Should I be paying mum rent?

[EveryonesFavouritePunchbag]

Long story short (but still quite long, sorry):

Returned to the UK earlier this year because my parents are clearly nearing the end of life, with rapidly deteriorating health. My primary residence is abroad and my husband still lives there (we’re doing OK, chatting daily – social media has its uses!). A couple of weeks ago, dad went into a care home with dementia and I moved in with mum because there is so much to help with (everything inside and outside the house is badly neglected) and this sort of thing is hard to get done when living at a distance.

I’m going home (to my husband) soon for a few weeks, but before I go have made it my priority to do up mum’s bedroom. The carpet and beds were covered in bloodstains from dad’s nightly falls. The curtains were rotting, she’s been using enormous bulldog clips to keep them shut. The chests of drawers were falling apart (the hardboard backing was actually disintegrating into powder, the bottoms of the drawers falling out). I wanted to make it clean and comfortable for her, a tranquil haven rather than the scene of trauma!

My brothers seem to view this as a hostile takeover and keep putting the boot in. One of them recently commented on me “living here rent free.” This has got me worried. I’ve hardly had time to think about it yet, but should I be paying rent? I’ve been so busy that I haven’t given much thought to bills, but I guess I should go halves. I buy and cook as much food as mum will permit, given that she just wants fish and potatoes every night 😜

er no, your brothers are insane. They should be grateful that you’re being your mum’s carer and they don’t have to??

What have they done all this time? How have they allowed your parents' house to get in such a state! Tell them you'll pay rent if they pay their share of your travel and caring costs!

No you shouldn’t be paying rent. You’re only there to help your parents not to get a free holiday or free accommodation

Your brothers are being ridiculous…you were abroad so out of the picture, but they’ve clearly been aware of how your parents have been living and have done sod all about it!
Do you really think your mum will want to take rent from you when you’re helping like this? I know what the answer would be in my family

Thank you. I did ask mum this morning, and she said not to worry about paying rent. I just wanted to check what is fair.

To be honest, she is not particularly welcoming either; I get the impression she thinks she is doing me a favour. She hasn't made a single drawer or cupboard available to me, and is forever asking "Are you all right?" or "What are you doing now?" which both seem to roughly translate as "Stop moving around and making noises" 😓 Is this just how people get when they're very old?

No, no rent should be paid or expected - you're there in a caring and fixing capacity as a visitor, not using your parents home as a jumping off point for a free holiday or to live in without any other place to go.

I'd be asking your brothers why they left your parents with bloodstained and rotting furnishings or at least asking them if they want to chip some money towards all the replacements. Take lots of photos and send them to them.

Cheeky twats.

I did ask if they wanted to share the costs of a new carpet with me, as a surprise for her birthday. They pissed on the idea, Brother A because such improvements won't add value for when the property is sold, and Brother B because... well, not sure; maybe because it was my idea? He just came back proposing that since I am living here rent free I might want to buy some new kitchen appliances, such as a ground coffee maker and a bread machine. I asked mum about these and she doesn't want either. Her kitchen is cluttered enough and she doesn't drink much coffee (unlike, surprise surprise, my brothers!).

Brother A, when I explained about wanting to make it as comfy as possible for her here, went on to lecture me about how what we should really be doing is supporting and empowering her to choose her own improvements. Well good luck with that, is all I can say, since she steadfastly refuses to make any decisions about anything...

Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a moan

Perhaps your brothers could come over one weekend and help you blitz the place? Do they not see what a state it’s in?

Crack on with the moaning!

Do your brothers ever visit your parents?

Perhaps it would make more sense to sell the house now and get her an apartment in a serviced block with buzzers she can press for help, low maintenance etc

It sounds like it's too much for her to maintain really

i certainly wouldn’t be paying rent and would just crack on and get your mums room sorted. And then stop.

I would have a frank discussion with your mum as to what she wants going forward and then leave her and your brothers to it. Listen, they’ve set you up as the bad guy so don’t invest all your emotional energy into trying to help out. Be supportive of your mums choices, which may not be the ones you’d make. They evidently don’t appreciate what you’re trying to do and you are only going to get more upset as time goes by.

I'm thinking of putting my stuff into storage so that I don't have to come back and live here when I get back from my home overseas. Or maybe I just won't come back. I am seriously considering this! The penny has dropped what a toxic family this is.

My brothers spend as little time as possible here. They are always too busy, even now that one of them is retired. I overheard him talking to her on the phone yesterday. You'd think he'd been shot through the head, grudging monosyllabic answers.

They have no interest in "blitzing the place" and to be honest I don't blame them, because I am pretty sure mum will moan about everything I've done once I'm not here.

I've just been arranging for one of the neighbours to have my houseplants, because mum doesn't want to be bothered with watering them while I'm away.

Is this normal family life?

TBH I'd just go back home and leave your brothers to it.

Talk to your mum. If she doesn’t want you there go home.
You have good intentions but if she still has capacity let her decide if she needs a carer.

And what exactly are your brothers doing to help?

Tbf, your mum is aging and she's just watched her husband head off to a care home. She's probably not up to making decisions. That part is absolutely understandable.

Can you arrange a care package before you head home? It's probably time to get that up and running.

By care package I mean a cleaner once a week, maybe a meals on wheels type food service etc if she doesn't need personal care.

Did she ask you to come?

of course you don't need to pay rent.

perhaps you could go home early.

I won't bore you with my elderly stories, but if she's okay with things as they are and if she has capacity, leave it.

Bloody hell. You are a saint.

Go home, you are a lovely person and you deserve to go home

Set up a cleaning service and a meals on wheels.
Then go home.
You have done plenty and none of it will be appreciated.

1. you are amazing!
2. you have pushed your brothers guilt buttons. He realised he isn’t helping and perhaps should be - either practically or monetarily or by simply just being supportive of the monumental efforts you are putting in with zero thanks from anyone. However he evidently has a cf gene which is blocking the guilt from motivating him from actually doing something positive. This cf gene has gained the upper hand - hence the request for a coffee machine (which wouldn’t stay at your mums for very long I suspect).

no, you don’t need to pay rent. Sounds like you’ve paid out far more in furniture/food etc than it’s actually cost your mum to host you.

Thanks, everyone.
She already has a cleaner who comes. She never has a nice word to say about her.
She can manage her own meals.
I'm increasingly thinking of fucking off never to return! I can always keep in touch on Skype, which is more than my brothers can be bothered to do.

I’d go home and leave them to it , none of them appreciate your help and living abroad gives you a great excuse .