I won’t be able to enjoy life until he dies

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

Terrible, to say that about your own father, isn’t it?

It’s not just now that he has dementia. I’ve felt like this for years. Only child of a widowed (my mum died when I was 9) parent, an older one at that, he was late 40s when I was born. he’s always expected me to be the centre of his life.

Never any ambition instilled into me, it was just leave school at 16, get any job until you get married young and have a child, then you look after that child and me.

Which is what I did because study, career, that was for other people.

My first husband left me because of my dad. Amount other things, He got an amazing job opportunity abroad, once in a lifetime. All expenses paid, pay increase that you could only dream of, the best private school paid for for dc. And he couldn’t go because I couldn’t leave my dad, the guilt he laid on, he attempted suicide twice. My marriage never recovered, my ex was made redundant instead, his career never really recovered and he never forgave me, he left me a couple of years after and I don’t blame him. We had tried to move across the country previously to get some space, he followed us. He used to sit outside my house like a stalker in the morning until he saw movement and then pound on the door.

My now husband has felt the strain for the last decade.

And now my dad has deteriorated into dementia and is in a home, my husband has done so much to help. But there is so much to sort out (money, house sale), it’s such a strain.

I don’t know how I am going to get through these next few years. There are so many hurdles, everything has been so stressful.

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this.I’ve just spent another morning on the phone trying to. sort out another financial issue.

I wish to god I didn’t have POA.

My husband got his parents to remove his name from theirs for the future - he said he couldn’t go though all this again, his sister can do it for his parents.

Everything to do with my dad is just a world of shit that only me and dh can sort out. Everyone telling us we “need” to do this or that. I don’t fucking need to do anything, I’ve had enough.

Dh works 6 days a week and hours of overtime everynight. He took tomorrow off as a surprise so we can take the baby somewhere together but another bit of shit has happened which means tomorrow morning has to be spent at the bank sorting out yet more of my dads stuff.

And I am aware I had another thread last week moaning, but I am just so angry at my dad and bored of the whole situation now.

And yes, seen my gp, my insurance covered therapy but all they say is “take a step back” which you can’t if you are responsible for someone’s finances and everyone wants their bloody money.

I know he should be exempt.

But he never actually moved into the property.

The sale went through while he was in respite care that he never came out of.

So they are saying that as he never lived there, he has to pay.

I argued until I was blue in the face.

I’ve raised a dispute but it’s something that I can’t let myself give too much of a shit about. There’s so much. And it’s finite - hopefully the flat sale will only take a few months now. Cash buyer, so no chain at all.

I have to chose my battles or ill go crazy and council tax is way down my list.

@LeeMucklowesCurtains

Ah, so it's all the '3rd parties and peripherals' that are giving you the grief. I'm so sorry! But it will get settled eventually. It's just harder for you because of the 'emotional load' he has put on you during your lifetime. It was so wrong and unfair of him to do that to you! Have you considered counseling to work through this and put it to rest? Apologies if you've already tried this or if it's not something you'd consider.

You know, when I was younger (like back in the 70s) there were so many support groups for so many things. Whatever your problem was, you could find a support group of like-minded people. There are lots of 'therapy groups' or 'structured groups' like AA or other recovery groups. But these were just groups of people with the same 'life-problem' who got together and talked, blew off steam and traded suggestions. I don't see that so much anymore. I think it would be so helpful, especially for people dealing with elderly parents. We don't need 'organized therapy', just other people who are also dealing with the problems of aging parents.

My manta was 'I can only do what I can do' and weirdly enough it helped me let myself off the hook when I needed a break, day off etc. I am sending you support, this is a horrible situation for you to be in.

If he has dementia he can claim severe mental impairment exemption for hid Council tax, you ring the council for a form, get the doctor to sign it & send it back to the council, it can also be backdated.

Yes, but the issue is that he never lived in the property.

He sold/bought when he was in respite care and the property has remained empty ever since.

No one is debating that he has dementia and shouldn’t pay.

But their argument is, he never lived there. Which I don’t understand and like I said, I have raised a dispute.

But I have been told it most likely won’t go any there because of that loophole.

The other issue try at was muddying the waters is that the place he was living before (a different council), was still taking council tax too.

We only realised on friday when we finally had access to his bank account.

We had repeatedly contacted them over the last few months saying he had moved out but despite getting acknowledgment emails, no one had ever actually responded or did anything. And to be honest, my dad isn’t the only issue in our lives so we don’t live and breathe all the bullshit that we have to sort out for him, we’ve got our own problems to deal with too.

When we finally got access to his account on Friday, dh saw the dd was still coming out, called them and sorted it. Obviously they are refunding from the day he sold the property last December.

So I think that has confused the local council here and explains why they kept asking if it was a second hom when I spoke to them last week.

Like I said though, it’s finite as the place is being sold anyway. I’ve got so much to do, not just for my dad but for me too, some things just have to slide.

Op don't go the solicitor route as that costs a fortune. Have you heard of getting your dad's finances managed by the local council? It is straightforward and costs something like £85 to set up. It's called Money Management in my local authority, check it out. Then you will have no unexpected charges or greedy solicitors to worry about.

No, I’ve not heard of that.

We have discussed it and we aren’t going to go down the solicitor route. Like I said, the tough bits we have done.

My dad is already perilously close to not having the two years fees he needs to have to stay where he is (before they can try and keep him there with council funding), I can’t go paying out more, especially until the house sale is done and dusted. As it stands, there is an asking price offer going though, but you never know what will happen.

If we were dealing with a lot more money, or if he had a significant amount coming in in pensions each month then sure, but that’s not the case.

The home managed to swipe my dads wallet while he was asleep yesterday so dh could look inside it. yes, underhand but he’s always been so tight fisted and horrified at the thought that anyone could have access to his money that he has always had his wallet hidden on his person and sleeps with it on him too, even now. Has to have it in view when he’s in the shower. So we had to ask them to find an opportunity to get it for us.

There are 3 credit cards and two store cards in there.

I am now really concerned that he owes money to these places and paying it off will drop him below those two years of funds.

Need to go through his bank statements later to see who/what he’s been paying, nothing since he got ill October last year and he only trusted direct debit for utilities, he would have paid any bills like that in person.

So thats another thing to sort out.

But as dh said, it shouldn’t be much of a balance on them as he’s so bloody tight, can’t see him having spent much, he wouldn’t even buy himself clothes and went round with shoes with holes in just because he didn’t want to pay for new ones.

Ah, just looked at money management on our local authority website.

It’s for people who don’t have peope with POA etc to manage their money.

If you stopped acting as attorney “disclaimed attorneyship” , then he’d fit the bill.

www.gov.uk/lasting-power-attorney-duties/stop-attorney

Dh doesn’t want to do that.

He said he’s willing to do everything. He’s done the most difficult parts now anyway.

For all my throwing toys out the pram, I don’t really think it’s a good idea either to do that anyway, or to be honest, I would have done it a long time ago.

Sometimes it’s just good to vent to other people who have been though it. Like when you say you’ve had enough with your family and feel like walking out - you wouldn’t do it, but it’s just good to get it all out there.

One of the main reasons mu dh is against it is that he works in finance for a local authority. Not in this field but similar and he knows full well all the mistakes that go on.

Hello again Lee. Glad to see you've had lots of support here.

The sudden death of a friend recently propelled me to sort out my own affairs. Something I had put off as I am single with no dependent relatives. The will is done but the PoA I am baulking at. I assumed the sols would be able to act as my attorney. They were extremely reluctant and warned it is incredibly expensive if I found someone, so that chimes with what you've discovered.

On the other hand, having nothing is far, far worse. The Court of Protection is an absolute shambles.

I was investigating ( in a more resilient moment) setting up an investment portfolio for mother but I have an old style PoA which omits the specific wording needed. This can potentially be rectified through an application to the Court but I was warned that could take 12 to 18 months...by which time she might be dead anyway.

Like you, I dread her lingering on for years. She has recently deteriorated significantly and thought this might be It, but she seems to have stabilised again now.

Sorry for the derail. I get it!

Hi, and thank you for understanding. Things like this do make you think of your own future.

We’ll just have to keep plodding on.

Its the language around it all that I hate. People telling me what I need or have to do. It makes me want to scream.

I had the care home on the phone this morning telling me his glasses are broken.

And? Is that another problem that only I can sort out?

They said “you need to get in touch with his optician” and I just blew up.

There was that “you need to” again, and it’s something I can’t do. Until he went into a care home, he lived 3 hours away. How am I supposed to pull information I don’t have out of my arse? I have no idea who his optician is, he lived in the middle of two huge towns and used facilities in both, could be any of one of a huge amount.

And dh cannot take more time off work so I can take him to another one here - we have no other help and I can’t do it alone pushing a wheelchair and a pushchair at the same time (and let me tell you, dealing with someone with dementia and a 20 month old at the same time in a public place on your own should be a form of torture, and is not something I will be repeating after last time).

Also, he wouldn’t cope, he wouldn’t understand what they were saying and it would be me standing there getting stressed while my dad was getting upset.

Only then did they say “oh well we can contact our optician”.

Little things like that just add up and cause so much stress. He’s in a home as I thought I could avoid thing like that.

I've read all your posts and I've been in your position so I can maybe understand some of how you are feeling. These processes are a nightmare and people who have never been involved in this don't realise the sheer amount of stress involved with all the people you encounter in a professional capacity. They seem to think social services will sort all this - they won't. One person says one thing and someone else says another. You only get one assessment done and the situation has changed again. You are lucky in that your H sounds so helpful and I would let him do as much of this as he is willing to. You of course are wanting to do your duty but are resentful too which complicates things. No matter how badly you got on, there will still be an element underneath of regret - why did he have to be like that... People who say "just ditch him", don't get it. As far as I can see now he's in a home so the worst bit is over. His home is on sale and regards things like council tax etc all of these things can be done retrospectively and not in any rush. There is no need for him to be taken out to an optician - take the glasses to any one and get them to make a pair to the same prescription strength. Don't worry about the length of time his money will last for at this point. Anything could happen. Your mind is naturally in overdrive - get your H to make a clear list of what needs to be done ( if he hasn't already done so) or an issue and literally write beside it how it can be dealt with or indeed if there is anything you can do about it at all. Care home staff will try to pass on any issue to you and yes there may be some things you have to do but also say to them "what would you suggest?". Sorry I'm not meaning to preach or teach you to suck eggs just trying to same I know how you feel. At least there are POAs, Will? etc in place. I won't bore you with the last situation we had where there was no will. Best of luck!

It’s not like we don’t/didn’t get on, he was a good father in so many ways - it’s just that he expects the world on a plate back for that, and to be the centre of my universe.

My eldest is an adult, I struggled when he was young, gave up a lot to bring him up but that was my choice and I would never expect anything in return or for him to live his life for me.

As for wills, everything comes directly to me. I forgot what it’s called but the solicitor explained it’s as if was if two people had been married.

When I was 18, my dad actually put my name on his house and on all accounts to make it all very simple. But when my first husband left, I got shafted in the divorce and ended up on benefits so my name had to come off everything (it wasn’t like I could use any of that money to live). It was only last year, over a decade later that life changed and then it was too late to add me back on anyway.

My parents thought I’d be a free Carer for them too, not seen either of them for years and SS will get short shrift if they come knocking too.

Ironically I visit homes for work & lots of residents aren’t in contact with family, they haven’t even got phone numbers for some or addresses.

I know this is only one thing, but the nursing home should be able to get optician to visit them. (Maybe not in post Covid world though). He can't be the only resident to have broken glasses. Even if staff have to take glasses to opticians for repairs.

Vision call usually do homes.

I went to visit the other day and the manager asked if I was okay.

I’m too mentally drained for niceties these days and always say no instead of “I’m fine”.

I told her about them calling me re the glasses and she immediately stopped me and asked if I knew who it was who called and told me that they should not have done that, that they have their own optician and that they should only have called to ask permission to make the appointment for new glasses (as obviously it’s only polite to let me know that I would be getting a call to pay for new glasses from his account).

She apologised for any stress caused and said of course it’s not up to me to take him out to an optician, the staff member who called should have known that and she would be speaking to all staff to make procedures clear.

Anyway, the optician went in and he’s getting his new frames and glasses. His old ones were held together with glue anyway for the past decades as there was no way he would have paid for new ones himself (if he knew what I was shelling out for from his account, glasses, clothing for him, the care home fees, he’d murder me).

Oh God I'm so pleased to hear it Lee. Sounds like the manager is on the ball and you can rely on her.

I felt similar relief when the home finally told me I could pay for them to sort out toiletries, hairdressing and podiatry (nail cutting). I had no idea they could and it was stressful.

Luckily those things are included where he is now. They have a little hair salon in the building that they can book into a few days a week.

The last time I took him to the barber, it didn’t go well. I couldn’t do that again, it always ends with my dad shouting and me just crying while passers by laugh at me.