Mum doesn’t want to move to Assisted Living

[urgen]

She wants to stay where she is. She has lived alone in a small house for 40 years. House is very dated but she isn’t a hoarder. She walks with a frame and is housebound although once a day she goes to the shop at the end of the road for her paper and some food. She doesn’t drive or use public transport. If it’s all done for her she is fine.

She broke her hip a few years ago and it was only because DS stayed with her than she managed to recover. She has conveniently forgot about that. Most things are now blown out of all proportion and she calls me a lot over silly things. I live over 100 miles away.

If she falls again it’s curtains for her living where is does (London) and she would probably have to go straight into a care home which she would hate. I thought Assisted Living very near me would be ideal but clearly not.

Any wise words? I want to shout at her and say that she is being incredibly selfish to insist she stays where she is and pretends it’s all OK but
when it isn’t screams out for me to help. She is very sweet natured and doesn’t have memory loss or dementia. My DH isn’t in the best of health and I work. Siblings are not in the UK.

She is 90 btw.

Thank you all, She really cannot live on her own for much longer. She is struggling with paperwork and worries and worries about things you and I would just deal with. Her Sky stopped working and she couldnt manage to even turn it off and on as she was in such a tizz.

Carers are fine but they arent going to go through her paperwork, get some cash out for her, fix her Sky TV or try and get her mobile phone working.

I am 100 miles away. She has a simple routine but when something goes wrong she panics and panics. The house is very dated. Think 40 year old boiler, electrics that desperately need updating but she wouldnt be able to manage if someone came to replace her boiler and she wouldnt necessarily understand the new heating and controls.

She has a care alarm. Wasnt wearing it when she fell a few years ago...there are already grab rails but the house is a two up two down.

They really really dont take the consequences of their actions. They put their heads in the sand re how they are coping and if she fell again it would literally be curtains and she would move straight into a care home which she is not ready for. I had this with my DF, he lived in squalor and only in his 80's did he call me in. I had to sell the house, clear it (another story and took me over a week with a clearance company!) and find him a good care home. I am his POA.

Carers are fine but they arent going to go through her paperwork, get some cash out for her, fix her Sky TV or try and get her mobile phone working.

Privately funded carers would. They can be like a PA. My friends DH has one who takes him to his house to make pizza. He just spends time with him so does whatever he’s asked.

It comes at a cost though.

Sounds really tricky OP, clearly the distance is a big issue.

Mum would hate a PA type of set up. We booked carers in twice a week and she took it upon herself to cancel one session.

She has just called me and said she will move but wants a two bed so I will speak to the development and see what is around. They don’t come up very often and it’s a really nice development. It’s not brand new so units come up every so often. We might need to take one before she actually moves.

Recently started a job in a care home so many people just sit in their chair all day. They don’t fall because they don’t move.

This isn’t a care home. DH is in a care home and it’s nothing like that

I sympathise with this situation as I have experienced similar with my elderly mother who has also insisted on staying in her own home 3 hours away. Reading what you have said about her needs I believe you are right that it would be better to take action to get her into a more protected situation now, rather than waiting until a crisis happens. The previous suggestions about taking her to see the accommodation you are thinking of I think are a good idea, it might help her imagine a different way forward. However you may not be able to persuade her. I wonder if you can also organise lasting power of attorney for health and for finance, and ensure that she has a valid will etc? These types of administrative things can be helpful if the worst happens and she does have a fall or otherwise takes a turn for the worst. Wishing you strength and patience x

God, this! No dementia, walks to the shop every day. Employ someone to check on her once a day?

Be prepared for the service charge to jump hugely every year. They are a scam imo.

Does she have a cleaner or anyone who comes in?

Apply for Attendance Allowance. It is not means tested.

Does she have savings? She could be entitled to a carer to come in once a day.

Does she have a fall bracelet thingy?

Lots of ways to keep her independence if she doesn’t want to move.

Aargh, sorry, missed update, and that this is a semi-zombie thread.

She wouldn't be eligible for attendance allowance if she isn't disabled.

Me too 😂

All,

Just an update.

Mum is moving. She is not capable of living on her own and has agreed she cannot cope with her house. The stairs are frightening and already social services have said she needs to live downstairs. She has refused to do so and says she knows the stairs like the back of her hand. She is not disabled but does walk with a frame outside of the house and she is in receipt of Attendance Allowance.

She has a Care Alarm. Sometimes she wears it and sometimes she doesnt. She says she will be careful not to fall.....

She is not moving into a care home. Its an assisted living place. The service charge is included in the rental fee and they cannot increase more than 5% per year. She is not buying an apartment. Maybe if she was much younger perhaps but that time has gone. She has enough money to see out her days near me and with no worries about the latest junk mail that comes through or the Amazon call that demands she log on to her computer (scam call and she doesnt have an Amazon account!)

Hi it sounds as if this is good progress and I hope this leads to less worry for you and a safer and better situation for your mother. But if in the future you find that helping her becomes too much of a burden, it’s always possible to get more help from other carers or indeed re-evaluate the circumstances if things have changed and move to a care home if the situation requires it. Good luck and I hope you and your mother can enjoy the new set up

I would completely support your mum's point of view and don't think its right to try to persuade her to leave her home at the moment. My own mother lived independently and without any serious problems until she was 93, and was still driving at 90. She developed quite bad dementia when she was 93, but stayed at home with support from me, the district nurse who gave her medication, and from a wonderful care agency for another 18 months. She was adamant that she wouldn't accept carers, but the agency was prepared to say that their staff were befrienders, and they just spent an hour with her on four evenings a week. My Mum wasn't eating very regularly by this point and I arranged for her to have meals on wheels so that she was at least getting one hot meal a day. I visited one day each week, but provided loads of telephone support, including explaining how to put a ready meal into the microwave etc. She finally left her home just over a year ago when she was admitted to hospital with a very severe nosebleed (she was on Warfarin), and was sent back home a week later with 24 hour care for a few days. This only lasted for a few days because she was so stressed by the care package that she developed delirium and her dementia escalated dramatically. She was taken back to hospital, and six weeks later, Mum was discharged to a care home in February last year. She was broken hearted that she couldn't return home - all she wanted was to be in her own little house. Going into care at that point was the right thing for her, because she wasn't safe at home given how much the dementia had worsened, but she gave up on life when she realised she couldn't go home and died four months later.

My mother in law also has serious dementia and moved to extra care housing two and a half years ago. Being there hasn't stopped her falls. She removes her alarm fob and bracelet, and the carers regularly find her on the floor.

Until she was 93, my mum was perfectly able to live alone, and would have resented greatly any suggestion to move into assisted care, or with me, very much. Unless your Mum develops severe dementia or a serious physical problem, I think she should stay at home for as long as possible.

Oops sorry, I've just seen that this is an old thread.