Mum fell over - didn’t tell us

[Springisclose]

Im one of 4 siblings. Only one lives near my parents - But is no support and completely self absorbed. I live in Europe, DB in Canada, other sister is 2 hours away.
I have just found out via a relative that a few weeks back my Mum feel over walking to Church. Badly bruised and scraped her face. Didn’t tell anyone. And my Dad - who usually cant keep anything to himself - didn’t mention it either.
Im a combination of annoyed, worried and exasperated.
I wondered why she hadn’t been video calling me recently.
She is in her late 60s. Pretty healthy and active. But very private and stoic
I’m not sure what I’m asking. It’s just frustrating

You described her as 'elderly' so despite the fact that she's just been on the trip of a lifetime, you clearly do at some level think 70 is elderly.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain I don't consider my mother an elderly person, as I just stated in my reply to you. Did you misread? I accidentally didn't include inverted commas around my first use of 'elderly'. It still doesn't change the context of my post. And it still doesn't change you using the quote completely out of context.

I don’t understand why you are deliberately misquoting that poster, here is the full quote

My elderly 70 year old mum has just come back from a once in a life time trekking trip. Maybe re asses your ageist views. Your parents more thank likely don't think they are elderly yet and need to inform their children every time they injure themselves.

Its incredibly clear she is demonstrating that the OP is incorrect in her use of elderly and that she doesn’t think 70 is elderly, she used the word as the OP had used it to point out the OP is wrong.

Old people are terrified of telling people they've fallen. they think they will be whisked off into a care home.

As I get older (not elderly) I already notice my own up kids over-worrying about stuff regarding me. And I'm a fit and healthy late sixties person who backpacks independently on long haul trips, staying in hostels, so they've no reason to think I'm fragile.

So yes, there is a tendency not to tell adult kids things that will make them wittter or worry unnecessaraily. It seems that younger people are allowed to trip witout their competence being called into question. But once you're retired, far more is read into normal minor accidents.

Not quite retirement age ia not elderly! Is there a term for it? Maybe late middle age? I'm 38 and would say I'm maybe nearly almost starting middle age, just about coming out of young 😅

Mayb18-25 young adult
25-40 still young but more adult
40-70 middle aged
70-85 older adult
85+ elderly
Expect to die 95-103

Caveat in areas with a lower life expectancy and poverty to middle age end at 60. 60-70 older. 70+ elderly.

The average life expectancy in the UK is 80. It’s 77 in the US. The NHS considers a person over 65 to be older. I think some of you are kidding yourself if you think 70 is not elderly. My uncle was fit and healthy and dropped dead at the grand old age of 71.

Perhaps she doesn't tell you things because you have a tendency to overreact and will try to restrict her freedom and activities.

I remember my 90 year old neighbour coming over many years ago to borrow some paracetamol for some, frankly, terrible bruises after a fall that she refused to tell her husband and children about because, in her words, they would think she was a "doddery old lady" and stop her doing stuff. She continued to walk the 2 mile round trip to do her shopping 3 times a week.

As you see on this thread anyone can trip or fall. Keeping active is good for her bone density at her age.

Life expectancy is variable. Its 84 for females in the UK and 82 for men. But in some areas of Glasgow it's 54 and in Detling in kent 98.

"She is open about her mortality and has made all her funeral plans and explained then with me in detail. Interesting that she would do that and not mention a small fall"
Some people plan their funerals much younger than that. It just means they are good planners.
There is no reason on earth why she should mention a small fall to you. You really are fussing excessively.
Saying you're worried because they live in a high crime area is a bit much too. They are older people with a lifetime of experience, they're not children. People don't lose their wisdom as they get older.

She is in her 60s not approaching her telegram from the queen. Or even her card from King and Queen

Old people are terrified of telling people they've fallen. they think they will be whisked off into a care home. People in their 70s, on the other hand, generally can understand that they can’t be whisked off into a care home against their will, but they don't want the medical profession to get the wrong idea, and start to deny access to medical treatments on the grounds of “frailty”.

@Springisclose @SpookyBlackCat This thread is full of people in their 60s and 70s telling you what our experience is. It’s bordering on patronising to keep seeking to convince us, by implication, that we’re elderly and need to report any mishap to someone so they can take care of us.

Why are you treating her like she's a doddery old lady? My mum broke her ankle lately. She'd laugh at me if I suggested she stopped walking and she's only a few years younger. I'd never boss my parents around if they had health and full capacity. People of any age can fall.

I’m 60, had a few falls and got stuck in the bath, I have mild Parkinson’s, now stronger than I was, told had it 5 years, annoyed by it, diagnosed last September

To me, you are being daft. Your mum didn’t need to tell you any of it and your posts give insight as to why - you’re overreacting.

I’ve lived abroad so I know it doesn’t mean you love your family any less, it also means you lose the day to dayness and you miss out on things. No point getting upset with me for pointing that out to you, it’s just how it is. Your mum didn’t want to tell you, you’ve described her as private, you posted her business on the internet.

Would you tell your ma if you fell over in the same way, OP?

Late 60's!! Dear God, I'm younger than that but do ultra running and fall over quite often. I mention it occasionally in passing.

Oh and I'm always discussing my will, music at my funeral etc

I think you are projecting into the sibling that lives nearby but is 'no help and self absorbed'. At least they're in the same country should she need them.

I'm not sure what help the sibling is supposed to be @Springisclose . My DDs live 30 and 45 minutes away, and I live alone (widowed) but I don't need help from them. We enjoy each others' company but I'm not asking them to do things for me. I can look after myself thanks, even in my late 60s. And your DM has a DH on hand, so what are you expecting the sibling to provide?

My mum’s hip broke (first) and then she fell right in front of me. She had to have hip replacement surgery. She had osteoporosis as do I.
After Mum was released from hospital, my sister put her directly into assisted living. She didn’t tell mum, she didn’t tell me (I was living w/ Mum, looking after her). Sister just moved her straight there, as if she needed to be there. She didn’t.
My mum felt betrayed for the rest of her life. She never forgave my sister. And I always felt as though my sister thought I pushed our mum down intentionally.
Don’t treat your mum as though she can’t get along without your interference. If she thought you needed to know about her fall, I’m sure she would’ve told you - my mum “edited” what she reported to my sister as well.

@MyMumSaysALot I'm so sorry about your mum. That's my worst fear about getting older, being forced into a home/assisted living!

OP my parents might not have told me when they were only late 60s and I see them all the time! Also sometimes you just don't want to talk about it or don't want a fuss.
Mum retired first but dad didn't retire till 75. Now he's gone and Mum is 84 and needs a lot of help. You may find you have a lot longer to fret about them so try not to take it on now when there's no need.

also, pointless criticism of sibling, and yes, if you live far from someone you are bound to know less than people who live nearer.

How did that happen, just "putting" your mum in a home?

Hahaha. I'm in my 60s too. I fell over a couple of weeks ago. I was actually with my adult DS. We were running a marathon together. He yanked me up and shouted at me that I couldn't stop as I was on a personal best. Thank God. Or should the interfering git have tried to tell me I should stop walking to church?