Cockroach cafe 🪳 Summer 2023 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in sweet peas, and raspberries from the garden to go with the scones and clotted cream.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

NHS records appear to be quite mad, I'm having that issue with my surgery too.

So I've had the phone on Do not disturb and there's an outgoing voicemail saying I'm not well

This morning the care home called. To be fair, they didn't leave a message, presumably because of my outgoing voicemail.

I rang back and they just wanted to let me know that she'd got off to her hospital appointment all right. That's kind in a way, but clearly the message doesn't get through about not being disturbed? And the lady I spoke to said she'd ring when mum is safely back.

I'm going to have to find a way to tolerate all sorts of calls aren't I.

Any ginger nuts in the bad daughters biscuit tin? Someone brought a packet in after the last Big Clean. There may be one or two left under the custard creams and chocolate hobnobs.

@BestIsWest You need an unspecified “voluntary job”, preferably something that requires a lot of organising/report writing on an unpredictable basis and isn’t confined to a morning a week at the Oxfam shop. I’m cashing in on a residual 1920s mindset and say “need to go and get tea” - it doesn’t occur to him that DH will do it if I don’t.

she doesn't accept she needs a hearing aid Since I’ve started to lose my hearing, I’ve come to understand this. The usual way is to lose the high frequencies first. I have “moderate” hearing loss in both ears for the high frequencies, but my hearing is normal for low frequencies. So my hearing seems fine to me, its just that people mumble - because I can’t hear all the consonants. If I want to know whether I’m wearing my aids, I have to see if I can put my fingers in my ears or if the aids are in the way.

I know about my loss because a came across an on-line hearing test, and because I’m a sucker for tests, I tried it. If I hadn't, I’d still convinced I had excellent hearing.

Mum has now sacked 2 gardeners after declaring that they don't know what they are doing !!! She might be right Most gardeners seem to be young men who enjoy power tools.

Someone (can’t find the quote) said she only rings when there’s a problem That’s understandable, one doesn’t want to bother ones DC, even when desperately wanting a chat, but a “problem” gives an excuse to make that call.

@Juneday My FiL asks me the same one question everytime I go to visit. Sometimes now twice in the same visit. Every time I give him exactly the same answer, then he makes the same joke about the foreign country that dc is living in He has no recollection that I've given him the same answer the day before, or the day before that. I like to imagine there might be some kind of rerassuring familiarity in the rhythm of the words - a bit like reading a small child their favourite story book? And I find it much easier to be a little bit detached because it's Fil, it felt much harder when it was my own Mum doing the same.

I was on a different mn thread recently about the plight of getting old. So many people were saying that when they got to 'that age' (whatever that might be) or if they were frail or losing capacity, that they'd just pop off to dignitas, or wold have a living will that specified DNR, no iv antibotics etc. But it's not that simple, is it? MIL is so sad. Cries whenever we see her, doesn't want to be here, and has not a shred of joy in her life. She describes her existence as 'hellish'. She is barely eating (we think it is an active choice) but the care home have a responsibility to encourge her and to give her nutritional drinks.

@venusandmars they don't actually - they have a responsibility to carry out her wishes. We managed to get nutrition drinks crossed off Mum's prescriptions because she never touched them. It was purely for their own benefit that they kept giving them to her because it made THEM feel as if they were doing something. Such a waste, and to that generation I think food waste is almost physically painful so they are adding to her stress.

@venusandmars was just having that chat with a friend, what will we want etc and how will we cope! We do have DNR for MiL which was a family discussion prompted by Drs. I feel for care home and nursing homes, if they don’t offer all they can to maintain life they will be worried they aren’t doing their job, but MiL often asks for a gun. 🙁

I tell myself that we will have Care robots 😁 and can programme them according to our wishes, but how far those wishes go will be interesting and part of on going ethical discussions with AI. I know what my mother would want when she gets to a certain stage, but it is illegal. She saw her sister fade to nothing in a home, she was paranoid at that time telling my mother the nurses had axes and poisoned her tea😮🤔. She died in the night aged 92 and her death certificate said ‘old age’. As far as I know she was not in pain, but she hadn’t read a book, watched tv, played bridge etc for 2 years which were all her favourite things. She self funded, likely over £100,000 in fees - which she would have been furious about - so luckily she wasn’t aware. A familiar story I am certain.

Made me laugh about gardeners 😁 my neighbours pay a fortune for a large van with two or three men with leaf blowers to blow leaves around once a fortnight. For weeks they left a feature bed full of weeds because they thought they were perennials. 🤔. I am
certain they don’t have any gardening knowledge. We had better luck for MiL as teenage boy next door was keen to get holiday money and did a fab job of the very small garden. She used to get a gardener through Help the Aged, he was OK and happy to do just 2 hours here and there.

My mother's gardener was used to working under direction. He was good on hedges and lawns but did pruning under supervision until he was deemed to be proficient. Plant butchery was not allowed.

I'll have my care robot now, it can learn all about me whilst cleaning the bathroom and dusting.

Mine has sacked the window cleaner because he put the price up to £12. For 10 windows, 2 doors and a big bay! She’s going to do it herself apparently.

Wow, £12?! Our neighbours are paying about £40 for about the same number - and the window cleaner is so busy he can't fit us in!

@BestIsWest that's the sort of thing my mum would do and then she paid a real rip off price for the garden work. I told a friend who does garden work and he was horrified at the £4000 she paid. His estimate from my description was £1000-£1200 and he doesn't charge stupidly low rates.
I still feel embarrassed at her loudly proclaiming that £40 was a horrendous price for a dress to wear to her grandson's wedding.

Gardeners where I live want to put down hardlandscaping and artificial grass!

@Juneday In my 'end of life' plans are an express wish to die outside - even if it's the middle of the night and raining. My preference would be to ask my 'carebot' to wheel my bed into the garden on a sunny day - somewhere surrounded by scented flowers - sweet peas, lillies, night scented stock (in case it takes a while), the sound of birdsong and bees (if there are any left by then); a bottle of my favourite wine and some carefully secreted sleeping tablets. But I know that idyl doesn't exist. And apologies if this is upsetting to anyone.

@PermanentTemporary that is interesting about MIL's being paramount - and althugh she has slight dementia, she is fully competent - just don't ask which day of the week it is. The challenge is that dh and his siblings are not quite on the same page and the one who has most interaction with the care home staff has not really encountered death and dying and would presseerve their Mum's life at all costs. It was a challenge to get the DNR.

What does your aged relative do to occupy their time?

I'm chuckling at the description of gardeners as young men with power tools, because that is a perfect description of DM's gardeners! To be fair, all we wanted for them to do was a regular visit to cut the grass and tackle the weeds, and they are doing a cracking job of that. They come every couple of weeks and charge £25, and are there about 45 minutes. My parents used to be keen gardeners and plant loads of annuals so it's less flowery than it used to be, but I'll take tidy any day.

It makes such a big difference to the look of the house. DB has also recently tackled some peeling paintwork at the front, so overall it's no longer looking neglected and the residence of someone vulnerable. Makes a big difference I think.

Mum would spend just about every daylight hour in the garden, after gardening she'd watch tv. If raining she'd "tidy" which would mean I had to go through the dustbin the next day recovering chargers, medication, letters from the hospital and anything else she hadn't recognised. She'd lost the ability to follow a book, even if it was one she'd read before.

Under normal circumstances, mum is a big reader. She also watched lectures etc on Youtube, and poetry readings.

that's stopped apart from the poetry readings. I can't get her interested in anything really, she likes to limit her TV as well as I think it's too much for her.

this was prior to the stroke in November.

She has an 88 year old neighbour who loves puzzles, I honestly think she might have a 5000 piece one!

Knot I don't know how you coped with that. I might need to work on resilience or something?

@venusandmars i love your dream plan and it shouldn’t be taboo - my ‘baby sister has all sorts of instructions written down for funeral etc. @Knotaknitter i think that inability to follow a book anymore is really sad - I used to send my aunt books and magazines after I had read them and my MiL loved a good murder mystery. She asked me to order a new batch this year, they are in pristine condition in a drawer. She didn’t throw anything out, every card, Every letter, every accompanying envelope, 25 years of TV licences. 😁. Some interesting or rather sweet things, others not, gas bills for the house she left 14 years ago. 🤔.

@EmmaEmerald interesting about poetry. My FIL can not longer read or follow a story but I wonder about poetry that he might remember from his past. I'll try that - and it's good to have something new to work on.

My mum can't hold a conversation but she can recite a poem she learned in school over 70 years ago. Also she sings beautifully. She comes alive when they bring out the karaoke machine.

Lie in bed and watch old films on tv. It’s on 24 hours a day whether she’s awake or asleep.

She used to take great pleasure in classical music and reading, gardening, playing bridge and walking. It’s such a shame how much her world has shrunk. Reading went when her eyesight started failing. I’m not sure when music went, a while now. I think it’s linked to her not being able to use the cd player or tv properly. I took a radio in when she was in hospital and she really enjoyed classic fm, but she’s not shown any interest at home when I’ve offered to put it on.

The care home had the ambulance out to Mum at the weekend as she had some kind of seizure. My Dad called me and he thought she had died. I got there and she had come round but was more confused than normal. We declined going to a & e for brain scan as it would only cause her stress. Ambulance crew said we have to make it clear we don't want her to go to hospital and would rather she stays in the home where she is comfortable.
She's had the Alzheimer's diagnosis for 4 years now and as many of you know things don't get any easier. My Mum wouldn't do the gardening in a dirty top and now it's a struggle to get her showered and to change her clothes.

I'm feeling particularly sad today.
I was with my mum yesterday. She's waiting for a cataract op. She actually got to the front of the waiting list & we went to the hospital all prepared. Only it was a private hospital being used by the NHS and they decided they couldn't deal with an elderly lady with a pacemaker and referred her back to the NHS - and this was after a preop visit. To say I was flipping fuming is an understatement......

Anyway, I digress. I was with my mum who now can't see to do her hobbies - reading and crochet/knitting, is extremely immobile and can't even walk in the garden without losing her balance. She seems to have lost the ability to put a CD in her CD player so even talking books are no good. I know she's bored and depressed because she sees herself losing so much of her capabilities, and it makes me sad because I see that too.

I see so many of us on here writing about our "olds" who lose so much.

We have RESPECT plans in place for both mum and dad at the care home. This should ensure they aren't taken to hospital except in certain specific circumstances, but will be kept comfortable in the home.

@TucSandwich thanks for mentioning this. I need to check with the home about this as we did discuss this with them previously.
The ambulance crew called the out of hrs dr and he suggested going to hospital. The ambulance crew seemed to agree with me and Dad that this is not in her best interest.

Singing is great, takes the mind on another path and great stress relief (and yes I am in a choir). Some may recall that story on BBC about music teacher who wrote music for school musicals, suffering with dementia but able to play every song he wrote at the piano. My uncle wrote the lyrics for all
the songs and they released a new one with Aled Jones to raise funds for dementia.

They worked together for several years and I went to their musicals. I found MiL piano grade certificate - maybe I should dig out our electric keyboard🤔

This is so very sad 😔 Can appreciate that there is a higher risk but so unfair that she can no longer do the things she loves. You'd expect to have to sign a disclaimer. It's ageism really. Really sorry for you both.