The Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Spring 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! I’ve done a really good clean of the place overnight, and brought in daffodils from the garden to remind us all that spring is around the corner and better times on the way.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

I see mum once a fortnight. If she needs an appointment I time it around that, otherwise I usually go up after work. 2 reasons 1) she says the evenings are when she feels lonely. 2) it means I have time to do stuff I need/want at the weekend without losing half a day.
Every time I drive up I have a sinking feeling because she won't have answered the phone when I call to remind her I'm coming. I know it's 99.9% chance it's because the tv is too loud but the other 0.01% is gnawing away in my head for the hour drive.
Then when I get there it's the same conversations every time. Which does have the advantage that I don't need to think of anything new but it's all moaning then when I suggest a gardener/ other help/ideas suddenly it's not a problem she's coping fine, wonderful life etc.
And last time I realised that she doesn't remember what my house is like. I've lived here 22 years and until dad gave up driving 5 years ago they were regular visitors. I'm pretty sure she thinks we are in the first house we had after we married. We left there in 1985 and lived in 2 more in between.

I see MIL once a week. It's a duty visit, she's pleasant to me now that she doesn't know who I am. I probably only go three weeks in four because there are times when I just don't want to. When I've had two weeks with a forty five minute drive for a five minute visit then I'm less bothered about visiting the next week. I know I'm the only visitor she has so I make the effort but it really is an effort some weeks.

Mum has stopped washing her hair and showering. She seems to be doing basin washes so that's OK but her hair is looking bad. I made her an appt for a wash and blow dry at the hairdressers but she made us cancel it. There's another appt for 2 weeks time but I think she'll want to cancel that too. We can't do it at hers as she has a wet room, no bath or suitable basin, and she just doesn't want to. Do we just let it go?

I used shampoo caps from Amazon for my mum but I wouldn't recommend them. A friend of mine recommended 'Nilaqua" which she had used when caring for someone after an op which left them unable to put their head down or back.

Me & DSis are in a similar situation with DM. Her hair is very long & thick and it's becoming very difficult to wash at home. She cant do it herself and needs to kneel down & bend over the bath to have it washed, which is becoming impossible. It also really needs cutting into a manageable length (short) but persuading DM to do that is so difficult. She sits there all day in this awful pink baggy hair net.

I've thought about taking her to hairdressers but am not sure they'd be able to wash it either - the leaning backwards/leaning forward over the basin might be a problem. Then there's getting her from the washing chair to the cutting chair.

It's all so bloody energy sapping.

Is a mobile hairdresser an option? Years ago one came to the house regularly to do my housebound Gran's hair - admittedly I have no recollection about what they did about washing it though!

Mum has been complaining that her hair is falling out. She’s always had very very curly hair, frizzy in fact but it’s almost straight with her now. She has a mobile hairdresser who comes once a month but she doesn’t do a very good job imho.

Currently experiencing the joys of adult social care and housing! DFiL is still stuck in hospital and will probably die there because they have nowhere else to send him. DMiL is stuck at home in completely inappropriate accommodation. I'm trying to move DM closer to me and there is a council owned sheltered scheme on my doorstep but I've been told it's highly unlikely she will get in. I'm having to try and get a SS referral but not holding my breath. I've got a private rented option but it's not accessible. She could sell up and buy somewhere but I'll have to do everything and don't fancy the stress! Wish I could just move her in with us but DH not keen. What joy.

I posted this on another thread but I was truly amazed by DM this week. Lots of campanula and Welsh poppies have self seeded down the side of her house and though it looks pretty she was worried about them damaging the foundations. So I promised I’d sort it for her and turned up with my tools and gloves to find she’d not only weeded it all out herself but had taken up lots of the Spanish bluebells that have invaded her front garden. It must have taken her all day. Honestly, given that she can’t really walk more than 100 yards, I was so impressed.

Lots of campanula and Welsh poppies have self seeded down the side of her house and though it looks pretty she was worried about them damaging the foundations. She has tough Welsh poppies where she lives

My mum tells everyone about her 'bluebell wood' and insists the gardener who was amazing when he did the garden is now useless and has apparently wrecked the garden.....

Mil has been in hospital this past week, we were told end of life etc, then today she's no longer end of life and has returned to her care home... Rollercoaster of emotions.. at 97 she's still battling on...

They are everywhere @MereDintofPandiculation ! I’ll take a photo one day. I’ve tried to transplant some to my garden with no joy.

@BestIsWest I just collect the seeds and scatter them where I hope they will grow. Has worked so far.

Lightuptheroom "Mil has been in hospital this past week, we were told end of life etc, then today she's no longer end of life and has returned to her care home... Rollercoaster of emotions.. at 97 she's still battling on..."

I really feel for you.

I was just laughing at the idea that they’d damage her foundations

She was convinced @MereDintofPandiculation! Plus there were apparently millions of wood lice hiding in there determined to make their way into the house. She couldn’t remember the word for woodlice though.

The woodlice I can believe!

A bit like my father - he was convinced the garden wall was going to fall down and had me taking photos of it.

Don’t get me started on the garden wall and next doors climbers possibly pushing it over. Another favourite topic. I wouldn’t be surprised to find her up a ladder giving them a trim.
I guess it’s easy to obsess about something when you don’t have much going on.

I guess it’s easy to obsess about something when you don’t have much going on. Yes. Dad used to listen to all the R4 consumer programmes, then get them muddled, so we had British Gas buying up freeholds without the freeholder knowing, then suing for unpaid ground rent, asking it to be paid through the court, so non-payment was contempt of court and we’d by in prison over Christmas.

MIL obsesses about the state of her room. She's always been extremely particular about housekeeping, and can't bear used things hanging around making the place look untidy. Things like yoghurt pots and used spoons she can tidy away into a drawer. Uneaten soup sometimes get tipped into the laundry basket. She won't eat in the dining room most days, so there's lots of potential for food waste to be secreted in odd places. The worst is dirty crockery not being taken away quickly enough. The temper tantrums and name calling are unreal.

Yep, in my mum's case it's any gardener wrecks the garden
With dad, their car port is damaged and needs either taking down or replacing.. obsesses about it day and night but won't pay anyone to do the work, then my mum decides only she can decide whether it gets done or not!!

My mum obsessed about the garden too. Then complains about anyone who comes in to do any big garden jobs because they only did what they were asked to do and not any random stuff that mum decides afterwards that they should have done as well.

Hello from a veteran of this thread and the many before it.
My dm slipped away on Wednesday evening after a very brief spell in hospital- she’d been weakening since Christmas.
We were away- cut short our holiday to drive back to see her. Reached the hospital just as the lovely nurse called to say mum was failing. She slipped away an hour later very peacefully.
So- she made it to very late nineties still living at home with lots of care and my support, as all of us know, not always easy.
Feeling all sorts of emotions.
Thank you to all friends old and new on here. This place has been such a source of support.
@MereDintofPandiculation @Badger1970 @EmmaEmerald @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere @Knotaknitter @Malbecfan @Words @countrygirl99 @notaflyingmonkey and anyone else I’ve forgotten.

Sorry for your loss @thesandwich