Death of my wife

[Poppy6057]

Do I need help

My wife of 42 yrs died in June aged just 62
We had worked together 24 hrs a day seven days a week for 42 yrs.
As you can imagine I’m finding life unbearable due to my loss, not only coping the loss of my wife but with an unbearable problem now occupying my mind every waking day. HER PARENTS who,I believe are now over 80 yrs. old but in no way infirm.
We lived abroad for the 42 years of our marriage in France where she contracted Cancer four yrs ago.

For all of this time we had a wonderful relationship with her family, never a cross word or any falling out. I considered myself another son to her parents.
They had visited us in France and other countries in Europe almost every yr for 40 yrs often making more than one visit per yr. We looked so forward to each visit to have once again family around us.

Six months before her death I was obliged to contact her parents to ask them to phone their daughter as it was many weeks since any contact between them.

For the last six months of her life they made no visits to see their eldest daughter, no phone calls as to the current condition of my wife. They obtained updates through my wife’s younger sister who did in fact make several visits to be with her.
Although being mobile but with some health problems there was no suggestion by them of a visit to their dying daughter.
Again I made contact suggesting Train travel as well as Air travel with assistance as their daughter needed to see them one more time before her expected death.

My wife’s only concern was not to worry her parents with any truthful news of her condition.
Finally my wife died asking just the one time where were her parents.

The fact that her parents never made the effort to see their dying daughter has been making me absolutely paranoid looking for answers which have never been offered to me by any member of her family consisting of the parents, two brothers and a sister, as to why her Mum and Dad never visited or showed any visible concern to me or my son.

To this day never offering any condolences to me and never having any direct contact with me.

This situation is now taking precedence in my life and it shouldn’t be while trying to mourn my loss, I am continually looking for answers which are not forthcoming.

Am I being excessively paranoid, initially I was in contact with her sister after my wife’s death but now nothing for weeks.

Should I seek professional help.?

Please excuse my using this platform but wasn’t happy expressing my problem on other media outlets.

I am so so sorry, this sounds an agonizing situation, sending love and strength xx

I am sorry for your loss. I found that when my mother was dying a lot of people took a massive step back and stopped contacting us, and guess it was that they could not cope with feeling uncomfortable so dealt with it by cutting off. It is shitty and cowardly and unbelievable that parents would do it to their child, but wonder if this is what it was about - them needing to stay in denial? I do think getting some support for yourself is a good idea - such a horrible situation for you to be in. Again, my condolences to you.

What a tremendous loss to bear - you are exceptionally brave to reach out for help now and I’m glad you’ve found your way here. I think I’d feel exactly as you do. I’d strongly suggest bereavement counselling because you need to process all of this; what your in laws have done is shocking but talking about it with a bereavement counsellor will help to sift out what’s important here. I hope you can celebrate your dear partners life.

I'm so sorry for what you have been through and are going through now.
It sounds as though they are just not coping with the pain of her illness and death. It's horrible for you not to have contact with them, but I think they have retreated emotionally from the pain.
It's adding to your grief and it is selfish of them, but maybe it's their way of coping.
Try to let go of the hurt you feel about their behaviour. It's a shame, but it can't be helped.
Sounds like you had a wonderful time with your wife and were very close. Don't let anything get in the way of you recovering from this loss. They managed the best they could.

So sorry for your loss! It sounds like you did a great job being by your wife’s side 💐Your poor brain will be scrambling for answers, trying to find a rational reason why her parents behaved this way.. unfortunately their response wasn’t rational, whatever made them step away.

When you feel ready to talk to someone please do consider therapy. Friends and well-wishers will hopefully be a great support, but anyone in your position really needs the professional support as well (it’s like trying to get fit and having a professional personal trainer help you, rather than just your mates cheering you on).

These boards can generally be pretty supportive, hope you feel you can “talk” further if you want 💐

They new she was dying through her sister

Some people react very peculiarly around the loss of a close family member. Given they always had a good relationship with their daughter and you and you saw them regularly - I would guess this is just their very very odd way of dealing (or not dealing) with the terminal illness of and death of their child.

Try not to judge them, this freeze may be a manifestation of extreme grief.

Certainly don’t take it personally.

I agree.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I do wonder if her parents are not in as sound mind as you think they are? Their behaviour does seem a bit strange. Did they talk to her on a call or anything?

As for your question about counselling, I think it doesn't hurt to talk about this sort of thing with someone. Or maybe a support group?

I disagree that people are naturally selfish in grief.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP. 💐 I agree other posters saying that people react in different ways to grief. Some will retreat into themselves and that might be what your PIL are doing. Losing a child, whatever their age, must be devastating, and perhaps they can’t cope with anyone else’s grief (yours) as well as their own. My PIL haven’t lost a child, but they react very strangely to illness and death in the family, they almost deny that it’s happening. I don’t know why, that’s their way of dealing ( or not dealing) with it.

It doesn’t seem fair, but I’d let it go and focus on recovering from your loss. You can’t change other people.

I‘m so sorry for your loss and the hard time you are having living with your grief and pondering this situation.

Sometimes people simply can’t cope, or don’t want to cope, with certain things anymore. They choose to let relationships slide as it is easier and less painful to them. Sometimes it’s not even a very conscious decision, but something that just slides away from them to a point where it doesn’t come up in their lives anymore and there is a comfort from it becoming irreversible and permanent. I have seen this happen in my family. A tipping point from which there has been no return.

In your situation, this isn’t fair or logical - it must feel deeply hurtful and confusing. The need to understand must feel overwhelming. However, I would suggest focusing on acceptance. Sit with the hard truths - they may not have liked you, they may be spineless and unkind etc - observe them, along with the fact that you may never really know the truth. Ultimately, their behaviour isn’t something you can change or understand - but you do own your reaction to it. Their behaviour now also doesn’t invalidate happier times together. They were happy if you felt happy and remember them fondly. I hope posting here has validated your hurt.

Do you think they blame you for not telling them the truth about your wife's prognosis? I know that you did it for your wife's sake, and that her sister did tell them. But in their grief maybe they've decided that you should have been open with them?

It would be irrational and unfair to blame you, if the sister has told them that your wife didn't want them to know (but maybe she didn't tell them that?). But grief messes with people's heads.

I've just realised that this means that none of her family came to her funeral. Is that right?

Should I seek professional help.?

Yes, I think you should. Not because you're being paranoid (you're not) but because this is getting in the way of you moving through the grief process.
Some talk therapy would help you a lot I think. Just to be able to voice these feelings and this confusion.

Would like to thank everyone who has commented on my post.
I take comfort from being able to interact with other people on this very traumatic situation. I feel it’s obvious I should get some sort of counseling.
Thakyou.

i’m so sorry for your loss, trying to understand your in-laws must be making things even more difficult.
I don’t know why they’re being so remote but my parents would have behaved similarly I’m afraid. Any mention of serious or terminal illness and my mother, in particular, would withdraw. I have a life-limiting illness and my parents behaved like this right up until they died, it was hurtful and incomprehensible to me.
i presume that’s how some people cope although that’s of little or no comfort for you.
I too think that talking about it with a professional would be helpful, just to try and unpick the upsetting confusion and hurt.

@Poppy6057
Wishing you strength and healing x
It sounds as though your wife was lucky to have had you.

I'm sorry for your loss.
People are strange and insular around death and dying.
When my Mum was dying I contacted her only brother to let him know. They weren't close but had not fallen out. He wanted to come and visit and I offered to put him up, just to let me know when he was coming.
I didn't hear from him.
Mum died three months later and I rang him. He was distraught, couldn't believe this had happened so quickly, would definitely come to the funeral, etc. He didn't.
I'm no longer in contact with him.
I think your PIL have put their heads in the sand about your wife's illness and now don't really know what to say or do. So are saying and doing nothing.
I would speak with someone who understands grief to get you through this. Sometimes you just have to accept that things you can't fully know or understand about other people.

Thankyou. Exactly that

Truly shocking behaviour on their part.

My daughter in law died just before Christmas and the funeral was last week, my son did a grand job of organising it and did her proud. Her grandad managed to make it all about him, jumping up and interrupting the speaker and leading the coffin into the crem.

Sometimes people are just like that (as previous posters have said). Usually if you take a good look at their own childhoods and upbringing, it's possible to shed a bit of light on the reason. However, in your case, how would you find out? What would you do with the information anyway?

Did your wife phone her relatives? What did they say to her? From what you say, I see a mixture of different possibilities weaving together here. Possibly "them being odd". Possibly issues triggered by your late wife not being always frank with them about her health so as "not to worry them" and then you telling SiL 'no she's not going to recover ' (what do you know FOR SURE was passed on to them, if anything?). Possibly issues with poor mental or physical health, finances, or something else going on with them that they haven't told you. And more.

I mean, you could ring up and talk to them. But best to think about what you want and why beforehand.

As others said, I suspect the way forward for you is accepting that people are (distressingly) strange sometimes, and just spending time with your friends who are there for you.

Oh op I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful marriage and you must miss her dreadfully.

I can totally understand why your parents in law’s behaviour would leave you feeling so bewildered. It’s incomprehensible to me.

I wonder if you could talk to your sister in law? Would she be able to throw some light on it?

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, previous posters have given lots of possible reasons why they might be behaving like they are but maybe it would be better to just accept that you will have no way of knowing and that it it is just what it is?
I know it's easy said than done but can you try to ignore the thoughts. It might be difficult now but will be easier in future hopefully.

I’m so sorry for your loss.
All I can add is this - as my parent’s got older, the loss of friends and family didn’t seem to affect them as I expected it to.

I was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and was absolutely dreading telling them. Their little girl had cancer. In actual fact, it was almost a non event. They listened to me, and then said how awful it was that bread had increased at the coop.

My dad passed away in September and my mum this week. 💔 I can underestimate how you’re grieving the loss of your wife but as you get older, maybe we just accept it more and seem to cope.

Sending love to you x

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you had a wonderful marriage and your wife was far too young to go. So unfair.

If your wife was 62 it seems likely that her parents are around 87?

When did you last see them in person? They may be more frail than you imagine.

Has your sister in law been able to give any explanation?

You say your PIL made many trips to visit. As they grew older, did you and your wife travel to see them?

Would talking to a counsellor help? Probably. You have had a gruelling time supporting your wife through her diagnosis and illness, and the loss and impact on your life are huge. All and any support may help.

One thing: sometimes when we feel very helpless we find someone or something to blame. It makes us feel in control in one small way. There is no doubt that there are puzzles in the behaviour of your PIL, but could you be focussing in this to avoid other areas of pain or to try and channel your anger?

I wish you well OP.