The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Hi - I think that most people on these threads believe that we can only give a finite amount of our time and emotional energy, and that trying to make us feel guilty for what we cannot do is unacceptable.

Your DH is doing what he can and his siblings should not be trying to make him feel that his contribution is insufficient. Your IL's situation sounds very difficult.

BTW I knew a cantankerous old lady who sacked a carer because of her "common" accent (the old lady's words, not mine).

@venusandmars one of the things I’ve learned is that your capacity to cope/give of yourself is not necessarily related to the amount of “free time” or other commitments that you may have. On paper, I should be able to do lots for my mum, but in reality if I try to do much more than I already am I run into a brick wall with my mental health. DH and I have just returned from a short holiday, less than a week. Before I went I made sure she was stocked up and has everything she needed. She has carers four times a day. DB visited for a few days too. And yet she couldn’t give me a break and was still ringing me every day, “I can’t decide whether to get dressed today” “where did I put my purse” etc.

Sorry I didn’t mean to make it about me! I would strongly recommend a cards on the table between your DH and his siblings. I presume when they moved your in laws to the current location, it was discussed that sibling 2 would end up the default on call due to their proximity? If not, time for a chat. He’s already acknowledged that his long term priority is his relationships with his siblings, and we all know that the foundation of good relationships is communication.

Hello everyone. I'm another looking after/out for an elderly parent, and I'm so glad I've found you all. I'd like to pull up a chair and join you all if I may. First I'm going to read the thread though flowers 💐

'If they've got capacity and won't be reasonable you just have to step back and let the crisis happen' is pure gold! Thank you

Also somewhere someone has said how their parent put their best lucidity on for the hospital discharge team....
Absobloodylutely!

I've found my tribe!! I have tried to chat about these things out the in the real world, and people really don't understand.

Been on the phone to my Mum. I try to limit calls to no more than once a week but even that is driving me mad. I hate being on the phone with her and have been trying to use some grey rock techniques to stop it being quite so bad.

I sometimes have to be quite blunt with one of my brothers. He used to live in the same town as mum but has moved several hours away. He will say things like "I can't just pop round anymore you'll have to pick that up" I out very bluntly that other DB and I not only live an hour away (many years ago mum moved to be near golden DB who has moved away) but work full time so are also not in a position to "pop" round. He alone has POA. I go up regularly to sort tablets, take her on outings etc so get very pissed off if he tries to fob a phone call onto me.

@countrygirl99
My brother does the "it's easier if you go" line about anything to do with Mum needing something.

Easier for whom, exactly?! Definitely not easier for me. Sure, I live closer than he does but it's still a 4-5 hour round trip.

Ironically my parents were both only children and didn't want me to be left on my own supporting them when they got old so thoughtfully provided me with a sibling I don't get on with!

Welcome @SunshineGlamourIfOnly and sorry you have to be here iyswim.

FFS brothers! I’ve just put the phone down on mine. We’ve both booked a holiday for next week. Apparently I should have checked with him first. I pointed out that a) he hadn’t checked with me, b) it’s his second holiday this year and he didn’t check with me the first time, c) he’s away every weekend and bank holiday from March to October and assumes I’ll be around for all of those. When he started shouting that it wasn’t right for me to say DM would be fine for a week so long as we stocked up her fridge, I put the phone down.

We do her shopping on a rota, every other week. I retired two months ago and apparently he thinks I should do her shopping every week now. It’s the only thing he does for her apart from mow the lawn occasionally. I do the rest of the gardening, the cleaning, every single medical appointment, the prescriptions, all the admin, the clothes shopping, arrange any house maintenance, take her to any social occasions.
Rant over.

In some ways it sounds harder to manage with siblings than as an only child given the possibility for arguments and pressure from siblings.

Does anyone ever find they feel so sad about the situation around your elderly parents now?

DM has been in a psychiatric hospital, sectioned, for the last month and is showing no signs she will be able to be discharged any time soon. The whole situation is exhausting and feels soul destroying. I alternate between frustration and annoyance with the situation to overwhelming sadness that this is where we find ourselves when they are actually only in their 70s.

I feel terribly sad about it. I think DM would be better off in some kind of sheltered accommodation where there’s some kind of social life for her. I’m sad that I resent the things I do for her. I’m sad that I can’t just be a daughter to her, that I hate the responsibility.

Is there a way to be able to farm some of this out to third parties? Or is your mum insisting that she’ll only accept assistance from you and your DB? Because if it’s the latter, then it’s as much a mum problem as a brother problem.

If she accepts that you’re not her servant(s) then online shopping, prescriptions automatically sent to a pharmacy that delivers, gardener and cleaner will all in the long term lift some of the burden. Granted it’s more work initially to set up but long term pays off.

The hardest thing about getting others to do the job is accepting it won’t be done to the exact same way/standard that you may have find it. There’s been a lot of adjusting to “good enough” with my mum.

Yes. I feel like I’m pre-grieving my mum while she’s still with us. The woman she once was has long gone.

Yes, I think I’ll have to embrace online shopping for her. Trouble is she’s so disorganised - someone really has to go round and check what she needs otherwise I get distress calls for milk or toothpaste or loo roll. The only pharmacy in our little town is also disorganised - I’ve tried to get her prescription automatically delivered but every month I have to phone up and request that they do it.
To be fair it’s not that she’s demanding this of us, more that I feel guilt at not doing it. She’s been a lovely mum.

@BestIsWest, you have summed it up there. I feel the same resentment and frustration, then guilt at feeling like that, then sadness for her and all of us involved.

I’m dreading DM coming out of hospital because of what will no doubt occur, and the impact on my Dad as well.

@funnelfan, anticipatory grief is a huge part of it I think. It’s very hard to do. Sorry you are finding yourself there too.

Just popped on quickly - I have read the replies from earlier in the week, just trying to take my time and process them all. Sorry I haven't replied to them all, all the kindness got a bit overwhelming and then it all kicked off, and seems to have settled a bit again.

I may well end up doing my own post with it all, as one PP suggested.

But I am feeling more human-ish today, and a lot less like breaking. Not a complete win but steps in the right direction.

Thank you!

Mine is now turning down things her carers offer to help her with (hair wash/leaving a lunch sandwich out/that sort of thing) I get to read her notes so I know she's telling them things like me or my siblings are coming to do it. O might ring a sibling and they tell me they told her they'll see her in the week.
She gets confused about who is doing what ALL the time, but maintains her lucidy facade (and charm) for her brief periods with the carers.
It's quite frustrating because I still then have to go to to these things for her. She can be lovely but can also be very difficult and very demanding ( and also very sweet and muddled)
And by siblings i really mean brothers who are very content to 'help' if I ask, if it's convenient to them.
I'm very tired, and grateful to read about other people's situations.

@BestIsWest I feel for you so much. It all sounds very familiar!

@SunshineGlamourIfOnly I identify with your tiredness. Went to visit DM yesterday. I find being with her exhausting - just listening to the relentless negativity, she is so bitter about the past which is almost her sole topic of conversation. And I find it sad too, & then I get depressed because I can't wave that magic wand to make it all better.

I was so physically & mentally tired at the end of my visit that I don't know how I drove home safely and was too tired to eat. I thought when I got home, that maybe I'd cut my visits to once a week but thinking about it this morning I decided that wouldn't be fair on my sister who's her main carer, & unkind to DM.

I get resentful too because when she was my age (63) me & my siblings had grown up, my grandparents had died 20 years before & DM had retired from work in good health. So different to me & DSis.

So many mixed emotions, including lots of guilt that I can't seem to shake off.

I have so much sympathy for what everyone is going through. So many of you have or have had it so much worse than me. But right now can I share a happy post?

My youngest DD got married on Friday. Mum has no mobility, is very confused and doesn't know me most of the time but she has always said she wants to see all her grandchildren married.

I arranged with the matron of the home to bring the bride and groom to visit yesterday for "cake and fizz". I took paper napkins, my own plates and plastic cups because I didn't want to cause more work for the staff. I arrived and they had set up a table with flowers and pretty china, there was a gift for them from mum, cards from mum and from the staff and residents. Mum was beautifully dressed - everything matching from her slippers to the fascinator they put in her hair. We sat at the table and chatted for a while then we took mum outside in the gardens and had lots of photos taken. It was a perfect end to the celebrations and mum had an afternoon surrounded by love. We all came away with the same feeling. It was mum's home, not an institution.

That's so lovely @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that is so lovely.