Feeling completely unemotional about my mother approaching end of her life

[Twitterwhooooo]

Posting here because it's difficult to say to friends...

My mother is in her 80s and her health has deteriorated rapidly over the last year. She's currently in hospital on the palliative care pathway.

I am her only relative in the UK and have over the years dutifully visited, liaised with care agency/social workers etc. This last year has been very full on. I am the person the hospital/social worker/lifeline etc call. I have done what I can to facilitate a decent relationship between her and my children - it mainly consisted of protecting them from her toxicity tbh.

And I couldn't care less that she is coming to the end of her life. I've been advocating for pain relief etc and don't want her to suffer, but I have no concerns about missing her or wishing I'd done something differently once she has passed away. In reality, we have never liked each other very much. She says that she loves me and although I would never say to her that I don't love her, I don't.

Her other daughter lives far away overseas and is currently visiting for a few weeks. I am utterly relieved that she can 'take over' and I no longer have to visit etc. I'm actually hoping that she dies while my sister is her and she can arrange her funeral and have closure etc as they have a much closer relationship.

It will be me doing the practical stuff after she dies, clearing out the house and admin etc, so I see this as a break rather than some 'family reunion'.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this? I've had several very traumatic bereavements in my life, so it's not that I don't know how to 'grieve' but I'm completely unemotional about my mother dying.

There is so much I want to say here I should probably start my own thread. My dads (74) frontal temporal lobe dementia is down to his own alcohol abuse, and I resent his very existence. My mother (72) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's recently too, and I am drowning.

Transferring last year's diary into this years, I realised that I had dealt with something for them every week for the whole of last year. I honestly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and it was no wonder. I've managed to find my mom a companion for a couple of times a week, and I feel ashamed to say that I haven't seen them for weeks.

I hate how they gave no consideration to their future old age, they never spent any money adjusting their home or steep garden. Instead enjoyed six holidays a year, and I wasn't allowed to question it. I feel furious about it now.

I honestly can't stand to be in the same room as them, my mothers confusion and banality, my fathers humming and strange new accent, he causes chaos every day, strangers bringing him home. I've had a lifetime of him embarrassing us publicly. I wish I could emigrate just to run away from this car crash. I don't love him, I feel cold. A lifetime of therapy will never be enough.

I completely understand @Nestlyn. I don't like being in the same room as my mother. I too am having therapy! You are not alone.

Death happens. It's as common as life.

You're allowed to feel anything you want.

Totally understandable.

My DH is like this. His DF was not a nice father, he was scared of him at times, yet he has been doing all the visits and SS’s stuff like you. He can’t wait for him to pass so he can get the house etc done and move onto a new life without him in it.

It’s good to voice your thoughts OP,, I too have a toxic mother,, so I can empathise. It’s absolutely ok to feel like you do. Sorry you are going through this difficult time, but your thoughts and feeling are totally valid. Sending you a hug

Both my parents have different dementias, different stages and are only in their early 60’s. They are different people to the ones I grew up with. My DF is already in a care home and barely speaks, my DM is early stages and is constant. I have spent 15 years dealing with my DF and with no respite now have my DM to cope with. I think it will take the rest of my life now, at the very least the rest of my healthy life. I resent the fact that they themselves never had to care for their own parents, who died relatively quickly or conveniently far away, my parents had a very carefree midlife. I really don’t want to deal with either of these strangers, I can’t grieve for my normal parents yet because they are still alive, this feels like a long, hidden grief.

When the first lockdown happened I was never so relieved in my life that I didn’t have to go and help my parents.
I love my dad but feel I have grieved a lot for him already, as he has been disappearing over the last few years. My sister also lives away and it’s just me dealing with it, when she visits I feel like I can breath again. Last time she stayed 2 days and ran out of the place. It’s so hard to be around them. I feel like a terrible person for saying that.

Yes the first lockdown (the very strict one) was not without its silver lining.

To be clear, I’m genuinely sorry for the misery and economic trouble that the lockdown brought to so many people…..but i will admit that it gave me breathing space.

All the “I just want to hug my mum” posts on Mumsnet did not resonate with me. But I missed my mates! And when we were allowed to bubble I did so with my new (at the time) partner not my parents - I continued to hand over groceries on the doorstep once or twice per week, which was enough for me.

@Nestlyn

There is so much I want to say here I should probably start my own thread. My dads (74) frontal temporal lobe dementia is down to his own alcohol abuse, and I resent his very existence. My mother (72) has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's recently too, and I am drowning.

Transferring last year's diary into this years, I realised that I had dealt with something for them every week for the whole of last year. I honestly felt like I was having a nervous breakdown, and it was no wonder. I've managed to find my mom a companion for a couple of times a week, and I feel ashamed to say that I haven't seen them for weeks.

I hate how they gave no consideration to their future old age, they never spent any money adjusting their home or steep garden. Instead enjoyed six holidays a year, and I wasn't allowed to question it. I feel furious about it now.

I honestly can't stand to be in the same room as them, my mothers confusion and banality, my fathers humming and strange new accent, he causes chaos every day, strangers bringing him home. I've had a lifetime of him embarrassing us publicly. I wish I could emigrate just to run away from this car crash. I don't love him, I feel cold. A lifetime of therapy will never be enough.

That sounds so tough.

to everyone who has contributed to this thread and shared their own difficulties with toxic elderly parents.

An update - my mum passed away a few weeks after I started this thread. My sister was here and went back to Australia after the funeral. Her being her gave me a break from visiting my mother, which I was more than ready for tbh.

It is, of course, now me sorting out my mother's house and affairs which I'm feeling massively resentful about. My childhood home isn't full of happy memories (the reverse) and having to make a decision about every single thing is exhausting and wearing. I don't live that near - a couple of hours drive away - and it's arduous and time-consuming to be driving up there every couple of weeks. I find it really emotionally draining and upsetting, and it takes me a week or so to recover once I've been.

Interestingly, when I was doing everything when my mum was alive, I disliked it very much indeed, but never resented the fact that my sister had emigrated to Australia. We were both living where we had chosen, my relationship with my mother was separate from hers, so I did what I could/was required of me quite pragmatically.

I am now feeling massively resentful about the differences between my sister's and mine's input into the end of my mother's life. I think partly because when I message her to update her with what I've done/where things are etc, she doesn't reply for days then sends a 'thumbs up' emoji or something like that. There's literally nothing that she can do practically, but some moral support would be appreciated (although possibly beyond her, in all honesty).

One of my goals has been to get through this without having an argument with my (incredibly volatile and self-absorbed) sister, so trying to talk with her about it is out of the question.

I keep telling myself that I'm only going to have to do this once, that it will be over eventually, but god I'm burnt out and utterly fucked off with it all.

I know how it feels too OP.
I lost both my very elderly parents last year; my relationship with my mother was FOG, I never came up to her expectations, my two sisters were the golden pair. My father was emotionally distant, and I have since found out things that, in retrospect, don’t really surprise me.
I haven’t mourned for either of them.
Clearing the house felt like I was going through the motions, it was the family home for 65 years and I felt absolutely no emotion or attachment. A very strange feeling.
I’m not surprised that you’re feeling fucked off, perhaps telling your sister how you feel would be no bad thing?
Sending an un-MNetty hug 💐

Thanks for your message.

I don't think that telling my sister will be that helpful tbh. There's nothing she can do to make the division of work more equal - I keep trying to think of things that she could do and there really isn't anything.

It's feeling so alone sorting out everyone else's crap that's taking its toll on me, I think.

I understand this. I have the type of distant relationship with my mother that her death would make no difference to my life.

@Twitterwhooooo do you need to do it as carefully as you are? Could you hire house clearance? Or simply a skip?

You don't owe your parents or your sister a careful, thorough respectful job.

Gut one room and designate it the 'keeping/selling room' where anything valuable goes. The rest gets put in the skip or sent to charity. Some will collect. Some charities do house clearance.

Whatever you decide, you can feel as resentful and angry as you like. It's ok.

And stop wasting energy updating your sister. She's not worth it.

I totally understand. I've been NC with my mother for 7 years and tbh will be relieved when she dies.

[quote picklemewalnuts]@Twitterwhooooo do you need to do it as carefully as you are? Could you hire house clearance? Or simply a skip?

You don't owe your parents or your sister a careful, thorough respectful job.

Gut one room and designate it the 'keeping/selling room' where anything valuable goes. The rest gets put in the skip or sent to charity. Some will collect. Some charities do house clearance.

Whatever you decide, you can feel as resentful and angry as you like. It's ok.[/quote]
Yes, a local charity has come and collected most of the furniture, and I'm going to get them to collect the other stuff once I've emptied it.

There's some things they won't take and won't fit into a skip eg old metal bed frames, so I'm going to have to organise a 'bulky waste' collection for those.

There are also some things that have a small mark on them, and the charity won't take, but I can't quite bring myself to just skip a perfectly good, solid wood chest of drawers for example.

If I lived nearer, I would Freecycle it, but too much of a risk of people not turning up etc.

But, yes, things like some of my mother's old dresses from the '50s that my sister suggested I could have dry cleaned and take to a vintage charity shop are, unfortunately, just going to get binned.

I'm also going to do a tip run when I'm up next with things like broken carpet sweepers which the bin people won't take.

Thanks all - it is an absolutely shitty job to have to do, and it's nice to have some support and empathy.

@Twitterwhooooo I'll be in the same boat in a few years time, so you can be sympathetic back when you're well past it!
Mine is still going strong at the moment. Moving her into her bungalow when she refused to reduce her possessions ahead of time nearly broke me. Literally. I was advertising ancient crap on FB for weeks, because she couldn't believe her 55yr old sofa was no good to anyone. It was left on the drive of her new house in the end- there was no way to get it in to the house. She's what might best be described as a 'tidy hoarder'. I will feel as you did, when she goes. Relief. Though then the arguments with my siblings will undoubtedly begin!

I would say I can't believe that your sister suggested taking the dresses to the dry cleaners, but unfortunately I can. I hope you manage to get some time to yourself. My family are on this road at the moment. I really wish it was over.

Do you think your sister is a bit like your mother maybe? Both my parents are hoarders so it will be me sorting it all out too, if I’m still alive! My sympathies to you x

There’s a difference between being a hoarder (irrationally keeping any sort of crap) and not throwing things away because you can’t bear to trash anything that still has life in it. But it’s easier to realise that life if it’s someone else that you’re expecting to take the stuff to the drycleaners.

I completely understand how you feel. I felt exactly the same after my 90 year old dad died. We'd always had a good relationship, but he become increasingly difficult to look after, after my dear mum, who was 20 years his junior died. He'd had a good life and I was so glad to be able to get on with mine. I had a new husband, young child and a job and to be honest heaved a sigh of relief, callous as that might sound. My older step-brother (who did nothing to help with him at all) was absolutely shocked when I told him how I felt.

My mother was completely different. She was a wonderful woman who brought up my two step-brothers from an early age and was a fab wife and mother. My dad and I were both devastated when she died, and a lot of his difficult behaviour stemmed from that I think. However it didn't make it any easier to look after him. I hope you find the peace you deserve when this is over for you. Everyone's situation and emotions are different, and certainly no-one ever has the right to judge until you walk in their shoes. Sincere best wishes.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, DaphneduM.

Yes, dying, death, bereavement and grief are complex in so many ways.

Thank you @Twitterwhooooo - it's all a long time ago now, but I still think of them often. They were good role models when I was growing up and showed lots of love, so very fortunate in that respect. Ironically my husband and I have based our retirement on theirs - not a huge income but bolstered by sensible savings, so that has been good. The most joyous thing is that when my little toddler grandson smiles - I can see my mum's smile.

Sorry you have all the hassle with clearing out the house - it's so difficult to do these days, with restrictions on what will and won't be taken. Of course, after my dad died, despite having no help with him, my step-brothers were very much to the fore - the eldest one particularly, to ensure not missing out.

As you so rightly say, dying, death, bereavement and grief are so complex in so many ways. When its all over for you, be good to yourself and I hope you manage to heave a sigh of relief and in the years to come, come to terms with it all.

I too had the same relationship with my mother. It was one of duty rather than love for all sorts of reasons. My mum died this week, and I can’t believe the grief I feel. Perhaps it’s grief for the mother I wanted but didn’t really have. Thinking of you xx