To have told my dad he’s a tight arse.

[Twoweekcruise]

My parents are 80. My mum sadly has Alzheimer’s and other health issues. My dad is in good health.
They are both lucky in the sense that his two daughters (myself and younger dsis) both live within walking distance from them.
We help out as much as possible. My sister works full time and I, part time. My sister pops in and cleans for my parents once a week. I pop in most days, between dsis and I we do their washing. I organise all of mums hospital and doctors appointments, I wash and dry mums hair, cut and polish her nails, change and make their beds, take mum to a day centre once a week and generally keep a check on them as dad isn’t too good at most of these things (and says they aren’t yet ‘ready’ for carers or outside help!).
Before I carry on and for clarity, my parents are not hard up for money. Mum inherited several years ago from her parents and dad took it upon himself to invest ‘their’ money. They have many thousands (enough to buy a family home) in the bank. They do very little with their lives and their outs-goings are small.p, they spend little and of course that’s totally up to them!
Yesterday my 16 year old son and I visited nan and grandad (whilst I cut and painted my mums nails) and ds decided to stay after I left. My dsis was there, she was cleaning their house. She cleaned from 1-6pm. Ds swept their driveway and concreted an area in the back garden for grandad.
When ds returned he said my dad had given him £10 and my dsis £20 for their help.
I messaged my sister and asked if he gave her that amount each week and she said yes but she doesn’t do it for the money. I said that’s not the point. She is a professional cleaner and charges £15 per hour.
I’ve told him today that isn’t on, he should pay her more, ffs she was cleaning for 5 bloody hours for a measly £20.
AIBU to think he should step up and pay her more, seeing that it’s him not pulling his weight and cleaning his own bloody house, it’s minging.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to pay me. But I do agree £20 is a bit of a measly amount.
It sounds like you both do a lot for them, I understand they say they don’t need a carer yet but it sounds like they could do with some professional help e.g cleaner / gardener. I think you need to have a proper family discussion and get something more sustainable and future proofed in place - that’s what I would do.

I would never have charged my mam for any help that I gave her. I would do it because I love her.

Yes I do have experience of dementia. Mam is now in a care home with Alzheimer’s.

OP, carers wont do what you & your sister do, & they don't come cheap either. Get them in & see how it goes, then you can spend more quality time with your parents rather than doing all the crap jobs.

The amount of people who aren't "ready" for outside help because they have their stressed out adult children running round after them makes my blood boil!

But you are allowing this situation.

Have a chat with your sister and decide what you want to happen and then if you no longer wish to spend the time you could be with your own families doing all this, then tell your father he now has to have some cleaners, carers etc come in.

I'm sure your sister, who works full time, had things she'd rather be doing on a Saturday two weeks before Christmas?

But surely 2 hours a week would be enough unless they have a huge house? I still think this should be done by someone other than your sister and your parents who are very well off should pay for it.

They seem to be taking you both for granted.

Hopefully telling him the truth, that it is not enough £ will help.
It might feel rude, surely most of us hate awkward money situations but he needed to be told it is too low an amount. He probably isn't thinking about how much these things actually cost but perhaps now he will.

I would not expect to charge my parents going rate.

I hope when I'm elderly i will be happy to spend what I've 'scrimped and saved for all my life' and buy in services as needed rather than allow busy adult Dc with lives, jobs and families of their own to run round after me indefinitely. I suppose they think they're 'fiercely independant' too.
Part of the reason A&E is clogged up, is due to many elderly who can well afford, refusing to pay for carers and falling about at home and in and out of hospital like a revolving door. Saw this for many years as a disctrict nurse. My GM was the same with my DM. It sure tainted the last few years of their relationship.
What else is your money for in your last few years if not to buy in help to ensure you are safe, warm and cared for?
You have choices however, and will live with the consequences of what you choose to do.

I won't expect my mum to pay me at all, but this is me, I am not judging you op as I am not in your shoes.
I guess, with old age, comes insecurity that money will help to reduce, which we might not understand now. One of my biggest regret is that I asked my dear dear grandma for more pocket money than what she was comfortable to give. I still remember the fear (a strange word I know, not to me, but to life maybe) in her eyes when she went through her wallet.

I wish I could have given her more money to ease her anxiety.

This is slightly off-topic OP, but I just wanted to say your 16 year of DS sounds like a great person for going over and spending time with them, as well as tidying and concreting for them.

Plenty of kids that age would never bother.

You can’t be serious .

Who takes money off their elderly parents for helping them ?

I can see why they might bung their grandchildren a tenner from time to time but I can’t believe you think adult children of elderly parents should get paid !

YABU.

There shouldn't be conditions attached to helping people out.
I'd feel really embarrassed if my Dad had paid me for helping to keep his house clean.

And if you have actually told your dad he is a tight arse that is proper shitty behaviour and i hope if you are ever in your 80s with a spouse who has Alzheimer’s you will look back on your younger self with shame.

@WhatATimeToBeAlive

To be honest I wouldn't expect my parents to pay me for helping them out, I would just do it for them whatever their financial situation.

This

If it was 5hrs every week then yes he should contribute a bit more. Maybe not the £15 she gets an hour but let's say £10 an hour as it is family. I think you and your sister need to stage an intervention and get some outside help as it will come at a detriment to your own lives. Maybe pull back a bit to show that you both aren't so readily available.

Do they claim Attendance Allowance?

I wouldn't accept any money for the things your DSis and you are doing at all from my parents in those circumstances. I think YABU.

I wouldn’t expect my parents to pay me. You both offered to help, they didn’t ask.

How many times in your life have your parents charged you for doing stuff for you?
Either do it because you want to or stop, parent/child relationships shouldn't be so transactional.

i think there are two things here. If your sister is happy to clean for 5 hours for your parents then fine.
If she isn't then she needs to be open with your father about the fact that she can't do it but will help him to find paid help.
I think it rarely works to do business in the family so I would not suggest a "going rate" relationship.
Same with everything else really. Either its family stuff and and its done without expectation or its a business relationship.

Suggest your father claims attendance allowance for your Mum, this can cover your sisters lost wages

Yabu! Why is she taking money from him at all?

This… If you’re doing it for the money then do the job for someone else. If you’re doing it cos they’re your parents, then it’s cheeky to expect to be paid for it at all. Sure they didn’t charge you and your sister for meals and boarding when you were children.

I'd never ask my grown children to be my hired help.
When they come over, I want to visit with them.

He really needs to get people in so you and your sister can have your life back and go to visit and spend time with them.

I would tell him that. You'd rather spend time with him and not cleaning up.

I never charged my (now late) parents for any help I gave them. The only time I'd hope for payment would be if I financially disadvantaged myself to help them (which I never had to do). Meaning if I had to regularly reduce my work hours or take time without pay to the point where I couldn't meet my own budget or financial obligations.

That being said, my mother provided care and services for her parents and it ran her and her sister ragged and really curtailed the amount of time Mum and Dad could live their own lives. So she always swore she and Dad would never be a 'burden' to my siblings and I. She hired a cleaner when the house got to be too much and when Dad, who had a neuro condition, deteriorated past her ability to care for him, she hired help to come in to provide personal services for him. We still did 'little things' here and there like run some laundry, a bit of housecleaning, driving them to and fro, 'sitting' with Dad when Mum went out, and DBro took over their 'admin'. It allowed us all to enjoy each other and spend time with our parents just visiting and reminiscing rather than cleaning and cooking.

If your folks have the ability to pay others for services, they should do so. We can provide loving care to our parents in ways other than cleaning their houses or doing their hair and nails (if doing them becomes difficult).

My own mum had dementia so I know how hard it can be at times to care for them. It can be very painful when someone you love so much starts slipping away from you. "The long goodbye", indeed. Mum eventually had to go into a care home where she was looked after with care and compassion. Again, it allowed us to visit and enjoy time with her in a safe, caring, and clean environment rather than trying to 'be all and do all' for her.