Grandad in law coming to live with us

[Youhavesomethinginyourteeth]

As the title says my DHs grandad is coming to live with us. He's 85 and is struggling on his own, he doesn't want to live in his flat anymore. It's freezing cold and not appropriate. He's coming to stay with us until he can get sheltered housing somewhere...

He has 2 daughters and other grandkids who I'm hoping will help and he broke down in tears when we offered he is so grateful.

I'm more than happy to have him but I'm also freaking out a bit. We have 3 year old dd and my DH has 3 kids that we have overnight every other weekend, his son will have to give up his room for grandad and stay on a camp bed. I'm feeling bad about that.

I don't know what to expect really, there's lots to sort out and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Are there things I need to know? I'm going to write a plan but don't know where to start.

Any advice anyone has would be much appreciated.

You are doing what I would have done for my grandfather and my daughter would have done for her grandparents if at all possible.

As a family we have "form" for 3 generation living so it's pretty much normal as far as we are concerned. Obviously if there are any aids in his flat you will need to bring them with you. Depending on how much support he needs and how long he will be staying with you (is it realistic to think that he will move into sheltered accommodation?) you might want to think about applying for Attendance Allowance and or Carers Allowance.

It's very kind of you to take him in, but don't be surprised if other family members don't step up - better not to get your hopes up than be disappointed if they leave you to it. Also, the fact you are taking him in means that he will be a lower priority for social services - they are stretched to breaking point.

That aside, you need to have some very frank duscussions with your DH about the future, and how much you are willing to do for his grandad. For instance, if he becomes incontinent, would you be willing to help him with his toilet and bathing needs? Do you think your DH is assuming that as you are home with a toddler then you will take on the caring duties, in the way that you might care for another child? Are there any signs of dementia? That can make things very hard, and would put a strain on your family. I admire you wanting to help, but this "temporary" stay could easily go on for a lot longer than you think, possibly years, and it's often the woman in the household who is left with the main caring duties.

Does he have his own finances?

Will he cope with so many children around? How will you and DH fit around looking after DC, work and Grandad. Who will do personal care if needed?

What are the rules for becoming eligible for sheltered housing, and will he be pushed down the queue by coming to live with you? That doesn't necessarily mean you still wouldn't do it, but it's best to know what might happen.

Have finances been discussed? What costs will there be for him living with you and how will those be covered?

What level of looking after does he need and who will do it? If he reaches the point of needing personal care to wash, dress, go to the toilet, who will do that?

Have direct conversations with the family members you 'hope' will help. Don't assume anything and don't just wait for them to offer.

Is the sheltered housing he wants to go to provided by the council? I would think very hard about this. Services are very stretched and if they think he has someone who will fulfil his caring and housing needs (you) he is unlikely to be a priority for any help. He may deteriorate quickly and you'll find yourself doing far more than you originally bargained for.

Have you really thought this through?

The other family members aren't likely to step up, what's the plan for you to get a holiday?

Is he really going to want to be around toddlers all the time?

How are you going to deal with him criticising your parenting - remember it's a very long time since he had very young children - times have changed.

I'd be more looking at why is his flat so cold, is he putting the heating on?
And getting carers to check on him.

@Youhavesomethinginyourteeth I think it’s going to be ok. Try not to stress or worry. You are doing a beautiful thing for your elderly relative. And I think your children will always remember this kindness in a positive way. I hope you all enjoy his company while he stays and it’s a good experience for all of you.

Sheltered housing nearby sounds like a very good option. As others have said - if he comes to live with you, he will be much less likely to get assistance from social services and you do need to be prepared to be in this for the long haul. Could he come to you for a holiday while the flat is sorted out? Could then look at a care package in the flat and a rota of family visits whilst waiting/pushing for sheltered. I say this as someone who loves old people (sadly all my elders are gone now) but who is also very practical about the realities of caring. If you feel you and your DH can do it - that’s great, really lovely, but think it through very carefully for Grandad’s sake as much as yours and your children’s. Good luck!

@GooseberryJam

What are the rules for becoming eligible for sheltered housing, and will he be pushed down the queue by coming to live with you? That doesn't necessarily mean you still wouldn't do it, but it's best to know what might happen.

Have finances been discussed? What costs will there be for him living with you and how will those be covered?

What level of looking after does he need and who will do it? If he reaches the point of needing personal care to wash, dress, go to the toilet, who will do that?

Have direct conversations with the family members you 'hope' will help. Don't assume anything and don't just wait for them to offer.

Literally all of this.

Does he have a social worker? Is he connected with services? Has he got a care plan of any kind? Do you actually know if/how he's eligible for housing?

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer some questions, someone from the care team saw him yesterday and said him temporarily staying with family won't affect his sheltered housing application. But this is one of my worries too, I know how stretched social services is.

He does have his own private and state pensions so is ok for money.

I am willing to care for him as he needs but am worried about it falling mostly to me. My mum has been a carer for over 30 years so she has offered some help if needed.

He's still fairly independent but very unsteady on his feet so at the moment he just needs help when out and about. If he needed help using the toilet/washing etc I would help him.

We've thought about it a bit more and he's going to be in the attic (which probs sounds ridiculous after saying he's unsteady) because there's an en suite and I can make it like a little bedsit. And him having to top floor may give me and DH an illusion of privacy.

I'm hoping it goes well. Thanks for the reality check about DHs family. I should set my expectations accordingly. Dh spoke to his mum last night who assured they will help but we'll have to see what happens.

DH and his grandad are very close (I'm quite close with him too), he raised him in a lot of ways so if this what I need to do I'll do it. I am a bit scared though!

Thanks everyone for the advice

[quote ImustLearn2Cook]@Youhavesomethinginyourteeth I think it’s going to be ok. Try not to stress or worry. You are doing a beautiful thing for your elderly relative. And I think your children will always remember this kindness in a positive way. I hope you all enjoy his company while he stays and it’s a good experience for all of you. [/quote]
Thank you 💜

@Lockdownbear

Have you really thought this through?

The other family members aren't likely to step up, what's the plan for you to get a holiday?

Is he really going to want to be around toddlers all the time?

How are you going to deal with him criticising your parenting - remember it's a very long time since he had very young children - times have changed.

I'd be more looking at why is his flat so cold, is he putting the heating on?
And getting carers to check on him.

His flat is really old, doesn't have central heating or double glazing, just useless electric heaters which cost a fortune to run. He's been very stubborn about leaving previously as he's been in the flat for 40 years! But he has realised he cannot cope or afford it anymore and has broken down at the thought of another freezing winter. I don't think he'll critise my parenting, he's very laid back and we have a good relationship. I am comfortable enough with him to tell him to piss off 😅

This does not sound appropriate
For anyone at all - not you, not your family, not your grandad

He should be looking for a care home

@GooseberryJam

What are the rules for becoming eligible for sheltered housing, and will he be pushed down the queue by coming to live with you? That doesn't necessarily mean you still wouldn't do it, but it's best to know what might happen.

Have finances been discussed? What costs will there be for him living with you and how will those be covered?

What level of looking after does he need and who will do it? If he reaches the point of needing personal care to wash, dress, go to the toilet, who will do that?

Have direct conversations with the family members you 'hope' will help. Don't assume anything and don't just wait for them to offer.

Thank you. Dh family are coming over Sat to discuss options. DH auntie already does a lot for him, taking him to appts etc and she will continue to do that. But I will be firm and tell them they have to help us.

I think I may have to prepare that it could be longer term than I'm expecting...

Does he own the flat?

Agree with others that it's extremely kind of you. But at that age health can decline suddenly and you may find you've taken on more than you expected. You need to make sure he retains his own independence. If you cook his meals and do his washing for him he may find it difficult to return to semi-independent living.

Also, are you sure an 85 year old will manage stairs to the attic?

My Nan loved with us for 5 years before she died ( at home ) at 95 when my 3 kids were young . Best thing ever.

Lived not loved!!!!

It's a lovely thing to do OP, but as other have said, he may deteriorate and need much more care. Where are DH's parents in all this?

Does he own or rent his flat?
With regard to your attic bedsit plan you have for him, how will he get up and down from there is he's unsteady in his feet? Is it set up that a stairlift could be put in if needed?

Are you, your husband and your grandad fully vaccinated?

Has he been using stairs in his current accommodation?

It sounds like he owns the flat.
He may well be eligible for grants for modern storage heaters that have better controls and insulation. To be eligible you need to be receiving government money, pensions would qualify him.
Is he using the ones he has properly and on an economy tariff. Is he also using his washing machine during off peak hours?

Windows I don't know but their might also be grants available.

However doing those things will make it a more attractive purchase for others too.

I really don't think this sounds a good idea. I think it will be much better for him to retain his independence.
And for you not to become a carer for potentially the next 10 years.

You sound like you've offered this up feeling sorry for him without fully thinking it through of thinking long term.
Long term because they'll always be someone higher on the sheltered housing priority list than someone with 24hr care.

Really unfair on the child no longer having a proper bed in his Dads house., loud music, toys (trip hazards), and that's before you consider teens and the issues that come with that.

Look at all options.

He still wants to be independent. He wants the attic because it's big with en suite so he wants to bring his kettle, microwave etc. There's room for his home chair.

We will have to help him get up and down the stairs when he wants to go out but I'm not sure he'll go out too often. Probs one evening a week to play snooker with DH and to bookies occasionally. Although I would like to encourage him to go out more.

He's coming on Sat to have a look to see what he'd prefer, we do have another room he could use but its smaller so doesn't have the same 'bedsit' vibes. Plus it's across from my daughter and I'm worried he might get confused looking for bathroom in middle of night and disturb her.

I think making him a bedsit will definitely put us down on the sheltered housing list! I may have to accept this is going to be a more permanent arrangement. Dh said if it gets to a point he needs full time care then we'll need a new plan, we can't do it full time. What are our options then? I'm assuming we could get a carer to come and look after him. Who has to pay for that?

@CrotchetyQuaver

Does he own or rent his flat? With regard to your attic bedsit plan you have for him, how will he get up and down from there is he's unsteady in his feet? Is it set up that a stairlift could be put in if needed?

He rents it privately. Don't think stairlift is an option. He lives in 2nd floor flat with no lift at the moment so it would be no worse than what he currently has I guess?