Dealing with dramatic elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

MIL was bereaved 2 years ago. We live nearby and I tried to help support her in the time after, meeting up and having her to stay sometimes, weekly for dinner etc.

I have listened, over and over to details around the death and reassurred her she did all she could etc, I think it may be a way of getting over it the going over and over it all.

I've just been there, being kind and supporting practically with various things as well.

Thing is, recently I have been ill and unable to meet up quite as much (she had got used to meeting twice weekly)

This isn't going down too well.

I have had something quite nasty, a nast virus which takes a while to get over. GPs told me 5-6 weeks at least. It's really floored me and often just been in bed all day.

I also have 2 DC who are older but still require support as well.

Anyway I'm getting quite strong words from MIL. Things like I am lying around making it worse. It is disappointing I can't meet up as she was looking forward to it, an abrupt 'goodbye' and complaints about me staying home ot other family.

I feel upset that I have been so patient and caring but when it comes to me being ill I can't 'do enough'

I am NC with my own mother for various reasons and some of this is reminding me of that situation. Maybe I am taking it too personally.

Any thoughts welcome.

She sounds depressed & lonely, does MIL have any friends or hobbies?

If the loss is something she keeps going over it, perhaps professional breavement counselling could help her.

I am speaking from experience, the worst thing you can do is have a set day, as that then becomes a routine that MIL will consider set in stone, and it may not always be convenient for you.

you sound a lovely supportive DIL, but sometimes you need to put yourself first

Good luck

She has been offered but treatment for depression and grief counselling from the GP but she told them she talks to DIL about that.

However the GP did say she knew MIL would say no to anti-ds but if she needs this even if it is in years to come please get back in touch.

So she does have a supportive GP.

She does have friends and hobbies yes. I agree about the set day etc, not sure how that happened.

Could your DH step in here and talk to her to encourage her to go back to her doctors?

You need to be a bit blunt with him, tell him you have to put your own health and looking after your DCs first and step back a lot from MIL visits and calls. I'm actually a little bit angry with him that he has been prepared to sacrifice your health for MILs for such a long period.

I don't think DH knows quite what she can be like. She is different around others. Good point though.

Sadly I think she is taking advantage of me being kind regarding her bereavement and then using that closeness to her advantage. But I am wise to it now.

I think you have a DH problem.

And, politely, what kind of role modelling is this for your own DC? Do they think men are busy with work so women do this tuff? S

Your main priority is to be well. Ignore mil for now. Remember that she's not actually your mother, but your husband's. When I recovered I'd only set one day a month for her, not 2 days a week. All phone calls go straight to your husband, and not to be passed onto you. Set healthy boundaries to begin, after your illness.

Good point (about DH). He tends to say thing like he can't sit about drinking coffee all day (with MIL)

We got into this pattern where at the weekend he will take the DC out or do jobs while I take MIL for coffee. It's actually easier with her out and about rather than staying in though.

I might start going out to meet friends myself those days so he has to deal with her. Sometimes actions speak louder than words! (although I will speak to him too)

Another thing I need to deal with is she can ask for help from him, through me.
For example she will ring me and ask can DH do X.

i have started saying she needs to ring him and ask. Something else I am doing is not always answering the phone to her every time. She knows his number.

Although to be honest it is me who has done this, without being asked, I did feel sorry for her after FIL died and to start with it was me asking / arranging things. Nothing to do with DH.

DH has also commented that it's a bit strange me being so freindly with his mum and he feels a bit odd about it. He asked me how I would feel if he got really pally with my mum. Which made me think.

I just need to step back a bit, and shouldn't have got so involved in the first place.

Thanks, good plan. Especially as she is so rude about my illness. It is a virus, the recent things but I also suffer with depression and had rude comments about that.

For example 'what have you got to be depressed about" "anti depressants are addictive' that kind of thing.

OP is there any reason why you go to hers and she doesn't come to you? She should be trying to help you, even in small ways, while you're poorly.

She does come to ours, but she likes to go out for coffee too.

She is a hoarder so impossible to visit

You’ve been really kind and I agree that OH should step up; I’m afraid many men don’t see what is needed and/or try not to see it!However I can’t but feel sorry for MIL.As an older woman myself probably facing being alone at some time. I understand her need to feel she is loved by her family which she may think should be shown by spending time with her and although she has friends, going through the last days of her husband’s life is possibly not something she feels she can share with friends.I’ve noticed this need to revisit with other bereaved people.it seems to be a comfort.

I was fine with her going through the death etc and have listened etc
reassured etc

But she needs to be kind to others not critical and judgemental she can't have it both ways really.

The irony of MIL saying you've "made a rod for your own back" in looking after your DS's! You've made acrid for your own back in being so available to and looking after her.

She is an adult and can equally manage her own life. She can ring DH direct . She has 3 DCs she can ask.

I'd be inclined to politely say those things politely to her if she becomes critical of you.

If she texts you asking for DH to do jobs, text her back his number each time "this is DHs mobile number, is better you text to ask him direct. Im sure tell see it tonight after work". "
I'm ill and this is too much"
"My GP has told me to cut down in stress and to rest for my own health. I can't continue doing what I was"
"You'll need to ask your friends or DH if they can help, I am too ill and have to rest"

It's not rude to text back "I'm ill/too busy/ I can't" especially when MIL had no qualms in texting you with demands and is criticising you for not doing her favours or being there constantly for her to detriment if your sanity stress levels and health, (when she's not there for you!)

After two years of supporting her a LOT you can step back and say I've done my bit when she needed me and need to have a break and rest now for my health . You've a family to care for and your own house to run despite being ill yourself, that's enough.

MIL won't be happy regardless, and that's tough , anyone criticising you is perfectly welcome to go out if they'd eat and either pay for help for her , help her pay for her own handyman/ social emotional support or whatever, or do the support themselves.

To your DH I would say "I'm glad you recognise you feel sorry for your mum, she is your mum, so if you feel she needs company, off you go.."

(He'll soon come down on your side)

How old is she?

79?

So basically she has at least two children who can answer the phone on the household issues, she has offers of help from the GP but instead is expecting the you and your bereaved SiL to live your lives around her despite your own problems?

Relationships are two way. Being bereaved is tough and takes time whoever the bereaved, like anyone else suffering do not get a free pass on being an arse, especially to family who are themselves bereaved or ill. Your DH and his other sibling(s) need to step up and if needs be guide her back to the GP to take the help offered.

I feel every inch of your pain. My situation is my DM. Currently involved in looking after her. She has always been a very difficult, dramatic, needy, moody person. I get calls from social, her carers, age concern type people on a weekly basis. Telling me my mother is threatening suicide, is depressed, hasn't seen a soul all week (aye right!!), or some other problem.

Today I had social on the phone as she was crying to them she was suicidal and god forbid she had toothache. They were most concerned nobody was attending to her. I told them I took her to dentist this week and they offered her an extraction which she declined. Yesterday I had to fetch her antibiotics for same tooth. Next week I have her another appointment to go back to dentist for extraction. The chaos she causes is just unbelievable.

We have an appointment booked in for her GP as she wants to discuss stopping her heart tablets and going onto pallative care (won't happen, she has talked about doing this about 12 times and always cancels). She likes the attention.

She is on antidepressants, being assessed by the mental health team next week. Her GP thinks she has a personality disorder.

She has carers going into her house 4 times a day that do personal care, make meals, give her medication. A friend takes her out once a week and another day visits and does housework. I go up several times a week normally to take her to one of her many, many appointments. We both do shopping for her, take her to bank, cover all her admin for her. She is on waiting lists for care homes even though social do not think she needs this. She has an idea she will be waited on hand and foot in the care home so this appeals to her. She goes to OAP club twice a week and had a befriender until recently (she got withdrawn because she was getting taken advantage of)

In 2020 I was seriously ill with covid. Very breathless. She screamed blue murder when I tried to stop calling her when ill. She demanded her twice a day calls still and I did them because it was easier than dealing with the screaming.

She has had social in her house when she told them she had no food and no money. Social visited and phoned me confused because of course she had both. She was low on fresh food only because she had only returned from staying with me for a week and I still had to get her shop delivered.

She called the police and told them nobody was taking her to my dads funeral (I was taking her). She was banned by her GP for calling ambulances when she felt lonely or wanted company.

I didn't mean to make this all about me, rather I wanted you to feel you were not alone. Others out there are going through the same issues. Advice others have given you is correct. You need to say I understand you're not happy with the service you are getting (yes sarcasm) so I wish you luck make alternative arrangements. If she tries to take it back just say no I can see it isn't working for either of us. Believe me if it was not my mother I would do this. My situation is different in so far as I am paid to help my mother out and I am "retired" (no life except dealing with her).

I am tougher with her now than i used to be but I always think outside people must be shocked at how 'unmoved' I am when they call when to tell me my mother is sobbing and threatening suicide (almost certainly based on a made up reason). I want to tell them, I should be so lucky but it seems that answer is unacceptable!

I’d use this illness to set some boundaries, one of the posters response was really good. Tell your DH exactly what she’s like. Tell her you need to recover as per GP advise and then you won’t have set days going forward. Why should you give up family time to take her out when she sees you as the assistant?

Oh and my DM is also very free with compliments, gifts etc as long as she is getting all her own way. If you say no, the above chaos starts. Sounds similar to your MIL, all sweetness and light while you do what she wants but try to say no and you will see another (scary and nasty) side to her. Her public face is sweet old lady, her real face is tough as nails and I love me!

I'm sure you have thought this through but changes in personality can be quick and surprising. My MIL is similar age and situation. We were taken aback when she started to be petulant about things that wouldn't have phased her in the past. It was only when we saw that change that we stepped back and realised how much she has aged in the last year. Aging can present very much like childishness.

But what you can't do is amend your behaviour or be pushed into that default position, so I hope you find a way to restore the balance. I'm afraid it will probably mean you having to be the bad guy for a while and sticking to it, while others step up.

You need to step back. She's taking you for granted and being quite rude. You're not staff failing to do your contracted hours. Have a think about what time you feel able and willing (that part is important, you're under no obligation to do any of this) to give to her and be firm about giving no more. You don't mention time to yourself to do the things you want to do? You're allowed to do more than recover and support your DC.

Family shouldn't be telling you about these complaints of hers, it's insensitive of them. Tell them to stop. They should have your back and stick up for you with MIL, everyone should be reminding her she's not entitled to your time.

When you do speak with her, don't take responsibility for her feelings. If she is annoyed you can't spend more time with her that's her feelings to deal with, you don't have to keep listening to it and can tell her to stop going on at you.

Good luck with your recovery. When you feel better you don't have to return to how things were before, you can choose to do things differently. She's treating you like a resource, not a human being. Perhaps she could pay for someone from a befriending service to pop over at regular times twice a week and listen to her endless moaning and repetitive talking things through? She sounds as though she'd appreciate the formality and predictability of such a service. Always dwelling on bad things will etch them onto her consciousness not help her get over them, you needn't be part of her self-torture.

A lot of people are lovely as long as you are doing what they want.
I (thought I) had a great relationship with my MIL until I said no to something and she just flipped her bitch switch on.
Even when she tries to be nice to me now I am civil but that’s it, I have seen how nasty she can be when she doesn’t get her own way and I am not interested in a relationship with her any more