Feeling completely unemotional about my mother approaching end of her life

[Twitterwhooooo]

Posting here because it's difficult to say to friends...

My mother is in her 80s and her health has deteriorated rapidly over the last year. She's currently in hospital on the palliative care pathway.

I am her only relative in the UK and have over the years dutifully visited, liaised with care agency/social workers etc. This last year has been very full on. I am the person the hospital/social worker/lifeline etc call. I have done what I can to facilitate a decent relationship between her and my children - it mainly consisted of protecting them from her toxicity tbh.

And I couldn't care less that she is coming to the end of her life. I've been advocating for pain relief etc and don't want her to suffer, but I have no concerns about missing her or wishing I'd done something differently once she has passed away. In reality, we have never liked each other very much. She says that she loves me and although I would never say to her that I don't love her, I don't.

Her other daughter lives far away overseas and is currently visiting for a few weeks. I am utterly relieved that she can 'take over' and I no longer have to visit etc. I'm actually hoping that she dies while my sister is her and she can arrange her funeral and have closure etc as they have a much closer relationship.

It will be me doing the practical stuff after she dies, clearing out the house and admin etc, so I see this as a break rather than some 'family reunion'.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever felt like this? I've had several very traumatic bereavements in my life, so it's not that I don't know how to 'grieve' but I'm completely unemotional about my mother dying.

Sorry to hear that @Soontobe60 . The same happened with a friend of mine. I'll be sick as a pig if I feel like that, as it will be just one more example of it being 'all about her'! Commiserations.

Yes, I am definitely mourning the mother that I didn't have and I guess death makes it very real that that will never happen. Even though I've known this rationally for many years, I think death makes that very final.

This might be some reassurance - it’s a book by a woman clearing out the house of her difficult mother after she dies. Not fiction.

www.amazon.co.uk/Life-Stuff-Possessions-obsessions-behind/dp/1784163309/ref=asc_df_1784163309_nodl/?hvlocphy=1006734&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=311043828655&hvpone&hvlocint&th=1&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-607285205161&hvrand=4400971162370835820

I am a FT carer for my elderly Aunt who I brought here to live with me. I took her here as I did want her not to die alone in hospital. That was 3years ago!After marriage break up and empty nest, we are alone in the house. I will definitely not feel terribly sad when she passes. Death is inevitable and she has had an extra long life. But what I do resent is that I get no help from any other relations. She never married and nobody but nieces and nephews . It would be nice if they would even visit or even call on the phone never mind taking her out. Too busy with their own lives apparently and I was told that I should put her in a home. But I keep thinking of how vibrant and how helpful she was to all of us growing up and it seems so unkind to think that nobody cares anymore.Guess I also worry that I will be thought if in that way. I also have the role of caretaker of her property and I sometimes hear some cousins voicing an opinion about things. Therefore, I have made sure to keep careful records of everything. I would have loved some help with that too but nobody offered and I didn't ask because I would be pissed off when they said No to me. Ironically my siblings and I never had to anything for my parents as they both died suddenly.

I guess it is very complex but I personally feel that despite what other people's choices were , you have done the kind and decent thing by your mother and be proud of that .