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Elderly parents
Original poster

Frail Father in law- what do we do?

58 replies

FurCoatNoNickers · 17/02/2023 20:26

Hello, this is my first post on this board and I need help navigating a way forward for my father in law.

For context, FIL is in his mid eighties and lives alone, in his own home ( he owns it). We live about 40 mins away from him and bro in law ( DH's brother) lives well over an hour way and doesn't drive. DH is the child, FIL relies upon. We have two kids, one with autism. Very busy and stressful life tbh.

He keeps having falls, this started last summer and it's now happening quite regularly. They happen in the home and out in public, ambulance was called on one occasion as he badly hurt himself. He is struggling to maintain his home, cleaning and maintenance of it. He wears a necklace with a panic button on it but I feel the situation is becoming more serious as he gets frailer. My fear is he will fall down the stairs one night and won't be able to call for help. He is still driving but I think he needs to stop now. He is lovely but incredibly stubborn / belligerent.

What on earth do we do? What are our options? DH has power of attorney, both financial and health.

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?

KangarooKenny · 17/02/2023 21:48

Ask social services to assess him.
we found that we had to pull away from helping to get them to offer help. As long as you say you will help, they will let you,

KangarooKenny · 17/02/2023 21:49

And you can anonymously report him to the DVLA on line. They do action your concerns.

Livedandlearned · 17/02/2023 21:52

Locally we can call Care Direct, someone will assess care needs and any adjustments/equipment in the home that will make his home more safe to live in.

dcadmamagain · 17/02/2023 22:12

My friends mum lives 6 hours away and she has cctv cameras that she can look at 24 hours a day to check all ok with her mum. Would this help your situation?

Chippy1234 · 17/02/2023 23:01

I so sympathise with you. I have something similar. I am sorry to sound harsh but I am heartily tired of older people insisting on doing reckless things and expecting the consequences to fall on a relative to sort out. At one point I had half of West London who had been given my name to sort out things that relative had decided they didn’t want to do any more. Often the first I knew of it was when I got a phone call and actually it all creeps up on you. The refusal to have carers in, the messy untidy, unclean house they live in etc.

Of course it’s their choice but to expect someone else to do it without even discussing it with them isn’t great.

Maybe I am the only one who feels my life is being taken over this.

Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:07

unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?

I go round to do a fortnightly clean and I've found him a good local handyman.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:08

unfortunateevents · 17/02/2023 21:44

Does he have any help with cleaning/maintenance? Have you suggested that he get some help, what is his reaction? Have you spoken with him about the future, how does he see things panning out? I presume he does not wish to talk about the possibility of a care home? Would he move closer to you? Would you want that though?

He's nearly 85 but thinks he's still 40. He doesn't consider himself old. That's how he perceives himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:13

Chippy1234 · 17/02/2023 23:01

I so sympathise with you. I have something similar. I am sorry to sound harsh but I am heartily tired of older people insisting on doing reckless things and expecting the consequences to fall on a relative to sort out. At one point I had half of West London who had been given my name to sort out things that relative had decided they didn’t want to do any more. Often the first I knew of it was when I got a phone call and actually it all creeps up on you. The refusal to have carers in, the messy untidy, unclean house they live in etc.

Of course it’s their choice but to expect someone else to do it without even discussing it with them isn’t great.

Maybe I am the only one who feels my life is being taken over this.

I'm sorry to hear this, sounds similar except it's half of south east London contacting my DH!

I've been thinking overnight and may need to seek legal advice or phone age concern but could he sell his house and rent a social housing bungalow near to us? We live under a different local authority to him so he would be transferring in to a our area? I've got some lovely social housing bungalows opposite my house and a couple have been sitting empty for a while. Could he rent one of those do you think? Would that local authority agree to this? That way I can keep an eye on him.

OP posts:
Needaholidayyesterday · 18/02/2023 09:17

I had one of those ^^
My DF, he’s not old you know and doesn’t need help.

Try pulling back slowly and suggesting that he buy in help. NOT care. Don’t say that. A good gardener. A lady who cleans and makes lunches. Someone to practice French conversation with at home.

Whatever his interest are, sell it to him that way, then find a local probably self employed carer, home help, personal assistant who can pop in and check up on him, while doing a little bit of whatever he thinks he or she is actually there for.

As for the driving, write to DVLA and his GP.

If all that fails, it will take a crisis. It did with my DF. Maybe try being ill for a few weeks or months. Tell him you and DH have covid, or book a long holiday.

As awful as it sounds, you need to stop tiring yourselves pandering to an old man that doesn’t think he needs any help. A few months without you there at his beck and call will slowly get the message through.

Springintoabetterlife · 18/02/2023 09:17

Your power of attorney only applies when he is unable to make his own decisions. Your DH needs to talk to him about things in place now for ‘when’ your FIL gets old. He maybe more willing to accept that.

ChampagneCommunist · 18/02/2023 09:35

Springintoabetterlife · 18/02/2023 09:17

Your power of attorney only applies when he is unable to make his own decisions. Your DH needs to talk to him about things in place now for ‘when’ your FIL gets old. He maybe more willing to accept that.

Lawyer here: No, it doesn't. Unless he's specifically written it that way, which is very rarely done, as it massively complicates things.

Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:45

With regard to the lasting power of attorneys, the paperwork has been completed and sent off, so it's been 'lodged' but not 'activated' yet. That's my understanding.

OP posts:
Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 09:49

We've not had a proper sit down conversation with FIL, but he has been clear, in general conversation, over the years that he doesn't want to go into a care home.

Could we sell his house and see if the council will allocate him a social housing bungalow? He would obviously pay rent on this but I've got some opposite my house that would be ideal. Can we do this?

OP posts:
Adarajames · 18/02/2023 12:42

Why would you think someone well off enough to own a house should be allowed to rent one of the very very scarce social housing properties, especially an accessible one?! You known social housing is meant for those that cannot afford their own property? 😡

Eightiesgirl · 18/02/2023 12:52

@AAdarajames She's said that she's asking for advice, so why be so angry with her? She's already said the bungalows have been standing empty and she obviously doesn't know what the criteria is for getting one. Don't be so nasty to someone who is asking questions from the goodness of their heart!

aramox1 · 18/02/2023 12:53

I think you would need to find some accessible housing he could buy or rent privately. Try the Elderly Action Counsel website.

Original poster
FurCoatNoNickers · 18/02/2023 13:02

Adarajames · 18/02/2023 12:42

Why would you think someone well off enough to own a house should be allowed to rent one of the very very scarce social housing properties, especially an accessible one?! You known social housing is meant for those that cannot afford their own property? 😡

Why shouldn't he? Social housing is for everyone. Peoples needs change over time. Just to make you aware, people who live in social housing do actually pay their own rent out of their own pocket. Educate yourself.

OP posts:
FallonofDynasty · 18/02/2023 13:25

Re the social housing bungalows, worth speaking to the council about this, the worse they can do is say no.

SheilaFentiman · 18/02/2023 13:27

Would he consider a retirement complex/sheltered accommodation, if he is moving?

SheilaFentiman · 18/02/2023 13:29

Contact your own council, but this may be a good starting point

Housing

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2023 13:49

If he does move, I would really really encourage him to move as close to you as possible. Is there any kind of sheltered housing near you where there is a resident manager?

AnnaMagnani · 18/02/2023 13:55

Er no, he couldn't sell his house and get a social housing bungalow.

He could sell his house and buy his own bungalow/ground floor flat/sheltered flat

Social housing, especially with disabled access is ridiculously over-subscribed. He has no chance and would be sitting on the £1000s he gained from the sale of his house.

silverclock222 · 18/02/2023 14:00

AnnaMagnani · 18/02/2023 13:55

Er no, he couldn't sell his house and get a social housing bungalow.

He could sell his house and buy his own bungalow/ground floor flat/sheltered flat

Social housing, especially with disabled access is ridiculously over-subscribed. He has no chance and would be sitting on the £1000s he gained from the sale of his house.

Absolutely this OP really needs to educate themselves..

FallonofDynasty · 18/02/2023 14:00

And yet the Op has said that there are social housing bungalows near where she lives that have been empty a while... so obviously not ridiculously oversubscribed where she is.