How to get gran into a home against her will

[Faciadipasta]

My gran is 96. She has always said she'd rather be dead than in a home but I think she does really need to be in one.
She lives alone, she is almost blind from macula degeneration, she is almost deaf and she is showing pretty bad cognitive decline. The last 2 days she has rung me in the middle of the day, crying, saying she's so lonely. She repeats herself constantly. Today she rang me saying she had fallen over, thought she had been unconscious but couldn't hear my to answer my questions on how she is. (This is not only worrying big it also is disruptive. I'm working. I miss meetings)
She can't hear the doorbell or the phone, although my dad has keys she usually seems to.leave her keys in the lock.inside so we can't unlock the door anyway.
I called my MIL to ask her to go round with keys to check on her. She did manage to get in (this time) and said she didn't seem injured but just kept repeating the same thing about calling the hairdressers??
Her house is pretty dirty too because she refuses cleaners and cant see the dirt.
The thing is she goes absolutely crazy if we say she needs ANY help. Literally screaming at everyone.
Even specsavers have said they won't see her anymore unless she has a chaperone because she is abusive.
WTH can we do?
My dad goes round a couple of times a week but we can't just turn up because we can't get in.
I go round a bit but really only if we can go out in her garden because I have young kids and her house is NOT a suitable.place for them to be.
Any advice would be really gratefully received. She is causing so much stress for everyone.
Thanks

You need to call adult social care at her local council. Say you're not able to look after her. They will assign her a social worker

contact your local social services and explain the deteriorating situation
Do you have power of attorney for health?
that will make things easier.

Agree with above posters, adult social services and it is also a good idea to put her doctor in the picture.

It’s difficult. Does your gran have dementia? Does she have capacity to make decisions? Anyone got power of attorney? It’s hard to get someone who doesn’t want help to accept it. If you feel she’s declined cognitively then an assessment from GP or SW may give you a bit more say

She hasn't been diagnosed with dementia but she certainly seems to. We could try and get her to the GP but she would probably refuse to go if she suspected it could end up with a dementia diagnosis. Also no way she would let someone from SS in.
She is really difficult and combative 😟

Then you step back and she won't be able to cope so SS will have to step in against her will.

Honestly I'd love to do that but I'm scared she'd fall and not be able to get up and just die on the floor on her own or something. Honestly I know its an awful thing to say but I'm starting to hate her a bit. She is so selfish.
And even if I were to do that I don't think my dad (only child) could and so even more would fall on his shoulders.
I actually feel like we're just all trapped by her.

Sorry. I know.i sound like a horrible person being so unkind about a poor old lady.

You need outside help. You've done as much as you can. As other have said contact SS and don't feel guilty about doing so.

You don't sound horrible. You are right that your Gran is being selfish, she expects you all to run around after her instead of getting the care she needs. And sadly it is very common.

You're not being horrible, you're just confronting a difficult situation.

Definitely contact adult social care and her GP. Has it got suddenly a lot worse - could be due to dehydration and a UTI, which can make the elderly extra confused etc.

We eventually got my gran into a home, even though she definitely didn't want it. She sounds exactly like your gran @Faciadipasta .

We kept on calling the GP and asking for a home visit. The GP wasn't really interested but in the end sent out a District Nurse. The DN called an ambulance, on the grounds of Gran being unsafe and delusional. She was in hospital for five weeks, whilst they stabilised her. She lied through her teeth to try and go home but the OT and Social Worker saw through her. She was found a place in a home and off she went. She soon settled in and was practically running the place when we visited, well according to her she was.

I think you just have to keep on at the GP and yes, contact Adult Social Services. Don't give up, you can't go on like that. My biggest worry with my Gran was that she would come to some harm at home, either from a fall, or an intruder. I could never have lived with myself if that had happened.

Yes, you definitely need to have a chat with Adult Social Care. If she doesn't have it already, they'll suggest Lifeline - it's a bracelet or necklace pendant emergency button. If she ever falls, she's got an immediate way to access help. They'll also been able to help with mobility aids, grab rails etc and if she doesn't have funds/savings, there's a lot of State help to enable people to stay in their own homes.

ASC will probably suggest in-home carers, though sounds like she'd refuse this.

Also if you can gain access, you could think about installing an app-based camera system so you can check up on her. My uncle lives alone but has dementia. He has lots of family support and they are also able to check he's ok by logging on to the camera app. The family explained it was there but he doesn't remember. It's very reassuring to be able to check someone isn't in difficulty though!

But you know, if she's abusive and refusing all kinds of help then she isn't your responsibility! You can't be expected to offer support to someone who is nasty and abusive.

We did look into getting a camera installed in her hallway but she outright refused it saying she wouldn't have anyone spying on her. We were going to put it in the hallway or maybe the lounge not the bedroom!!
I know it sounds terrible but I actually think if she did end up in hospital it would be the end of our problems because I really don't think they would discharge her home the way she is now. But to end up in hospital somthing would have to happen to her and she is alone, and we can't get in a lot of the time. It all comes back to us panicking that she'd be stuck alone on the floor with nobody to help her.
But yes if the GP would visit her and send a DN or something maybe that would do it. She'd have to let them in though 😭

Having been in your situation, I really feel for you and your family. My experience is that this is an unsolvable problem. Social services will not get involved unless the person allows it. In your case she will not respond positively to such an approach. Sadly you have to wait for a crisis before action will be taken.

When it happens, and it definitely will, please don’t feel guilty. There is nothing that relatives can do as Social Services do not take people from their home against their will.

Ok I've decided at the very least we're going to install a camera. I dont care that she thinks it's an intrusion. We'll just have to lie and tell her we're fixing the burglar alarm or something like that while we put it in.
That seems harsh but its way more of an intrusion getting interrupted at work daily for the latest emergency and then her not answering the door or phone when we're trying to see if she is OK

@florentina1 it's so awful. Why do some people get like this? I can't understand it. Is it fear? Or is she just a horrible self centred person?

Call adult social services but be prepared for a battle and be prepared to refuse care.

If social services think there is a hint that the family will cover this they will not do anything as they are very overstretched.

My DH's gran was like this. It caused a complete breakdown in the relationship between her and BIL (he was local to her so bore the brunt, and both DH/BIL's parents no longer around).

She flatly refused to go into a home (or have any carers at home) despite not being able to use the stairs safely (and refusing to live on one level despite there being a room to sleep in downstairs), not being able to prepare meals, and falling a lot. She was admitted to hospital after one such incident, and they refused to discharge her home. So she had to go into a home.

To your question... my GIL (note the absence of 'D') was a horribly self-centred person. She thought the world should revolve around her and her needs, and didn't see what she was doing to her family. She had been very selfish for years, but got worse.
It nearly caused BIL to have a breakdown, it was horrible. He didn't go to her funeral when she died, and wouldn't even go to the house to let the house clearance company in (he said he would go as far as the end of her road and give them keys). She had done similar to her SIL (my FIL) when he was at her beck and call for years. Luckily, he met someone new after MIL died, and she brought some balance to his life.

Families, eh...

I think she could probably afford to pay for her care. Would that make a difference?
I just spoke to the GP and they won't offer a home visit of any kind because she is out of catchment. She refused to change GPs when she moved home a few years ago (of course she did!)

Was she self-centred when she was younger? If not, it could well be fear and cognitive decline leading to reduced empathy- simply less able to comprehend the effect of this all on others.

fwiw my Gran didn’t want to go into a home at all and resisted for years, then once she was in she loved it and complained that we hadn’t let her go sooner.

Social Services need to do an assessment of needs.

You can't force someone to go into a home just because they are old and cannot cope. The key is whether they understand the consequences or not. If they have full capacity then they are free to neglect themselves. If however they do not (as in the case of dementia), then social services can step in and make a Best Interests decision.

The key is that you have to step back. As long as SS think you are willing to take the slack, they will let you.

Unless she has always been like this it is very common as people get old and frail, and down to a mixture of things.
Decline in cognitive function (heading towards dementia), unable to see how it affects you, fear, helplessness, anxiety, fear of change, fear of loss of independence.

She probably can’t help it.

Which doesn’t make it any easier for you.

My friend told her Dad he needed to go into a nice place for a couple of weeks while his house was being re-wired (or something such thing) and booked him in to a home that offers respite. Then when he was used to it she said ‘it’s really difficult to get a place here full time because it is so popular, but I could see if they would let us out your name down on the waiting list at least?’… He never went back home and was as happy as Larry.

In the meantime you could
install a double entry yale, can be opened even if a key is in other side.

you poor things.

In the short term, deffo change the lock to one you can always open. And the camera sounds like a good idea.