Arraaggh am I an awful daughter?

[Meltinthemiddle]

My dad is 77 lives a alone (widow). He is definitely frailer and a few health issues but still drives etc. My teen son goes footie with him once a week. But long story short I work full time 5 days a week and I'm struggling to get my own life and house in order, weekends are normally filled with chores. When I finish my work I normally just want to get home unless having to do a shop because it's cold and dark and I'm knackered. I normally work term time, so today I arranged to go out for lunch with my dad and I just heard bout all these tests but nothing diagnosed, how he doesn't see my brother (who works but no family). And I just feel like I'm made to feel guilty because he goes for days without seeing someone. He also said he would tell ss/health professionals he doesn't have family down here because he knows he would get help if he needed it because me and my brother work..I've said if he really needed help or if it came to it would give my job up but I can't do that just because he's lonely. I know I don't spend alot of time with him, but my son sees him weekly doing something they both enjoy. I try and see him every holiday or message him. Its lways one way.

I assume your dad has all of his mental capacity and you say he can drive?
Then really it’s up to him to sort out his social life if he’s lonely.
What hobbies does he have, are there any suitable clubs nearby?
You need to bat this back to him, he’s not a child he needs to do as much as he can for himself.
Sorry I sound harsh but people need to make their own plans for old age rather than whine like a toddler.

No you're not awful. You're doing your best. My dad sounds the same, he's 76, lives alone, can also drive so is fully mobile but guilts me something wicked. I've had to get tougher with it though because of he had his way my life would revolve around him so I have to shake off the guilt. My dad is quite entitled though and constantly moans about ailments when there's nothing wrong him.
Same as my dad but he has a choice to socialise with other people and be more independant, join a club, try and find a companion. It's not your responsibility. Maybe I'm just cold and heartless but you have to be sometimes otherwise the guilt eats you alive.

If he is still able to get out and about then he doesn't really have an excuse. If he were housebound then I'd be a bit more concerned and speak to ss about getting him help (would be means tested I suspect). Don't allow him to make you feel guilty - see if there are any clubs or anything similar he can join locally - he can't expect everything to come to him!

You live nearby but only see him in the school holidays? I can kind of see his point. Could you not maybe increase it a bit to one visit a fortnight or every 3 weeks? Just a few hours each time.

I’ve had a similar issue with my mum (though she does have my dad). She complains she never sees me. I work full time during term time, I have three kids (two have severe special needs) and housework. I ring her at least three times a week and see her once if not twice a week and they come on holiday with me. Unlike my sibling who lives abroad, rings once a week and is absolutely miles away.

I think your dad needs to be responsible for his own happiness and activities.

Repeat after me:

"My dad's happiness is not my responsibility".

x10!

I have this same issue around guilt with ageing parents, but really, you have to live your life and you can't be all things to all people. You just can't. Your dad could be more proactive about having a better social life if he really wanted to, it sounds like he's still perfectly capable.

Going for 'days' without seeing anyone really shouldn't be a big deal. Plus he sees your son once a week - that's quite often! I go months without seeing my dad as we live far apart.

Stop putting so much pressure on yourself - it's not your job to keep him happy.

My mother is 82. Luckily she is in good health & lives within walking distance of shops etc (she doesn’t drive). She does voluntary work one morning a week, goes for a short walk most days, meets friends for coffee once a week. Tends to buy food daily rather than once a week (so another outing/chance to see people).

These are just routine things, she also goes on outings organised by retirement groups in the summer.

Your dad could definitely be doing more to keep himself active & occupied.

This. Just call by and have a cuppa on your way home from work. 30mins once a week minimum. Set an example for your dc that when you are old and frailty they will come and visit you.

Wow! You obviously care little for filial piety. What kind of daughter are you?

Time is a great leveller. You'll find out how harsh you've been.

To the Op, your father will not be around forever. Will you be pleased with yourself having this attitude? Why not have him around to your place on the weekends while you do your chores? He is your father after all.

Goodness me, the attitude towards aged parents is just dreadful.

I agree with little and often, but you're only human too and can only give what you've got.

Can you encourage him to join any organisations or activities? As he's still driving it sounds like it's a companionship rather than a care issue.

Could you try and do dinner once a week? Presume you are cooking anyway could he not drive over and eat with you?

Agree with this. My mum does 100% of the care for my ageing gran while her brothers 'live their lives'. Put their families, social lives and chores before her. It breaks my heart. You will have years ahead of you to be 'exhausted by your life' and do chores when he has died. Harsh but true.

An hour once a week shouldn't be too much effort, surely. Or could he come to you for supper once a week? Or do a zoom call with a cuppa for 20 minutes a couple of times a week.

You’re not awful but I think you could make time for him a little bit more often than you do. Once every six weeks for an elderly parent that lives nearby isn’t great tbh.

You can pop in once a week for a cuppa on the weekend, and your brother the same…

wouldn’t you want your son to do this for you when it’s you who is elderly and lonely? Did you dad not do plenty for you when you were growing up? Isn’t this what we all do for each other as a family? We are there for each other, in different ways as time passes and roles change?

He sounds like someone who would benefit from moving into a retirement living complex. He’d have his own apartment, but be able to join in with activities going on as and when he wants to.

Completely disagree, she doesn't need to martyr herself, she has agency.

So you live nearby but can go several weeks without seeing him at all?
Personally I think there could be some compromises made.
I would be trying to visit a bit more. Both you and your brother. But also trying to find some ways to encourage him to look for new friends.
I disagree that we are not responsible for our parents happiness at all.
If they have been good parents and we love them then I feel we do owe it to them to do what we can. Small sacrifices etc. I’m not saying give up your job and move him in but try and find a bit more time for him.

I think this is something your dad needs go take responsiblity for.

My dad is 76 and has a much busier social life than me. He has joined various local clubs, volunteers and helps out his neighbours when they need it. He has lots of friends, and interests, and this keeps him happy and fulfilled. He often says he wonders how he managed to work full time before as he's much busier now than ever before.

I plan to be the same as him when Im older too. I think a lot of it is mindset - if you want to be busy and meet people, you will decide to do things that will achieve this.

People who have all the time in the world to fill should not expect to spend it with those who don't.

An hour a week for a cup of tea and a chat isn't martyring herself. Can't wait for the AIBU in 30 years from now 'I never see my son - he only lives 5 minutes down the road from me, but never comes to see me.'

Honestly words like martyr and agency it’s once a week cup of coffee or a chat

No I’m just someone in my 60’s who has spent the last ten years of my life running myself ragged around elderly parents and in-laws who wouldn’t do anything for themselves just wanted to moan.
I believe we should all plan for our old age. Make sure we live in appropriate housing and have build up good social contacts.
Or should we just sit there like a whiny toddler and expect our adult children to care for us?

Crikey I feel guilty that I only drive an hour (and back) to see my sole aged parent (80s and can’t drive or walk to shops for example) twice a week to take her out for lunch and stay watching tv with her for 3 hours.