Page 3 | Dealing with dramatic elderly MIL

Orangesandlemons77 · 2023-02-10T04:41:06+00:00

MIL was bereaved 2 years ago. We live nearby and I tried to help support her in the time after, meeting up and having her to stay sometimes, weekly for dinner etc. I have listened, over and over to details around the death and reassurred her she did all she could etc, I think it may be a way of getting over it the going over and over it all. I've just been there, being kind and supporting practically with various things as well. Thing is, recently I have been ill and unable to meet up quite as much (she had got used to meeting twice weekly) This isn't going down too well. I have had something quite nasty, a nast virus which takes a while to get over. GPs told me 5-6 weeks at least. It's really floored me and often just been in bed all day. I also have 2 DC who are older but still require support as well. Anyway I'm getting quite strong words from MIL. Things like I am lying around making it worse. It is disappointing I can't meet up as she was looking forward to it, an abrupt 'goodbye' and complaints about me staying home ot other family. I feel upset that I have been so patient and caring but when it comes to me being ill I can't 'do enough' I am NC with my own mother for various reasons and some of this is reminding me of that situation. Maybe I am taking it too personally. Any thoughts welcome.

ChaToilLeam · 10/02/2023 12:29

Seems like it has been very convenient for everyone, including your DH, for you to be running round after your MIL.

Your health comes first - it has to stop. And MIL certainly has shown her true colours. The care and concern you have shown is not reciprocated. How dare she criticise you!!

I agree with other posters, she’s been lining you up to be her carer. Well, now she’s been busted.

SkyHippoOnACloud · 10/02/2023 13:06

Regarding this

Oh, another thing I am getting is lots of snippy comments and criticism. Over everything from my shopping to cooking etc etc.

Pull her up on it every single time. Also operate three strikes and your out.

Eg you arrive with a new hairstyle to be greeted with "what on earth have you done to your hair?!". Ask if she meant to sound so rude and tell her you like your hairstyle. She makes you a cuppa and questions whether you really want two sugars in it. Tell her you're not on a diet and it's rude of her to insinuate you should be. You tell her about a work promotion and she responds with some nonsense about modern women and their fanciful ways, how in her day family was enough. You point out there's lots of benefits to working and these days one wage isn't enough, then you say you must be off now and leave. Because she's insulted you three times and you don't have to put up with that. Over time either she'll remember her manners and stop insulting you because she knows you'll leave if she does, or else you'll realise you don't like her, she's never going to change and there's no point in you visiting.

Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 13:59

Poochypaws · 10/02/2023 12:07

I feel every inch of your pain. My situation is my DM. Currently involved in looking after her. She has always been a very difficult, dramatic, needy, moody person. I get calls from social, her carers, age concern type people on a weekly basis. Telling me my mother is threatening suicide, is depressed, hasn't seen a soul all week (aye right!!), or some other problem.

Today I had social on the phone as she was crying to them she was suicidal and god forbid she had toothache. They were most concerned nobody was attending to her. I told them I took her to dentist this week and they offered her an extraction which she declined. Yesterday I had to fetch her antibiotics for same tooth. Next week I have her another appointment to go back to dentist for extraction. The chaos she causes is just unbelievable.

We have an appointment booked in for her GP as she wants to discuss stopping her heart tablets and going onto pallative care (won't happen, she has talked about doing this about 12 times and always cancels). She likes the attention.

She is on antidepressants, being assessed by the mental health team next week. Her GP thinks she has a personality disorder.

She has carers going into her house 4 times a day that do personal care, make meals, give her medication. A friend takes her out once a week and another day visits and does housework. I go up several times a week normally to take her to one of her many, many appointments. We both do shopping for her, take her to bank, cover all her admin for her. She is on waiting lists for care homes even though social do not think she needs this. She has an idea she will be waited on hand and foot in the care home so this appeals to her. She goes to OAP club twice a week and had a befriender until recently (she got withdrawn because she was getting taken advantage of)

In 2020 I was seriously ill with covid. Very breathless. She screamed blue murder when I tried to stop calling her when ill. She demanded her twice a day calls still and I did them because it was easier than dealing with the screaming.

She has had social in her house when she told them she had no food and no money. Social visited and phoned me confused because of course she had both. She was low on fresh food only because she had only returned from staying with me for a week and I still had to get her shop delivered.

She called the police and told them nobody was taking her to my dads funeral (I was taking her). She was banned by her GP for calling ambulances when she felt lonely or wanted company.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, rather I wanted you to feel you were not alone. Others out there are going through the same issues. Advice others have given you is correct. You need to say I understand you're not happy with the service you are getting (yes sarcasm) so I wish you luck make alternative arrangements. If she tries to take it back just say no I can see it isn't working for either of us. Believe me if it was not my mother I would do this. My situation is different in so far as I am paid to help my mother out and I am "retired" (no life except dealing with her).

I am tougher with her now than i used to be but I always think outside people must be shocked at how 'unmoved' I am when they call when to tell me my mother is sobbing and threatening suicide (almost certainly based on a made up reason). I want to tell them, I should be so lucky but it seems that answer is unacceptable!

Blimey, yours sounds very difficult. I recommend the website called Out of the FOG, bless you.

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Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:01

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 10/02/2023 11:24

The irony of MIL saying you've "made a rod for your own back" in looking after your DS's! You've made acrid for your own back in being so available to and looking after her.

She is an adult and can equally manage her own life. She can ring DH direct . She has 3 DCs she can ask.

I'd be inclined to politely say those things politely to her if she becomes critical of you.

If she texts you asking for DH to do jobs, text her back his number each time "this is DHs mobile number, is better you text to ask him direct. Im sure tell see it tonight after work". "
I'm ill and this is too much"
"My GP has told me to cut down in stress and to rest for my own health. I can't continue doing what I was"
"You'll need to ask your friends or DH if they can help, I am too ill and have to rest"

It's not rude to text back "I'm ill/too busy/ I can't" especially when MIL had no qualms in texting you with demands and is criticising you for not doing her favours or being there constantly for her to detriment if your sanity stress levels and health, (when she's not there for you!)

After two years of supporting her a LOT you can step back and say I've done my bit when she needed me and need to have a break and rest now for my health . You've a family to care for and your own house to run despite being ill yourself, that's enough.

MIL won't be happy regardless, and that's tough , anyone criticising you is perfectly welcome to go out if they'd eat and either pay for help for her , help her pay for her own handyman/ social emotional support or whatever, or do the support themselves.

To your DH I would say "I'm glad you recognise you feel sorry for your mum, she is your mum, so if you feel she needs company, off you go.."

(He'll soon come down on your side)

These ideas are really useful, thank you

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Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:03

SkyHippoOnACloud · 10/02/2023 13:06

Regarding this

Oh, another thing I am getting is lots of snippy comments and criticism. Over everything from my shopping to cooking etc etc.

Pull her up on it every single time. Also operate three strikes and your out.

Eg you arrive with a new hairstyle to be greeted with "what on earth have you done to your hair?!". Ask if she meant to sound so rude and tell her you like your hairstyle. She makes you a cuppa and questions whether you really want two sugars in it. Tell her you're not on a diet and it's rude of her to insinuate you should be. You tell her about a work promotion and she responds with some nonsense about modern women and their fanciful ways, how in her day family was enough. You point out there's lots of benefits to working and these days one wage isn't enough, then you say you must be off now and leave. Because she's insulted you three times and you don't have to put up with that. Over time either she'll remember her manners and stop insulting you because she knows you'll leave if she does, or else you'll realise you don't like her, she's never going to change and there's no point in you visiting.

How did you guess she makes comments about diets etc? (she does, and comments about women being 'big' 'tiny' etc)

Thanks, all v. useful

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Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:04

Kind of reminds me of the school rules, 3 strikes and a detention!

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Tirednest · 10/02/2023 14:07

It's nice that she relies on you, but you should definitely encourage your dh to do more in the way of support. I'm in a similar boat but I love my MIL so it doesn't bother me (not saying you don't OP just that I'm in a minority on Mnet for actively liking my MIL)

larchforest · 10/02/2023 14:13

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 07:48

Thanks, good plan. Especially as she is so rude about my illness. It is a virus, the recent things but I also suffer with depression and had rude comments about that.

For example 'what have you got to be depressed about" "anti depressants are addictive' that kind of thing.

Show quote history

No wonder you are feeling depressed at times. You have been her bereavement counsellor for two years. It is hard enough for trained professionals to be able to do that, let alone for a family member to support someone for that long.

Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:54

Thanks for all your replies. Maybe this thread will be of use to others with similar elderly parents. /in laws.

It's making me think about what DH said the other day, "Maybe she feels she has only got you to turn to"

I wondered what he meant and why that would be the case.

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Tirednest · 10/02/2023 14:56

Isn't it obvious what he means?

Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:56

I suppose he might mean with him being busy / working (also a bit impatient with chatting / talking at times), one sister being abroad and the other bereaved. I suppose.

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Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:57

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 14:56

Isn't it obvious what he means?

Yes I think it is. Sorry i am actually a bit dopey right now as dosed up on pain meds and antivirals. Just had a sleep which helped a little. Not just being facetious.

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Original poster

Orangesandlemons77 · 10/02/2023 14:58

Tirednest · 10/02/2023 14:07

It's nice that she relies on you, but you should definitely encourage your dh to do more in the way of support. I'm in a similar boat but I love my MIL so it doesn't bother me (not saying you don't OP just that I'm in a minority on Mnet for actively liking my MIL)

It's good you have a nice relationship with your MIL. I may be one myself one day!

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