To have told my dad he’s a tight arse.

[Twoweekcruise]

My parents are 80. My mum sadly has Alzheimer’s and other health issues. My dad is in good health.
They are both lucky in the sense that his two daughters (myself and younger dsis) both live within walking distance from them.
We help out as much as possible. My sister works full time and I, part time. My sister pops in and cleans for my parents once a week. I pop in most days, between dsis and I we do their washing. I organise all of mums hospital and doctors appointments, I wash and dry mums hair, cut and polish her nails, change and make their beds, take mum to a day centre once a week and generally keep a check on them as dad isn’t too good at most of these things (and says they aren’t yet ‘ready’ for carers or outside help!).
Before I carry on and for clarity, my parents are not hard up for money. Mum inherited several years ago from her parents and dad took it upon himself to invest ‘their’ money. They have many thousands (enough to buy a family home) in the bank. They do very little with their lives and their outs-goings are small.p, they spend little and of course that’s totally up to them!
Yesterday my 16 year old son and I visited nan and grandad (whilst I cut and painted my mums nails) and ds decided to stay after I left. My dsis was there, she was cleaning their house. She cleaned from 1-6pm. Ds swept their driveway and concreted an area in the back garden for grandad.
When ds returned he said my dad had given him £10 and my dsis £20 for their help.
I messaged my sister and asked if he gave her that amount each week and she said yes but she doesn’t do it for the money. I said that’s not the point. She is a professional cleaner and charges £15 per hour.
I’ve told him today that isn’t on, he should pay her more, ffs she was cleaning for 5 bloody hours for a measly £20.
AIBU to think he should step up and pay her more, seeing that it’s him not pulling his weight and cleaning his own bloody house, it’s minging.

Twoweekcruise I can fully sympathise and empathise with your situation. My DM refuses any outside care from carers etc so looking after her has fallen to my sibling and I. We visit her every other day despite having our own health and other issues. I always swore blind I would never get myself in this situation but it crept up on me.
I really feel for you and your sister.

The issue is times are hard for everyone if you are working as a cleaner for £15 an hour life isn’t going be amazing. If it was quick half hour once a week running hoover over when you popped in for cup of tea that’s one thing but 5h is half a working week a month. That’s a lot of time when you could be working and earning.

Very different if they had basic pension and not a penny to their name but yes would feel difficult for me too.

I would be tempted to suggest popping in for a hour to do basic wipe of kitchen and bathroom but anything else they need get cleaner in as you need to be working as many hours as you can.

I’m a disabled adult had to have carers in my. 30s yes it’s an adjustment but you crack on plenty of people pay for cleaners, ironing ladies, gardeners or window cleaners it’s not anything unusually. Point blanking refusing paid help while also expecting family to provide for free not on. They can take strain of dogsbody work and you can do hospital and managing things that’s harder get a paid carer to do.

It can be really tough caring for parents, it takes up a lot of time and can be incredibly draining.

I wouldn’t ever accept financial reward for it tho, I just see it as my duty as a daughter. I’m sure they found me incredibly time consuming, emotionally draining and expensive during my childhood.

But if you feel it’s necessary to charge for your services I’d withdraw all offers of help and wait for social services to get involved.

Wow. I assume you've already reimbursed your parents for all the costs they incurred in raising you? If not, why not?

I think 5 hours is too much

My elderly mum pays a cleaner for a couple of hours a fortnight.

Maybe you should get an independent cleaner for your parents.

What helped with getting my late DM to accept help in the end, was that someone my DB knew recommended a lovely person who would come and do some cleaning and gardening twice a week. It was the personal connection that led to her accepting it - and the fact that the girl who came was absolutely lovely and spent time with my DM. She would bring her packed lunch and eat it with DM when she had her lunch. They became friends, and she was so reliable and good to have around, company for DM as well as help.

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

To be honest I wouldn't expect my parents to pay me for helping them out, I would just do it for them whatever their financial situation.

Totally agree. They are your parents.

I think he should pay for a cleaner. I wouldn't expect my parents to pay for help but if it was cleaning 5 hours a week a wouldn't expect to be doing that either. Best you detach yourselves from it. It's an issue because that's your sisters job so it muddies the water - but 5 hours cleaning is a bit much

@CrimbleCrumble1

Twoweekcruise I can fully sympathise and empathise with your situation. My DM refuses any outside care from carers etc so looking after her has fallen to my sibling and I. We visit her every other day despite having our own health and other issues. I always swore blind I would never get myself in this situation but it crept up on me. I really feel for you and your sister.

Thank you, it really does creep up on you. It’s not as cut and dried as some MN members seem to believe it to be.

@HyacynthBucket

What helped with getting my late DM to accept help in the end, was that someone my DB knew recommended a lovely person who would come and do some cleaning and gardening twice a week. It was the personal connection that led to her accepting it - and the fact that the girl who came was absolutely lovely and spent time with my DM. She would bring her packed lunch and eat it with DM when she had her lunch. They became friends, and she was so reliable and good to have around, company for DM as well as help.

I like this idea too. Someone who could provide a bit of companionship in addition to the chores.

Does you dad get many visitors?

One argument you can try is keeping them out of a care home for as long as possible. Failure to accept care when needed may mean care home comes earlier

My elderly relative has a cleaner

When we employed the cleaner, we requested 60% socialising & 40% cleaning & this has worked out well

An employed cleaner also allows the family to go on holiday or sick too

@Twoweekcruise as a pp said, so many sanctimonious comments - clearly there are living saints amongst us. My personal view is that if helping a parent stops you earning elsewhere then that’s a reason for accepting payment. However, do you think it is also about feeling appreciated? Every article of food or consumer goods my parent has had in the past 3 years has been brought in by me along with a long list of other jobs I do. I’m not walking distance either. It takes a full day of every weekend, rules out trips away and impacts on my young son. I work FT and earn a pretty decent wage so fortunately I’m not desperate for money but in the supermarket I visit every week for them I do sometimes think, would it be so hard for my parent to occasionally tell me to choose some wine for myself or some chocs? Or to offer to pay for something for my son? I’m
Not talking me quaffing wine from a limited pension btw, a gesture would be well within their means. Part of my ill feeling is that I have a sibling who does little to nothing. My parent likes to talk about how they have always treated us equally. Yes, but not equitably.

On a more practical note, attendance allowance can be a Trojan horse to get some
paid care in. It is the only non-means tested benefit. I claimed on my parents behalf and presented it as ‘free money’ that HAD to be spent on care. That way I got a little gardening help, and some limited home help in. It is expensive- £25-£30 per hour but even a few hours has helped. Be aware though that you swop your blue collar role as
cleaner for the white collar role of manager - getting help in generally means you having to manage it including the parental moans, complaints.