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Elderly parents
Original poster

Death of my wife

51 replies

Poppy6057 · 02/02/2023 21:37

Do I need help

My wife of 42 yrs died in June aged just 62
We had worked together 24 hrs a day seven days a week for 42 yrs.
As you can imagine I’m finding life unbearable due to my loss, not only coping the loss of my wife but with an unbearable problem now occupying my mind every waking day. HER PARENTS who,I believe are now over 80 yrs. old but in no way infirm.
We lived abroad for the 42 years of our marriage in France where she contracted Cancer four yrs ago.

For all of this time we had a wonderful relationship with her family, never a cross word or any falling out. I considered myself another son to her parents.
They had visited us in France and other countries in Europe almost every yr for 40 yrs often making more than one visit per yr. We looked so forward to each visit to have once again family around us.

Six months before her death I was obliged to contact her parents to ask them to phone their daughter as it was many weeks since any contact between them.

For the last six months of her life they made no visits to see their eldest daughter, no phone calls as to the current condition of my wife. They obtained updates through my wife’s younger sister who did in fact make several visits to be with her.
Although being mobile but with some health problems there was no suggestion by them of a visit to their dying daughter.
Again I made contact suggesting Train travel as well as Air travel with assistance as their daughter needed to see them one more time before her expected death.

My wife’s only concern was not to worry her parents with any truthful news of her condition.
Finally my wife died asking just the one time where were her parents.

The fact that her parents never made the effort to see their dying daughter has been making me absolutely paranoid looking for answers which have never been offered to me by any member of her family consisting of the parents, two brothers and a sister, as to why her Mum and Dad never visited or showed any visible concern to me or my son.

To this day never offering any condolences to me and never having any direct contact with me.

This situation is now taking precedence in my life and it shouldn’t be while trying to mourn my loss, I am continually looking for answers which are not forthcoming.

Am I being excessively paranoid, initially I was in contact with her sister after my wife’s death but now nothing for weeks.

Should I seek professional help.?

Please excuse my using this platform but wasn’t happy expressing my problem on other media outlets.

OP posts:
TheEarlofButties · 02/02/2023 21:41

I’m so sorry for your loss and the terrible situation you have found yourself in. Perhaps they are just mourning the loss of their daughter and sister though it does seem extremely insensitive not to contact you. Have they any reason to be upset with you?

Outtasteamandluck · 02/02/2023 21:43

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Do you think you are focusing on their non visit as a way of avoiding the grief ?

Maybe they have buried their heads in the sand as a way of coping. I imagine no parent wishes to outlive their child.

Yes they should have visited and maybe they will only ever be the ones to know why they didn't. And to live with the decision.

TheEarlofButties · 02/02/2023 21:43

You do not sound paranoid to me but counselling may help you come to terms with your loss and this sad situation.

Original poster
Poppy6057 · 02/02/2023 21:44

No reason at all. As I stated we passed over 40 yrs with never a problem.
Thank you for taking the trouble to reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppy6057 · 02/02/2023 21:45

Thankyou

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 02/02/2023 21:46

I missed the not contacting you ....yes that is indeed odd. Again grief possibly at play.

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:48

I'm so sorry for your loss- you must feel lost.

I'm afraid their loss is a bit different- they can sort of pretend, put it to one side, as they only saw her infrequently- was it annual visits? It's very different when someone isn't in your every day life, you can push your loss to one side.

I understand your confusion- it seemed to be a close relationship- but what they are going through is quite different.

Ultimately they are not who you want them to be, and you'll be happier if you just let it go. Concentrate on yourself and your son. Don't expect to grieve with her parents- they are on their own path. Flowers

NewBootsAndRanty · 02/02/2023 21:49

I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't quite get what you mean by 'My wife’s only concern was not to worry her parents with any truthful news of her condition' - was she upfront with them that her death was imminent?

2018SoFarSoGreat · 02/02/2023 21:50

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've been married 42 years, am around your age, and can only imagine the trauma you are in, regardless of the family issues.

May I suggest that you take this time to focus on you - your own health and mental wellbeing? Let the rest of it go. They have their reasons (some older people can't make big decisions easily, some not at all. Even things they desperately want to do, they just can't find it in them to do it. They may feel very guilty about this. I would not assume this has anything to do with you, but is their own issues.

You need to let it be, and just focus on you and how you will adjust to this new 'normal' you find yourself in. Perhaps grief counselling will be helpful. I send you wishes for peace and healing, as you learn how to live the rest of your life. Flowers

Aldisfinest · 02/02/2023 21:51

So sorry for your loss OP. It seems to me that rather that they didn't care, they probably didn't want to see your wife sick and tried to ignore the fact that she was dying. Now she's gone, maybe their way of grieving is avoidance. I'm sure they are hurting. Although, I don't think that's a excuse to not have contacted you or been by her side when she needed them the most. I don't think you are wrong for feeling the way that you do at all, but there's nothing you can do. Leave them be, and maybe get some grief counselling? Do you have anyone in real life that you can speak to? You've had a huge loss that you will need help navigating. I can understand why you feel the way that you do

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 21:53

It's also really normal to be selfish in grief. To be unable to tie to the occasion and consider other people's needs, but to be consumed by our own.

Batcountry8 · 02/02/2023 21:57

I'm so sorry op.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to have this issue in your heart and head, whilst trying to process your loss.

It must be eating you up. It's so hard to accept behaviour from people when you just don't understand why.

Then if you get no answers for whatever reason, ie you can't ask or you won't be able to it's very hard to think straight.

Perhaps just writing it down here is your beginning?

Xx

Celinia · 02/02/2023 22:05

I’m sorry for your loss and the situation with your in-laws. I can relate to your need to know about their behaviour. The lack of contact seems very odd given you all had a very settled relationship with one another. Were your in-laws aware your wife had cancer for a number of years? If so, were they concerned?

maimeo · 02/02/2023 22:05

I'm so sorry for your loss and for the situation you find yourself in with your in laws. Their lack of contact during your wife's illness and since her death is incomprehensible. This estrangement must be testing you apart in your grief and search for answers, but you do really need to put it aside for the present and hopefully arrange some bereavement counseling, as previous posters have suggested. My heart goes out to you. Take care 💐

CherrySocks · 02/02/2023 22:10

I am sorry for your loss. Could it be possible that the parents-in-law are more infirm in their 80s than you are aware of? Could they have other conditions - eg dementia? Could it be that the sister did not want to burden you with details of their health? Perhaps they are now too frail to travel? Did they perhaps think the sister was relaying messages from them directly?

Nonimai · 02/02/2023 22:11

So sorry for your loss. I witnessed something similar when my dad died of cancer. In the two years preceding his death, his mum and brother refused any contact ( they were only 25 miles away). She told him she wanted to remember him as a well person, not sick. I never felt the same way about her after that.

ivykaty44 · 02/02/2023 22:15

Sorry for your loss.

could it be that you in-laws reactions and behaviour (odd in someways) is a distraction for your grief?

I hope you can find peace for you and your son

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 02/02/2023 22:20

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds as though they just couldn't face it/minimised it/ wished it away. People don't always react as you would hope in those circumstances and losing their daughter must be hard.
I lost my brother and have kind of learnt that there are a thousand and one reasons for the way that people react:, I found it helpful to just accept that they are dealing with it differently.

Summerfun54321 · 02/02/2023 22:31

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be heartbreaking to think your wife wasn't comforted by her parents in her time of need, I'm not surprised you want answers. It's understandable that you feel anger towards them but if it's occupying all your thoughts then maybe it's best to seek some counselling.

A technique I have fo reduce negative obsessive thoughts is to say outloud (to myself or friends) things I am grateful for, just lots of small things. Maybe you could try something like this to bring positive memories of your wife to the foreground and let negative aspects of her family life fade into the background.

Whiteminnowfish · 02/02/2023 22:52

I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs x

Mum5net · 02/02/2023 22:58

Your loss must be agony. I’m so sorry.

Could it be they have cancelled your daughter when she ‘let them down by being gravely ill?
Maybe they have a history of cancelling people but because you’ve been abroad you haven’t been aware?

melchim · 02/02/2023 23:03

That's awful! It is hard to imagine why they wouldn't visit or stay in touch.

What is it exactly that would make you feel at peace about this?

I think grief counselling would be a really good thing to consider. It is so important to have someone to talk to and unpick your feelings.

maddy68 · 02/02/2023 23:05

Everyone grieves In their own way. Often it's perceived as the "wrong " way.

Grief Is horrible and I descrimiate I am so sorry for your loss but please don't judge others for coping in the only way they know right now.

No one is winning it's just a shit storm xx

Shoemadlady · 02/02/2023 23:08

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how sad and lost you feel.
The only thing I could say is that some people, parents, friends, family just don't know how to deal with loss and facing the harsh realisation of someone with a terminal illness. They're just afraid. However, this doesn't excuse their behaviour since.
Could you write to them, keep it kind but explaining how you're feeling and that their silence is making you feel even more isolated?
Again, I'm so so sorry x

aswellascanbeexpected · 02/02/2023 23:17

Oh @Poppy6057 I am just so sorry for your loss. I too was widowed last year, so have some understanding of how you are feeling,

It really is the worst thing. No words can bring comfort.

With regards to your wife’s parents, are they perhaps beginning to suffer from dementia? I know my own mother has almost forgotten what has happened this past 12 months, and focuses exclusively on her own ailments.
Or perhaps they use your sister in law as a communication channel, is English your first language?

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