Mum lost her appetite and has stopped eating

[Zippsbuttonsvelcro]

I am just wondering if anyone has any advice?

My mum (in her 80s and lives alone) lost her appetite a week ago and has eaten very little since. For example, today she has eaten half a bowl of cereal and half a banana. She tried to eat a biscuit earlier but said she couldn’t face it. She doesn’t have a bug or anything.

She is on several very strong painkillers (patches) for a broken hip due to osteoporosis. She was on amitryptaline as well but stopped that a couple of days ago. She is also very tired, sleeping a lot and has the shakes (doesn’t normally have a tremor). I called the GP out mid week and they came to visit and said she looked well and was sprightly (she isn’t). Every time I ring she sounds weaker. I am scared she is going to have a fall or lose consciousness or something. I am two hrs away and can’t visit more than once or twice a week.

She is currently having people in from SS for 15 mins morning and evening to check she has got up / gone to bed alright, but this service stops in a week. I don’t know what to do - it’s like she’s given up on life.

I’m a bit hesitant to butt in as I lost my beloved mum a couple of years ago and a lot of this is horribly familiar from the few years prior so it's a bit of a trigger, but….just to say, OP, I think GPs are v keen on those patches. Personally we found them a nightmare as they were making her so unwell. She had osteoporosis and had cracked a rib from coughing (also had COPD )

We brought her for a visit to us and she was so poorly we took her to our local out-of-hours. The Dr said ‘well, I think we can get rid of those patches' and peeled them off. I’ll never forget the relief on her poor face. She improved so much after that.

She also lost her appetite and I had to coax her with tiny treats. It’s so hard when they’re on their own. I know how difficult it is OP as I too lived a v long distance away, but could she have more company? Someone popping in daily purely for a sit down, coffee and a good chat?

I feel for you, it’s heartbreaking to see this happening to your mum.

Thank you for your kind words.

Wishimay, in the last 6 weeks, she has had chest xrays, CT scans and MRI, bloods and urine. I was / am worried about an underlying systemic disease, but surely something would have showed up, especially in the bloods.

Brillig my mum was on the patches for a couple of weeks last year but ended up taking them off as she couldn’t bear the side effects. She is due to go down to the lowest level patch next weekend to see if her pain can be managed on that. I am going to try and sort some people to visit, but my sister called her last night and she said she doesn’t want to talk to or see anyone apart from us. It feels like she is giving up.

7cats I have phoned the rehab team a few times. When I rang last week, they basically said that when the 6 weeks is up, we will have to organise our own care if necessary and they brought round a folder with some numbers from private companies. Would she still be entitled to see a social worker if she has more than 23k in savings do you know? Maybe I will ring them again.

Hi @Zippsbuttonsvelcro yes, she's entitled to see a social worker, the financial cutoff is £23,250 I believe atm. We have had a lot of good advice from Age UK, they have a great website with fact sheets and things on it as well. The Red Cross have a befriending system, they can organise someone to pop in to give your mum some company, do a bit of shopping and things like that so they might be worth a call too. If your mum isn't much over the savings limit perhaps she needs some new carpet or something 😉

PIL were "self-funding" and had agency carers but SS still went round periodically. In fact, SS assessed their needs first. The agency will need to know what kind of help she needs, which you will know once SS have assessed her.
As an aside, do you have POA?

Thanks for the info re Age UK and the Red Cross 7cats.

I spoke to the key worker in charge of her rehab today and she gave me the brush off with regard to further assistance. Said that we need to get on and look for private carers as their service terminates in 2 weeks. Apparently she is not entitled to any more input from SS as she doesn’t have medical needs or something. I asked if she would have another assessment and they said no.

I think my sister was nominated for POA, but I’m not sure how to action that. On a brighter note, the GP has agreed to prescribe some Fortijuice, which I am pleased about as I hadn’t realised it was so expensive!

Re POA, your mother would have had to complete a form to nominate your sister, and then would have had to send the form off to register the POA. The POA is only activated when your mother /your sister deems it necessary or appropriate. There's nothing formal to do, unless your mother specified that she would have to take further action such as writing to your sister at the time she wanted your sister to take over her affairs. I don't think there's anything you can do, other than to check with each of them if POA is in place.

Re SS - if you want an assessment then you may have to insist that something has changed re your mother's capabilities eg she's not feeding herself. Good luck, you may have to be persistent.

Hi Zips, my top tips are - 1. focus on getting a solution to a need rather than trying to solve everything in one go, 2. pretend you're at work, 3. accept your relationship is different now.

1. Decide what your top issue is eg. mum needs to eat more. You've already looked at possible causes and it hasn't helped so focus on possible solutions.

1. It's easy to get caught up in emotion and the dreaded guilt. Doesn't help. If you're good at problem solving at work then use the same approach. If not, get a friend/ family onboard. Ten minutes to come up with 5 things that might help. Personally, for the food I would go the company route as that worked for my mum but you know her best.

If you are feeling emotional about the difficulties, try and pretend you're a social worker. Take the sting out of It feels like she is giving up. If it were your job, you'd just try another solution.

1. (Mum) said she doesn’t want to talk to or see anyone apart from us

It sounds bad but I would ignore that and go with Best Interests and try with people she used to spend time with eg Betty from the church comes round for a coffee and brings custard tarts with her.

If the vicar is good then he /she should know someone who would like to help without making it obvious you have intervened.

There is a lot of good will out there, your problem is finding how to access the right people.

Sorry if that sounds really bossy; changing the way I thought about family responsibilities helped me so much I have gone a bit evangelist on you.

All the best

Thanks again for the info and tips. I will definitely take them on board.
AnneBrontesaurus don’t worry about going evangelist!

I am visiting mum at the moment and she has had a slice of dry bread and a few berries for lunch. She is still not hungry. I’ve spent the morning ringing all the private care agencies the rehab team left in their info folder for me. Literally no one has capacity - they said there’s no point even doing an assessment. One agency I spoke to said they are all in the same boat. One put me on the waiting list but basically said don’t hold my breath. I am starting to worry now. The rehab team only comes in for another weak then she is on her own. I’m not sure she will cope.

I know it's difficult but there comes a point where the parent becomes the child and the child the parent. It's weird because they're still an adult with very definite opinions but you can see that what they're doing is harmful or dangerous and you have to step in to take charge. She'll be resistant but what is the alternative?
She really needs someone either living with her or she needs to go live with someone else and they need to tempt her with food, little but often, to get her appetite going again. I know she said she doesn't want to go to your sisters, but that's where she needs to go if she's to get better.
My mum has private carers (we got rid of the carer company we were with) that go in 4 times a day for half an hour to make sure she eats well. Otherwise she'd be living on cake and biscuits.
We had to recruit them privately through word of mouth and advertising. But it was time-consuming to do and very difficult. I rang different charities, organisations and the council. Sirry to say, they were all pleasant but I got no practical help whatsoever from any of them.

I would definitely get her reviewed by the GP as she seems to have a new loss of appetite and fatigue.

I’m unsure which part of the UK you are in but I think your mum definitely needs a social work review, often a day centre / lunch club is quite useful in these scenarios. My uncle goes to one which is lunch, board games and also films and other social events. Some have a cost but usually subsidised / funding available.

Ensure drinks and similar are good for high calorie nutrition but at my work dietetics (I’m a nurse) also encourage custard, ice cream and full fat yogurt, adding cream to cereal / porridge, biscuits with tea. The tiny treats are a good idea too. At this point it’s not about nutrition it’s about getting the calories in.

I had a very malnourished and underweight patient once who we blended up ensure drinks with ice cream to make a very high calorie (+ also nice) milkshakes. Also had lots of jelly babies, fruit juice and mini puddings. Ensure drinks are much nicer cold and kept in the fridge. In my part of the UK they can be prescribed by GP +/ dieticians.

As a nurse her fluid intake would be even more of a concern. She’s at high risk of UTI, AKI + delirium. Delirium can be hypoactive also.

x

The above should read for whom we blended up, that reads as if I blended the person up^

I rang different charities, organisations and the council. Sirry to say, they were all pleasant but I got no practical help whatsoever from any of them.

This is what I’m finding, unfortunately. I feel like I’m on a merry-go-round of being signposted to “agencies who might be able to help.” They’re happy to send details of where I might find help, but are unable to offer anything practical themselves. I’ve managed to find someone to come in a couple of times a day for part of the week, but I really need to find weekend cover too.

Hdkatznahtw125sgh thanks for your advice. The GP is supposed to be doing a telephone review early next week. Hopefully the high calorie drinks the GP prescribed will be delivered tomorrow. Mum has taken on board that little and often is the best way to go. She seems to be keeping her fluids up with tea or ovaltine. I persuaded her to eat a couple of boiled eggs yesterday for tea, but it was clear she wasn’t hungry. As for the SW review, SS say she isn’t entitled to one as she is above the financial threshold where she can afford private care and she will have had her 6 weeks free from the rehab team.