Feeling completely unemotional about my mother approaching end of her life

[Twitterwhooooo]

Posting here because it's difficult to say to friends...

My mother is in her 80s and her health has deteriorated rapidly over the last year. She's currently in hospital on the palliative care pathway.

I am her only relative in the UK and have over the years dutifully visited, liaised with care agency/social workers etc. This last year has been very full on. I am the person the hospital/social worker/lifeline etc call. I have done what I can to facilitate a decent relationship between her and my children - it mainly consisted of protecting them from her toxicity tbh.

And I couldn't care less that she is coming to the end of her life. I've been advocating for pain relief etc and don't want her to suffer, but I have no concerns about missing her or wishing I'd done something differently once she has passed away. In reality, we have never liked each other very much. She says that she loves me and although I would never say to her that I don't love her, I don't.

Her other daughter lives far away overseas and is currently visiting for a few weeks. I am utterly relieved that she can 'take over' and I no longer have to visit etc. I'm actually hoping that she dies while my sister is her and she can arrange her funeral and have closure etc as they have a much closer relationship.

It will be me doing the practical stuff after she dies, clearing out the house and admin etc, so I see this as a break rather than some 'family reunion'.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this? I've had several very traumatic bereavements in my life, so it's not that I don't know how to 'grieve' but I'm completely unemotional about my mother dying.

I completely understand.
My mother has been diagnosed with dementia and her personality has changed a lot, I am relieved and don’t miss her as she was a toxic person.
I will also do my duty and look after her but am not sad at all the mother I knew is no longer here .

I hear ya.

It’s ok to feel the way you do 💐

You may feel different when she passes and grieve for the relationship you wanted or the one who had. It may surprise you how you react but however grief presents be kind to yourself - you owe no explanation to anyone.

I understand completely.
My father, who has been mostly absent for my entire life, is now at end stage with kidney disease. He's been offered dialysis but looks like he won't take this up.

I'm his only daughter so will do what's needed when the time comes, and yes I will probably miss him - but only the idea of him IYSWIM. The reality of him is quite grasping, manipulative and toxic.

I felt exactly the same about my mother. And no, I didn't feel differently once she'd died. It sounds like you don't have a good relationship with her even before she became ill? You don't owe her anything and it's OK to feel like this.

I was quite tempted to stick a pillow over my mums face and finish her off a bit earlier to be honest in that last week. Obviously not a good idea and I didn't do it! Look after yourself.

When my mum was dying in hospital, the main thought I had was , ‘how much harder this would be if I cared about you’. I was a whipping boy for her my whole life . Dealing with her was exhausting.

To make matters worse, she remarried someone just like her when she was in her 50s. I was burdened with him for another 5 years after she died. They both lived until their 90s, just to spite me, i think.

I wonder ,if Mumsnet was around when I was younger, would it have given me the courage to go, no contact.

I posted on here I think when my dad died because I didn't feel very much. So I understand

I’m not at this point yet but I’m sure the only feeling I’ll have when my mother dies is relief. Unless people have a toxic parent they won’t get it but I hear you.

Thanks all.

I've had a lot of therapy over the years which has obviously explored my relationship with my mother which is emotionally distant due to her narcissism and other factors. We've never had a good relationship, sort of just functional

So I don't even think they'll be any surprise grief after she's passed away.

I felt this way when her sister died who had been a big part of my life. I wasn't 'glad that she was dead' per se but very relieved that she was no longer part of my life.

Am very pleased that my sister can take over for a bit and I will be avoiding any invitations for some sort of 'family reunion'.

Posting to say, I totally get that and it's ok.

I think it's fine, and I admire you for saying it. Just because we are biologically related to someone doesn't mean that we automatically like or love them. Wishing you well, & a happier future.

Sending love. Look after yourself.

Oh god yes I was just like this over my Mums death in 2019. To the point I didn’t want to see anyone after she died as everyone expected me to be really upset but actually I was relieved - in many, many ways. I think unless someone has had a dysfunctional relationship with a parent it’s really hard for them to understand. But it’s okay; it’s actually far more common and normal than people think.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother died 3 months ago, I didn't really feel anything much at the time and still don't... occasionally I feel a sort of deep sadness that I was a disappointment to her and that we never had a normal mother daughter relationship, but other than that I just feel indifference. Which certainly makes it easier to get on with my life!

I can relate. My relationship with my Mum isn't great and it isn't awful. It's a bit in the middle. Lots of things I just accepted when I was younger I now realise weren't normal.

Very difficult to have that conversation in real life though as people think you are a dreadful person.

I did read a thread a while ago and someone said that her Mum's unrealistic expectations of her as a daughter in terms of her social life/entertainment/carer/PA ruined what could have been a good relationship. The sort of Mum who was constantly comparing her to everyone else's daughter who ring their Mums every.single.day. I could relate to that.

I completely understand also and it's sad that there are so many of us. I've already grieved for the mother I should have had 💔💐

I have a good relationship with my dad and love him very much. But I’m not distraught at the thought of his impending death, I’ve had a long time to get used to it. So it’s not just people withtoxic relationships who feel like this

I absolutely get this. I was glad that my M died quickly and cleanly (fell on Tuesday, died on Friday), but I was not sad and I did not grieve, except for the DM I would have liked to have had.

What I hadn't bargained for was that I had actually parked her abuse and its effects on me. The floodgates opened after her death and I am now in therapy.

I am surprised I haven't seen this thread before. I've had a very close relationship with my mum, possibly too close.

In the summer of 2019 she was desperately ill and I was so anxious that she would die. She recovered physically but the last two years of caring for her at home were a nightmare.

In June last year she went into hospital and the day after she was admitted I had a breakdown and ended up in A&E with amnesia. Mum was sent to a rehab hospital and from there she went into residential care.

Since she went into hospital it became apparent that she has dementia which has progressed very quickly from not remembering how to use the tv remote to phoning me in the middle of the night because the clock says it is 1 o'clock and the carer hasn't been to get her up to now she is totally incontinent, doesn't remember names, tells me the most bizarre stories about her daily life.

I am just starting to live again after 9 years of being her sole carer and I feel numb at the thought of her dying. I am receiving counselling through Cruse but I can not imagine feeling anything other than a need to deal with the practicalities when she dies. There is no thought of her being ill right now but I visit her every week and she isn't my mum. I miss my mum as she was even 18 months ago but feel nothing for this angry lady I visit in the home.

@MereDintofPandiculation totally agree. There’s a lot of grieving done while the person is still living.

You are not alone. When my DM died I just thought 'Thank goodness'.
Don't feel guilty about how you feel, there's nothing wrong with it.

We are now caring for my MIL who has quite advanced Alzheimer's, she is quite content and still lives independently but with a lot of support, but she has poor overall health and is due to have a heart op next week. TBH DH and I both feel that the best outcome would be for her to die, and quite soon.

Funnily enough since FIL died nearly 10 years ago she has mithered on and on about how she wanted to die, and hoped each night that she wouldn't ever wake up again. It's only since she developed Alzheimer's that she has been absolutely determined to hang on 🤷‍♀️

I love this thread... hope you understand why.
It makes me feel less guilty about some of my thoughts.

I often wonder how my life would've turned out if I'd been adopted because my mum damaged me and that flows into adulthood, no matter how hard I try to not live by her standards,I am looking forward to feeling free.
I feel free when she goes on holiday.

There's that guilt feeling right now

Same here.
l have yet to meet another woman like my Mum, and thats probably a good thing. Devoid of emotion, heart of stone always absent in my life. Death won' t alter anything.
For my own sanity l had to disconnect from her a long time ago.

It’s ok to grieve however you do.

It might punch you right between the eyes at some point so be prepared for that. Or it might not.

I was very focussed on a “good death “ for both my parents. I managed it pretty much alone ( sister in Spain ) so in some ways it was a positive thing. Still hit me with mum eventually. Less so with dad as it was very much “ the right time “ did him.

Tread this path however works for you. Ultimately you are the one going on after x

It is OK. You feel what you feel. We are not obliged to love our relatives - we do not choose them.

There are many who do love their mothers and have good reason to. But equally there are those who do not, and they too probably have good reason. You cannot manufacture a feeling that you do not feel.

You are doing the right things for her in making sure that she is getting the care she needs.

I was in a similar situation with my mother. She was not an easy person to love. I too made sure she had the right care at the end of her life. There was a moment during that time when I did feel sad because it was sad to see a proud intelligent person brought so low by illness. But I was not sad when she died. It was time for her to go - and I could not drum up something I did not feel.

Do your best for her, but allow yourself to feel what you feel without guilt.