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Elderly parents
Original poster

Grandad in law coming to live with us

65 replies

Youhavesomethinginyourteeth · 01/12/2021 19:53

As the title says my DHs grandad is coming to live with us. He's 85 and is struggling on his own, he doesn't want to live in his flat anymore. It's freezing cold and not appropriate. He's coming to stay with us until he can get sheltered housing somewhere...

He has 2 daughters and other grandkids who I'm hoping will help and he broke down in tears when we offered he is so grateful.

I'm more than happy to have him but I'm also freaking out a bit. We have 3 year old dd and my DH has 3 kids that we have overnight every other weekend, his son will have to give up his room for grandad and stay on a camp bed. I'm feeling bad about that.

I don't know what to expect really, there's lots to sort out and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Are there things I need to know? I'm going to write a plan but don't know where to start.

Any advice anyone has would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Silvershroud · 04/12/2021 02:53

I've had inlaws stay twice, for a few days...that turned into weeks...then months...then no end insight until I lost my temper completely and it caused irreparable family damage. I would honestly say we would separate straight away if it was suggested we do it again.

alexdgr8 · 04/12/2021 03:18

@Happy1982ish

The very fact that your plan involved putting a very elderly and poor mobility and in not great health…. In an attic Really does indicate that despite your kind intentions You really have not thought this through
i agree. i think your kindness and optimism are outrunning sensible decisions. has he had a care needs assessment by social services. i doubt they would be happy with this plan. may even give rise to some safeguarding concerns. could you build an extension?
Maskless · 04/12/2021 06:13

@Happy1982ish

This does not sound appropriate For anyone at all - not you, not your family, not your grandad

He should be looking for a care home

Hmm, what do you think humans did for all the thousands of years in history before care homes existed?
Maskless · 04/12/2021 06:16

Yeah, the attic does not seem to be a sensible choice unless you can install two stair lifts or a passenger lift.

Possibly you could have the attic suite and granddad can have your bedroom.

countrygirl99 · 04/12/2021 06:36

OP, even if he can cope in the attic now, this is ghe best he's going to be. Maybe he elle he like my dad who took until hos mud 90s to be very frail but hasn't been able to cope with stairs for the last 12 years. Maybe he will he like MIL who had a catastrophic stroke at 76 and has been in a wheelchair and unable to speak ever since. Maybe he will br like my mum (83) who has early stage dementia, doesn't accept it snd leaves chaos in her wake while gaining she is coping just fine. Whatever, how he is now won't last so how will you cope then? That's what you need to plan for.

Happy1982ish · 04/12/2021 07:07

@Maskless

Well thankfully we’ve made huge progress in terms of care for the elderly over the past “thousands of years” Grin

There’s alternatives to 85 year old grandad with mobility Problems moving to the attic bedroom

JSL52 · 04/12/2021 09:12

@Happy1982ish

Are you, your husband and your grandad fully vaccinated?
?
sluj · 04/12/2021 09:24

The good news is that there is very low demand for sheltered housing so he is unlikely to be with you for long.
Get him on the list for your local council choice based lettings scheme now. Having relatives in the area will make him eligible even if he hasn't moved in yet.
Demand is so low that many housing associations are advertising their properties on Right Move. Approach the local sheltered block managers directly as many HAS also keep their own waiting lists.

Whereabouts are you OP?

MereDintofPandiculation · 04/12/2021 09:44

@Happy1982ish yes, even if 100% self funding, LA have a duty to assess needs and can arrange care. In the current financial circumstances, some LAs are trying to duck this, but the responsibility is there. Family have no legal responsibility to provide or arrange.

DF is entirely self funding. LA provided care, and the bills were sent to him (actually, me,as I have PoA). When he needed emergency nursing home admittance they arranged that, too.

Larryyourwaiter · 04/12/2021 09:45

I think long term putting someone with the start of mobility issues in an attic room seems a huge error. This isn’t a long term solution at all.
I can see how you might want to do this temporarily. Beware how much others who are currently helping will step away if they know someone else has taken over.

Happy1982ish · 04/12/2021 10:38

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation

Lockdownbear · 04/12/2021 19:12

@sluj

The good news is that there is very low demand for sheltered housing so he is unlikely to be with you for long. Get him on the list for your local council choice based lettings scheme now. Having relatives in the area will make him eligible even if he hasn't moved in yet. Demand is so low that many housing associations are advertising their properties on Right Move. Approach the local sheltered block managers directly as many HAS also keep their own waiting lists. Whereabouts are you OP?
I'm surprised you think their is low demand for Sheltered Housing. I've never seen a HA or LA sheltered house on Rightmove.

Are you sure you aren't mixing up Sheltered housing with private £££ "retirement complexes" which have very high maintenance / support fees which families need to keep paying even after the person has died or moved on to a care home.

sluj · 04/12/2021 21:06

Trust me, I work in social housing and we get applicants through Right Move and through our own waiting lists all the time as the council are often unable to provide nominations due to low demand.

Candleabra · 04/12/2021 22:09

@toomuchlaundry

I wonder how many parents of the posters on here who are saying it was lovely having their dependent grandparents living with them, especially the mums who were probably, doing most of the caring, found it such a lovely experience.

I look back fondly on Christmases with my grandma staying with us for a few days, when I was a child, little realising the stress my mum was under entertaining her difficult MIL.

I agree with this. OP it’s a wonderfully kind offer, but the fact you’ve made it shows you really haven’t thought this through. Please listen to everyone on here and use the points raised as the start of a list of things to sort out. Do not go into this with blind optimism. Caring is hard. Physically and mentally exhausting. It can take over your life to the detriment of every other relation. You don’t want your kids to take second place.
ikeptgoing · 06/12/2021 20:53

I have a very important question ...

He is already in sheltered housing application list - in his local borough council- does your grandad live in same borough council ( ie for housing list) as where you live?

(Local borough council (BC) for housing is local council who do bins and council tax, as opposed to the local authority ie county council who do social care)

When you move BC areas it can restart and you have to apply again for housing. My understanding Is that to be eligible for housing you have to be resident in local area for 6 + months under Housing legislation before they can add to local BC housing list
I'd be checking that and talking yo local BC housing officer to see if makes any difference as being in cold unheated (??for a rental 😮that doesn't sound right) unsuitable flat might have given him extra points on the list- in our area he'd be rehoused into sheltered warm accommodation within 2-3 months - however I understand other areas have longer wait lists

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