At my wits end. Difficult elderly mother in denial flaring up any time something is called out

[Frazzledmummy123]

I have posted a few times on here before but things are really gathering pace now and I am really starting to get to the end of my rope.

Brief recap, parents, both in 80s, living in own home, but extremely inaccessible, nowhere near amenities. DM is 'the boss' and my dad's carer, DF has failing mobility but won't use walking aids, and DF has been having regular confusions and red flags for start of potential dementia. Nothing is being faced up to.

In recent weeks, any time I have mentioned something about my dad's confusions, DM has flared up and started getting massively defensive and argumentative. DM is also narcissistic and as a result, I am low contact with her. A silent treatment usually follows, so dealing with her denial about my dad is doubly challenging. She moans constantly and plays the martyr, but explodes if anything is said.

This morning again, she flared up all because she was moaning about having visitors over while getting work done (her own choice) and dreading it. I suggested she rearrange date and she went off on one shouting she needs 'adult company', voice shaking, everything (obv something going in with my dad). Then I get told I overreacted and took her the wrong way, etc, she wants my aunt to visit, etc. It was a huge overreaction, and also told me all I need to know about how things are behind closed doors.

[DobbyTheHouseElk]

Definitely gets the POA. I got health and financial two separate POAs. I understand exactly what you are going through.
I would call the GP. I wish I had. It’s too late now.

[Healingfrommothernarc]

My mum is a narcissist @DevantMaJardin , it's been a problem of verbal and sometimes physical abuse all my life, as well as other family members.

It's so hard as I still care regardless, I get it. It is so hard

I've has to let the crisis come many a time recently and set boundaries. Its so challenging. You'll get there. Reach out if need help x

[Dearg]

I am in Scotland so things may be different. When MIL was at her most difficult and SIL was in denial, I was able to complete and online referral for an OT visit on MILs behalf, and I called SS to report her as vulnerable.

In our case, MIL was admitted to hospital before those assessments, so the hospital team took over. MIL

GP service refused to act on DH or SIL requests, maintaining that MIL herself needed to ask for help. SS disagreed with that and were happy to take the referrals.

I do agree with pp, your DM may not admit she is struggling, but In our case the hospital assessment team asked DH for his observations.

[HoraceGoesBonkers]

I went through phases of my parents being very difficult about accepting help with my DF's failing health, and I suspect we'll have another round of this in the near future with my DM beginning to lose mobility.

However - and I realise this isn't the case for everyone, at all - in my family's I found that although they resisted getting home carers and then a care home and dragged everything out, once they were actually in place my DM greatly enjoyed having staff she could show off to.

It's easier said than done but if you can, get them to get adaptations done in the house if they need it. One of the most frustrating episodes we had was when my DM made an enormous deal out of not wanting to lose some of her garden space to a ramp for DF and ignored any suggestion of an alternative layout or that it needed to be sorted out urgently. The inevitable bad fall (it turned out there had been minor ones) led to a chain reaction of exploding shitbombs; not worth a flower bed over.

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

If you possibly can, OP, please get both Powers of Attorney set up asap. I dare say your mother will kick off, so I’d tell her in very plain English that if anything happened where she was unable to make her wishes known (e.g. a stroke) and there was no P of A, then social services/the Court of Protection would take over - decisions would officially be out of your hands.

Who would she prefer - SS/Court of Protection, or you, and maybe another member of the family - jointly and severally?

[Bex812]

I am new to this network but have similar experience with my mum and my disabled stepfather.
My mother has always been a very hostile and angry person even when i was a kid, I read about narcissistic personality and yeah maybe that is the case or she has just been depressed and not dealt with it, i have tried all sorts of communication with her trying to explain why she shouldn't say certain things as things can be taken literally nowadays
(we had social services involved as she said she was going to 'clump my stepfather around the earhole, to the ambulance crew, next time he fell over)
My point of my comment is, i actually found that instead of telling my mum about what she is doing wrong, Instead I pretended to agree with her, but tried to explain the flip side of the situation. I found if i agreed and she felt i wasn't on the opposing side she opened up a bit more.

[shellyleppard]

I don't think social services will help unless your parents ask for it themselves??? You have my utmost sympathy. Its a very difficult situation to be in. I would talk to their gp and see what they advise. Yes your mum is probably scared but..... lashing out verbally at you is so nasty. Good luck 🍀❤️🙏

[Nixer]

Mostly very wise answers above. She likely can see her own and your father's limitations but is afraid of loss of independence/control or possibly in denial.

I wrote to mum's GP outlining my concerns and they got social services involved. It didn't help much initially as mum was adept at bullshitting officialdom for about 45 minutes despite having moderate dementia. But a couple of crises happened and eventually others could see what I had been saying, they finally decided she didn't have capacity and she was forced to accept more help and ended up in a home. My mum was abusive and is almost certainly a narcissist as well so I do understand. Protect yourself, withdraw completely if you need to and tell social services etc that you cannot continue to support them.

Is your mum interfering at all with care of your dad? What I mean is, does he need care/medical help and she's blocking it? Because if so that's a major safeguarding concern and if that's reported to social services or GP they should take it seriously.

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

@DevantMaJardin

She's scared of losing her DH. Have some empathy instead of throwing around the armchair diagnosis of "narcissist".

What a wonderful response! Someone clearly at the end of her tether comes on to seek advice and they get hit with this.

You have my sympathies OP. It’s so shit having to deal with this when your relationship isn’t the mother/daughter utopia that some seem to believe exists for everyone.

[ferneytorro]

@picklemewalnuts

Have some empathy for an OP who is struggling to help someone who's clearly been difficult for a long time.

Well said. Op she sees you as an extension of herself and someone that she can just rant and rave to without consequences (often because there have never been any as hard to fight back either through fear or conditioning).

Ideal thing is to make it so you aren't affected/don't care and just nod and smile - not nice to have to do and not easy but it does help a lot. Observe her like some kind of social experiment.

[picklemewalnuts]

I flagged concern for both parents in the past. They called mum in, but she was able to smooth everything over. Basically she's quite manipulative, and it's only prolonged exposure that shows how bad things are.

The hospice where dad ended up understood. They were amazing. They saw right through her, but supported them both anyway.

I'm a bit raw, she told me today that I was unsupportive, no empathy, blah blah blah, everyone else has family that rally round etc etc.

When I reminded her that I gave up a part time job and went down for a week each month when dad was ill, she denied it. Has no memory of it.

[Badger1970]

My Dad's GP was really helpful when I contacted them via email to discuss his health concerns (and I think it's very common for concerned relatives to do so). They were unable to discuss with me (understandably) but they rang Dad and got him in for a health check and things moved very quickly on once they discovered how poorly he was.

There is also the issue that she could be obstructing your Dad's care with her behaviour, so I really would flag this to the GP.

[HeddaGarbled]

Then at social worker visit:

Parent in denial: bare-faced lies
Me: truth

[HeddaGarbled]

I just ignore all the dramatics and stick to the point in hand:

Parent in denial: waah, waah, waah

Me: the social worker’s coming on Wednesday to do the care assessment

[pizzaHeart]

@Frazzledmummy123

My mum has sisters she is close to, however while they express plenty of concern, they don't do anything to help. I have tried talking to them and asking for support (which of course they don't habe to give), but they back off and tend to only convey concern behind closed doors. I think they might be aware of how it'll be received...

I visit and call. I genuinely don't know what to do. Any time it is addressed, she flares up. Someone mentioned crisis point, I fear it may need to get to crisis point before anything is done.

I was thinking about moral support rather then practical e.g my mum wouldn’t make appointment for Dad on my or my DSis advice but would do this if her cousin advised.

Aldo my mum clearly resented our concern about Dad. So at the end we only talked about Dad’s health from the angle : how difficult it was for her, how she needed help because it’s too much for her, and that we only we’re raising the issue as we were worried about her. It worked better. She never took well the idea that we were worried about Dad.

[Theoldwrinkley]

Poor you.. I think you are right, unfortunately about some crisis point having to be reached before any thing active will be done. And of course in a 'crisis' situation there is lack if choice generally. We have had problem with our neighbour who fractured hip and has had care for 6 weeks. On 6 weeks + 1 day she apparently had been 'abandoned' despite efforts by her family to get her to see she needs help. Only way to make her realise that she needs help was to withdraw all support. After 2 weeks of 4-times a day calls to a variety of neighbours care has been arranged. It takes a hard heart but it's the only way sometimes.
Apologies for long post.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Coastalvenues

Totally with you OP, it's so so hard and people saying stupid things really doesn't help. You'll get someone saying 'you'll miss them when they're gone' in a minute 😤 hugs xx

Thank you so much 💐. Yes I don't doubt I'll get someone soon on here telling me how I'll miss them when they are gone. Some people have no idea what it is like dealing with a difficult parent.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Viviennemary

It is hard that your mother is so difficult She is probably terrified of the future and how she will cope. It's not unusual for elderly people to refuse outisde help even if they need it. You could contact Age UK to see if they have any suggestions. They will have a lot of experience of this type of situation.

Thanks. I am going to give Age UK a call tomorrow for advice as I badly need it.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Cherrybl0ssm

Unfortunately you may have to let the crisis come. It’s hard to watch but on the other hand so is dealing with anger and aggressive behavior.
Dont make suggestions. Vague mmming sympathy like noises with complaints. Yes they must be hard. I’m sorry you feel like that etc. Give yourself a set time you will spend at the house and stick to it.
The other option is to be crystal clear about they behavior you will not accept. And consequences. But that could be a waste of time.
Is Power of Attorney arranged?

Sadly, I agree that I have to let the crisis come. Obviously I don't want a crisis, but I think.it has to happen before things get done. My mum isn't an easy person to deal with, never has been, so this is just how I'd expect things to be when things get really tough.

I don't think power of attorney has been arranged.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@pizzaHeart

Is there anyone closer to your Mum in age whom she might listen e.g your aunt or anyone else?
Are you visiting or calling? I think some things are more difficult to manage over phone, you need to visit and to step in practically.
My mum was the same , over phone she pretended Dad was not so bad, I suspected that she was scared of consequences, wasn’t sure how to deal with this. Then my sister came to visit, saw that reality was much worse, started arranging things. Mum was still a bit in denial but she took back seat and allowed someone else to make decisions.

My mum has sisters she is close to, however while they express plenty of concern, they don't do anything to help. I have tried talking to them and asking for support (which of course they don't habe to give), but they back off and tend to only convey concern behind closed doors. I think they might be aware of how it'll be received...

I visit and call. I genuinely don't know what to do. Any time it is addressed, she flares up. Someone mentioned crisis point, I fear it may need to get to crisis point before anything is done.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@Badger1970

It's really hard for elderly people to accept that they're not managing. So up goes the defence barrier and the insistence that they're coping. I would contact their GP and put everything in writing; and I would start a gentle conversation with your parents that you're worried sick about them and denial isn't helping any of you least of all them.

My Nan was the 1st person I cared for, and learned a lot of lessons the hard way. So when my Dad fell ill last year, we started the way we meant to go on and started off with an OT referral, then getting a cleaner in... and by the time he needed physical care, he was a lot more accepting of it.

I have been thinking about contacting their gp for a while now. I guess I am just worried at what will happen given their extreme reluctance to do anything about their situation.

One time my dad was struggling to walk in a shopping centre and a shopping centre attendant offered him an on site mobility scooter, which of course was refused. My mum went on for ages, "imagine dad being offered that". I don't know why she can't see what everyone else does. That is an example of how strongly they resist help.

[Coastalvenues]

@Frazzledmummy123

Thank you 💐. Dealing with my mum's behaviour is a real struggle enough and I wish people with zero experience of narcissism would stop judging.

Totally with you OP, it's so so hard and people saying stupid things really doesn't help. You'll get someone saying 'you'll miss them when they're gone' in a minute 😤 hugs xx

[Viviennemary]

It is hard that your mother is so difficult She is probably terrified of the future and how she will cope. It's not unusual for elderly people to refuse outisde help even if they need it. You could contact Age UK to see if they have any suggestions. They will have a lot of experience of this type of situation.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@picklemewalnuts

It sounds as though this is the latest act in a long series of issues.

Mine is similar, but we've lost dad already. She was manageable while he was alive and is very difficult now. At one stage I was determined to go NC as soon as dad died.

It's very hard being subjected to tirades, snapped at, and treated like an idiot because they are struggling.

It's hard to help, and impossible not to try.

Sorry to hear you lost your dad 💐.

I agree with everything you said, and yes it is the latest in a run of events. She did sinular on Mother's Day morning, she lashed out at me calling my menory awful and saying at least my dad at his age has an excuse for being forgetful when I mentioned his confusions. Any time it is mentioned that I have noticed, she flares up and gets defensive and almost aggressive.

[Frazzledmummy123]

@picklemewalnuts

Have some empathy for an OP who is struggling to help someone who's clearly been difficult for a long time.

Thank you 💐. Dealing with my mum's behaviour is a real struggle enough and I wish people with zero experience of narcissism would stop judging.