Mum doesn’t want to move to Assisted Living

[urgen]

She wants to stay where she is. She has lived alone in a small house for 40 years. House is very dated but she isn’t a hoarder. She walks with a frame and is housebound although once a day she goes to the shop at the end of the road for her paper and some food. She doesn’t drive or use public transport. If it’s all done for her she is fine.

She broke her hip a few years ago and it was only because DS stayed with her than she managed to recover. She has conveniently forgot about that. Most things are now blown out of all proportion and she calls me a lot over silly things. I live over 100 miles away.

If she falls again it’s curtains for her living where is does (London) and she would probably have to go straight into a care home which she would hate. I thought Assisted Living very near me would be ideal but clearly not.

Any wise words? I want to shout at her and say that she is being incredibly selfish to insist she stays where she is and pretends it’s all OK but
when it isn’t screams out for me to help. She is very sweet natured and doesn’t have memory loss or dementia. My DH isn’t in the best of health and I work. Siblings are not in the UK.

She is 90 btw.

White. Thank you. She pretends all is ok and dismisses anything that has already been done. Until the next drama. I do know she is scared. She has agreed to see somewhere but I strongly suspect she won’t like it because she’d wants to stay where she is. Her Sky stopped working during the storm last week and she called me in floods of tears saying as she was housebound it was the only thing she had. I was her only option she told me. I called Sky, persuaded them to call her directly and she didn’t know her Mothers maiden name so wouldn’t speak to her. It was indeed the weather and was back to normal the next day but she was very anxious about it all.

Has anyone tried to get through to Sky without spending 2 hours trying to resolve?

I want to be able to help her and make her future years more comfortable.

What about an au pair or a family member who is studying or something?

My DM was the same. She was determined to stay at home and managed well by herself with help, until about three weeks before she died, aged 88.

We organised the support SHE wanted, which meant...

an alarm button on a pendant
A gardener 1 afternoon a week,
a cleaner 1 afternoon a week
a home hairdresser once every 2 weeks
Farm Foods delivery once every two weeks
Milkman
A home chiropodist
A window cleaner
plus occasional boiler service man, chimney sweep etc

By spreading things out, and taking it turns to visit at weekends, we made sure that she was never alone longer than she wanted to be. Her visitors and deliveries meant she always had a reason to get up and dressed, tidy. Always something to look forward to or gossip about. It was less expensive than sheltered housing, she was happy and she stayed with her garden.

if they hadn't been so selfish a few years ago they would already have been in sheltered care nearby. Hmm … you may feel things differently when you reach the same age and people are trying to take life decisions for you

@MereDintofPandiculation but their ‘life decisions’ become everyone else’s ‘life decisions’ when they are constantly forced to step in after a fall/accident etc.

Thing is OP, if you're moving her 100 miles, you're moving her away from everything that's familiar and I don't think you should underestimate the impact this will have on her. Has she always lived in London? Does she have friends and acquaintances nearby? I'm guessing the answer to that is 'Yes'. She walks to the shops every day where she is, could she do that where you want to move her? Aside from you, who else does she know where you live? You'd be asking her to start all over again socially at 90, which is a huge ask.

I can understand your frustration, but she has the right to live where she wants. I think the only answer is for her to either go into assisted living where she is, or to accept more help from carers, because she sounds lonely and bewildered by certain aspects of modern life (which is totally normal for the elderly), but she clearly needs more social support in her day-to-day life.

I totally understand why she wants to continue to live at home and she isn’t housebound if she goes out everyday in her own community. My parents lived for over 50 years in the same home and only moved out at the end to a hospice for a very short time. I also have two relatives in their early -mid 90s currently living in their homes who need a lot more support than your mum (carers a few times pd etc.). This week, as well as the carers, one has had the cleaner, gardener, home visit for a vaccine and local guy to sort out the laptop as well as a school friend visit from abroad and probably local friends popping in too. It is awful when there is a crisis, fractured hip, falls, covid etc. but these things still happen in care homes / assisted living. How often do you manage to visit?

I can understand your frustration, but she has the right to live where she wants

Sure, but then she has to accept the downsides too. Parents cannot expect their children to turn themselves inside out to facilitate an impossible situation.

OP, there is no answer to this.

Have you got power of attorney set up for health & finances ?

Can you get her post redirected to you, then you can deal with it ?

If she can walk to the shops. She can refuse to move closer to you

It is a hard call. I have a relative living with me. In practical terms it would have been better if had he had moved to Assisted Living before this. But really wanted to stay in his own home until he absolutely had to leave. It is not as simple as moving somewhere, the change is overwhelming. It is unfortunate that you live so far away . You have been given some good suggestions as you what can put in place to help.

I’m making a note of all my friends who are so sure they’ll put themselves into care years before it is needed just to be completely sure they won’t be a burden on their kids. My mum used to say she would move closer ‘as soon as I need more help than you can provide’ (I’m 90 minutes away). Well now she’s 87, needs a lot of help and bursts into tears if anyone mentions her moving.

However, like your mum she still has mental capacity so it’s up to her. She has a cleaner every week and someone to do her shopping. There’s a local service that takes her to medical appointments. So she manages. When it comes down to it she would rather have a shorter life in her own home than a longer one in care. She knows the risk she is taking that she won’t get the peaceful end she hopes for. I’d suggest a full and open conversation. Does she have an advanced care directive that specifies what care she wants if she has a medical crisis? Sometimes that can be a good starting point to talk about their preferences more broadly.

OP re the Sky example

This is the sort of thing that gets very short shrift from me. Mum has tried that - it was Sky as well oddly enough - and I was very clear that it had to wait till I had time to sort it. She admits that she wouldn't call my sister about that.

so much as it seems cruel, if you get calls like that, you need to deal with them in a way that doesn't make you grind your teeth.

I can completely see why your mum doesn't want to move but she needs local help in place.

True. She would be classed as a falls risk and would become hospitalised staff tend to do a lot for patients and patients forget when they go home they need to do it themselves. It's sad but it's not OPS choice who would want to live in someone else's house???

My nan lives in assisted living and still says she wants to go home! 6 years on.

No OP cannot facilitate this. She needs to be Frank with her mum.

I feel for you OP, my Mum had the same situation with my Nan. She was fiercely independent, that is, until she wasn’t and a light bulb or her boiler went then she’d call my mum expecting her to drop everything and rush around. She wouldn’t have any carers or any help whatsoever - not even a cleaner. Her house was pretty messy and my Mum had to help her do her shopping. Not quite the distance you travelled but 45mins each way and my Mum worked FT. She never moved.

i remember the pressure it put on my Mum - I’m sorry you’re going through that too.

As your mum is receptive to carers could she have one more often? Maybe a cleaner as an alternative to a carer one day a week? Just so someone other than you is going in.

My neighbour is elderly and I have the code for a key safe for him so if his family ring and he doesn’t answer, they can call me to go and check on him - is this an option?

To be honest if I was 90and as able as your mum sounds I’d want to stay in the home I’d lived in for 40 years too. I’d probably also be happy gambling with consequences of a fall which haven’t happened yet, that that age my great grandma didn’t care if she died either as she’d “had a good innings”.

I can't recommend moving at her age/situation - I think if she is so easily upset by things, moving would almost destroy her. Don't underestimate familiar rooms, street, face in the shop.

I'd recommend - get POA sorted for both health and finances now and inform her GP about it, redirect her post to you, start private carer going in once a day for an hour, pendant alarm.

Also - don't feel guilty for not 'moving her'. Don't feel guilty about any of it. Join us on the Elderly Parents board.

Have just realised this is on the Elderly Parents board 😁

My aunt was moved, at 92, from a home she'd lived in for about 60 years. She was moved by her family to an assisited living "village". Although resistant, she did say once there that she wished she'd done it sooner. Lots of people her own age, hairdressing on site, places where she could go for meals, coffee etc but still have independence. When she had a stroke, the visiting warden found her.

It is tough but if she has full capacity, I think you have to respect her wishes. The multiple phone calls and anxiety are likely to happen whether she is nearby too - that's just what happens when parents get more frail and rely on us to a greater extent.

My dad lives alone but is 50 miles from me. I visit every weekend for half a day or so but During the week he has carers twice a day, a cleaner once a month plus quite a few good friends who pop in for a cuppa. He also has a brilliant neighbour who does the washing and ironing for him.

He has a key safe, alarm pendant, grab rails, a wet room and a through floor lift so a decently adapted house is possible. If your mum does not have much money, there could be local council support. Make sure she's getting all the benefits she might be entitled too, plus there might be community transport services as well as day centres where she can go to meet new people. Age Concern used to have a befriending service too where volunteers would pop in for a chat or give the person a ring each week.

I think my point is that although you'd like her closer, it is possible (even at 90) for her to have a full life and stay where she is. It's of course more inconvenient for you but if she's at peace in her own home, then it's best to preserve that for as long as you can.

I would arrange to have the carers in with her once or twice a day along with a cleaner to unpack shopping and clean the house, do the washing etc.

It is perfectly possible for her to stay in her home. You can have all of her mail redirected to you, and then you can take care of the paperwork.

Your lovely mother has been in her house for forty years! I can see why she wants to stay there. Increase the care and assistance and make a decision in six months time. Don't force it.

My DF really needs a bungalow but will not leave his house, or have a bed downstairs. I have spelled out what will happen when he falls down the stairs and breaks something, he accepts what I say and chooses to stay, so he also accepts the consequences of his choice.

My mum into an assisted living type housing complex where you have your own flat and can employ carers, if needed.

Mum was very reluctant to move but she had an old semi-d house and a large garden and was struggling to cope with a long walk to the shops etc., although she was considerably younger than your mum, at 75.

Within a week of living in her new place, she told me she wished she hadn't put off moving for so long. She made lots of new friends and took part in the activities and trips and had a wonderful life there until she died from a massive stroke.

I rest easy knowing she was genuinely happy until the day she died. There were lots of mourners from the complex who attended her funeral and told me how much they'd miss her.

Do you have something similar near to you? Could you take her to visit it?

I work with clients similar to your mum and what I will say is yes it’s hard for you but if you move your mum without her full blessing she will hate it and find it hard to settle. I have ladies and gents who have moved similar distances and the ones who wanted to move love their sheltered/assisted accommodation. The ones who felt it was forced upon them absolutely hate it and almost don’t want to like their new surroundings. No matter how nice the flat and facilities are

In all cases the families thought that their family member would “get used to it” or “like it once they’d moved” or other such thoughts and I can categorically say that wasn’t the case