Very much resonates @Mum5net we really don't want her to hurt anyone or herself. The hatred and venom are very real. My dad covers it all up as he thinks that if anything happens to her then he'd have to leave the house etc. We honestly think there may be a point where she tries to hurt him.
@Knotaknitter the professionals confuse me. There are a set of professionals involved in my dad's medical needs. They have witnessed and reported their concerns numerous times, basically because even now if any of them disagree with my mum and pay attention to my dad then she can 'flip'
At the moment, she puts all rubbish in the recycling bin and then rants when the bin men refuse to take it, because there is open incontinence waste in the bin. She starts screaming if my dad says that he's taking rubbish to the bin.
It always gets referred to her GP, who then directs it back to the social worker, who then tells us that my mum is very happy with the care/support she receives. The GP has occasionally called my mum in for an appointment, my mum will go and will then do either of 2 things , the GP was lovely and they laughed and laughed (no sign of any treatment or assistance) or the GP will be a useless b tard, devil incarnate, etc who 'doesnt know what they are doing'
Last week, they had a home visit from a GP, my mum agreed to it as this GP apparently knows our family, so that's acceptable to mum because the other GP apparently only exists to take my mum's driving licence away. Each time the GP has seen them, my mum will cut me off for a long time as the GP decides to tell them that their children have raised concerns.
The GP did 2 memory tests on my dad, as he'd activated a DNAR after a recent hospital stay.
Absolutely nothing on my mum. She's currently using my dad's walking frame as she says she has 'pain in her hip' this apparently wasn't discussed with the GP. My mum has what can only be described as a hole in the bottom of her foot, which she says is extremely painful. My mum decided the GP was there to see my dad and didn't have time to discuss anything else. My mum is a daily visitor to their local pharmacy. The deflection is incredible to watch.
She will stand over my dad and call him the foulest of names, he goes into his bedroom and cries and says his marriage is over, focuses on a phrase we hear again and again that she's 'going to lose them everything '
Last week we had constant telephone calls from her telling us that did we know he was leaving her, followed by hysterical laughter.
Usually, her phone call will state that she's leaving and never coming back, and then what will the lying b stard do (referring to dad ) .
Yesterday she rang my sister as my dad needed to put diesel in his car, his mobility has deteriorated to a point where he can barely stand. My mum asks us to do these things as she won't get in his car.
Yet the professionals don't speak to each other. they won't listen that she tears up appointment letters as she decides it's too far too travel etc etc. None of us live close enough to visit daily, plus we couldn't anyway due to working hours. The duty social worker asked me what my parents eat, was my mum at risk from leaving the cooker on? No because she eats fish and chips 7 days a week.
In isolation, all of these things would appear to be 2 elderly folk remaining fiercely independent, refusing external help, yet expecting help on their terms. Medically, my dad is supposed to eat a soft diet to prevent choking and aspirational pneumonia. My mum buys prepacked sandwiches instead and tells us there's nothing wrong with my dad, he's violently sick in front of her and she says she knows all about it and he just needs to drink water and her sister had tb over 60 years ago. She tells them she does all her own shopping - she will only buy trifle and chocolate mini rolls.
My dad will refuse anything that he decides costs too much, including the care alarm we had installed due to mum being unable to summon assistance for either of them as she's forgotten how to use the phone. Meals on wheels were cancelled as it was deemed 'too expensive'
One of my brother's insists that their world has shrunk.....
No one is joining the dots. (Apologies, that turned into a very long rant!!)