How to get gran into a home against her will

[Faciadipasta]

My gran is 96. She has always said she'd rather be dead than in a home but I think she does really need to be in one.
She lives alone, she is almost blind from macula degeneration, she is almost deaf and she is showing pretty bad cognitive decline. The last 2 days she has rung me in the middle of the day, crying, saying she's so lonely. She repeats herself constantly. Today she rang me saying she had fallen over, thought she had been unconscious but couldn't hear my to answer my questions on how she is. (This is not only worrying big it also is disruptive. I'm working. I miss meetings)
She can't hear the doorbell or the phone, although my dad has keys she usually seems to.leave her keys in the lock.inside so we can't unlock the door anyway.
I called my MIL to ask her to go round with keys to check on her. She did manage to get in (this time) and said she didn't seem injured but just kept repeating the same thing about calling the hairdressers??
Her house is pretty dirty too because she refuses cleaners and cant see the dirt.
The thing is she goes absolutely crazy if we say she needs ANY help. Literally screaming at everyone.
Even specsavers have said they won't see her anymore unless she has a chaperone because she is abusive.
WTH can we do?
My dad goes round a couple of times a week but we can't just turn up because we can't get in.
I go round a bit but really only if we can go out in her garden because I have young kids and her house is NOT a suitable.place for them to be.
Any advice would be really gratefully received. She is causing so much stress for everyone.
Thanks

You have my sympathy OP. My late MIL got dementia and was sometimes abusive. She needed help but didn't want help - you obviously know what that means. In the end there was a bit of a crisis when she suffered two falls in as many days. Her carers (who she eventually agreed to) knew this was a sign to get her to A&E where she was diagnosed with a UTI which affected her mentally.

To cut a long story short she deteriorated so it was a must to get her into a home before my BIL had a breakdown. Sorry to say that she never really settled but there was no way that she could continue in her own home. It sounds like you're on the same road.

Have you tried to introduce carers? You could start with a few hours a day under the guise of someone keeping her company.

Also, live-in carers could be an alternative if she has space because they don't work out any more expensive than a care home.

It is a horrible decision to have to make and as everyone else has recommended you need to phone Adult Social Care because they will help you.

Good luck, this is not pleasant for anyone. I hope you find a solution that will keep your gran happy and allows you some respite.

You say the house is so dirty that you won't go in ?
How about her personal hygiene ? Does she wear clean clothes ?
is her bedding changed regularly ? Who does the washing ? Shopping ? Cooking ?

Good luck with that one.

My DM was similar, failing eyesight, poor mobility, heart problems etc. but determined she wanted to stay in her own home.

She had a heart op and I persuaded her to have a 'two week recuperation' in a care home, hoping she would like not having to cook or shop for herself, having three square meals a day etc.

She lasted precisely 5 hours and called a cab. 😂

Went through some of this with my parents who both have dementia. They are in a nursing home following dad falling and breaking his hip but I know it's not in any way what they would have wanted - and nor would I. So I do understand how tough this is.

I'm not keen on camera idea as I think it's both intrusive and also potentially further distress for you if you see things you can't help with. We had some great help from telecare in the form of motion detectors and a smart plug that alerted us if the appliance hadn't been used by a certain time. We used it on the kettle but equally could be bedside lamp, TV, whatever she uses daily. We used a company called 3rings that closed down but there are telecare teams in most councils - part of adult social care. They also offer fall gadgets - eg watches and lanyards and maybe a lifting service. My parents made use of that for a while and the guys came round and got dad back on his feet a few times.

Hope this is useful food for thought. Best of luck.

We told my mum she was going into a nursing home for a few weeks to get over covid. She never looked back.

Forget the camera - will only give you a false sense of security.
On Monday contact her local adult social services and explain that she is vulnerable, you live a fair distance off and can only support via the phone and can they carry out a needs assessment. Don't worry if she won't let them in - it won't be the first time, they have 'assessed' through the letterbox. If you have time, see if you can re-register at a nearer GP. You could always tell a small porky pie, eg her GP is retiring and the practise can't cover for her as she's out of catchment.

Be prepared to hear the term 'capacity' a lot. Now I'm a well known cynic and while on paper capacity is a fine concept, it does allow social services to step aside. Basically it means that if an individual can judge their situation and express a preference, they should be supported in their preference. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to see the down side of this approach. So if an elderly person such as your gran is asked if she wants a cleaner, someone to help her bathe, to go into a care home and she says 'no' that's it. You can try to persuade, to negotiate etc, but basically an answer of 'no' is no. Social services will keep her on their list so to speak and will pick up her case if things change.

Another thing to prepare for - the car crash. In situations such as your gran - the most common way of getting admission to a care home is when things go tits up. A fall, a UTI, total failure of self care. The important thing to remember here - THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You have done what you can to put forward sensible suggestions to help and they have been refused.

Sorry if I'm sounding too pessimistic and cynic and been through this with 3 of 4 parents with DP

In your shoes I would try and get POA and arrange for private carers.

If you change the locks on the door, then the carers can access the home even if she doesn't let them in.

If she is abusive and refuses care, the next time she rings you, you can ignore the call, knowing that the carers are scheduled.

That way it's her choice whether she wants help or not.

You need to report it to SS. Her not accepting to cooperate is a red flag.

It sounds as if your gran still has capacity - and that means she has the right to make decisions about her own care even if these are bad decisions by any objective standards. You can do little to change this and from what you describe I doubt whether social services will force her into a home against her will at this stage.

Your best bet is to wait for a crisis which causes her to be admitted to hospital - a fall is the most common occurrence. Once she is in hospital and if she recovers, the hospital team should work to ensure a safe discharge. Be absolutely firm with them and say no family member can offer any support. They might discharge her to a care home. They might decide to send her home with a care package. If the family refuse to help she will have to accept the carers - at very least to deliver food.

In the end people have the right to choose to live and die in squalor and in their own homes. This is very difficult for family members. But it can sometimes be the least worst option. I have had the experience of moving an elderly relative into a care home against their will. Ten years on, they are suffering from late stage dementia - bed ridden, in nappies, in anguish - and they have been in this state for years now. Their “quality of life“ is non existent, and they would have hated to be like this. So bluntly and with the benefit of hindsight, it might have been better if we had left them to die at home much earlier. I know that sounds awful but as a society we are not good at acknowledging what extreme old age brings for some people.

@Huntswomanonthemove
She soon settled in and was practically running the place when we visited, well according to her she was.
Well put. My dad's the same. Massive egos soon manipulate reality to flatter themselves. It's even easier when their grip on reality is loosening. I'm so happy to leave him to it and let him enjoy his power trip without it affecting me, at last.

Good luck OP

My gran has quite a bit of money n the bank I think so she could probably afford to live somewhere really nice if she would only accept it. As a last resort she has her home which is probably worth about 700k as she lives in London and apart from being dirty is in a fairly good state of repair because she hasn't been there long and my dad is always around there doing jobs for her.
I have a plan which I'm going to put to my dad to see what he thinks. Me, dh and kids are going away for 2 weeks in the summer. I was thinking if we tell her that none of us will be around to give her a hand for those 2 weeks (my dad would be so it's actually a lie) so we thought she might like to.have a stay a lovely 'hotel' for a holiday herself maybe she would agree to that? And then once she's there maybe she'd love it and want to stay?
Is that unethical? Illegal? I think she would likely be deemed to have capacity to make her own decisions so it would be getting her in by deceit even if she agreed to it.
I have spoken to the care home today and they do have space for either long term or respite.
I have no idea whether my dad would be happy to give something like that a go anyway but it's worth putting the idea to him right?
I went in to speak to the manager and pick.up a brochure and it looked lovely. The 2 residents who stopped to speak to me and DS in reception seemed happy (maybe to see a child) but I didn't have the tour because I'm not sure what my dad will think of the idea and ultimately its way more his decision than mine.
Just wanted to see what others think.of this idea because I'm not sure if is IS too unethical...

I think if your dad is ok with it then it’s worth a go. It does seem a bit unethical, but its not like she is considering anybody else’s feelings. If you get her in , like you say, she might enjoy the company and having her meals done for her, ( and maybe her hair and feet ). I would be amazed if she agrees to go into a ‘hotel’ though as she is so contrary. Good luck!

Ditto to all that has been said. I am going to sound cold and callous but we pat ourselves on the back and throw everything at people to keep them alive regardless of the quality of life. There are old people just surviving with no hope of getting better. It’s horrible to see and to manage. You are constantly on tenterhooks waiting for the next drama or phone call demanding something NOW.

Hospital patches them up and then it’s left to the relatives to pick things up. I am heartily sick of it not just for myself but for my best friend who is being run ragged by parents.

No, she’s a very old lady who doesn’t want to move out, who probably knows her life is pretty much ending and who doesn’t want anyone interfering.
Adult social services need to be contacted and they will take it from there.
She could do with a care alarm
www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/
which she can use if she does fall - this will give you some peace of mind. You can’t just install a camera against her wishes; she has the right to privacy just as you or I do. neither can she be forced into a home against her wishes unless she has a DOL assessment, which the LA can carry out.

I would caution my DH family tried the holiday trick & it caused his g-Nan so much anxiety she had an “episode “ within 12hrs of being in the home (reading between the lines it was an anxiety attack). She went to hospital then came home so his dad had to carry on caring for her despite saying he was ‘away’. However within 18mths they did get her to go into a home full time she’s 96 as well. She does seem brighter for it with more company but it took 3-4yrs convincing her to do it.

I genuinely don't think we could ever persuade her. If she would go and look at it I really do think she love it there but no way would she agree to look at it if she thought it was a home.

Soon. I am guessing you have never been at the sharp end of looking after a confused, tired of life parent who has told you they don’t want to be here and keep getting more and more confused about their life.

Calls overnight about silly things like getting a piece of junk mail or that someone from Amazon has called about their account (it was a scam!) and they are worried about it. They don’t have Amazon or the internet btw…. I have said just put the phone down but then the tears start.

She thinks the chiropodist wants to.kill her. We have had a LOT of calls about that at all hours

There's been a lot of good advice upthread.

It sounds like you'll have trouble with guilt no matter what, because you are kind and caring - but one way of thinking of this, is that being responsible to this extent is currently depriving your children of their mother's time and energy at a really critical time of their life, and putting your family's financial stability at risk because you can't work.

It's also a really hard time for her, and it's right for you to stay involved - but she and you need more support.

My Father is quite matter of fact about his life and is in a care home. He has told me his wishes for EOL. Mum is less clear. How on earth do you bring that up. I am sure I know what she wants and am POA but it’s a huge responsibility and I am petrified of getting it wrong.

In the end people have the right to choose to live and die in squalor and in their own homes. This is very difficult for family members. But it can sometimes be the least worst option. I have had the experience of moving an elderly relative into a care home against their will. Ten years on, they are suffering from late stage dementia - bed ridden, in nappies, in anguish - and they have been in this state for years now. Their “quality of life“ is non existent, and they would have hated to be like this. So bluntly and with the benefit of hindsight, it might have been better if we had left them to die at home much earlier. I know that sounds awful but as a society we are not good at acknowledging what extreme old age brings for some people.

This ^

All you can do is be clear in your mind about your own boundaries (e.g. not picking up phone calls from her during your working hours, not being at her beck-and-call with visits and errands), and learn to manage your own sense of guilt. You don't need to feel guilty.

You know its not just guilt though. Whenever she calls while I'm in a meeting or something I think I should leave it and call her back but I know she won't hear the phone and what if its an emergency? I mean a real one not the sort of thing she thinks is an emergency. I mean imagine if she's fallen and can't get up? Or today she told me she'd passed out. We can't just leave her without someone rushing round if she calls and says that.
And 4 days in a row she's rung me in tears saying how lonely she is and that nobody ever goes to see her and she never goes out. She wouldn't be lonely in a home and I would happily take the kids to see her more because it would be a healthy clean environment.
She won't have carers because they might 'steal'

I'd suggest simple solutions initially, like a keysafe so the house can always be accessed.
Telecare systems can include fall detectors which activate automatically if she falls.
After that I think you need to involve social services and remember these people are well used to dealing with elderly and confused people.

I don't think a keysafe would work though. She leaves the key in the lock on the inside