Mum doesn’t want to move to Assisted Living

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She wants to stay where she is. She has lived alone in a small house for 40 years. House is very dated but she isn’t a hoarder. She walks with a frame and is housebound although once a day she goes to the shop at the end of the road for her paper and some food. She doesn’t drive or use public transport. If it’s all done for her she is fine.

She broke her hip a few years ago and it was only because DS stayed with her than she managed to recover. She has conveniently forgot about that. Most things are now blown out of all proportion and she calls me a lot over silly things. I live over 100 miles away.

If she falls again it’s curtains for her living where is does (London) and she would probably have to go straight into a care home which she would hate. I thought Assisted Living very near me would be ideal but clearly not.

Any wise words? I want to shout at her and say that she is being incredibly selfish to insist she stays where she is and pretends it’s all OK but
when it isn’t screams out for me to help. She is very sweet natured and doesn’t have memory loss or dementia. My DH isn’t in the best of health and I work. Siblings are not in the UK.

She is 90 btw.

My granddad took this view. Left it until the last possible moment to leave his house and even then it was for an assisted flat which didn’t meet his needs - he needed a proper care home. He fell, broke his leg and sadly died in hospital after six long and painful weeks. If he had moved into the care home a few years before, he likely wouldn’t have fallen and would probably have died surrounded by his own things in a familiar room and staff he knew. Tell her this story and see what she says. Also don’t hesitate to tell her the impact this is having on you.

Hi, I work with the elderly . Lots of things you can do if she’s happy staying in her own
home . Pendant alarms , either private carers or liaise with the local social services and get a carer’s assessment . Council can put you in touch with the OT department and a company that fits grab rails etc.

I have no wise words. I’m in a similar ish situation with my parents. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to move? Would she consider moving to assisted living in her area or carers coming into her home?

I disagree with the above. Most people don't survive more than a few months in a care home. She is 90 and stills walks to the shop everyday, that's marvellous! If you have a frank conversation I'm sure she'd happily tell you she'd rather die in her own home.

She won’t if she has a fall or something that isn’t immediately fatal. It’ll be weeks in a hospital ward.

@AnotherVice yes I agree, it’s a big upheaval and not always in the best interest of the person especially if they still have capacity.

I have no wise words. I’m in a similar ish situation with my parents. Have you asked her why she doesn’t want to move? Would she consider moving to assisted living in her area or carers coming into her home?

Cuppasoupmonster people fall in care homes too.

They do but it’s much less likely.

I think if she has capacity to make that decision then it’s up to her. I understand as I have a parent in ill health although ten years younger and they will only do it their way and I have had to back off.

Can you get people to call round - cleaner -someone who makes lunch and leaves a sandwich for teatime eetc

I disagree with this. Many elderly people see a marked improvement in both their physical health and mental health in a good care home. Think about it - there's always someone to talk to, they make sure you take your meds at the right time of day, food is provided, it is warm and clean (usually). I'm quite fed up with people demonising all care homes. Some are excellent.

I also think your mother is marvellous walking to the shops everyday. I would second having a frank conversation with her. I think her views might surprise you.....

My Grandma moved from living in an annexe with my mother, to assisted living where she was fine (before a fall) for about 3 years, then hospital after the fall, then 2 or 3 years in the care home. She died at 95 and was only very unwell and unhappy for the final month. The care home at the end was like a hospice for her. They were lovely people.

I can definitely see your mum's pov. Respect her choice and give her the life she wants if you possibly can.

My uncle went to a care home at 87 and died at nearly 92. He made friends in there with two other elderly gents - they were the 3 amigos - again, he was kindly looked after.

So the Assisted Living is independent living for the over 70’s, it’s 6 mins from me so I can manage to see her a good few times a week if she did move.. She cannot cope with paperwork so gives it all to me or tries to read it out word for word.

Its definitely not a care home we are thinking of. My DF is in one and whilst they do their best it wouldn’t be right for Mum. She could manage Assisted Living but another fall and that option would go. She has grab rails, a carer In for a few hours once a week but worries and worries about things.

Can she afford to stay where she is? Can she afford more support?

If she walks to local shop she isn't housebound. She sounds quite able. My nan had a horrific fall in her own home (very severe break and skin grafts) but also fell in hospital and in care homes. Im not sure it is 'much less likely' to fall in a home unless they are encouraged to sit all day or always supervised. My nan did move into a home once she was unable to do more than transfer and walk a few steps. I think if she has capacity you have to go with what she decides even if you feel it is unwise. You can't stop falls entirely but you can reduce risks and worse outcomes eg check Bone Health, vision etc etc.

Has she had a csre needs assessment and a therapy team who could make adaptations to her house to help. Can she live downsta@40andfit irs, have daily csrers, falls alsrms and a careline. Do you know what caused the fall. Falls are common in hospitals, carehomes and assisted living. The only difference is there are staff to help .

I get your frustration, but I don't think you can insist a person who is compos mentis ought to make your life easier by uprooting themselves and leaving their home.

You have choices here. You resent helping her - but you seem to be doing it all the same? If you were to stop doing that (eg., by saying 'sorry mum, DH isn't well and I can't talk' on these 'silly' phonecalls, would she end up with a more realistic sense of the situation?

Could you just stress that you'd like to be able to spend a lot more time with her? Perhaps she needs to actually see what the Assisted Living place looks like - she might be imagining something worse that the actual experience.

I agree. If she can walk to the shop every day she is doing well. You can get an alarm pendant in case she falls - if you can't get there the service provider (council in my dad's case) will get there and call an ambulance if necessary. Carers can be arranged to assist with washing and dressing when that becomes necessary. Can you imagine what it must be like to be pushed into leaving your home and all your memories. I expect she wants to die in her own home and unless she had dementia and was a danger to herself she should be allowed to.

It's annoying isn't it? While she is still capable she could have some choice in where she lives, closer to you, without you having to put your life on hold when the worst inevitably happens.

We have just had this with PIL. Wouldn't move closer to us so now that MIL has early stage dementia and FIL has fallen, we have MIL living with us (argh) and are having to sell their house in a hurry. All has fallen on DH re selling, sorting out care etc. if they hadn't been so selfish a few years ago they would already have been in sheltered care nearby and we could have organised care and popped in regularly, not be full time carers with our lives on hold.

Unfortunately they are adults and make their own decisions without concern about the future impact on everyone else.

In fact FIL wouldn't have fallen cutting the bloody hedge.

I have a friend in the same situation too. Mother in care 100 miles away and both resistant to moving closer to help their DD.

Of course I cannot force her but this move isn’t for my convenience. It will enable me to support her better but also allow the independent living. If she decides not to move and then keeps leaning on me more and more from 100 miles away it won’t work. It’s not really working now. She has blocked out what I am doing and then saying she is fine on her own.

She has a pendant. Now uses it but didn’t at first until her grandchild read the riot act to her. She has lost a lot of sense of reality and pretends everything is fine until the next event and then the panic and tears start.