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Elderly parents
Original poster

Frail Father in law- what do we do?

58 replies

FurCoatNoNickers · 17/02/2023 20:26

Hello, this is my first post on this board and I need help navigating a way forward for my father in law.

For context, FIL is in his mid eighties and lives alone, in his own home ( he owns it). We live about 40 mins away from him and bro in law ( DH's brother) lives well over an hour way and doesn't drive. DH is the child, FIL relies upon. We have two kids, one with autism. Very busy and stressful life tbh.

He keeps having falls, this started last summer and it's now happening quite regularly. They happen in the home and out in public, ambulance was called on one occasion as he badly hurt himself. He is struggling to maintain his home, cleaning and maintenance of it. He wears a necklace with a panic button on it but I feel the situation is becoming more serious as he gets frailer. My fear is he will fall down the stairs one night and won't be able to call for help. He is still driving but I think he needs to stop now. He is lovely but incredibly stubborn / belligerent.

What on earth do we do? What are our options? DH has power of attorney, both financial and health.

OP posts:
Beautifulsunflowers · 20/02/2023 13:10

Has any medical reason been found for his falls? Is he tripping over a rug or rushing about and not taking care or is he having a fall in blood pressure causing him to fall? The reason needs to be determined before you can move forward.

Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 20/02/2023 20:55

Beautifulsunflowers · 20/02/2023 13:10

Has any medical reason been found for his falls? Is he tripping over a rug or rushing about and not taking care or is he having a fall in blood pressure causing him to fall? The reason needs to be determined before you can move forward.

Hi, no medical reason that we are aware of.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 20/02/2023 20:56

Nananx2 · 20/02/2023 13:01

Hi, as an oldie who was full time carer for my late husband I can offer suggestions that helped is. Having been a carer in the community many many years I had a little insight from both sides..
Having used a couple of care agencies that really didn't ful fill the needs required I advertised and found 2 lovely ladies that came alternate days.
As for cleaning our lovely daughter in law helped on a regular basis..we paid her a little so helped us both.

As for cleaning the toilet as one posted wrote..a pair of gloves and mask if necessary is not beyond most people capability.
As for moving from your FIL present own home I am pretty certain most councils don't allow that but maybe sheltered housing in a complex for older and disabled people in own apartments might be an option.

I so get the old gent not thinking he is old. My now late husband at 89 would never agree he was old. If I joked saying "were getting old dear" he would look my way smiling, telling me to speak for myself..he wasn't old..bless him.

I commend OP for govingvthis situation some serious thought..

Thank you for your helpful response.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 20/02/2023 20:59

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 12:35

I have a lot of empathy for you @FurCoatNoNickers and DH

As with frequent falls in older age (when bones don't heal as fully) and a lifeline pendant alarm, FOL is expecting you'll be available to be called anytime to go check him and sit with him if he falls in his house and if an ambulance is called/ required. It can be a long wait for ambulance if a fall inside home, in many NHS areas , about 4 hrs in our area if they're busy (longer in some other metropolitan areas. )

What is good news is that FIL has only needed ambulance once from a fall so far. That tells you his falls so far are not heavy falls causing significant injury. And FIL may feel that it's worth the risk to him. Of course as a relative that is stressful and causes worry to you including that the next fall may be a serious injury one.

At this stage anything you do has to be with encouragement to FIL and gentle persuasion of the benefits of moving nearer to you or into sheltered housing if that's possible. You're right to think along the lines of exploring extra care schemes (with carers onsite for care packages and for emergencies although they won't lift him up from floor) or sheltered housing very near you so you can more easily pop over. Those tend to be rented HA flats in a scheme but can also sometimes be shared ownership depending on your LA provision in your area.

It's my experience that the "fiercely independent" (the phrase used that others might call 'stubborn' Grin) clients who want to stay in their own homes do tend to manage in their own fashion and keep going!

It's a good thing in some ways and a mixed bag that FIL thinks in his 80s he's not yet "old" and that he's living what he sees as his best life, despite increasing unsteadiness in mobility.

I have a dad who's mid 80s and he's very similar. I have LPAs in place (health and welfare and finances and property)

I'm in the arena of trying to persuade him & mum to move to a owner occupier bungalow near me from 200 miles away. He vacillates and gets cross if I say too much. (I send rightmove property links to my mum)

There is zero chance I'd be able to persuade them to move to a rented flat in a sheltered housing older person scheme and DFather still wants a garage/ workshop. It's hard enough trying to keep him out of my garage and off step ladders at mine let alone what my mum unleashes merry hell for if she catches him with a ladder- after a spectacular fall and broken bones at home.

I've accepted that my Dad wants "to go out" on his own terms. This is my field too so even if you were a social worker, physio or Occupational therapist, I can reassure you that professionals face same worries (& "feisty independence") with their own older relatives.

Thank you. X

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 20/02/2023 20:59

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 12:41

Very good advice from @MontyDonsBlueScarf

Local borough council may offer an older persons driving assessment for a small fee, which is voluntary and may help DFather if you think he might benefit from it and he agrees. Unless you have a specific medical condition like weakness from a specified medical condition such as dementia, a stroke with one sided weakness, epilepsy , sight impairment for eg, it isnt easy to refer to DVLA for action to remove a driving licence.

Good idea to try to persuade him to try a driving assessment. My DF has accepted his driving days are drawing soon to a close, likes using his free OP bus pass and intends for his grandson to have his car when he stops. So there's an incentive there that he isn't a bad drive now but can't continue driving forever.

Will look into this. Thank you.

OP posts:
Bluegrass22 · 20/02/2023 21:18

OP we are in same situation but maybe 6 months down the line.
FIL was living alone, age 74 health deteriorating and in the middle of DH and useless BIL. He has always been fiercely independent (cantankerous some would call it!) But had a recent health scare which has shocked him into seeing how isolated he had made himself. Long story short he is just about to complete on selling his house and buying a lovely over 55's apartment less that half a mile from us.
The apartment was £120k and is a lovely 1 bedroom with a spacious open plan lounge and kitchen, huge bathroom and has gorgeous countryside views, there is a shared lounge area where the residents regularly have coffee mornings/quiz nights and an onsite laundry. It is situated next to a care home (owned by the same management company) so as he needs more care we have the option if adding on things like cleaning, meals, carers, podiatrist etc etc. It's absolutely ideal and had taken a huge weight off for all involved. FIL wasn't convinced until we did a viewing with the agent and sent him videos/pictures and he is now really excited and looking forward to being close enough that we can bob in for company/to drop a paper off etc a few times a week.

Giveaschitt · 20/02/2023 21:26

I could hav written most of this... We're going through something similar... Fil is v reluctant for help or to make things easier in his home. He told me at the weekend (while DH was out doing his shopping) that he feels that by doing the things we're all suggesting, it will be the "beginning of the end" and he's not ready/scared of that.
He's adamant he wants to stay in his house til he dies, so I've tried pointing out that making some changes to make his home safer and his life easier will be a way of hopefully giving him more independence, not less.

Things we are doing: he too has the alarm thing that he wears around his neck - we've now upgraded it to one that senses if the wearer falls.

Regular meal deliveries from the council.

But that's all he'll accept at the moment. I've had to say to DH that ultimately, FIL is an adult and responsible for himself while he's of sound mind. We can make suggestions and offer help/support but if he chooses not to take it, then that is his choice and DH can't feel responsible for that.

mnahmnah · 20/02/2023 21:29

I have no idea how housing associations work, but…

My grandad owned his own house, then sold it and moved into a housing association bungalow near my aunty in another authority. No medical needs. Money in the bank form the house sale.

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