Arraaggh am I an awful daughter?

[Meltinthemiddle]

My dad is 77 lives a alone (widow). He is definitely frailer and a few health issues but still drives etc. My teen son goes footie with him once a week. But long story short I work full time 5 days a week and I'm struggling to get my own life and house in order, weekends are normally filled with chores. When I finish my work I normally just want to get home unless having to do a shop because it's cold and dark and I'm knackered. I normally work term time, so today I arranged to go out for lunch with my dad and I just heard bout all these tests but nothing diagnosed, how he doesn't see my brother (who works but no family). And I just feel like I'm made to feel guilty because he goes for days without seeing someone. He also said he would tell ss/health professionals he doesn't have family down here because he knows he would get help if he needed it because me and my brother work..I've said if he really needed help or if it came to it would give my job up but I can't do that just because he's lonely. I know I don't spend alot of time with him, but my son sees him weekly doing something they both enjoy. I try and see him every holiday or message him. Its lways one way.

Sorry, I am shocked at how little you see him. Loneliness is a terrible thing. You should make an agreement that brother goes to see him for a cup of tea weekly for half an hours, he comes over once a week for a meal and you pop in and see him for 30 mins once a week.
Does he go to the pub for a pint ever?
Step up- it will be you one day. I know it’s not easy, my mum is 82 and by herself. Thanks

Has he been a good dad to you? If so, could you not leave some chores and go see him at the weekend for an hour? Or put up with being a bit more tired to call in on your way home from work occasionally?

I can’t imagine putting housework before seeing an elderly parent if they were clearly lonely.

If he was a bad dad then you owe him nothing.

He also said he would tell ss/health professionals he doesn't have family down here because he knows he would get help if he needed it I don't think there will be much help forthcoming from SS.
Maybe you and your brother could arrange more of a schedule to visit your Dad so he sees you both regularly.
If seeing family is a chore I don't think you should be obligated to visit more frequently. I hope I will not be seen as a burden to my DC when/if I am elderly, and I hope they will visit because they choose to.

Sorry just catching up. Was my dad a good dad? I thought the sun shone out of my dad's ass as parents split when I was young so he was the fun parent but then he got married and out relationship changed. He was there for me but I never really asked him for anything. He has probably been a better grandad then dad. I was a navy wife, often alone and my mum was the only one who really was there so I spend more time with her. We have more in common, better company she never moans but she is married. The thing is like I said to him if he needed help I would help him but I can't just sack off work. My job isn't that flexible. It's like now he is alone and has all this time he forgets how busy life and work is. I didn't see him over Christmas as he went to my auntie for dinner, I did invite him. I had flu and barely left the house for 2 weeks. my son seems him weekly and they do tea together so I know he does have some company.

Also I think the other thing to add is my brother and dad were alot closer and spent more time together. However, my step mum died 5 years ago and then my brother started seeing someone so he doesn't see my dad. I have invited my dad around for BBQs etc and one time he literally came and ate and left straight away and I think it put me off as I thought it was rude same for one Christmas day. He ate his dinner and went. Then lockdown happened. What I'm trying to say is I have tried to but somewhere along the line I probably thought why bother. He still goes out but probably can't do the things he used to, but he could nip around for a cuppa. He did used to and then he just stopped. It's like he's waiting to die, worrying about being ill and just wallowing in things that haven't happened yet. I will try and make an effort, but he does need to stop moaning.

I've said if he really needed help or if it came to it would give my job up

Really, don't do this. @Meltinthemiddle

Looking after a widowed father will be an absolutely thankless task for which you would never be appropriately remunerated. You would definitely impact your earring power, impacting your self and your DC

Let him access all the help he claims is available. All the very best.

Thank you I will make more effort and visit him once a week or fortnightly. Like I said my only days off are weekends and most Saturdays he is at the footie with my son. I don't just see him in the hols btw but I make more time then to take him out for lunch. My DH and D's also go down and watch the footie now and then, whilst it's not always me I know my family do see him. It's probably because we don't have alot in common then he moans or if I invite him for tea he buggers off straight after so I feel he is being a bit rude.

That was unpleasant of him to say that. Downright nasty in fact. Emotionally manipulative.
Any decent father wouldn't let their adult DC give up their job for them. If he would, that says a lot about him. Any care should be paid for. It's what we save for all our lives. His attitude towards you is just dreadful.
The fact he wont be here forever doesn't give him the right to guilt trip you in the prime of your life when he's enjoyed the best of his. And you may not have years to enjoy after he's gone. My 69 year old DM run ragged by my 89 year old GM got six months!
What were his plans for coping as he aged?

@Meltinthemiddle I would see him more often, but try and do it in a way that is most convenient to you.

If you invite him over once a week or fortnight for dinner and he chooses to leave the minute it's finished- well that's on him.

I worked full time til 2 years ago…..I live 2 hour drive from my Mum…..I saw her at least for a full weekend every month…..in total probably 15 times a year…..I see her more now I’m part time…..I think you could make a bit more effort OP …..we all get tired 🙄

He sounds lonely and worried about his future, neither of which seem unreasonable given his age, the fact he lives alone, and neither of his children visit him often. I think it’s a great start that you’ve decided you could visit him more often. Encourage your brother to ask well, he will really appreciate you both having a bit more understanding for his position.

I don't think that's very much contact for someone who lives nearby.

Could you make a regular mid-week dinner after work? Where he comes to yours or you take a meal/takeaways.

Or weekend meal before/after he goes to football with your son?

Working full-time & being tired (unless you have a medical condition) are poor excuses.

If you work term-time only, don't prioritise domestic crap over seeing your elderly parent.

It doesn't sound like you enjoy his company though.

I have suggested tea before footie etc but he's already booked a meal. I think the big change has been my brother not seeing him as much, like I said they were alot closer so that's made eme realise maybe I need to make more effort. My dad can be quite rude and outspoken now he is older so yes I struggle with his company a bit more. Whereas my mum and me will do the theatre, cinema or lunch and just generally easier company.

If both you and your brother pick a evening, weekend day to go in for one hour each for a cuppa- it will make a world of difference to your dad. Your dad is lonely, feels cut off from the world. He's asking you for help. We all have busy lives, all have kids, all have to juggle chores and life- your situation is not unusual. Help him.

It really doesn't sound like you make much effort at all

This. Just call by and have a cuppa on your way home from work. 30mins once a week minimum. I would happily have done this if I could have got away in 30mins. As it was, it was 3-4 hours twice a week.

Set an example for your dc that when you are old and frailty they will come and visit you. I’ve always been conscious of this

It is of course up to you, but assuming there’s no history of abuse, I would have thought you could manage a short visit every couple of weeks or so. My son manages every two weeks and I am not alone, and with a full social life.

lovely that your son enjoys football with him

Thanks everyone, I will make more of a conscious effort. My dad does go to his sister's for lunch most Sundays, and out with a friend in the week so not totally alone or I would of visited alot more!
Another thing that annoyed me is he mentioned about how good my cousin was when my aunt had cancer and he took her to all the appointments etc.did this and that despite working. My cousin works high up in the council and has Flexi time. I'm not sure what my dad is hinting at, he probably wants me to give up work and do his cleaning and House work and drop him to the hospital. I know he has appointments and I have said if I'm not working I can pick him up or drop him off etc. But I can't just take time off! I have said get a taxi if he needs it. How do others manage these things if working?

Why not have an honest conversation with your dad about what he wants/needs?

Then see what you can realistically provide.

For example, if it's shopping he struggles with, perhaps he could do an online order & you pick it up & take it to him? Or perhaps Hello Fresh or Wiltshire farm foods?

Or offer to take him to appointments during school holidays.

My mum has a cleaner & gardener as she cannot manage these.

I help with finances, and get over as much as I can but live 1 hr away & am a full time working single parent with primary age DC.

And I hate to say this, but mid-70's is where it all starts to go a bit wrong. It will only get worse from here.

No real advice OP, but just to say that I understand. By the time I've finished work (and I'm only part time) I'm rushing to get back for the DC and worn out,so Id visit DM after the school run. No matter how often I did it there was no "popping" involved because she'd offload and complain for hours, so I'd literally lose the whole day just nodding along trying to provide solutions and getting shot down in flames. Once I was home she'd phone at least twice during the evening and my mood at this point would be so low that I'd think I was a dreadful person because I just didn't have any more to give.

I've realised that I can't give her what she desperately wants, which is to not be old. But what I can give is some kind of routine. My sister lives hours away, but rings every evening, just for 15 minutes, and she's worshipped for it. She does it from work so it's time restricted, but that knowing what's happening, and when, seems to be the key.

I now take her shopping once a week (hard hard work as I believe dementia is kicking in) Call in once a week after dropping DS at a sports club (so again ive a reason to leave) and when I'm driving alone I'll call her (my long commute is always the same day). I've no doubt that I'll have to step up far more over the next year, but in the meantime I'm doing what I can whilst trying to support her as best I can along with others who need me.

I posted about this a while ago! I was getting demands from my DM about taking her to hospital appts etc at a hospital 50 miles away. There were lots of suggestions on that thread that I found helpful. It's not your responsibility to get him to appts.

Sometimes elderly people have no idea what it's like working now - that compassionate leave is v limited and for specific circumstances. How difficult it can be to get annual leave etc.

If you want to increase visits then do, but if it's not going to work for you then there are plenty of other things he could be doing to meet with people. If it helps, I see my DM 3-4 times per year and phone her weekly. She moans about not seeing people but actually has a much more active social life than I do!

When he plays footie, is it just him and your son or are other people involved? If it is a club or something, can he go on his own?

You could investigate local activities, clubs etc in his areas of interest. However, be prepared to find he just doesn't want to do it. We bust a gut finding different things that my mother could have enjoyed if she had been open to them, but she just wouldn't do anything, and almost seemed happier complaining about how bored she was.

Also, might he be interested in moving to some sort of sheltered accommodation? There are good places where people live independently but there's someone on call in case of problems, and where they may have various activities on site which he can access easily.

So you think it's right that your mum has given up her life to care from your gran while her brothers get to live their own lives? You don't see any issue with that at all?

OP no one seems to have a problem with your brother not bothering with your dad any more even though it's him that your dad would rather spend the time with by the sounds of it. Why is that?

He could live for another 10 years but the little women should always be there huh. Be a good daughter and run along and give up your job and life now OP. You can just magically get it all back when he dies.

My mum is 80 and a bit like this. She will often repeat during a visit well I don’t really have anything much to say as I haven’t really been anywhere (which is true but she knocks back most invitations because she says she is anxious about leaving the house or has housework to do everyday) and hasn’t see anybody (which isn’t true as lots of family visit her at her house). I will now challenge her and say well did you not see (my sister, my niece, your brother, you saw me at the weekend) oh yes I forgot about that but they didn’t really have a lot to say either.

Whereas, her cousin 77 has just been on holiday to New Zealand for three months, still plays Badminton regularly and has a very busy social life (she has a lot of much younger friends) and you can barely shut her up (I love spending time with her or phoning her) life is what you make it.

In fact several posted including me, have said quite clearly that both siblings need to do more. Of course it should not be just the daughter.