Cockroach cafe 🪳 Spring 2022 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome! Those of you who have been before will notice the Bad Daughters’ Room is now called the Kumquat Room, and there are a couple of fine kumquats in the Conservatory.

Check also the Stationery cupboard with, among other things, the 🪳emoticon ready to cut and paste.

Anyway, come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

@MereDintofPandiculation your post made me cry - in a good way. I think it’s a lovely post.
DM who is in in the reasonable early stages of Alzheimer’s is either in denial about it or forgets she has it most of the time. She lives alone and copes reasonably well so long as I do all the admin/financial stuff and DB does shopping and gardening. But last week she took all the paperwork I’d sorted and filed carefully after DF died out of the cupboard and distributed it around the house for no reason that I can ascertain. Eventually I tracked it all down - one part was in a small cupboard that no one has been able to open for years because the catch is so stiff!
By the end we we were both in tears, me of frustration and her because she didn’t know why she’d done it and knows there is something wrong.
She says every time I go there that she’s been here too long and just wants to be with DF.

So Mum has been in respite care for 3 weeks now and seems quite settled which I am surprised about. The staff are absolutely lovely and the other residents seem friendly. Only a few have dementia so it is a bit of a mix which I think is good.

I plucked up the courage to tell mum she couldn't go back home and live on her own. She asked where she would live so I told her it would be a care home, like the one she is currently in. She replied "why can't I just stay here"? I was delighted and the CH have confirmed she can have a permanent place if she wishes and they can meet her needs. The social worker called today and he confirmed that he is putting in his report that she needs residential care. As she has section 117 aftercare from when she was sectioned 2 years ago, we just now need SS to confirm the funding. I hope they will agree to it, the SW knew less than me about how it works!

I've now got to sell her house and decide what to do with all her belongings. Those of you who have done this, did you put their things in storage or get rid of everything that wasn't going to the CH? Seems awful, throwing away all her stuff while she is still alive 😥

@BestIsWest my brother had to remove all the important documents from mum's house after dad died as she was putting it in all sorts of random places. She was no help finding stuff as she couldn't remember moving it but who else would be putting stuff like pension documents in the fridge, airing cupboard or wardrobe? The only explanation she could think of was dad's carers must have moved them. She got very stressed that she didn't have the docs because "I need to sort everything out". Except we had already sorted everything. In the end he took copies and gave mum her folder back with those in and she was happy and I don't think she had touched them since. But in the meantime I was getting phone calls asking if my youngest son, who lives abroad and hadn't been at home since pre covid, had them.

Sounds familiar @countrygirl99 . I’ve got the POAs in my house. I’ll have to make sure I have copies of other things.
We’ve just had a search for her postal vote for Thursday- she says she’s put it inside the address book. But when I asked her where the address book is she gave me a black diary. She’s had the same big address book for thirty years and is usually very sentimental about it -her late sister bought it for her. But she can’t remember it.

@OnthePiste that's what I am doing currently. Some CH allow people some of their own furniture, so that may be an option, but TBH it is about practicalities, DM's room just isn't big enough for a lot of stuff as she has a v large wheelchair that needs to be manouvered.

So for example I've gone through photo albums and scanned some of the pics in to make a digital photo frame, which seems to have worked out ok.

I live in dread that she will ask me for something that I have binned, and I have a recurring dream that she will one day be cured and want to go home to the house that I have sold.

Hello again cockroaches and especially all the other Bad Daughters. I had a lovely Easter break but have been paying for it with lots of snide comments about how lucky I am to have a holiday etc since then. I do try to let it slide over me but I was particularly irritated by the response when I said I wouldn’t be available at her convenience next Saturday because I had a sports game booked - ‘oh, I’m competing with sports now, am I?’. No, actually, I’d rather do something I enjoy!
Mum has the originals for her own POA and has hidden then because she doesn’t remember agreeing to getting them registered 🙄. Not an urgent problem as she would pass any competency test at the moment - but just a sign of unreasonable behaviour and general difficulty as far as I can see.
Does anyone have any experience/advice if I did need to use it urgently - let’s say she became ill (or I accidentally ran her over😱 - only joking 🙃). What’s the process? I have paperwork to verify POA and it’s registered.
Amazingly, my brothers are absolved of all this. They are male and, therefore, must be busy. Grrrr 😖
Any cake on offer to really bad daughters today?

Hi All.

Haven't posted for a while as nothing new to report but just wanted to check in and wish all the best to everyone dealing with crap and congratulate those that are getting on a more even keel.

After we had our car accident at the beginning of March, things seemed to mellow out between me and mum, but the last couple of weeks have been trying again. There is definitely some cognitive decline and I think she's realising and taking her fear/frustration out on me.

She struggles to complete her online shopping without help every week now, although she's been doing it for years. If something goes awry with that or anything else she either 'doesn't know what's happened' or blames someone else.

She was insisting the other day that I haven't pulled my weight relative to the financial help she has been giving me (she doesn't count the overnight stays on Thursday as part of my 'hours' as we're asleep). Meanwhile I pointed out during a debate with DD at the beginning of the week that I always put her first and she replied 'no you don't, you put nan first most of the time' so that made me feel great 🙄😪.

Anyway, I had a meeting with an associate of DDs boss who is interested in me working with their company on a freelance basis. Ironically it's a company that installs handrails and wants to expand jnto other safety products for the elderly! Hopefully I will know what that is going to.look like in the next couple of weeks time and money wise.

My holiday has been whittled down from 15 nights including the Harrogate Crime Writers Festival to just a week in 'my' cottage, but I've set the money aside and am resisting all efforts from mum and DD to convince me otherwise.

Is it awful that I can't help fantasising thinking about the possibility that mum will not be here by the time DD goes to uni next year, and I might actually be able to breathe for the first time in years?

@MintyCedricRidesAgain that's easy, don't stop over on Thursdays then. Whatever you did, it wouldn't be enough and as long as she has you on that financial leash she's going to keep tugging it.

There is a market for a handyman service, I go to a craft group once a week where just about everyone is widowed. Those of us who were carried about by their husbands would love someone to cover little jobs like putting a shelf up or fixing up a new curtain rail. Safety equipment is nice but having jobs done is nicer.

@TheIoWfairy Idk how you would get a copy of the lpa that you are attorney for, I'd ring the office of the public guardian and ask. I would think that it's really common that the paperwork is put in a safe place that's so safe that it can't be found.

@Knotaknitter I did point out to her that if she had a carer staying overnight she wouldn't expect them to do it for free so it was a bit of a most point.

I don't particularly mind the overnights tbh, although they will stop once I'm working again.

I just hope the freelance job comes off...it sounds promising but they're a small family owned and run company so are needing to sort out the logistics. I've applied for several other very part time roles that I could fit around/alongside it, and have 2 full time applications in and another couple to apply for.

In the meantime have made a start on blitzing my garden in the hope we actually get a summer this year!

Minty, you ask "Is it awful that I can't help fantasising thinking about the possibility that mum will not be here by the time DD goes to uni next year, and I might actually be able to breathe for the first time in years?".

No, it's not awful, it is perfectly understandable given everything you have been through and what your mother is still doing to you, with the prospect of worse to come if she really is on a downward slide with her memory and ability to cope alone.

I have to admit that I have similar thoughts: the last 15 years of my life have been dominated by the needs of two elderly, disabled, frequently hospitalised and increasingly dependent parents, as well as bringing up two children on my own. DF died last year; I hoped that things might get easier this year once DM moved into a sheltered flat, but she only managed a few weeks there before ending up in hospital, and is now in a short-stay rehab unit awaiting cancer surgery, and needier than ever. She would rather be dead, and says so almost every time I see her, but sadly for her the cancer is not a generally aggressive type - just painful and undignified for her. I can't help feeling that the best possible outcome for both her and me would be for another stroke or heart attack (she has had both before) to carry her off before she has to cope with surgery and the aftermath.

Teenage DD meanwhile is doing every possible thing a teenager can do to muck up her own life, so the prospect of her managing to get to university any time soon looks slim. I am a lone parent (widowed), and my sister died a few years ago so it is all on me. Someone on another thread described a similar situation as being the 'family shock absorber', and that rang a lot of bells for me - I am sure it does to you too.

The one thing keeping me sane at the moment is regularly running away to visit DP, who handily lives several hours away on the other side of the country with hardly any phone reception, so when I am there, no one else can demand anything of me.

just dropping in to say hello- good to see so many old friends here but sorry you are still all having so much to deal with.
last chemo next week before a breather then on to radiotherapy….. fortunately dm is still going propped up by carers who are being great.
Sending good wishes to all.

@exexpat 15 years...and the loss of your sister too...that's brutal 😓.

At the moment if I'm not having to explain/repeat stuff to mum ad infinitum, or listen to her banal witterings about a range of subjects that I have no interest in and have sweet fa to do with her, I've got DD wanging on.

Tbf I'm very lucky, she's an amazing kid and we get on well, but she's very determined and that sometimes has a knock on impact as I often end up being dragged along/into things. She's just been offered an amazing work experience opportunity in London in a couple of months so I will need to help her sort out accommodation (hopefully with BIL & SIL)...it's also the week before I go away.

She is desperate to have a car to practice in and her own to drive by the time she goes back to college in September, assuming she passes her test, so is banging on about that relentlessly...wanting me to look at cars, insurance etc (she does it herself but obviously I wouldn't just rely on that).

She's got exams next week so I'm taxiing her a couple of those days as buses have been unreliable lately.

Then there's all the usual teenage shenanigans...oh and the 3 weekends on the trot of uni open days in June which XH had absolved himself of any input into.

The cottage I'm going to for my hols has great WiFi but no phone reception (or at least it didn't last time). I cannot bloody wait!

@MintyCedricRidesAgain It is unlikely that your daughter will be able to take her car to university, spaces are often only available for disabled students. That's three years where it will be sitting about depreciating for half the year. Has she thought about that? She needs to look carefully at insurance, some of the black box schemes have an early curfew that is not compatible with a bar job (or going out on the town which is exactly the point of it). Insurance for learners is expensive, for new drivers it is eye watering. If she looks at whether she can afford insurance once she's passed her test it might knock the idea on the head. The car could well cost less than the insurance and let's not talk about fuel costs. Her first job is to come up with a budget and see if she can afford it, that comes before looking at cars.

She has a decent job with hybrid working (mostly from home) so a curfew wouldn't necessarily be an issue. She also gets funding for travel from the college due to me being a single parent on CA/UC which would cover a fair chunk of the running costs...but it needs not to be silly money.

All going well she'll be going to London for uni so definitely won't need a car then but there's a lot of holiday. Ideally we'd probably keep it taxed and just insure it as and when she's home, but after the first year maybe consider selling it.

Is it awful that I can't help fantasising thinking about the possibility that mum will not be here by the time DD goes to uni next year, and I might actually be able to breathe for the first time in years? My DH has terminal cancer. I’m keeping fingers crossed that Dad goes first. Can’t face visiting Dad and watching his decline without the support of DH. (And, of course, the sheer maths, Dad has low remaining life expectancy, I want longer than that with DH)

So no, you’re not awful. You’re wanting the end of the situation, not for your mum to not be here.

Im feeling sorry for myself, but @exexpat , you put me to shame.

Minty what would be the costs of Sorning it during term time?

@MereDintofPandiculation and @exexpat If words could help I'd say them, or at least try to but you both have so much else on your plate other than care for older relatives. We trudge on a day at a time because we have no choice and the only way out of it is through it. I never thought I'd see a time again where I was happy but it is out there for me and for you too.

God I'm exhausted
Love to all x

@MereDintofPandiculation i am so sorry to read about your dh. There are no words that can make a difference. Thinking of you🌺🌺
@exexpat sending hugs.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm so sorry about your DH and I hope you have as long and as happy a time with him as possible.

I've been relieved to not have to deal with XH throughout the last few years, but losing Dad has made me realise that perhaps it would be nice to have someone to turn to when things go to shit after all. I've had a few dates over the last year which have been fine but not quite right. I'm not ready to commit to trying to meet someone atm but it's nice to think it may be something for the future, which I didn't expect when I got divorced.

Re the car...it would be such a faff to keep re-taxing it I think it'll be easier to look for something with cheap tax and just insure it for a month or two at a time when needed.

Anyway, she's going on mum's insurance for now and hopefully won't have to think about until after she's passed her test.

Good luck with the remaining treatment @thesandwich

@ChiswickFlo hope you get a bit of a break over the weekend.

Cockroach all...with a side serving of kumquats!

@thesandwich all good wishes x

@MereDintofPandiculation so sorry to hear your news x

@MintyCedricRidesAgain thank you. I'm rather enjoying the weekends "off" from mum! I'm sorry your mum has returned to form:(

Been told today mums "6 week colonoscopy" appointment due next week won't be until the autumn.

Thanks for your sympathy, everyone. We’re trying to enjoy every day as best we can and remember there’s no point in messing up today with anticipation what’s coming in the future

@MereDintofPandiculation sorry to read your news. You have supported so many of us.

I think most of us on here have multiple and varied burdens to deal with, so I really didn't want to start a woe-is-me top trumps situation...

I suppose when I list things it sounds pretty bad, but I have plenty of good things in my life too, and I know I have it a lot easier than many people: I have decent health, no major money worries, good friends, a supportive long-distance DP, the ability to run away and spend time in beautiful countryside to decompress etc.

I am very sorry to hear about your husband, MereDint. I hope you can enjoy every day you have together.

Sorry to hear about your husband Meredint I hope you manage to have some good times together.

Wondering if any of you can help... DF is due to have a fast track procedure done, DM keeps ringing hospital and cancelling the appointments... She's decided he doesn't need it done, can't possibly fast for 6 hours, has told the hospital he is 'nearly diabetic' and goes 'dolally' if he doesn't eat at set times (he isn't and doesn't') then tells us she wants 'nothing to do with it' then whispering to me that she's phoned the hospital and cancelled the appointment but I'm not allowed to tell anyone else!!!! He's profoundly deaf so GP etc can't speak to him on the phone and he's scared about the procedure, though doesn't know that she keeps cancelling it.. What on earth do we do?