At my wits end. Difficult elderly mother in denial flaring up any time something is called out

[Frazzledmummy123]

I have posted a few times on here before but things are really gathering pace now and I am really starting to get to the end of my rope.

Brief recap, parents, both in 80s, living in own home, but extremely inaccessible, nowhere near amenities. DM is 'the boss' and my dad's carer, DF has failing mobility but won't use walking aids, and DF has been having regular confusions and red flags for start of potential dementia. Nothing is being faced up to.

In recent weeks, any time I have mentioned something about my dad's confusions, DM has flared up and started getting massively defensive and argumentative. DM is also narcissistic and as a result, I am low contact with her. A silent treatment usually follows, so dealing with her denial about my dad is doubly challenging. She moans constantly and plays the martyr, but explodes if anything is said.

This morning again, she flared up all because she was moaning about having visitors over while getting work done (her own choice) and dreading it. I suggested she rearrange date and she went off on one shouting she needs 'adult company', voice shaking, everything (obv something going in with my dad). Then I get told I overreacted and took her the wrong way, etc, she wants my aunt to visit, etc. It was a huge overreaction, and also told me all I need to know about how things are behind closed doors.

[feelinglikeanewparent]

It sounds like she's struggling to cope but doesn't want to say

[Frazzledmummy123]

@feelinglikeanewparent

It sounds like she's struggling to cope but doesn't want to say

True. However, how is anything going to be solved by living in denial and lashing out at anyone who shows they are seeing it.

[DevantMaJardin]

She's scared of losing her DH. Have some empathy instead of throwing around the armchair diagnosis of "narcissist".

[picklemewalnuts]

It sounds as though this is the latest act in a long series of issues.

Mine is similar, but we've lost dad already. She was manageable while he was alive and is very difficult now. At one stage I was determined to go NC as soon as dad died.

It's very hard being subjected to tirades, snapped at, and treated like an idiot because they are struggling.

It's hard to help, and impossible not to try.

[picklemewalnuts]

@DevantMaJardin

She's scared of losing her DH. Have some empathy instead of throwing around the armchair diagnosis of "narcissist".

Have some empathy for an OP who is struggling to help someone who's clearly been difficult for a long time.

[Badger1970]

It's really hard for elderly people to accept that they're not managing. So up goes the defence barrier and the insistence that they're coping. I would contact their GP and put everything in writing; and I would start a gentle conversation with your parents that you're worried sick about them and denial isn't helping any of you least of all them.

My Nan was the 1st person I cared for, and learned a lot of lessons the hard way. So when my Dad fell ill last year, we started the way we meant to go on and started off with an OT referral, then getting a cleaner in... and by the time he needed physical care, he was a lot more accepting of it.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@DevantMaJardin

She's scared of losing her DH. Have some empathy instead of throwing around the armchair diagnosis of "narcissist".

Clearly you have never been the victim of a narcissist. Why don't you live life in my shoes, believe me, this is not an 'armchair diagnosis'.

[pizzaHeart]

Is there anyone closer to your Mum in age whom she might listen e.g your aunt or anyone else?
Are you visiting or calling? I think some things are more difficult to manage over phone, you need to visit and to step in practically.
My mum was the same , over phone she pretended Dad was not so bad, I suspected that she was scared of consequences, wasn’t sure how to deal with this. Then my sister came to visit, saw that reality was much worse, started arranging things. Mum was still a bit in denial but she took back seat and allowed someone else to make decisions.

[Cherrybl0ssm]

Unfortunately you may have to let the crisis come. It’s hard to watch but on the other hand so is dealing with anger and aggressive behavior.
Dont make suggestions. Vague mmming sympathy like noises with complaints. Yes they must be hard. I’m sorry you feel like that etc. Give yourself a set time you will spend at the house and stick to it.
The other option is to be crystal clear about they behavior you will not accept. And consequences. But that could be a waste of time.
Is Power of Attorney arranged?

[Frazzledmummy123]

@picklemewalnuts

Have some empathy for an OP who is struggling to help someone who's clearly been difficult for a long time.

Thank you 💐. Dealing with my mum's behaviour is a real struggle enough and I wish people with zero experience of narcissism would stop judging.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@picklemewalnuts

It sounds as though this is the latest act in a long series of issues.

Mine is similar, but we've lost dad already. She was manageable while he was alive and is very difficult now. At one stage I was determined to go NC as soon as dad died.

It's very hard being subjected to tirades, snapped at, and treated like an idiot because they are struggling.

It's hard to help, and impossible not to try.

Sorry to hear you lost your dad 💐.

I agree with everything you said, and yes it is the latest in a run of events. She did sinular on Mother's Day morning, she lashed out at me calling my menory awful and saying at least my dad at his age has an excuse for being forgetful when I mentioned his confusions. Any time it is mentioned that I have noticed, she flares up and gets defensive and almost aggressive.

[Viviennemary]

It is hard that your mother is so difficult She is probably terrified of the future and how she will cope. It's not unusual for elderly people to refuse outisde help even if they need it. You could contact Age UK to see if they have any suggestions. They will have a lot of experience of this type of situation.

[Coastalvenues]

@Frazzledmummy123

Thank you 💐. Dealing with my mum's behaviour is a real struggle enough and I wish people with zero experience of narcissism would stop judging.

Totally with you OP, it's so so hard and people saying stupid things really doesn't help. You'll get someone saying 'you'll miss them when they're gone' in a minute 😤 hugs xx

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Badger1970

It's really hard for elderly people to accept that they're not managing. So up goes the defence barrier and the insistence that they're coping. I would contact their GP and put everything in writing; and I would start a gentle conversation with your parents that you're worried sick about them and denial isn't helping any of you least of all them.

My Nan was the 1st person I cared for, and learned a lot of lessons the hard way. So when my Dad fell ill last year, we started the way we meant to go on and started off with an OT referral, then getting a cleaner in... and by the time he needed physical care, he was a lot more accepting of it.

I have been thinking about contacting their gp for a while now. I guess I am just worried at what will happen given their extreme reluctance to do anything about their situation.

One time my dad was struggling to walk in a shopping centre and a shopping centre attendant offered him an on site mobility scooter, which of course was refused. My mum went on for ages, "imagine dad being offered that". I don't know why she can't see what everyone else does. That is an example of how strongly they resist help.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@pizzaHeart

Is there anyone closer to your Mum in age whom she might listen e.g your aunt or anyone else?
Are you visiting or calling? I think some things are more difficult to manage over phone, you need to visit and to step in practically.
My mum was the same , over phone she pretended Dad was not so bad, I suspected that she was scared of consequences, wasn’t sure how to deal with this. Then my sister came to visit, saw that reality was much worse, started arranging things. Mum was still a bit in denial but she took back seat and allowed someone else to make decisions.

My mum has sisters she is close to, however while they express plenty of concern, they don't do anything to help. I have tried talking to them and asking for support (which of course they don't habe to give), but they back off and tend to only convey concern behind closed doors. I think they might be aware of how it'll be received...

I visit and call. I genuinely don't know what to do. Any time it is addressed, she flares up. Someone mentioned crisis point, I fear it may need to get to crisis point before anything is done.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Cherrybl0ssm

Unfortunately you may have to let the crisis come. It’s hard to watch but on the other hand so is dealing with anger and aggressive behavior.
Dont make suggestions. Vague mmming sympathy like noises with complaints. Yes they must be hard. I’m sorry you feel like that etc. Give yourself a set time you will spend at the house and stick to it.
The other option is to be crystal clear about they behavior you will not accept. And consequences. But that could be a waste of time.
Is Power of Attorney arranged?

Sadly, I agree that I have to let the crisis come. Obviously I don't want a crisis, but I think.it has to happen before things get done. My mum isn't an easy person to deal with, never has been, so this is just how I'd expect things to be when things get really tough.

I don't think power of attorney has been arranged.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Viviennemary

It is hard that your mother is so difficult She is probably terrified of the future and how she will cope. It's not unusual for elderly people to refuse outisde help even if they need it. You could contact Age UK to see if they have any suggestions. They will have a lot of experience of this type of situation.

Thanks. I am going to give Age UK a call tomorrow for advice as I badly need it.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Coastalvenues

Totally with you OP, it's so so hard and people saying stupid things really doesn't help. You'll get someone saying 'you'll miss them when they're gone' in a minute 😤 hugs xx

Thank you so much 💐. Yes I don't doubt I'll get someone soon on here telling me how I'll miss them when they are gone. Some people have no idea what it is like dealing with a difficult parent.

[Theoldwrinkley]

Poor you.. I think you are right, unfortunately about some crisis point having to be reached before any thing active will be done. And of course in a 'crisis' situation there is lack if choice generally. We have had problem with our neighbour who fractured hip and has had care for 6 weeks. On 6 weeks + 1 day she apparently had been 'abandoned' despite efforts by her family to get her to see she needs help. Only way to make her realise that she needs help was to withdraw all support. After 2 weeks of 4-times a day calls to a variety of neighbours care has been arranged. It takes a hard heart but it's the only way sometimes.
Apologies for long post.

[pizzaHeart]

@Frazzledmummy123

My mum has sisters she is close to, however while they express plenty of concern, they don't do anything to help. I have tried talking to them and asking for support (which of course they don't habe to give), but they back off and tend to only convey concern behind closed doors. I think they might be aware of how it'll be received...

I visit and call. I genuinely don't know what to do. Any time it is addressed, she flares up. Someone mentioned crisis point, I fear it may need to get to crisis point before anything is done.

I was thinking about moral support rather then practical e.g my mum wouldn’t make appointment for Dad on my or my DSis advice but would do this if her cousin advised.

Aldo my mum clearly resented our concern about Dad. So at the end we only talked about Dad’s health from the angle : how difficult it was for her, how she needed help because it’s too much for her, and that we only we’re raising the issue as we were worried about her. It worked better. She never took well the idea that we were worried about Dad.

[HeddaGarbled]

I just ignore all the dramatics and stick to the point in hand:

Parent in denial: waah, waah, waah

Me: the social worker’s coming on Wednesday to do the care assessment

[HeddaGarbled]

Then at social worker visit:

Parent in denial: bare-faced lies
Me: truth

[Badger1970]

My Dad's GP was really helpful when I contacted them via email to discuss his health concerns (and I think it's very common for concerned relatives to do so). They were unable to discuss with me (understandably) but they rang Dad and got him in for a health check and things moved very quickly on once they discovered how poorly he was.

There is also the issue that she could be obstructing your Dad's care with her behaviour, so I really would flag this to the GP.

[picklemewalnuts]

I flagged concern for both parents in the past. They called mum in, but she was able to smooth everything over. Basically she's quite manipulative, and it's only prolonged exposure that shows how bad things are.

The hospice where dad ended up understood. They were amazing. They saw right through her, but supported them both anyway.

I'm a bit raw, she told me today that I was unsupportive, no empathy, blah blah blah, everyone else has family that rally round etc etc.

When I reminded her that I gave up a part time job and went down for a week each month when dad was ill, she denied it. Has no memory of it.

[ferneytorro]

@picklemewalnuts

Have some empathy for an OP who is struggling to help someone who's clearly been difficult for a long time.

Well said. Op she sees you as an extension of herself and someone that she can just rant and rave to without consequences (often because there have never been any as hard to fight back either through fear or conditioning).

Ideal thing is to make it so you aren't affected/don't care and just nod and smile - not nice to have to do and not easy but it does help a lot. Observe her like some kind of social experiment.