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Elderly parents

My mum is a hoarder...

53 replies

tonyharrisonboosh · 03/07/2021 21:12

Feeling really sad tonight.

My mum has always liked her "stuff" and although it annoyed my dad and me, we still could function on 0ur three bed semi. She has gradually gotten worse as she has aged. I left home about seven years ago and haven't been back as felt that I didn't want to row with her about the state of the house. Quite frankly it gives me terrible anxiety and I worry for my my parents as they are in poor health. My poor dad has a tiny portion of the house to himself and the rest is a cluttered mess. He has given up trying to get my mum to see sense and just seems to exist among the chaos.

I have come to visit this weekend bringing my four year old as he has never been to visit his grandparent at their house before. We were meant to be staying at their house and I have her two months warning that we were coming. My mum has apparently been trying to clean up but today I walked in and the place stank to high heaven and both the beds that my son and I were meant to be sleeping in are covered in bags of clothes and books etc. We have ended up booking a hotel room for the night and I'm regretting coming. I don't know what to do. I have tried giving her tough love, I've offered to come and help her get rid of some of the clutter. I have tried offering her money for new carpets if she can clear the place. I have explained to her that it will only get harder and she gets older to sort it out. She has even seen a counsellor about her obsession of collecting things. Nothing seems to work. I hate myself for thinking it but I wish I could just go no contact and not have this hanging over me. I love my mum but right now I really resent her for her hoarding and what I perceive as bloody selfish behaviour.

OP posts:
Quickchangeartiste · 03/07/2021 21:33

So sorry to read your post. That’s a hard situation to deal with. I have no experience but I believe it’s a disorder rather than a choice for your mum. Sounds like the hotel was best idea as that’s no environment for your little one.
Why don’t you google for some support organisation , like Hoarding Disorders UK? They may be able to advise.
💐for you

tonyharrisonboosh · 03/07/2021 22:18

Thank you for your reply.

I'm honestly so upset at the gravity of the situation. I'm so tired if it all. I mentioned today that she may need some help but she immediately shut me down as she doesn't want anyone throwing her things away.

When my son was born, I honestly thought that would be the one thing that could help her change. She has wanted to be a grandma for a long time I naively thought that she would sort it out for my sons sake. I'm just bitterly disappointed that it's not the case. My son adores her and was having a lovely time with her today. Its just so sad.

OP posts:
Goawaymuppet · 03/07/2021 22:23

My best friend is a horder. It's a very serious disorder and quite hard to overcome. Can you get in touch with MIND? They might give you support. My friend and her family live in total chaos with whole rooms they can't get into. I'm really hoping shw might get help at some point. I'm so sorry for you. X

hatgirl · 03/07/2021 22:28

I deal with hoarding as part of my job and almost without fail the people involved, when you dig down, have some kind of attachment issues as a result of trauma/ mh issues.

It's a recognised illness and it's unlikely that it's something your mum can just 'fix' on her own.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 22:31

I'm just bitterly disappointed that it's not the case
I think (if you can) try not to take it personally, the compulsion is too strong for her to overcome.
What about just being straight, saying 'no I'm not going into your house because of the chaos'?

AnnaMagnani · 03/07/2021 22:34

If you can change nothing else, get her to have a Fire Safety Check from the local fire brigade.

hatgirl · 03/07/2021 22:37

@AnnaMagnani

If you can change nothing else, get her to have a Fire Safety Check from the local fire brigade.
From a safety perspective, absolutely this is the correct course of action.

Sadly nearly everyone I have worked with who has a hoarding disorder have often found the fire service checks humiliating and unhelpful no matter how sensitively they are undertaken.

It often seems to cause them to double down and reject further intervention rather than welcome more professional intervention in.

PersonaNonGarter · 03/07/2021 22:37

Aw OP. You might need to go no contact with your mum for a bit. Your poor dad.

What happened with the counsellor? How did she end up going and why did she stop?

CrazyNeighbour · 03/07/2021 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Craftycorvid · 03/07/2021 22:41

I’m sorry, that’s very hard on you. Hoarding is such a complex disorder. You will have your own history of trying to have a relationship with your mum around her problems. Agree with pp linking it to attachment trauma. Sometimes people apply emotions to things that are normally reserved for people hence feel profound distress when trying to get rid of them - behaviour that makes little sense to others and is often around objects that have no worth or are even items normally viewed as rubbish. How is your mum doing with the therapist? That relationship could help her address her hoarding.

AnnaMagnani · 03/07/2021 22:42

Wasn't expecting it to do anything about the hoarding at this stage but at least make sure they don't die in a fire.

Having gone to someone's house and seen smoke coming out as the owner was no longer able to see risk does make you obsessed.

The owner didn't change any of their hoarding behaviour after but I am sure his family and neighbours were glad that he had smoke alarms fitted after that.

eatsleeplaugh · 03/07/2021 22:43

So sorry to hear this. I am in a very similar situation with my mum. She has been like since my childhood. It is heartbreaking, continually trying to help her, emotional support, sorting stuff out etc, but she continues to buy and hoard. I've had to accept (as a self protective measure) that my son and I won't be staying again. She lives a couple of hours away so instead we will just go for the day, preferably meet outside her home. I too find the whole situation incredibly triggering and upsetting. ❤️

alexdgr8 · 03/07/2021 22:45

i think you were expecting too much of her.
your son loves her and loves being with her.
he doesn't judge her. he doesn't see or care about the mess.
he sees and loves the person.
she is suffering from this condition.
i can see that it is disappointing for you, but really that is your lack of understanding.
you can still visit, stay in a motel. or have her to visit you.
just try to accept her, love her, and ignore her surroundings.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 23:32

I think it's understandable that you are finding this so stressful, even though your mum can't help it that doesn't mean to say it's right that you should have to suffer from it, ultimately you are probably worried that they will look to you to help them out of any messes that they get themselves into.

TheSilveryPussycat · 03/07/2021 23:55

It is worth getting the Fire Brigade to visit, as they will flag her address as that of a hoarder, so that if they have to attend a fire there, they have an idea of what they are dealing with.

o8T8o · 03/07/2021 23:59

I've heard that some dentists specialise in patients whom are particularly nervous or fearful...thinking along those lines I wonder if if there are fire departments which have sidelines in dealing sensitively with hoarders?

hatgirl · 04/07/2021 08:27

@o8T8o

I've heard that some dentists specialise in patients whom are particularly nervous or fearful...thinking along those lines I wonder if if there are fire departments which have sidelines in dealing sensitively with hoarders?
They do, but it doesn't matter how sensitively it is approached, it's productive and necessary from a fire safety point of view but rarely has an impact on getting the house cleared as a result.

It's a bit like the GP pointing out that you are hugely overweight and need to lose some weight. They are doing the right thing professionally, it's their job to look after your health and they usually aren't telling you something you don't know already.

But just like hoarding, being overweight doesn't just happen overnight, it's a gradual process often with some roots in depression/self esteem/ emotional attachment or other physical health issue.

Someone telling you that you are obesely fat and it's unhealthy for you isn't magically going to change that, it needs to be backed up with proper professional support, understanding of how you got to where you are now and what will motivate you to engage in change, IF you want to change.

If you just leave the GP surgery having been told you are fat and need to change without any of that support in place then the chances are you are just going to go home feeling upset and miserable, make a small attempt at a diet for a while and then revert to old habits, or worse.

Then you probably also avoid seeing the GP or other health professionals again because they just pointed out the obvious, didn't help and made you feel worse. So you start neglect other parts of your life /health too.

It's perhaps a convoluted analogy, but for hoarding the Fire Service is a small part of the picture and needs to be backed up with proper practical and emotional support too if there is going to be an impact.

Umbra · 04/07/2021 11:05

I don't mean to upset you, but would it be worth saying how much work she would be leaving for your Dad and you to do, if she passes while the house is this cluttered?

After my mother died, it took 13 builder's skips to clear her house, 3 council pickups, 2 charity shop pickups, giving stuff away and innumerable runs to clothing banks and charity shops. It was a lot of time and effort and pretty exhausting at times.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 04/07/2021 11:25

Just wanted to say I know how you feel OP,I'm in the same boat and sadly the fire check did nothing Sad

o8T8o · 04/07/2021 11:40

@hatgirl, thanks for explaining 🙏
I can see that you're right and it was naive wishful thinking on my part

o8T8o · 04/07/2021 11:42

After my mother died, it took 13 builder's skips to clear her house, 3 council pickups, 2 charity shop pickups, giving stuff away and innumerable runs to clothing banks and charity shops. It was a lot of time and effort and pretty exhausting at times
It sounds as if she was trying to construct a lasting monument to herself!
I'm so sorry I can't imagine how stressful and tiring that would have been 😟

Whatfreshhellisthis9 · 04/07/2021 11:58

It’s not selfish so much as an ILLNESS...

I agree it’s horrible to exist in the chaos. Can you encourage them to get in the garden every day? Go out and get away?

Did you manage to uncover the source of the smell?

Isn’t hoarding a response to a loss of some kind? If you go NC it will most likely get worse for both your parents.

Flowers Hope you can get her some help.

MichelleScarn · 04/07/2021 12:33

@TheSilveryPussycat

It is worth getting the Fire Brigade to visit, as they will flag her address as that of a hoarder, so that if they have to attend a fire there, they have an idea of what they are dealing with.
I agree with this and while I understand those who are saying 'love and accept her as she is' the risk and impact on others has also to be taken into account, whether that's the ddad who is also living there or the risk to others due to the fire risk of the hoarding. Is it a detached property or are there neighbours to consider to?
MichelleScarn · 04/07/2021 12:39

There is charity that can.offer help/advice hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/

thenewduchessofhastings · 04/07/2021 12:54

Does she go out?;it would seem hoarders also have depression/anxiety/social anxiety and can be very closed off/withdrawn.

What about her background?;without sounding all wanky but could it be something from her childhood that makes her like this?;Was she raised in poverty?;didn't have much as a child/lived in cramped housing that was overcrowded?

My mum hoards food;she's always buying it and the cupboards/fridge/freezer are always full and yet of even say half a fridge shelf in the whole fridge is empty she'll be desperate to fill it.Before thé age of 7 she lived with neglectful abusive parents who often left her to go hungry and there was Seldom food in the house.She's never gotten over that.

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