Told mum I'll go no contact if she cancels POA

[Morango]

I have been wrangling with my mother for years over getting a POA done. I have assured her it is for the future and needed to be done before a crisis occurred.
She refused for years to admit she had memory issues and has been quite horrible over the years.
Finally she agreed it was in her best interests and I made arrangements which included family members and I taking time off work and driving many hundreds of miles to do it.
We made sure she understood what she was signing and it took place in the home of a dear family friend whom she trusts and who acted as the certificate provider.
Now the OPG has written to all of us she has said I have done this behind her back and she is going to cancel it and I am only after her money.
When I reminded her of the circumstances of the signing she did start to recall and then admitted that I wasn't after her money.
I told her she was within her right to cancel it but that if she did I will have nothing further to do with her.
She is quite a horrible selfish person and part of me hopes she'll call my bluff.
Not sure why I'm posting about this but reaching out I suppose.

@OhamIreally It is so difficult. No one tells you about this stage of adulting. It is relentless. I am sorry I don't have any more advice. We were just lucky to catch my Mum and Dad at the right time because I have really seen friends go through it.

Is there a friend that could maybe talk to her? Does she have a social worker yet or a community matron that could maybe help to explain? Because health and wellbeing POA is as important.

Thinking of you because it is tough.

OP, it's so frustrating. It does make you question everything and why you bother.
We are stuck with dealing with the OPG and sending annual accounts and reports to them about my DM along with 'fees' and 'bonds of caution'. I get so angry about these extra layers of bureaucracy that my parents have added so unecessarily.
I'm in a different camp to those that say, don't be cross with them, it is the illness, they don't understand.
Actually before the illness took hold, they did understand they just chose not to make it easy.

I'm in a different camp to those that say, don't be cross with them, it is the illness, they don't understand.
Actually before the illness took hold, they did understand they just chose not to make it easy.

@Mum5net I appreciate you saying that. A lot of people do say it, here on this thread and in real life - it's like being gaslighted as this is exactly who she is - not a stranger, not the illness talking, she wants what she wants and everyone else be damned.

I do feel like people are shocked that I am angry with her but I am - my life is hard enough and as her daughter people are looking to me to sort all this out and I don't feel I can - I feel like this is going to destroy me.

She's had an amazing retirement - travelled the world, gone to concerts and lectures and lived her life to the full and I'm happy for her that she's had that opportunity, but she is a selfish and self absorbed person who doesn't consider others' feelings at all.

I agree it isn’t the illness if she’s been horrible to you on a sustained basis and mistrusted you.

@OhamIreally

Update today is that she's gone ahead and objected. I am devastated after all that effort and it's all been undone.

She has no idea how much harder things are going to be now. This was the one thing that would have helped and she's destroyed it.

No doubt if I talk to her about it she'll say "let's set it up again then" but I just can't keep going round this merry-go-round.

That's bad news op and not surprised that you are upset.

We've fairly recently done poa forms for my parents and they are awaiting approval. It took ages to do as most form filling was done during lockdown with a geographically spread out family. We also waited ages for the doctor to fill in the forms as a certificate provider. I then broke my right wrist and couldn't sign my part for over 2 months. The whole thing took over 6 months to complete. I hear that the office that rubber stamp the poa are very picky (for obvious reasons) about things like handwriting and signatures. It's a stressful process and to have it agreed and your mum to do this must be devasting.

My brother lives locally to my parents and does most of the grunt work. He would be incandescent if they pulled a stunt like that. I think he would have to step back for a while just to come to terms with it.

@knittingaddict somewhat similar situation here - we are also geographically diverse and this was one of the reasons the POA would haven been so helpful to be able to provide assistance from here in London without racing up and down the M1.

My cousins took time out from work, as did I, and travelled hundreds of miles (they are right down in the South West) during lockdown to set this all up. It was really difficult to coordinate. Then the forms are complex and I checked and re-checked before submitting, and I paid the fees myself and sent all registered post. It did feel like a massive undertaking. None of the effort was my mum's though - it felt like such a gift for her to have people who would do this for her and go to such lengths, only to now have it thrown back in our faces.

it felt like such a gift for her to have people who would do this for her and go to such lengths, only to now have it thrown back in our faces.

This is pretty much what you need to say to her. And give her that list of things that you all did to make the future easier for her.

I'm so sorry she's done this, OP.

I do feel like people are shocked that I am angry with her but I am - my life is hard enough and as her daughter people are looking to me to sort all this out and I don't feel I can - I feel like this is going to destroy me.

OP - this is the bit you need to tackle in your head.
Who are the actual people looking to you to sort this out? If they are her friends they will have a fair idea she is self absorbed and selfish already. They have probably heard her moan about the form and how she has had to revoke the paperwork. If they were true friends they would have begged her to keep the paperwork in place and know that you cannot sort it out.
If they are her neighbours then fortunately you are not in the same town. Any neighbour who tracks you down and tells you to sort her out can be given the telephone number of the elderly care team in the social work dept for her area.
if they are medical and health professionals they will be experienced enough to know that you are not obliged to fix her mayhem.
You genuinely are allowed to take a mighty step back and let her reap what she sows. In the meantime, fingers crossed she has direct debits and standing orders set up for her council tax, utilities etc as they will all keep paying out even if she ends up in hospital.

Yes. Exactly what @Mum5net said. You are under no obligation to loo after your mum's life. She made her choices when she was younger and you can make choices for yourself too

Sorry, OP, another thing has come into my head.
Your DM has actually done you a huge favour by revoking the paperwork. She has essentially handed herself over to the social work department when things take a major dip. You are well within your rights to leave everything to social work agencies from now on in. The social work team for my parents' area was absolutely first rate and I can't speak highly enough of them. As we didn't have POA and my DM was sectioned, they had to lead everything but they were very communicative and helpful and always discussed matters with family. If your DM has her own property and enough of a pension not to struggle, then you not having POA is inconvenient but not something to stress over too much. Maybe on this board we keep banging on about POA but in reality, not having it in some situations can still be OK.