I won’t be able to enjoy life until he dies

[LeeMucklowesCurtains]

Terrible, to say that about your own father, isn’t it?

It’s not just now that he has dementia. I’ve felt like this for years. Only child of a widowed (my mum died when I was 9) parent, an older one at that, he was late 40s when I was born. he’s always expected me to be the centre of his life.

Never any ambition instilled into me, it was just leave school at 16, get any job until you get married young and have a child, then you look after that child and me.

Which is what I did because study, career, that was for other people.

My first husband left me because of my dad. Amount other things, He got an amazing job opportunity abroad, once in a lifetime. All expenses paid, pay increase that you could only dream of, the best private school paid for for dc. And he couldn’t go because I couldn’t leave my dad, the guilt he laid on, he attempted suicide twice. My marriage never recovered, my ex was made redundant instead, his career never really recovered and he never forgave me, he left me a couple of years after and I don’t blame him. We had tried to move across the country previously to get some space, he followed us. He used to sit outside my house like a stalker in the morning until he saw movement and then pound on the door.

My now husband has felt the strain for the last decade.

And now my dad has deteriorated into dementia and is in a home, my husband has done so much to help. But there is so much to sort out (money, house sale), it’s such a strain.

I don’t know how I am going to get through these next few years. There are so many hurdles, everything has been so stressful.

Sorry I don’t know what I want from this.I’ve just spent another morning on the phone trying to. sort out another financial issue.

I wish to god I didn’t have POA.

My husband got his parents to remove his name from theirs for the future - he said he couldn’t go though all this again, his sister can do it for his parents.

Everything to do with my dad is just a world of shit that only me and dh can sort out. Everyone telling us we “need” to do this or that. I don’t fucking need to do anything, I’ve had enough.

Dh works 6 days a week and hours of overtime everynight. He took tomorrow off as a surprise so we can take the baby somewhere together but another bit of shit has happened which means tomorrow morning has to be spent at the bank sorting out yet more of my dads stuff.

And I am aware I had another thread last week moaning, but I am just so angry at my dad and bored of the whole situation now.

And yes, seen my gp, my insurance covered therapy but all they say is “take a step back” which you can’t if you are responsible for someone’s finances and everyone wants their bloody money.

Oh I know I do the best I can.

Not many people would have put up with and done what me and dh do for him. He’s always been so disappointed with me but for no good reason. If he didn’t have me/us, he would be screwed, quite frankly.

He did have some friends who had strong opinions on what a terrible person I was. The last couple of years my dad has been telling everyone that I just want to steal his money, that I was leaving him to rot in his old age. He’s slagged me off behind my back since I was a teenager.

But where are those people who cared so much about him now? They all ran for the hills when he got ill and heaven forbid, they might have had to do something.

The flat is under offer - I just want it paid so it’s not hanging over me/the address. I can’t have anything unnecessarily holding anything up.

It’s so tough when parents are just so difficult, isn’t it?

The amount of opportunities I have lost in life. The joke is, my dad always held his money over me. It was always, “you’ll have this when I die if you take care of me” to stop me taking work opportunities etc.

And now it’s all going to be gone anyway. Like I always knew it would. I used to say “and what if you need care? Your money will go on that.”

All he would say in return is “you’d never dump me in a home, you would take care of me”.

Well, tried that. He lived with me for a few months at the end of last year. He almost burnt down my house and could have killed my baby when he tried to feed her a battery. So “shove him in a home” I did, none of us were safe with him here and he wouldn’t hear of 24 hour care at his flat.

My first husband left me because of my dad. Amount other things, He got an amazing job opportunity abroad, once in a lifetime. All expenses paid, pay increase that you could only dream of, the best private school paid for for dc. And he couldn’t go because I couldn’t leave my dad

OP I mean this in the best way possible. You could have left your dad, you chose not to, whether that was due to a feeling of duty or guilt it was your choice, all choices come with pros and cons. Your husband left you because he resented you chose not to leave your dad, but also because he chose not to go alone.

You have always had choices, and you made them. They are done. We all make choices in hindsight we wish we had done differently, but we did have a choice. Try to prioritise you own needs now, you have the power to make choices that you won't regret in years to come.

I remember your previous thread OP, I'm sorry this is still causing you problems by not being resolved yet. Personally I think I'd have contacted Adult Social Care by now & told them that you no longer wish to have the POA, & that you would like them to take it over. Visit as & when you feel you can. You really have done enough, you can't pour from an empty cup.

And yes, as for the council tax, as long as you're not personally liable for it, screw them. They can wait. Realistically, what can they actually do? It's just another reason why you should not have to be dealing with all of this.

Honestly - just phone a solicitor. You'll need one to put the sale through anyway. Don't get one of those low price legal firms. Get a local one.

Then when he dies they will sort that out too.

Yes, I know I chose not to go.

Mainly because my life would have been unbearable. I fully accept it was my choice.

I don’t blame my ex one bit for leaving, my dad caused a huge wedge with so many other things (he could have not shagged his PA on the way out though!).

Yeah, the one sorting the house sale won’t deal with anything else, I asked about a couple of things off the back of another thread.

But I will find some others to speak to.

I have been through exactly the same as you OP. In fact I think maybe I've posted before.

I really, really feel for you. Nobody can imagine what it's like to be in this situation. I absolutely hated the 'advice' I used to be given about 'simply' giving it all up, or involving SS etc. etc. None of those steps are actually simple quite apart from the emotional toll it takes to give up on someone. The implication from others is that you are 'choosing' to make it all difficult for yourself but most people with (mixed) normal emotions and a conscience will find themselves in this sort of bind because the system really, really is set up to make sure that families are kept at arms length.

Despite what other people have said on here, it's actually more or less impossible to give up these duties once you have taken them on. I investigated giving up POA on many occasions but it has so many implications emotionally and practically.

But, let me tell you some positive things. My years caring alone for my dad, getting him into a care home and clearing and selling his house were absolute hell. But, slowly and gradually after he settled into the home life became bearable for me. And it improved for him too because the stress and uncertainty of me dealing with everything was crap for him too. Now, three years later I finally sleep all night, feel more or less normal and have almost happy relationships with DH and other around me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It won't always be this way.

Thank you for understanding.

Dh has said that actually, I can come off the POA if I like, he will just do it all. He’s hesitant as he really cares for my dad, he doesn’t want to see any mistakes made with his money etc.

And I couldn’t hand over health and welfare, not after my dad was neglected and abused (still going though investigation/prosecution).

As much as he’s been difficult, he’s my dad and seeing him in the state he was in was one of the worst experiences of my life.

I need say over where he is and his treatment to protect him.

God, what a horrible situation for you.

My go-to solution is always to throw money at stuff - so I'd echo the advice above, although I know there is only so much you can delegate.

And I assume you have POA for his health and wellbeing - this is going to sound grim but I promised to do it for Mum and I have my own advance decision in place for the same thing so, have you checked his care plan and established prioritising comfort over life-extending treatment? Has he been through the ReSPECT process? My advance decision is brutal - if I've lost capacity then it's straight to palliative only treatment.

Dh is more positive than me, but he doesn’t have the same emotional attachment.

He’s just focused on getting these last bits sorted, getting the house sold and the money in the bank and then we just let the fees go out each month and that’s it for the money side for now.

I just see it all as one hurdle after another.

I really think you should make seeing a solicitor a priority. If you do, then they should be able to take over ALL your dad's financial issues, sort them out and put them in orde3r, and only refer to you as POA things they can't authorize themselves. Kind of 'one stop shopping' in a way. You'd just have to keep in touch with the solicitor rather than having to make numerous phone calls to numerous places.

I'm in the US so things may be different in the UK, but is there a possibility of getting your dad under a conservatorship managed by a solicitor? I know you have POA but that can't be 'reassigned' to a solicitor's office so you'd still need to be involved. If there was an actual conservatorship the solicitor's office would be empowered to act on his behalf without involving you. Obviously they aren't going to do this for nothing, so the finances of it is something you would need to decide on. We also have the Office of the Public Guardian that does 'free' conservatorship on a limited basis, but I think that's only if there is no one else to 'oversee' a private conservator or if the person has been financially abused.

Yea, GP phoned me. All sorted. Yes to just palliative care.

My dad has very strong opinions on wanting to be resuscitated - he thinks it’s like the films where you get CPR and then jump up happy and live your life. So I wasn’t going to override that - I said that I would leave the choice up to a HCP. The dr understood and wrote that she was making the decision with my consent . she understood my need to a clear conscience that I had upheld his wishes but passed the decision on to her as a professional.

He didn’t want anything in the POA, either of them. Because he thought it was all rubbish, I’d never let him end up anywhere, he wasn’t going to spend his money on a care home etc.

So there is no stipulations for anything.

I get it OP, really I do. Did PoA first with my father, now my mother.

It's been over 20 years now, and I find I deal with it better at some points than others.

My mother's affairs are far from straightforward, and if detail and form filling and bureaucracy are not your thing it's an absolute nightmare, especially if the relationship wasn't great. It's unbelievably stressful and I will never agree to be PoA for anyone ever again. I had no clue.

You need to vent. Vent away. There are no easy solutions but have a few of these and know you are not alone .

Thank you.

Its so hard because I don’t know that many while and the ones I do know, while they sympathise, they haven’t been though it themselves so it’s hard to fully understand.

I feel for dh though. He’s said in no circumstances could he do this again with his parents. He said his sister and her husband can do it. I wouldn’t want to be involved with either to be honest, as much as I love his parents, potential doing all this again in a few years would finish us off.

so many typos! But you get the jist, I hope.

Just a bit of fellow feeling. My experience is much simpler than yours as my mum was far nicer to me than your dad was to you. But I'm still on medication and barely hanging on at work after the past 7 months of her needing me to act for her (as well as the preceding 3 years when she was declining). Her flat sold about a month ago and I have to say the workload has reduced hugely. But yes, I am waiting for her to die. Her current life is something I can't think about in detail, I just want it to be over for her. The day will come for your dad and my mum when they're free.

Honestly contact a solicitor and ask them to take over managing the POA and dads financial affairs.

i work in the legal field and have legal qualifications in care of the elderly and used to do this for a living - honestly, the process is so simple. The solicitor will probably need a small amount of your time initially and will need to see fathers paperwork in order to get everything set up for them to deal.

it’ll then be minimal effort for you in terms of managing finances - also I found that companies/banks/bailiffs seem to respond better to letters on headed paper/solicitors office phone calls etc - meaning things get done quicker and less stress on yourself!

Any pointers on how to find one?

The ones in my local area don’t seem to deal with anything like that.

I went on the law society site (i think thats what it’s called) a while ago when I needed advice on something, I phoned 3 and had half an hour with each and was told conflicting advice by all of them about a matter, each told me the other had been wrong.

So it just turned into a head ache and made me feel worse.

dh is more pragmatic saying we just need to get through this bit. Once the sale goes through and the money is in the bank it should be much easier. We’ve done all the shit bits that a solicitor would have been good for.

Keeping track of money etc is the okay part, dh in finance so he’s got the love of spreadsheets.

Then the battle will be when the money is running out, trying to get the council to fund his place or move him.

But to be honest, if he’s still alive then a) I will probably be too far gone to care what happens and b) he probably won’t know where he is anyway.

I agree with your dh i think. This is the worst bit. It will get less awful.

That’s the main thing though isn’t it. It’s not living. I hate seeing him like this.

The home try to get him to join in activities and stay motivated but that just makes him worse. He’s never been social, never been into activities.

He comes here on a Sunday but has asked if he can change to coming on a weekday.

I asked him why and he said it would be a break from the nice but annoying people who try to play board games, do art with him, listen to music and chat with him. He’s sick of them trying to get him to do things when he just wants to sit on his own like he’s done his whole life.

They keep telling me that he refuses to do things - to be fair I would too. Stick a puzzle in front of me now, I’d tell you to sod off, I can’t stand them, I can’t imagine feeling pressure to join in activities on top of having dementia.

I know activities and keeping busy are good for people with dementia, but not if it’s things they
have always hated in life and piss them off more now.

He seems to be getting worse by the week though, more confused and all the light/life is gone from his eyes. It’s like looking at a zombie sometimes.He’s already dead for the most part.

I really hope it won’t be long until this is over for him. No one deserves his so called life.

Apart from the dementia he’s actually very physically healthy. His doctor told me last year that I would have a long time left with him, his body isn’t giving up anytime soon.

But what’s the point in having a healthy body when your mind has gone and you are trapped in a living hell?

He actually had plans to take his own life if he was diagnosed with anything like dementia after seeing his sister in law slowly die from dementia in a care home. She was very physically fit and she hung in for ten years, just sitting staring ahead for five of them. I found all the different letters he wrote for different scenarios. It would have been the best thing all round.

Only, he wasn’t diagnosed until he was too far gone. Honestly, February last year he was fine. He was still tutoring some local A level and GCSE students in maths (he had been a maths teacher), cooking, driving long distances and planning routes with no issues.

By November last year, he had deteriorated so much that it was clear he needed 24 hour care so he didn’t harm himself or someone else and the man who could do maths way beyond the ability of most people couldn’t tell you what 1+1 was. It happened so fast, before he could even realise what was happening to him.

Its cemented my resolve that if something doesn’t take me in the mean time, I won’t be sticking around for old age.

I'm in the US, so I probably can't help you find a solicitor. Where I live they are generally attorneys or certified public accountants and have the word 'fiduciary' somewhere in the title, such as professional legal fiduciary, fiduciary certified accountant, something like that. Some banks actually have 'fiduciary departments' staffed with accountants. It's definitely not free though and a private one may or may not be affordable for the average person. I dealt with them frequently in my line of work, some were governmental agencies for people with no one willing to act for them AND were determined 'indigent' and some were very expensive, fiduciaries were handling large and/or complex estates.

I think one lesson to take from this is that all of us 'of a certain age' need to be sure our decisions have been made, our affairs are in order, and end of life care has been documented. Then we need to talk to our children, plainly and unemotionally.

Dbro and I were blessed in that our parents (who were wonderful) had everything set in a living trust and Mum made 'the Binder' that held their trust docs, POA (medical/financial), specified where everything was, and how to 'deal' with everything, even down to the dress she wanted to be buried in. Then she and Dad called us over and had a 'sit down' and they went over 'the Binder' with us and answered any questions. When the time came that Mum's dementia required care, the Binder told us just what to do and how to 'fund' it using her resources (US, no 'safety net' for dementia care) and gave us the legal authority to do what needed to be done. It really was a smooth, albeit painful, transition.

Mum (like your Aunt) lingered for years in basically a state of 'non-being'. She was 'there' but knew nothing and no one. It was hell. By the time she died last year, she was the only resident left of the group that was there when she moved in. But some people just 'break' when taken from their normal surroundings and activities and even though they are healthy in their bodies, it's almost as if their subconscious just 'gives up the ghost' and they die. Those are the lucky ones.

This is a helluva journey that so many of us must make with our parents. I can only pray that yours is a short one.

My dad actually made everything straight forward.

He closed all of his accounts, savings accounts etc and just put everything in his current account a few years ago to make it easier for when he died.

No choice here about what care to pay for, just has to be done.

End of life care was basically him either taking his own life, which he was too late for, or the hope that he would die suddenly one day. Or that I would look after him when he needed it, which I was incapable of (in that case, he would have taken his own life anyway, he would never have thought it would have come on so fast the way it did).

He has a “death box” funeral details, wishes for ashes, dvds he’s recorded for the children.

So all well planed on paper and I am not dealing with multiple banks or accounts.

He cancelled everything bar utilities.

Just one flat owned outright, one bank account. No debts.

Should be easy but everyone has been incompetent to be frank. Bank were a joke, council tax couldn’t have been less helpful if they tried and made so many mistakes. Even the solicitor selling his flat can’t seem to get the spellings of his names right and I keep having to send documents back and telling them again and again. It’s like I am swimming against a sea of idiots.

Martin Lewis Money Show did a thing about 100% discount on council tax for people with "Severe Mental Impairment " a few weeks back

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/council-tax-discounts/#smi