amazon bits and pieces, the train fares to see them, the food I'd bring. Now I keep accounts and 'bill' it. It felt awkward at first but you wouldn't feel bad about billing work for expenses.

(PS not trying to avoid tax, I believe in IHT but it might as well be on what they're leaving rather than on what I'm currently earning).

I'd sort a downstairs bathroom earlier rather than later.
My Dad drew up plans, but Mum didn't want the disruption.
Now they really wouldn't cope with the disruption.

My DB installed something on their computer that lets him remotely access it. That has helped a lot at times.

Start getting a weekly housekeeping service in so they get used to people coming to help they could do washing change beds tidy up etc put away a weekly online shop.if timed right
Then wont be a big leap to carers

A rural location is no worse than poorly served suburbs I hadn’t thought of it like that, but there’s a lot of truth in that. Except the suburbs will have better taxi services

If they are able to do eg their own shopping in person then don't discourage them from doing this - people get older when they stop doing things. Presumably they can go at off-peak times and aren't in a massive rush. Good idea to get them comfortable with doing things online including zoom calling and online shopping if not already doing so, but don't remove the need /incentive for them to get out and about.

Ditto stuff in the house - unless it's dangerous for them to be going upstairs let them continue to do so, you'll just know there is a contingency plan in place.

Social activity and creativity are really important. And agree with investigating other transport options.

A bidet or toilet seat with water jet.

A Stairlift may be a cheaper option than downstairs bathroom, if there isn’t one already.
Power of Attorney is CRUCIAL. Getting attorneyship after they lose capacity can take years. It can be done online on Gov.uk

Be one step ahead with deterioration on all fronts. You have great suggestions already…

Encourage all bills to be on direct debit so if prolonged hospital stay, bills paid without fuss.
Have the phone number of their neighbour ‘just in case’
Have numbers for emergency trades - roof repair/ flood etc and details of their insurance log ins if there are winter storms and they can’t cope
Consider Ring doorbell if they plagued with lots of doorstep callers
Get extra keys cut
A small ££ ‘float’. POA ceases when one dies. It’s entirely possible they will have joint accounts and the survivor will still have access to funds but holding safely some of their cash on their behalf proved very useful for us.
Have ‘hospital holdalls stashed if either has to go into hospital in a hurry with Pjs, toiletries and chargers
Discuss their funeral wishes if at all possible