At my wits end. Difficult elderly mother in denial flaring up any time something is called out

[Frazzledmummy123]

I have posted a few times on here before but things are really gathering pace now and I am really starting to get to the end of my rope.

Brief recap, parents, both in 80s, living in own home, but extremely inaccessible, nowhere near amenities. DM is 'the boss' and my dad's carer, DF has failing mobility but won't use walking aids, and DF has been having regular confusions and red flags for start of potential dementia. Nothing is being faced up to.

In recent weeks, any time I have mentioned something about my dad's confusions, DM has flared up and started getting massively defensive and argumentative. DM is also narcissistic and as a result, I am low contact with her. A silent treatment usually follows, so dealing with her denial about my dad is doubly challenging. She moans constantly and plays the martyr, but explodes if anything is said.

This morning again, she flared up all because she was moaning about having visitors over while getting work done (her own choice) and dreading it. I suggested she rearrange date and she went off on one shouting she needs 'adult company', voice shaking, everything (obv something going in with my dad). Then I get told I overreacted and took her the wrong way, etc, she wants my aunt to visit, etc. It was a huge overreaction, and also told me all I need to know about how things are behind closed doors.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

@DevantMaJardin

She's scared of losing her DH. Have some empathy instead of throwing around the armchair diagnosis of "narcissist".

What a wonderful response! Someone clearly at the end of her tether comes on to seek advice and they get hit with this.

You have my sympathies OP. It’s so shit having to deal with this when your relationship isn’t the mother/daughter utopia that some seem to believe exists for everyone.

[Nixer]

Mostly very wise answers above. She likely can see her own and your father's limitations but is afraid of loss of independence/control or possibly in denial.

I wrote to mum's GP outlining my concerns and they got social services involved. It didn't help much initially as mum was adept at bullshitting officialdom for about 45 minutes despite having moderate dementia. But a couple of crises happened and eventually others could see what I had been saying, they finally decided she didn't have capacity and she was forced to accept more help and ended up in a home. My mum was abusive and is almost certainly a narcissist as well so I do understand. Protect yourself, withdraw completely if you need to and tell social services etc that you cannot continue to support them.

Is your mum interfering at all with care of your dad? What I mean is, does he need care/medical help and she's blocking it? Because if so that's a major safeguarding concern and if that's reported to social services or GP they should take it seriously.

[shellyleppard]

I don't think social services will help unless your parents ask for it themselves??? You have my utmost sympathy. Its a very difficult situation to be in. I would talk to their gp and see what they advise. Yes your mum is probably scared but..... lashing out verbally at you is so nasty. Good luck 🍀❤️🙏