Grandad in law coming to live with us

[Youhavesomethinginyourteeth]

As the title says my DHs grandad is coming to live with us. He's 85 and is struggling on his own, he doesn't want to live in his flat anymore. It's freezing cold and not appropriate. He's coming to stay with us until he can get sheltered housing somewhere...

He has 2 daughters and other grandkids who I'm hoping will help and he broke down in tears when we offered he is so grateful.

I'm more than happy to have him but I'm also freaking out a bit. We have 3 year old dd and my DH has 3 kids that we have overnight every other weekend, his son will have to give up his room for grandad and stay on a camp bed. I'm feeling bad about that.

I don't know what to expect really, there's lots to sort out and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Are there things I need to know? I'm going to write a plan but don't know where to start.

Any advice anyone has would be much appreciated.

@BigSandyBalls2015

It's a lovely thing to do OP, but as other have said, he may deteriorate and need much more care. Where are DH's parents in all this?

They don't have a spare room, they are in sheltered housing already. No one else in the family really has the space.

@Dontslamit

My Nan loved with us for 5 years before she died ( at home ) at 95 when my 3 kids were young . Best thing ever.

My grandad moved into my childhood house when I was 18, I had to go live with my sister but I still saw him loads and they were some of our loveliest memories.

I can't believe someone called it 'inappropriate'. If you can do it, and would like to do it, there is nothing inappropriate about it. I think there's no nicer way for him to spend his years than with his grandson and his family. You say he pretty much raised him; they are obviously close. I hope it all goes well OP x

@toomuchlaundry

Has he been using stairs in his current accommodation?

He's barely been going out. He can use them but it takes him a long time and it's dangerous him doing it alone.

Exactly. And I’m guessing that’s why you looking for ways to try and make this happen rather than giving a straight ‘no’!!!

@Lockdownbear

It sounds like he owns the flat. He may well be eligible for grants for modern storage heaters that have better controls and insulation. To be eligible you need to be receiving government money, pensions would qualify him. Is he using the ones he has properly and on an economy tariff. Is he also using his washing machine during off peak hours?

Windows I don't know but their might also be grants available.

However doing those things will make it a more attractive purchase for others too.

I really don't think this sounds a good idea. I think it will be much better for him to retain his independence.
And for you not to become a carer for potentially the next 10 years.

You sound like you've offered this up feeling sorry for him without fully thinking it through of thinking long term.
Long term because they'll always be someone higher on the sheltered housing priority list than someone with 24hr care.

Really unfair on the child no longer having a proper bed in his Dads house., loud music, toys (trip hazards), and that's before you consider teens and the issues that come with that.

Look at all options.

We've actually sorted the situation with the kids beds. Sort of. You're right and it didn't sit well with me them not having a bed. It's complicated to explain but they will still have a bedroom.

He rents the flat. I think the long and short of it is that we love him. All he wants is to be warm and around family. We can offer that. It might not be perfect, there will probably be issues I haven't thought about, it will be hard I have no doubt. But he's been a good grandad and great grandad and he's very important to us. It feels like the right thing to do.

Is he going to end up isolated in the attic room as he won't be able to use the stairs? How big is the ensuite, is there space for any aids he may need like a walking frame, hand grips, sit in shower etc

@Wallabyone

I can't believe someone called it 'inappropriate'. If you can do it, and would like to do it, there is nothing inappropriate about it. I think there's no nicer way for him to spend his years than with his grandson and his family. You say he pretty much raised him; they are obviously close. I hope it all goes well OP x

In guessing you have no experience of caring for an elderly infirm relatives whilst looking after young children?

Even with private rent he can apply for new heaters, the application needs to come from him rather than the landlord as its him who makes the savings.

I really don't think putting him in the attic will be much good, 2 sets of stairs when he struggles with presumably 1 at the moment.

How comfortable are you going to feel inviting friends round while Gramps is sitting there, no guarantee he'll make himself scarce.
Do you want his friends in your place?

If he stays where he is how long for a sheltered house?

I obviously don’t know what your attic stairs look like but you would be amazed at what they can do with stair lifts now. I would still research this it could make the world of difference

Oh and you can either buy or rent them so if he’s only with you a few months due to sheltered accommodation coming through it might still be worth it

I think you are doing a lovely thing but putting him the attic unless he is still very steady on his feet ( unlikely they will go from under him as opposed to him loosing balance as you can fit hand rails on both sides of stairs) might be a bit risky.

I moved in with my Grandad when we was ill and don't regret it at all and it will probably be very positive for your DC and DSC and you might even get a hand with him keeping an eye and entertaining while he is able and I really hope it works out well for you all

How will you get him
Out of the house in an emergency. Such as a fire etc. if he's not great on stairs.

I wonder how many parents of the posters on here who are saying it was lovely having their dependent grandparents living with them, especially the mums who were probably, doing most of the caring, found it such a lovely experience.

I look back fondly on Christmases with my grandma staying with us for a few days, when I was a child, little realising the stress my mum was under entertaining her difficult MIL.

I am willing to care for him as he needs but am worried about it falling mostly to me. My mum has been a carer for over 30 years so she has offered some help if needed.

That sounds as though women will be doing the care. That would cause resentment for me, if DH didn't expect to do the majority of the care when he was there. Especially as you have children. And, I don't know if you have done a lot of the care for DH's DC as well.

@toomuchlaundry

I wonder how many parents of the posters on here who are saying it was lovely having their dependent grandparents living with them, especially the mums who were probably, doing most of the caring, found it such a lovely experience.

I look back fondly on Christmases with my grandma staying with us for a few days, when I was a child, little realising the stress my mum was under entertaining her difficult MIL.

I’m not sure they are? I think they are talking about experience of the OP’s situation of having a grandparent live with them as an adult with their own children .

@toomuchlaundry, I agree,
I know a now very elderly lady who had her mum move in when she was widowed with young children. She admitted she found the teen years doubly hard, teen tantrums and granny putting her nose in with older views.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be another generation removed. And another generation of acceptable curfew times and all that stuff.

I think you should apply for new heaters for his flat and have him come to you short term over Christmas, on a try before you both commit to it.

Care - LA will provide but will assess his savings and income and ask for a contribution from him. If he has more than I think £23k, he’ll be completely self funding, and you have the option of bypassing the LA completely, although we found it more convenient to let them organise. (We didn’t have a financial assessment, just said firmly he was self funding - saved a big paperwork job).

Could he have your living room and move the family’s living room into the attic?

I'm a paramedic, and honestly, putting an 85yo with poor mobility in an attic is a terrible idea for all concerned.

If he is independent, what if he starts trying to tackle the stairs by himself. Independent and stubborn often go hand in hand. You are creating a massive fall risk.

How would you get him out quickly in the event of a fire?

If he becomes unwell or has a minor fall how do you intend to get down to the car to a GP appointment or a&e. If he is seriously unwell your expectation is that someone will carry him downstairs, yes that is part of our job, but don't think for a minute that it doesn't piss is off when clearly inappropriate decisions have been made by you in advance.

He needs to be in a ground floor bedroom, with a commode if no downstairs toilet is available, and then he can walk upstairs with assistance, IF he is having a good day, for a shower.

I think you need to make it clear its a temporary arrangement while you look for suitable accommodation (warden controlled / sheltered housing is probably most appropriate?).
I'd be a bit wary putting him in the attic room
if he's used to living on one level and is unsteady. The last thing he needs is a tumble down the stairs.

I agree thinking of putting an 80+ person on a top floor with lots of stairs, is not practical !

If he has no central heating & rents. Why can't you find him somewhere else to rent that has heating ?

If he lives with you. You will need to discuss how much he will pay for food, bills & rent.

Lovely of you to offer, but needs some more thought

The very fact that your plan involved putting a very elderly and poor mobility and in not great health…. In an attic
Really does indicate that despite your kind intentions
You really have not thought this through

@MereDintofPandiculation

Care - LA will provide but will assess his savings and income and ask for a contribution from him. If he has more than I think £23k, he’ll be completely self funding, and you have the option of bypassing the LA completely, although we found it more convenient to let them organise. (We didn’t have a financial assessment, just said firmly he was self funding - saved a big paperwork job).

Could he have your living room and move the family’s living room into the attic?

Even if 100% self funding Can LA sort? Even if there is family?

Op if he lives in a second floor flat currently
Then surely you can see that is NOT the same as what you’re suggesting

His bathroom, kitchen, dining table, lounge… all on the same floor

@Happy1982ish Op has some sort of idea of creating him a Bed-sit in the attic but reality is he's unlikely to want to sit in the attic alone when there's company downstairs.

I can't think of anything worse than not being able to have a girlie chat with friends because GFIL is looking to join in.

He's not going to want to act like a teenager taking his visitors up 2 flights of stairs to his bedroom.

It sounds like a spur of the moment decision to offer that hasn't been thought through at all practically.