Arraaggh am I an awful daughter?

[Meltinthemiddle]

My dad is 77 lives a alone (widow). He is definitely frailer and a few health issues but still drives etc. My teen son goes footie with him once a week. But long story short I work full time 5 days a week and I'm struggling to get my own life and house in order, weekends are normally filled with chores. When I finish my work I normally just want to get home unless having to do a shop because it's cold and dark and I'm knackered. I normally work term time, so today I arranged to go out for lunch with my dad and I just heard bout all these tests but nothing diagnosed, how he doesn't see my brother (who works but no family). And I just feel like I'm made to feel guilty because he goes for days without seeing someone. He also said he would tell ss/health professionals he doesn't have family down here because he knows he would get help if he needed it because me and my brother work..I've said if he really needed help or if it came to it would give my job up but I can't do that just because he's lonely. I know I don't spend alot of time with him, but my son sees him weekly doing something they both enjoy. I try and see him every holiday or message him. Its lways one way.

OP you need to visit more. I would suggest at least once a week. With my DM I do little and often so I’m often only there for half an hour. I also regularly take her out for lunch/ dinner. She doesn’t like coffee or walks as she feels they are just too ‘small’ so we do less of that.

Like your DF , my DM endlessly compares me to friends / relatives children and finds me lacking. I don’t listen as I know I’m doing enough

It's hard to know OP if he is fit, healthy & well?

There can be huge variations at that age.

My mum is 80 & her walking/fitness is very poor, after years of barely being able to leave the house being a carer for my dad who had dementia.

Her BIL is also 80 & playing golf, going on holidays alone abroad. His health is good as he was not a carer & has been able to prioritise himself.

You mentioned something about tests OP - what are these exactly? I'd be finding out more.

Just aches and pains, rashes and now he is losing his voice but that happened years ago when he gave up smoking. Part of me thinks he is waiting to get diagnosed for something or get ill. He is just expecting the worse. He said the other day he couldn't book something ahead as he might drop dead tomorrow but I said he couldn't live like that. Jeeze I could drop down dead tomorrow for all I know. He was a member of the bowls team but said he can't manage it this year due to aches and pains. He also mentioned he doesn't want to have to get carers in or go in a home etc what do I say to that! I can't make promises. If he was ill I would my very best to care for him myself but I know lots of people who end up having to need care.

Lots of dreadful people here trying to guilt-trip the OP

It's your dad who has the problem, not you. It's not up to you to entertain him - he needs to do that for himself. I know plenty of active 70 somethings, who don't depend on their offspring for constant company.

My dad is late 80s, lost my mother just before the pandemic. He is less active than he once was but still fit. He has his own daily routine and interests and hobbies. He knows his neighbours and still has some social life outside the family. He never complains or makes demands on us, his children. None of us live close enough to pop over for a quick visit but we do go individually or together periodically - certainly not every week due to work and other commitments.

The guilt tripping on this thread is a poor show. There's plenty of other threads where people point out that seeing a relative once a week is quite a lot so I'm not sure why people are expecting it of the OP here, particularly when it sounds like her DF is hard work, and doesn't seem to put in much effort himself - OP could have another ten or more years of this ahead of her.

OP, I definitely wouldn't say anything that would make him think you're going to
become his carer when he's older - if he brings it up again maybe ask him what his plans are if he doesn't want a home or carers, and if he says he expects you to do it that gives you a chance to shut it down, if you want to?

Thanks for the replies, I will definitely up my visits and should he need care I will definitely do my best to care for him I'm not saying I would get carers in or put him in a home. But alot of time even with the best will in the world it's not always possible to do it without help. I think maybe he is depressed but he does need to keep going whilst he still can. If you haven't seen anyone then he should go out for a walk, coffee or pop in. I don't even think he enjoys my company if I'm honest, he has always been very much for my brother! But anyway I will try. Thank you.

And I hate to say this, but mid-70's is where it all starts to go a bit wrong. I hope not! I’m nearly there!

Sometimes elderly people have no idea what it's like working now - that compassionate leave is v limited and for specific circumstances. Are you sure about that? Thirty years ago I was unable to be with my mother in her final illness because I had to save my 5 days compassionate leave for death of a parent to help my father with the funeral.

Agree that working conditions at the lower end are appalling. No chance of a family get together because the minimum wage shift worker isn’t told his rota until the day before he has to work it.

It all depends of course but I wouldn't say mid 70s is generally "where it all starts to go a bit wrong". Not in my family anyway ... my inlaws are 76 and 81 are still entirely independent even though they live in a rural village with no shop.

My df was fit as a fiddle until he was diagnosed with cancer aged 80 and died at 81.

My dm was independent apart from some help with cleaning, gardening and online shopping until she was nearly 91.

I have 70 year old friends who don't have a single thing wrong with them.

I don't think anyone is guilt tripping OP. But she might get fewer complaints and pressure from her Dad if she just saw him a little bit more, given she lives very nearby. That would take some of the pressure off! She can put very clear boundaries in place right now about future care if she sees him and discusses things more often.

@LindorDoubleChoc - I'm speaking as a HCP.

Of course there are great variables at play between families, areas, social classes etc.

But that would be my experience.

Yep, it's very restricted now. We get one day's compassionate leave for a very limited list of relatives. And that's for when they die/funeral, not for any caring before that. The allowance is two days for a parent. It's more (rightly!) if someone loses a child. If anyone needs longer off they have to take annual leave or be off sick (if they're badly affected which TBH is most of us after a bereavement).

Meanwhile my Mum got 3 weeks compassionate leave just to clear out a relative (not close relative!)'s flat 25 years ago! So she thinks this is still the norm!

Meanwhile my Mum got 3 weeks compassionate leave just to clear out a relative (not close relative!)'s flat 25 years ago! So she thinks this is still the norm! It wasn’t the norm 25 years ago!!

I was working for a recognised “good employer”. As I said above we were allowed 5days for a parent - thinking about it , it may have been 5 days for a child, 3 for a parent, 1 for a grandparent. Nothing for aunts and uncles. That’s what annual leave was for.

Some things have improved in employment - annual leave, maternity leave, ability to complain about sexual harassment or bullying for example. General pressure, long hours, pay at the bottom, ability to fit a life around work seem to have got worse.

That said, my father’s generation started off by working Saturdays as well, though that may have just been a wartime thing. But of course many women didn’t work, especially once they had children, so were available for elder care.

I thought that a bit weird too!

It's odd that you only see him in the school holidays, when he lives locally. My mum is in a care facility a four hour return journey away, and my late MIL was a 5-6 return journey away. But I still get up early to see my mum for an hour every three weeks and get back by late lunchtime. And when my MIL was alive I did that trip every month, reducing a bit when she no longer knew me or got anything from my visits. I was just going for me.

I honestly think that you popping in for half an hour a week for a quick cuppa would make a huge difference to him without really taking too much out of your week.

I don't think you're an awful daughter at all. I'd see him at a frequency that works for you, and I wouldn't plan to leave my job to look after him later - how would you live then?

By the way, your teenaged son sounds great, taking/going with his granddad to the footie every week. I'd love to think that one of my grandkids would do something like that with me every week when they're a teen.

OP my advice still remains. If you do want to do a bit more, then do it on your own terms.

You work 5 days a week, so I can see why the "dropping in for a quick cuppa" on the way home from your stressful job, or at your well deserved weekend time doesn't suit.

As I say I would invite him over for a weekly meal. If he leaves straightaway or turns you down - well hardly your fault. I do agree that where people can, they should try to see elderly DPs relatively frequently, I don't agree that DP gets to dictate the format and location which is inevitably less convenient for the time pressed DC.

It's also lovely that his DGS sees him weekly - not many DGS would do that, so I'd also point out to him how nice it is that he gets that.

I agree with the posters saying make a regular arrangement, but one that is manageable for you. So dinner at yours every other week after he sees you son, or similar and a phone call once a week. That way you are doing your bit - but your brother should step up and do his bit too.

However, neither of you are responsible for making your dad happy. I'm in a similar position and it is challenging. I do my bit (1 visit and a phone call a week) my sister does the same, but it's still not enough apparently! However any suggestions that DF should join a club, getting a hobby etc are met with anger.

Op you are NOT an awful daughter. Ignore all the dreadful shamers on here. He is only 77!!
He is not housebound, he drives, can get out and socialise with friends/family when he wants so why the hell is it on you to pop in to him?! He can easily come visit you at your home.
And I'm thinking he's ramping this up now to guilt you into a caring role long before he needs it. Is he likely to expect care and housework from you so he doesn't have to pay?
Support him to get benefits maximised so he can pay for these tasks done.

Op you are NOT an awful daughter. Ignore all the dreadful shamers on here. He is only 77!!
He is not housebound, he drives, can get out and socialise with friends/family when he wants so why the hell is it on you to pop in to him?! He can easily come visit you at your home.
And I'm thinking he's ramping this up now to guilt you into a caring role long before he needs it. Is he likely to expect care and housework from you so he doesn't have to pay?
Support him to get benefits maximised so he can pay for these tasks done.

Thanks, I do see him outside of the holidays. He has come around for the footie etc. I guess because my son sees him and we see him in passing I feel like we have seen him. We don't have alot on common.

OP, my Dad the same age says that the problem is that the loneliness is there all the time, even just after someone has visited. He doesn't think we can solve it. I don't visit him as often as I could (other end of the country) or my mum who is close by, but has a husband.
I wonder if his GP surgery has a psychological wellbeing practitioner? This really helped my Dad.
I say think about what you are willing to do now or in the longer term without resentment, and your expectations (that he has to make an effort). Maybe more phone calls, not too many extra visits. I have signposted my dm to the social care list of homecare agencies (from light cleaning up to full care, means tested) and local schemes for getting to appointments. There is no way you can meet these needs and provide for yourself. People just expect daughters or females to, but life's not like that any more. The guilt tripping is unfair, tell him that will push you further away. Leave the choices to him as an adult with capacity, within what is available to him.

Op you mentioned a few times that if he needed it you would provide care for him. Is that something that you are really willing/wanting to do? Just because it sounds as if your relationship is difficult and so getting into a caring for situation might be very intense. I have been quite blunt with both my parents that I will never provide full-time care for them or have them live with me. Sounds awful but I’m just not prepared to do it! I’ll help every now and then, or do a weekly shop. I think it’s better to be honest and blunt than make expectations.

If you are happy to do care when needed then obviously ignore the above.

I think you need to step away from the emotions attached to the situation. Accept your dad is wanting something that you can’t give without causing yourself to be stressed. Maybe decide within yourself what level of support you are happy to give at the moment. Let him know what that is and then try (easier said than done) to not feel guilty. Your dad is still responsible for his own life and choice. Is he choosing to find activities and groups in the day to keep him
busy or is he choosing to stay at home? Is he choosing to come and fully join in when invited to your BBQ or is he choosing to eat and leave straight away.

point it is in not your sole responsibility to meet his needs. Repeat that in your head.

you have my sympathy though because it sounds like a difficult situation and like you are trying your best to balance a busy week.

I think there's nothing wrong with your schedule as it is tbh.

He isn't housebound, He has regular visits from your son, has offers to be fed ( by the women in the family ) and is rude when he takes up the offer and seems to be laying the guilt on you now because your brother has stopped his routine with your father.
By all means squeeze in a visit here and there but he sounds quite selfish to me and is already getting more out of you than he put into your relationship whilst growing up.