Don’t know what to do - worried I am being mean

[CaptainWentworth]

Apologies if this turns out long, but I prob need to give all the background to make sense! Also should mention I’m an only child for context, we have an almost three year old and I am currently 36 weeks pregnant.

My parents live about 1.5 ish hours away from us; they used to live in another part of the country (where I grew up) but dad ended up in same area as me for work, however they bought a house that far away from us (and work and nearest large city) because they wanted a massive garden as a retirement project. That was about 13 years ago, when they were both in good health. We’ve always visited fairly regularly although they came to us as often, and we did alternate Christmases pretty much.

However mum’s health has declined rapidly over the last few years, and she was diagnosed with progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP) almost 2 years ago. Dad is now basically a full time carer as mum isn’t very mobile and has falls often, and they can’t come to stay with us any more because mum can’t manage stairs. We do try to go up regularly but we can’t all stay over with them either as there aren’t enough beds now since they got rid of some in anticipation of moving, and replaced one with a hospital bed which mum refuses to sleep in.

They (well dad mostly, really, as mum struggles cognitively as well now) decided to move somewhere closer to us with a smaller garden. They accepted an offer on their house in Feb/March but they’ve struggled to find somewhere suitable that’s disabled accessible as there’s just not much coming on the market. A couple of properties fell through due to survey issues or dad getting cold feet at last minute - he’s really worried he’s doing the wrong thing moving mum especially as she’s deteriorated since they started this process. I want them to move as it’ll be easier for us to visit each other frequently (and mum see plenty of grandchildren) without wanting to stay over, they’ll be less remote from local facilities, dad won’t feel he has to spend all his time keeping on top of the garden, and we can sit with mum to give him a break more easily.

They have finally found a property which seems a good fit about 25 min from us. However dad is worried about the moving process especially how mum will cope as the house is packed up, and wants her to stay with us for a couple of nights until he can take her to the new house. Their buyers understandably want to complete by end of September and this seems possible at the other end of the chain too. However from my POV it’s terrible timing as I’ll have a maximum 2 week old baby and I’m worried about looking after my toddler and the new baby and mum. DH will still be on leave which will help, but I’m still basically worried about the responsibility. Of course she can’t get up our stairs so would need to come up with some solution for her to sleep downstairs and I can’t think what would work. She won’t use the hospital bed if we got it brought to our house, and she struggles a lot with beds that are the wrong height otherwise. Also she’s liable to fall in the night and will need help getting to the toilet.

There has now been mention of her going into respite care very temporarily instead, but I know she doesn’t want this and I feel awful for potentially not looking after her in her hour of need.

Am I being awful? Both in encouraging them to move and in worrying about having mum overnight? Really don’t know how best to support them in general to be honest- feel I am not being a good daughter. And I feel bad that we moved a year ago and didn’t prioritise looking for a house with a downstairs bedroom for mum to stay in.

Sounds like your mum needs to go into respite care whilst your dad moves. There’s no way you can take on caring for your mum, so soon after birth and with a toddler too. I don’t think you are being awful at all. If your mum can’t manage stairs then she wouldn’t be able to cope at your house anyway. Sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I’ve been through similar with parents and Inlaws over the last few years. Eventually my dad couldn’t care for my mum at home anymore and she went into a care home. Heartbreaking, but at least she was cared for there and my dad visited every day and had his lunch there with her.

Respite sounds like the right solution here.

Bluntly, your parents chose not to move earlier in the year. The consequence is that you are not available to support the move in the same way. It's not your fault, just the way the timing has worked out.

Definitely respite care. There is no way you can cope with her in an unsuitable house with a newborn baby. If her health is deteriorating rapidly anyway, she will need to start accepting non-family care sooner or later as your father will not be able to cope indefinitely and you cannot take it on yourself.

Having a newborn is exhausting at the best of times but you don't know for sure you won't need a caesarian and then there is no way you could physically look after your mum as you will need looking after too! Definitely need a new plan A, you are not being awful at all xx

Thanks so much for the responses- think I just don’t know what to do about my parents for the best at all.

You’re right, they will have to accept some outside help at some point. They have support from an occupational therapist who visits regularly, and mum is under a hospital consultant but there isn’t really any treatment for her condition so not a lot he can do.

Those whose parents did eventually go into residential care, how did this happen and what were the steps along the way? I’ve offered to help dad with a Continuing Healthcare application (I know a bit about this from the finance side) and if that was approved then they would get funding for whatever was needed- but just don’t know what to suggest and when.

I’ve even wondered a few times if I should be having another baby at all - possibly should have put it off or not done it at all, and focused on my parents instead.

I support dad a lot in terms of discussing things on the phone, as he misses being able to bounce things off mum, but I don’t feel I’m doing enough practically. To be honest I feel it’s enough keeping afloat with work (I work 4 days a week in a professional job) and my own family and I struggle to find the mental and physical resources to help them too.

I know you will feel terribly guilty but I do agree that respite is the right option. Just imagine a couple of practical scenarios - eg if you needed a CS - you'd not be able to help her toilet 2 weeks in and I assume she'd not want your DH to. You can visit her in respite I assume and if it's for 2 weeks with a lovely new home to look forward to then I'm sure she will understand. Also, looking longer term, if your father needs day care respite it's a nice opportunity to show her how interesting these places can be.

Respite is the best option but if she is steadfastly refusing, would you be able to have her at yours and would your dad be able to pay for an agency carer for a week to help you both out?

@CaptainWentworth

I’ve even wondered a few times if I should be having another baby at all - possibly should have put it off or not done it at all, and focused on my parents instead.

I support dad a lot in terms of discussing things on the phone, as he misses being able to bounce things off mum, but I don’t feel I’m doing enough practically. To be honest I feel it’s enough keeping afloat with work (I work 4 days a week in a professional job) and my own family and I struggle to find the mental and physical resources to help them too.

That’s so sad that you feel this way. You are entitled to feel joy at the thought of your new baby. Your dad & your mum, in her cognitive moments, will very much want their grandchildren to have the best start in life, even if that does mean you are less hands on. Sounds like you are a caring person, and your emotional support will mean a lot to your dad.

My gut feeling is find the absolute nicest respite in your area. Make it really relaxing and comfortable for her. If possible have her come to you for part of each day. My thinking is it’s a scary step but if you find the right fit and she likes it, they could use it for a break every so often. You need to encourage them to buy the services they need to maintain their independence and not have to feel grateful. Could she maybe have a mobile hairdresser while she’s there and a manicure. Think of it as your Dad doing the grunt work while she has a bespoke spa experience with visits to cuddle the baby.

Help them to live their lives despite the hurdles.

It is not going to be a great experience for either you or your DM if she stays with you.

I'm sure she loathes the idea of respite care, I would too, but I'm afraid that she too is being a bit selfish, it is only for a few days. However hard it is, it is best to be absolutely clear right now that you simply cannot accommodate your DM, and so you won't raise any false hopes.

You have to do what is the most practical, and in this case it is respite care. Most Mumsnetters know what the demands of parenting are, but not all of them have had the experience of dealing with vulnerable elderly parents. It is every bit as demanding and you shouldn't feel guilty at doing what is best - although obviously most of us do.

In respite care your Mum will be safe and looked after and you can support your Dad through moving.

You might need to book respite care quite a long way in advance too. Don't leave it to the last minute

Respite care is totally the right thing to do.

My MIL is disabled and requires regular care. She had a life changing stroke a number of years ago. She has always refused to go into form of residential care, despite it being the best place for her. FIL cares for her now but his own health is declining. DH and SIL have made it clear with young families of their own to look after too, they cannot support caring for MIL at home and she will need to go into care should anything happen to FIL.

I think, given how close the move will be to you giving birth, looking for respite care would be the more sensible option. You may end up having a caesarean and be unable to help physically with your mum, the baby might end up having a stay in hospital or anything might happen that means you can’t be home to care for your mum. Better to get something sorted now than to try and arrange something last minute if something unexpected happens with the birth.

I know it is probably not what your mum wants or how you want things to be, but it’s a means to an end. It’s a short term arrangement to get to a better ongoing arrangement for you all.

Maybe you could get respite care but if you are feeling up to it visit her at the respite care and/or being her to your home for the day.

I think it has to be respite care. You don't know exactly when your baby will be born, or what sort of birth you will have. You might be able to care for your mum but you may not - and you won't know in time to organise care.
Better to choose somewhere nice, close to you, for your mum. Sell it to her as a little holiday while your dad sorts out the move. You can visit her, and/or bring her to your house depending on how well you are. It may well be easier to take the baby to see her, where there are suitable toilet facilities etc
Don't feel guilty. Caring for elderlies is a marathon not a sprint. Your new baby and toddler will need your time and focus

Where our parents are concerned, if we could all go back, we'd all make different decisions and sooner decisions. But we do what's right at the time. As for the baby, I'm sure it coming will mean so much to your parents, and even in their darkest times, and believe me your dad will have had a few, they will never have not wanted to be without the new addition. And for you and your husband, you just cannot put your life on hold with what-ifs. You have to get on and live it.
If you can find a nice respite care home, that would be brilliant. Not just for now, but so that your dad can have breaks. He must get exhausted. She's going to be resistant at first (and each time she goes in!), but in my experience, when they're in they like the different company and the socialisation.
The next few weeks are going to be tough, but they will come to an end, and when they're settled into their new home, it will be so much easier to get them sorted and you'll feel a little more in control, so that'll make things easier.
Sadly, though, your dad will decline too, so you need to be on the ball and look now into care packages, etc, so that you're prepared. And put them in place sooner than later. Also get PoA over both of them now for finance and medical. I can't stress that enough.
Good luck. It will get easier.

Definitely respite, the nicest one you can find, and look upon it as something that would be useful for regular breaks for your dad (and to ease your mum in, in case it becomes a permanent necessity in the future). Call it a hotel break, arrange hairdressing, manicure etc if your mum enjoys those. Send flowers, visit with baby if your mum is settled enough. You’re being kinder by adding this in to her life now, so that your dad and you can both keep caring for her for longer. It gives another option, adds some flexibility.

"I’ve even wondered a few times if I should be having another baby at all - possibly should have put it off or not done it at all, and focused on my parents instead."

Please don't think that - you are entitled to your own life & mustn't let your parents steal it away from you. Organise some respite care for your mum - you will be doing something good for your mum, your dad & yourself, and don't think about giving up your ambitions, dreams & needs to care for your mum.

you are entitled to your own life & mustn't let your parents steal it away from you.

Although I agree with your sentiment not to regret the baby, I think that's a bit harsh to imply her parents are trying to steal her joy. I'm sure her parents don't want to be in this situation either. It's just that as people get older, they seem less able to cope, just like we struggled to cope when we're younger. They're family, so everyone does their best to help others, even though it can be exhausting! Ultimately the baby will bring so much joy to all of the family.

Definitely respite. Absolutely the right thing to make sure your DM's needs are met. Please try not to feel guilty - it's important you take care of yourself and DC too.

If the move were four or six weeks after your due date, I’d still think respite care could be reasonable but I would hmmm and haaa about it a bit. But within TWO WEEKS there’s no way for you to help your mum safely. It’s pretty black and white, I think. I had very uncomplicated births, but the first couple of weeks had some pretty significant dizzy spells getting myself to the toilet. There’s no way I could have safely supported another adult. Unless your DH can take on your care, your toddler’s and your mother’s (bearing in mind that your toddler will have a big adjustment period as well!), I really don’t think you’re in a position right now to take your mother in. Help your dad find a nice place for her for a few days, and you will definitely have fulfilled your filial duty in this case. I’m sorry you’re in this position right now, but I think the move is a good thing and suggests better months ahead. Good luck!

Respite without a doubt. Which part of the country are you? There are some lovely respite places

I think respite sounds like a good option. What if you need to have a c section when having your baby? You won't be able to help you mum or dh at all, and he would have even more to do.
I think by her going into a home for a short period of time sounds the best solution, and then when she moves from there to her new home, it will have all her familiar things around her. Hopefully it'll mean she will settle in quickly.
These things do seem to come all at us at once.

I would absolutely book a month long respite stay for your mum so you can get her settled, your dad can pack and unpack and get things sorted.
Long term, what will keep her at home is accepting carers and occasional respite for your dad to have a holiday/ be ill/ or her to get over an injury or illness. And I've lived this - my dad was dead set against all this, but they managed to stay home till the day dad died because he'd accepted carers/cleaners/handyman/gardener and stays in a home for mum when he was ill. And much as he hated it, he knew mum would have to go into a home when he wasn't around but knew that she'd actually been weirdly happy on her respite stays as it was all so predictable.