Mum fell over - didn’t tell us

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Im one of 4 siblings. Only one lives near my parents - But is no support and completely self absorbed. I live in Europe, DB in Canada, other sister is 2 hours away.
I have just found out via a relative that a few weeks back my Mum feel over walking to Church. Badly bruised and scraped her face. Didn’t tell anyone. And my Dad - who usually cant keep anything to himself - didn’t mention it either.
Im a combination of annoyed, worried and exasperated.
I wondered why she hadn’t been video calling me recently.
She is in her late 60s. Pretty healthy and active. But very private and stoic
I’m not sure what I’m asking. It’s just frustrating

Has she got other health conditions or care needs? I can see why you would worry obviously but if she’s an independent adult in her 60s and you don’t even live in the same country I can’t see why she’d need to tell you if she doesn’t want to, she probably didn’t want to worry you. What can you do about it anyway?

She doesn't want to worry you. None of you live nearby. She didn't want fuss. She's not that bothered by it and wants to crack in without feeling embarrassed etc etc (I fell over a year ago and didn't tell a soul, hurt myself quite badly (needed stitches on my back, and I'm only in my 30s!). Totally understand that you are worried and want to help but she's an adult and not elderly so maybe just wanted to keep it to herself.

What would / could you have done if she'd told you?

She's not really elderly is she? My DM is the same age and I wouldn't think she's elderly and wouldn't necessarily expect her to tell me that she'd fallen over unless it came up in conversation in passing.

@Coffeellama just because I don’t live in the same country doesn’t mean i am not interested in my Mum. If I lived next door would that mean i cared more? It was context.
What can I do? Ask how she is, tell her I love her. Encourage her to drive to Church when it’s dark instead of walking.

@WindowGazers that you. You make some good points.

And these are probably all the things she doesn't want and is avoiding. If I fell over ONCE and someone was then trying to tell me I should change the way I do things it would annoy the living daylights out of me. It is a one off OP. You just ask her if she's OK and leave it at that.

@mynameiscalypso I consider nearly 70 as beyond middle aged.
I’ll just have to ask her next time I see her in person - in a few weeks time - why she didn’t mention it.

My mum is 75. Can't imagine her telling me something like this unless I saw her face to face. My mum isn't elderly she has the lifestyle and energy of a 55yr old.

I shouldn't think it crossed your mums mind to tell you.

She's six years older than me op. If Inwerenfine I wouldn't tell my children. No need to worry them.

Would you want to be told to stop walking and drive instead just because you fell over?

She's still in her 60s. Hardly elderly. On a par with a 40 year old falling over really. I'm 50. I slipped on the ice over Xmas. I'd have been somewhat baffled if my children started clucking.

Is there some huge backstory here?

I don't even get to retire til I am 68. Do I segue instantly into a carehome the day after stopping full time work in a professional job?

What kind of support exactly do you think your siblings should be giving them? Are they in some way disabled?

Yeah I didn’t say or imply you don’t care, I said the opposite actually that I can see why you worried. But she’s not a frail elderly lady who has care needs. And she probably doesn’t want you fussing about it over the phone and telling her to drive etc when she’s still more than capable of making her own decisions, as she won’t want to feel like you see her as a frail elderly lady. Frustrating for you yes, but it’s totally up to her and she’s not any less safe by not telling you. She probably just feels embarrassed and doesn’t want a fuss. And she doesn’t really owe you an explanation, you can tell her you’d really rather no, but it’s up to her.

This. I’m early 60s so not much younger, would not consider it a big deal if I fell like that but had no major injuries, would not want my family contacting each other about it, and if any of them tried giving me advice about driving instead of walking to church I wouldn’t be pleased. She isn’t a child, she doesn’t need that.

I am so depressed. I'm 63 this week and in about 4 years I'm going to be thought of as elderly. My sister is 67 this year. I don't think I'll mention this thread to her.

Why are you worried about her falling particularly? People trip over, I've fallen over several times in the last couple of years and I'm only a decade younger. Bruising and a graze is normal and minor. Unless there's something else, like osteoporosis, that might cause major consequences for a minor fall then she can make her own decisions on how to get herself around.

If you go all out now telling her how to live her own life so that you can feel better, then she is likely to get ever more secretive. If I had someone jumping on every minor issue in order to control my life then I wouldn't tell them a thing. Actually, I'd tell them to fuck off and mind their own business, then I wouldn't tell them a thing.

I'm 68. I wouldn't tell my kids if I tripped and fell. It's not their problem. If I was losing balance etc then I would talk to them about it but it's still my choice whether to do that or not. I'm an adult, albeit older, my choice what I share.

Encourage her to drive to Church when it’s dark instead of walking.

That's probably why she didn't mention. It was one fall! No need to "encourage" a perfectly capable woman to make changes based on one trip.

I’m in my 60s. I fell over last year outside Tesco. Shit happens.

My god woman, you're elderly. Stop walking. Get yourself a mobility scooter. 😂

Good grief ... I have now realised that I fall (pun intended) into the 'elderly parents' category. I am mid 60s & I wouldn't dream of telling my DS if I had a fall . My own DM (90) locked herself out of her house this week ... she sorted it out and didn't really want to tell me but I found out.

Your DM is not a frail old lady, she has her DH who presumably is supporting her if there was a serious problem..... I think you should respect her privacy and stoicism. Most of us in our 60s + are busy working, volunteering etc etc ...we don't need to be in constant contact with our adult DC.

I think the most important fact is your mum doesn’t live alone. There is someone there who will care for her if she needs it.

My grandmother started having falls at that age and it turned out to be a series of small strokes. After the second fall my grandfather encouraged her to see her doctor and it was diagnosed. So perhaps it’s worth a chat with your Dad just to reassure yourself that he will definitely take action if any is needed.

In contrast my mum who lived alone didn’t tell her children about her first major fall nor did she seek medical attention even though it put her in bed for 3 days. My uncle found out accidentally when he dropped in then he called me. This was the start of her neglecting her health and refusing to seek any treatment because she became obsessed with losing her independence and her children ‘bossing her around’ (which we never did). It was stressful because she was alone and 90 minutes away. Ultimately it led to exactly what she didn’t want - a broken bone, a hospital stay and an assessment that she couldn’t live alone any more.

Good grief.

I'm your mum's age. I'm not old, I'm not incapable, and if I fell over, I'd do what anyone of any age would do if they fell. I'd get on with life as normal and feel no need to tell anyone unless they saw the grazes and asked what had happened. If my daughters started treated me as though I was in my late eighties and telling me that I shouldn't be walking places, I'd be livid. To be fair so would my 94 year old auntie who walks everywhere.

Many people of my age are still working in physical jobs. They don't need telling to drive instead of walking in case they trip over.

People trip sometimes. The last person I helped pick up was a very embarrassed young bloke, maybe in his early thirties.

Why do you have to ask her?

Why should she have to tell you this stuff? It was a one off trip over something. She picked herself, got on with life, and it's really none of your business. She was not behaving foolishly or recklessly, she was just walking to church in her 60s. Which indicates a healthy way of life. We're all being told to walk more, especially as we get older.

There's no reason for you to be told, nothing useful you could do, so absolutely no reason to tell you unless she wanted to.

I'm guessing this is a sign that you have guilt at living away, frankly. That or you want to control her life but can't.