Dealing with dramatic elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

MIL was bereaved 2 years ago. We live nearby and I tried to help support her in the time after, meeting up and having her to stay sometimes, weekly for dinner etc.

I have listened, over and over to details around the death and reassurred her she did all she could etc, I think it may be a way of getting over it the going over and over it all.

I've just been there, being kind and supporting practically with various things as well.

Thing is, recently I have been ill and unable to meet up quite as much (she had got used to meeting twice weekly)

This isn't going down too well.

I have had something quite nasty, a nast virus which takes a while to get over. GPs told me 5-6 weeks at least. It's really floored me and often just been in bed all day.

I also have 2 DC who are older but still require support as well.

Anyway I'm getting quite strong words from MIL. Things like I am lying around making it worse. It is disappointing I can't meet up as she was looking forward to it, an abrupt 'goodbye' and complaints about me staying home ot other family.

I feel upset that I have been so patient and caring but when it comes to me being ill I can't 'do enough'

I am NC with my own mother for various reasons and some of this is reminding me of that situation. Maybe I am taking it too personally.

Any thoughts welcome.

Sorry, I didn't really explain about the dramatics. I am not meaning she is being dramatic about the bereavement.

It is that she will ring over household problems in a state 'what shall we do' and expect me to jump in and help her. I try to encourage her to do things herself.

I guess it is all difficult as she had always lived with FIL since a teenager.

I have chronic illness myself and it is quite stressful. I notice there are 3 children but it seems to be me who is turned to for support.

What is your DH doing? Is he spending enough time with her? He needs to have a firm word with her, remind her of how much you have done for her but are currently unwell and need to rest.

Goodness. A lot to unpack here. I don’t think you are taking it too personally at all. My first thoughts are that assuming your MIL is able to get out and about that she has not offered to help you whilst you’ve been ill? That really isn’t on.

Does your DH/DP have any other siblings? do they visit her? I think it is time for your spouse to step up and point out to their mother that you are entitled to rest when ill. And help her out if needed. And also the same to the wider family. It does sound as if they are happy for you to be doing the running around so they don’t have to. I’d also be dropping the rope when you are better.

Thanks, He is self emplyed and quite busy with work. But yes you are right it is his mum after all, not mine.

Yes, there are 2 other siblings, but one lives abroad and the other was also bereaved as well in recent years so that has affected things as well.

It seems I have been the one 'around' and MIL has got used to that. Starting to think maybe should not have been so accommodating.

It's bringing back momories of how I was treated by my own mum. Maybe part of me also thought if I didn't have a good relationship with my own mum, maybe I would with MIL. But that seems to be going down a similar path.

Oh, another thing I am getting is lots of snippy comments and criticism. Over everything from my shopping to cooking etc etc.

I think maybe you are overcompensating for the relationship with your mother and ignoring the fact that the one you have with your MIL is a one-way street?

If anyone else criticised you like this, I expect you’d tell them to FO. Why are you letting her verbally berate you? Just because it is your DH’s mother? I get the sense she’s trying to push your buttons to guilt you into doing her bidding. You need to put your own health first so be firm as I expect your illness is directly related to all of this.

I’d try a call that says, “look, you have 3 kids. Why is it that everything falls to me to sort? I’m not well and despite me doing everything for you over the past two years, you’ve not so much offered to help me out or pop over with a bunch of flowers to see how I am. Then I find out that you have been slagging me off to other family members. Do you realise how upsetting to me that is? Enough is enough. I’m not well and I will see you when I am feeling better” Then stand back.

Absolutely this ^
She either doesn't realise how she's being so needs to be told (being selfish in old age/bereavement) or she does but thinks she can get away with it and is enjoying having something of interest going on, in the form of dramatics.
Tell her straight.

You need to tell her she's being hurtful!
You are a human being, not her emotional support animal!
It's hardly a reciprocal loving relationship if she doesn't give a shit that you're sick, and is actually annoyed that you aren't spoiling her with attention. Awful.

Thanks for the replies.

I mean, I didn't put up with it from my own mother did I (similar)

I think, part of me was hoping for this nice relationship with MIL to make up for the problems with my own mum.

And to start with MIL was quite 'nice' but now revealing her true colours.

I have done a bit of reading e.g. Out of the FOG site with my own mum. So yes can use some if these ideas here.

Put yourself first. Hope you feel better soon.

I'm sorry you've been hit with a horrible virus, but it might be an ideal time to start making a few changes in how you spend your time and energy. Don't give in to pressure from her to neglect your own recovery. You owe it to yourself and children to prioritise getting well. These viruses can absolutely knock you down and if you don't rest properly, can end up being more serious long term.

Be prepared for her to get pushy. Some older people can be very selfish, even when they've been reasonable all their lives. She wants you to be there for her, regardless of your other needs and priorities.

Time for other family members to step up a bit more. The son/daughter who was bereaved might find it a positive thing for themselves to give their mother more support. Either way, it's a necessary thing for them to engage with. Your husband needs to make time too for his mother. As time goes on, she is likely to need more involvement from her family and now is a good time to get them used to including her in their lives.

When it comes to family care, too often a daughter-in-law will end up taking on a full support role, regardless of her own life. In some societies it's explicitly expected, but even where it isn't, it can become a gradual dependence situation to the exclusion of other family members.

You have a genuine reason now for being less available for her. Don't be afraid to stand your ground!

I agree. Yes in fact the illness can be triggered by stress physical or emotional, GP says it will take about 5-6 weeks at least to get over.

I am also friends with the recently bereaved SIL. Who feels the same, so it is not just me.

MIL seems to want to see each of us twice weekly and on certain days.

I understand it is hard missing her husband etc she has been offered counselling and support from the GPs which she could take up too.

But she told the GP "I speak to DIL about that so I don't need it"

A lesson to me, perhaps not to be so gullible. I feel a bit used.

I don't see why DH can't step up and in the process tell MIL that Oranges is not well at the moment and that she needs to call him not you. Which she won't because 'poor' DS works so hard etc Or suggest the other sibling.
And once you are doing less make sure you continue that way.

Absolutely need to shut down her plans to replace medical support with you. It's a slippery slope, OP!

Good point. Maybe he doesn't want to be called. And I agree there are others around. Even the one abroad - I mean MIL could go and see her but 'doesn't want to travel' to see her.

Something I do get is a lot of flattery / compliments including bringing gifts when I do see her. Which I note from Out of the FOG can be something called 'hoovering' a way of keeping you in line.

So I'm going to use your suggestions and also some of the help off that site such as 'grey rock' detachment.

I oddly find it harder with MIL than with my own mum. Maybe it is because she is closer physically / practically and also it impacts DH too.

But yes it is his mum, he needs to deal

Thanks to you all for writing so late at night, up worrying about it all

You are not taking it too personally OP. You sound like you’ve been a saint with her and have done far more than I ever would have.

In a round about way she has done you a massive favour. She’s shown her true colours so you can back off now instead of potentially having many more years of it as she gets older, grumpier and probably unwell.

The bottom line here is this is for your DH to sort out. It’s his mother. It absolutely infuriates me that it’s always left to women to shoulder the burden. Your DH needs to step up and sort this out. Don’t tiptoe around her for fear of upsetting her because it’s clear that she doesn’t give two hoots about upsetting you.

This must be hurtful OP - you thought you had developed a nice relationship with her, but it seems that it was conditional on you playing a certain role. I agree with getting your DH involved - he can tell her that you have been really ill and she needs to let you recover. It sounds like you already have some tools for dealing with MIL which is good - but it's still sad, as you were hoping you wouldn't have to use them. Put yourself and your immediate family first for a few weeks. Then have a think about how available to make yourself going forwards.

Yes I know why is it the woman's work to deal with this stuff.

I get a few comments from DH about how he feels sorry for her, even things like maybe I am the only one she feels she can turn to

And she has said some things to him as well, referring to me as 'the support' and even 'the assistant' (when I was helping with some things from her previous business)!

A bit worrying really, like pushing me into these 'roles'.

And then there has been me, without my own mum and maybe hoping for more of a 'mum' relationship, and then of course there can be this feeling of 'helping others' being rewarding in a way.

But yes it is a bit of an eye opener isn't it.

Even if she had falsely tried to act supportive / caring over my health stuff I might have been more likely to be supportive in return. But just acting like this has done her no favours really.

Jeez, OP. The assistant?! How dare she? That told you all you needed to know about what she thinks if you.

Be thankful that this has opened your eyes to what she’s really like. Assistant. Support. You were being lined up to be her carer further down the line. You need to step right back from this situation and let her children step up to the plate. Good luck 💐

You really need to change your relationship now while she is still able - once she really cannot manage her life you will be run ragged ‘supporting’ her ie her entertainer, cleaner, cook, nurse etc

Not sure what age MIL is, but have experienced something similar from DM in last couple of years. My role is apparently to listen sympathetically to her list of thankfully minor ailments that she has many, many appointments for.

When I had Covid and was in no state to talk, she kept on talking and texting and phoning even when I had told her not to. I was unable to phone recently because I was just too stressed at work and she snapped and said I needed to get myself sorted out.She never used to be like that, so it's an age thing in her case.

For you I agree, you need to step back, but try not to take it to heart. You tried to do your best, it's a shame she can't appreciate your great effort so don't keep on doing it.

“So sorry that my ill health has inconvenienced you. I completely understand that you’re going to find someone else to run your errands and such. We’ll talk in a month or so.”

I’d also tell your husband that you resign as his mom wrangler.

I will.

Interestingly she knows I am NC with my mum and keeps commenting on this.

"Don't you feel guilty?" "You should get in touch. You'll feel really bad if anything happens to her"

This has been said several times.

I wonder if she is thinking O might do the same with her and / or reminding me it is a daughter's 'duty' to step up..

Hmm it is starting to making sense now.

I have been having comments about the DC too as now they are older and 'need to be more independant' I "should not be cooking for them" I'm "making a rod for some poor woman's back" (their future wives I guess)- I wonder if this is implying I would have more time for her if I was doing less for them.

I might be reading too much into these things - perhaps not. Lots to think about.

I mean I was firm by going NC with my own family and that has actually helped me. So I have the ability to be firm if needs be.

I not "O"