Mum fell over - didn’t tell us

[Springisclose]

Im one of 4 siblings. Only one lives near my parents - But is no support and completely self absorbed. I live in Europe, DB in Canada, other sister is 2 hours away.
I have just found out via a relative that a few weeks back my Mum feel over walking to Church. Badly bruised and scraped her face. Didn’t tell anyone. And my Dad - who usually cant keep anything to himself - didn’t mention it either.
Im a combination of annoyed, worried and exasperated.
I wondered why she hadn’t been video calling me recently.
She is in her late 60s. Pretty healthy and active. But very private and stoic
I’m not sure what I’m asking. It’s just frustrating

I came off my bike yesterday. A few bruises and bumps. Apart from dh you are the only people who know.
I'm quite a bit younger than your Mum, but nevertheless, why would I tell others that I'm a klutz?

She’s younger than me. I fell over in the street yesterday. It wouldn’t occur to me to tell anyone! The last time before that that I fell, last summer, I was halfway up a mountain, well off the path, looking for rare flowers and not paying attention to what was under my feet.

There will come a stage, in 25 or 30 year’s time, when she’s so frail that a fall could do damage. But until then, the worry about elderly people falling is less about the fall and more about any underlying balance problems.

She tripped and fell and is fine.

She doesn’t need to confined herself to the house after dark unless she drives.

No wonder she didn’t tell you. She didn’t want to worry you but maybe also wanted to avoid being told off for taking such terrible risks / being treated like a toddler and being told not to go out etc.

Yes, I think this is more about the resentment that the sibling who lives nearby is not assuming total responsibility for the parents in advance, so that OP can just swan in for a visit when they feel like it.

She is in her 60s not approaching her telegram from the queen.

If you tripped over and grazed yourself would you immediately start driving everywhere and send messages to the rest of your family or just dust yourself down and crack on with life? Why would a active woman in her 60s make a big fuss about what probably feels like a stupid stumble?

This is depressing. We are mid 60s. Going skiing in a couple of weeks with others in same age bracket and adult children. Should we just stay on the sofa under a blanket to cut out any risk. It’s bad enough worrying about our elderly parents without rushing into it ourselves.

Encouraging her to walk less will increase the risk of her falling.
if this is a one off, accidents happen. If it’s part of a series of talks then it would definitely be worth her mentioning it to her GP but you should not start dictating how your (still pretty young) mum should live her life.
@Springisclose I suspect that inadvertently you choosing to live overseas is affecting your viewpoint of what your mum and dad should be telling you. That’s your issue to overcome, not theirs, as is the fact that your feel
that your more local sibling doesn’t do enough. The fact that most of their siblings chose to move away isn’t their fault.

This exactly

You're too far away to make judgements about where, when and how she goes out. She chose to hide this from you so you need to respect that.

I don’t know why people are being so harsh. My mum is early seventies and has now had a number of falls. I live abroad but she always tells me about them. I think they are related to her blood pressure medicine. It’s hard living so far from aging parents. I hope your mum is ok.

I can see why she didn't want to tell you to be honest.

My elderly 70 year old mum has just come back from a once in a life time trekking trip. Maybe re asses your ageist views. Your parents more thank likely don't think they are elderly yet and need to inform their children every time they injure themselves.

@SpookyBlackCat thank you. There seems to be an assumption that if you live out of the Uk by leaving the shores you somehow are a lesser person in the family. Don’t care about them etc etc.
I visit regularly - 4 to 6 Times a year. We talk weekly.
We talk about what is going on in our lives. In fact this Weekend when I asked my Mum if she would like me to organise my flights so we can fly back together (with my Dad) she was very enthusiastic in her yes.
I would never stop her doing any of the activities she loves. At the same time I think it’s reasonable to tell me if she hurts herself - if only to ask how her recovery is going
Frankly being nearly 70 is older. Not elderly but older. She is open about her mortality and has made all her funeral plans and explained then with me in detail. Interesting that she would do that and not mention a small fall.
They also live in not the safest area - high crime etc. This makes me concerned for their welfare.

Of course you would never stop her doing any of the activities she loves ....

because you are not her owner, her legal guardian, or her parent.
She isn't a small child, a dog or a person with no legal capacity.

Your posts sound like you have a controlling nature. Perhaps it comes across that way to your parents? You may not intend that.

At the same time I think it’s reasonable to tell me if she hurts herself

But that is of course 100% up to her, not you. If she chooses not to she hasn’t done anything wrong.

My mum is 69, she’d likely tell me if she fell over but she’s very agile and although she gets tired more now she’s pretty young I think I don’t worry about her falling over and it’s not something I’m concerned about I think late 60’s unless there are valid heath lr mobility issues is not elderly. Just mention you heard she fell and ask why she never mentioned it, perhaps because you are far away she thought you’d worry more or something but communicate and you can move forward and reassure its because you love them and are interested in their lives

I'm 64 and I fell over a few weeks ago. I didn't need to tell my son as we were skiing together.

I expect they didn’t tell you so as not to worry you over something you can do nothing about. I can see it from your point of view that she didn’t just have a fall she injured herself with severe bruising and scrapes to her face. I’d want to know if my loved one was ill or injured to support them. Late 60s is past retirement age into the age of free medication, free buss pass, lots of women have got considerably reduced bone density at that point. I think you need to have a quick check of ways to tackle falls though as telling someone to drive instead of walk isn’t it!

A year older than your sister, Marsha, and it's depressing as hell sometimes. I fell a couple of years ago (some delivery twat left plastic ties on the pavement that tripped me up, needed a trip to A&E) and I didn't feel the need to tell everyone, just look where I was going a bit more carefully.

Your posts make it clear why she didn't tell you - you are clucking about it, which she had no interest in. If I knew you would make a song and dance about my falling over I wouldn't tell you either.

It's not a big deal, and she doesn't need her behaviour to be constrained by your fears.

My elderly 70 year old mum

Shit, I'm 70 next year, am I now elderly? 😭

She is open about her mortality and has made all her funeral plans and explained then with me in detail. Interesting that she would do that and not mention a small fall.
I am 10 years younger than your mum and have done all of those things!* *Our kids know exactly what funerals we want, where our wills are, POAs are in place, summary spreadsheet with all investments listed - it doesn't mean we have decided to drive everywhere in case we fall over a tree root! It also doesn't mean that my husband (bit older) thought our adult children needed to know when he slide down a tree off a ladder where he was fixing a bird box last week.

At the same time I think it’s reasonable to tell me if she hurts herself

Why? What difference does it make? She's okay. She doesnt need you wittering on and making a big deal of a small accident that anyone could have. And clearly uou would, judging by your reaction to this incident.

You're infiantilising her. She doesn't need you 'looking after her' and stressing over this kind of thing.

Or maybe use my full quote in context next time. 'Elderly' as implied by the OP but clearly, considering the rest of my post, not a sentiment I agree with thanks.

She is open about her mortality and has made all her funeral plans and explained then with me in detail. Interesting that she would do that and not mention a small fall.

Funeral plans are important. A small fall has nothing at all to do with her mortality, so I don't think her being open about that would have any bearing on her talking about a fall.

I would never stop her doing any of the activities she loves.

Of course not, because how could you possibly do this?